Hi Ravenclaw,

Your sense of detachment is simply a self-protective, self-preservation mechanism.

It's simply doing it's job right now.
It's all okay.

We suffer more if we judge our grieving process.

You will grieve, respond to your loss, in many different ways, and in perfect timing.

:hug:
DejaVu

Hi Ravenclaw

As DejaVu said your detachment is a means of self-protection and it's what you need right now.

Also with knowing your husband was terminally ill you will have done a lot of grieving before he actually passed. My mother passed suddenly, unexpectedly and I was overseas when I found out she was ill - I arrived home 3hrs too late - the grief was immense and I literally shut down for 6 mths. My father was the opposite with a prolonged, deteriorating condition and much of the grieving was done during the time spent with him. When he passed it was more of a release because he was finally free from pain.

Know that whatever you are going through time will heal and although you will miss him forever the memories of the great times you shared will replace the sad ones.

Wishing you peaceful days ahead. Take care - bluesfan

Very Normal
 

Dear Ravenclaw,

All the things you are feeling,... the numbness, the detachment, the guilt, the weirdness, are all very normal feelings.

I was a sobbing wreck before the funeral service of a loved one but once at the funeral home, it was like I wasn't even there. I felt more like a hostess, greeting people, holding it all together, not a single tear, and felt like my body was there, my mind was there, but sort of like I was outside of myself looking at this gathering as if I were not involved at all. (Numb and detached) I went through the entire visitation, service, and gravesite, as if I had not lost a loved one. If I had not been walking and talking, I would have thought I was in a coma. I was just THERE. Had I been replaced by some "stand in"? Was it numbness? Was it detachment? Was it just the only way I could cope and get through one of the worst times of my life?

What was even more strange to me was at every other funeral for which I had ever attended, even for those that I was not close to the deceased, I had cried many tears and now I was being tearless at the funeral for the biggest loss of my life.

The minute everyone dispersed from the cemetery, I was back to my sobbing wreck. I thought that was the weirdest feeling in the world and one I had never felt at any other time in my life. How did I turn off the emotions for the time at the funeral home and cemetery? Now THAT was strange and did not seem to be under MY control.


Everyone deals with the loss of a loved one in their own way and their own time. Anything you feel is OK and normal.

Looking at pictures may not evoke anything at the moment but other times those same pictures may start a waterfall of tears that seem totally uncontrollable.

You may feel all sorts of things you do not expect. You do not have to feel any particular way at any particular time. Each person develops their own coping mechanisms to deal with their loss of a loved one.

You are safe to express yourself here. Your experience and feelings are yours and you do not have to fit some textbook mold of grief.

There is no comparison of the grieving process from one person to another nor even the same reactions within oneself to different losses. Your grief is an individual matter and anything you feel or don't feel is what is right for you.

Many of us can relate to your feelings and may have felt the same as you but it is OK to also feel completely different than others may mention.

Just please know that we are here for you with whatever feelings you may experience along your journey of grief.

Our thoughts are with you. If writing your feelings here helps you, please continue to write us. We are here to help you through these times of sorrow.

One word of caution,... many well wishers may say all the wrong things although they mean well, they just don't know what to say. I am one of those.

I won't pretend to know how you feel, but I do know that anything you feel is OK. I will never know YOUR loss like you do.

What I do know is some of the feelings that may arise, the anger, the guilt, the numbness, the sadness, the hole in one's heart and life. The pain is sometimes unbearable but we will be here to try to comfort you in any way we can. As the days, weeks, months and years pass, your feelings will go through many changes and repeat themselves on many occasions. We will be here for you.

I must admit it scares me. Not feeling. The first days I cried, now I don't even feel anything anymore when looking at his pictures or even videos where I can hear him.
It's like watching someone I don't know, or not even that because that would give me some feelings, thoughts, emotions.
I only cry because I hate that I don't feel anything when thinking about him. I don't even miss his presence in the house or something.
I still feel stuff, but not when it concerns him.

I'm kind of scared because at the end of the month (starting around 20th) I always get crazy because of a combination of hormonal disturbances (pms) and my drugs (prednisone amongst many others). At normal times I have a few days of intense, extreme emotional pain, crying, and thinking about suicide a lot.
So scared of what I will feel when those days come. My family knows about it, but I don't want those days to come.

My life feels like nothing. Why bother. I don't know why I should because I'm always in pain (physically and mentally), I can't do much, need so much pills to even breath and now my love is gone. What is the use? I don't want to stay alive just to enjoy stupid little things like birds or sun.
My head hurts

Dear Ravenclaw,

I understand your feelings. Been there myself with grief making me have no desire to live. I was NOT suicidal, I just did not care if I lived or not. Luckily, I did not have other things contributing to how I was feeling, as you mentioned (pms and medications).

I was also at the beginning of some of my major health issues and that may have had a contributing effect but it was before I was rendered disabled.

I do think grief can be so devastating that we can feel as you, "why bother". Your physical pain combined with your emotional pain just seem too much to endure.

If you are feeling such deep despair, I would like to encourage you to seek some assistance. There are medications that can be prescribed to help you get through this time. There are also many grief counseling services that may be beneficial.

When these dark thoughts enter, you need to reach out to others for help. You don't need, nor should you, go through this alone. Talk with your doctor and your family. Keep writing to us here on NT.

This despair is temporary and it will get better but it takes time.

I can tell you this from personal experience. I went from feeling no desire to live, then to becoming disabled and in pain, to now wanting to live as long as I possible can, regardless of how my own health has deteriorated. It was a gradual turn around but it did happen.

You WILL want to live life again. In the meantime, get some help to give yourself time to get to the desire to live life again. If it takes medications for a while, then ask for them.

I know you are feeling just numb right now. Some of your statements are the same words I said so I do think I have some idea of what you are experiencing now.

I am very glad that I was not battling some of the same forces that are only exacerbating your pain from losing your loved one. Hormonal disturbances alone can make us feel bad.

We are here for you. We can't make your pain go away but we can listen. I do hope you will seek medical attention to help you so that the hurt can be lessened until you are strong enough to have a desire for life once again.

Ravenclaw,

Hope has left such a thoughtful post and saved me typing....good since I am a tired little squirrel.

I just wanted to say that we are thinking of you and sending thoughts for healing and comfort. Strength and peace will come. Rest well and know that you are held in love.

:hug:

Thanks for still replying.

Last few days I feel empty. I live, but I'm like a robot. Everything around me, bad, good, happy, horrible, it doesn't reach me. I wake up, go to bed, and do stuff in between. Not even sure what, I feel so very empty.

It's not suicidal, but more the numb I don't care.
Though it is a bit of a dissapointment waking up in the morning.
You'd think with a weak body and a bleeding heart, you would just die in your sleep. But no, I have to go on. I don't know what for, with him I still had some kind of purpose in live, be it very little. But now I just lay here every day, waiting for the day to pass. You know when you are so extremely exhausted, but simply can't sleep?

I do lit candles for him. Makes me feel like I'm doing something.

You just described grief. I remember feeling the exact same way. I never knew hurt like I felt then. It's indescribable. There are no words in the English language that even come close to describing the feeling.

I was just on auto-pilot and made my way through the days. While I was busy doing something my mind was somewhat occupied and that helped me cope.

Can you ask your doctor for something to help you sleep? It was hard for me to sleep, too. Sleep was my only escape and it avoided me like the plague!

I know we're all trying to help you and tell you things to ease the pain but when it comes down to it it's something you just have to get through the best way for you personally. No right or wrong way. Just your way.:hug:

Oh my dear Ravenclaw,

Your words described your feelings so well. I felt them. Yes, that robotic numbness of just not caring and wondering what is your purpose for going on. Your reason for living has gone and you are left empty, void of purpose.

I assure you that these feelings WILL fade in time. You will find another purpose, you will begin to care if you wake each day, but it does take time. It took me a VERY long time but each person has their own time table and response.

Thanks so much for posting and sharing your feelings. Just as the feelings you are having right now will not disappear over night, neither will we. We are here to be of any help we can while you mourn. The sun will shine again but you won't be able to see it until the clouds disappear.

I miss his smell. His breathing and how he feels. His sounds.

I don't know how to cope.

Wish I was very old. Or I was terminally ill. I truly do.
Knowing I have to go on for years, it breaks me.

In my years of pain and illness I kept going for him. Now the only thing from quitting altogether is 3 family members who would be heartbroken.
For me, quality of life was never good since becoming ill. Now it is zero.
I exist. Only for those people but never for me.

Some nights I wake up, because I can't hear him breathing. Then I realise he isn't next to me.
In my sleep I still reach for him.

Every day is another day survived. I do not live. I am counting down my days.

I just
I don't know

So much pain