Dear Ravenclaw,

Your words remind me of the days I felt as you do, just existing during the grieving process. No zest for life, no desires, void of purpose, and your own physical issues on top.

I assure you that you WILL feel differently in time but that is hard to even imagine at this time. I am not sure everyone recovers fully from such a devastating loss, but it does get better and we adapt and learn coping skills that make the loss more bearable.

The ONLY thing that helped me was when I finally convinced myself that my loved one would not want me to stop living because they were no longer here. THAT would have made them very sad. My lost one would want me to live the rest of my life, not just exist. It is something that I have to keep reminding myself of even now after many years have passed.

The road from existence to living, crossing the bridge of grief, is long and hard but we will walk it with you.

It is my belief that we will be re-united with our lost loved ones, but it is for us to live until that day comes for us.

It is OK to miss his smell, the sounds of his breathing, a simple touch of hands. The pain is so deep to be without all those little things that we cherish so much, we shut down in order to cope with pain. It helps protect us as we move into a new life without them.

Hold your loved one tight in your heart. I read a few poems that touched me and I will post them in another thread for you to read if and when you wish. I hope they will provide some comfort for you. I don't know the authors so I hope I won't be plagiarizing anyone.

Keep posting when you feel it helps. We will be here.

Thank you very much for those poems. I've read them a few times already.

I live my life automatically these last few days. Get up, eat, sleep, etcetera.
I don't feel sadness. I don't cry when I'm with others talking about him. Sometimes I cry when I'm alone. It's not that I'm ashamed of crying or something, it just isn't there when I'm with others. Everyone is saying how well I cope and that they're happy to see me still enjoying things.

But, I don't....

What I do feel is guilt, anger and most of all confusion. This is my main emotion. Why doesn't my heart clench watching at his pictures? Etc.

I enjoy people around me, the ones I love. What I can't stand however, is people from "outside". People asking, is he gone? (They talked to others or noticed something). Or asking anything about him or me really. It makes me want to puke and I really can't handle people who don't have the right to ask those questions. I want to scream: go away, leave me alone!
It's too personal and I don't want to talk to people about more than "nice weather, good day" nonsense if I only know their face and name because we're neighbours.

I hate myself for me such an anti-social cranky person, but I really can't seem to face people who ask me those questions I don't think they have the right to ask imo. I don't know I must me crazy or depressed.
I need him so much

Dear Ravenclaw,

NO, you are NOT crazy, depressed,... probably and rightfully so. Anger is a part of the process in grief. Someone we loved was ripped out of our lives. That makes us angry. We need a place to PUT that anger and people have various avenues from which to choose.

You are also not an anti-social cranky person. You are a person in grief.

EVERYTHING you are feeling is natural and a means of coping with your loss.

The feelings of guilt are the ones I personally found most perplexing in myself and my journey through grieving. I hear so many others going through grief express the same feelings of guilt. I am guessing that is just a part of the process.

While the death of our loved one happened at a specific time and date, the grief of those left behind is not a single event. It is a process that has no time limit or "end" date. It can be slow and long. It is a gradual movement toward a new life without our loved one. Grief is a process, a long journey. You will experience a lot of emotions that you don't even understand. You will lack emotions that you feel you should have at this time.

How much and when you cry indicate nothing other than your body's attempt to cope with the devastation you feel. It is OK to cry at what you may perceive as odd times. It is OK to feel a numbness looking at photos. All your feelings are valid. It is also OK not to understand them.

Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. I hope you will find some comfort in sharing your pain even if only for the moment you type the words to express them.

I feel fairly confident to say that you wish someone could take this pain and emotional turmoil away from you. I wish we could but since we don't have that ability, we can be here to listen and offer our support and caring.

We are so sorry for your loss and hope that the days will get easier. Please know we care. Oh, and living on auto-pilot is also very normal.

Yesterday it's been a month without him. It's like I'm not even really getting it. How is it even possible, a month? I stills see flashes of our last week together, and the day he died. How he died, how he felt when he was gone.
I still want to hold him in my arms, just once, to touch him or his hair.
It has been a month and his smell has left my house. This is probably another weird thing, but for this seems important. The first days there was always stuff like, finding a pill he just to take, finding a hair, his smell on his bed. This is all gone now. My house is so empty, I feel so alone.
I have people over, but my house isn't the same anymore since he has left it.

Thank you, Hopeless. It makes me feel I'm not totally messed up feeling and thinking those things. It does seem to help to write a little here. Just to put my thoughts into words, it seems to do me some good.

Dear Ravenclaw,

Thanks for keeping in touch with us. Everything you are feeling is very normal but oh, so painful. It will take time to adapt to all the changes and you are so correct, life HAS changed and will never be the way it was. (Sorry about the poor grammar) I know that sentence is grammatically incorrect.

Did your husband use a particular soap or aftershave? If so, you may want to put some of it on the bed to regain the smell until you are ready to let it go. I, too, missed the fragrance I associated with my lost one.

The stages of grief are not "steps" we take to get to a place beyond grief. We seem to revisit them all over and over and some simultaneously until we develop ways to cope and begin a different life than the one we know with our loved one.

It is not uncommon to have some feelings of denial even a month later. Numbness will stick with you for some time, also. We can surround ourselves with many people and still feel VERY alone. Your loss is very personal and no one feels as YOU did about your loved one. Every relationship is unique unto itself and so is the grief one feels for their loss. The symptoms of grief are shared by many but your relationship was unique.

Give yourself time. A month is but a second along the road of grieving while at the same time the pain may seem like an eternity. We will walk with you. You will smile again but until then, know that you are in our thoughts.

I just passed the 3 month mark of my husband's passing. I've been more at peace this week than anytime since he passed. I have no idea why and I'm sure it won't last.

At the 2nd month mark I just lost it, over and over. I had a terrible November and was in bed more than out of it.

I too have people in and out but nothing is the same and I am ALONE. I walk around the house and talk to him and touch things I KNOW he touched. I've kept his shampoo, deodorant and body spray and like to smell it and even spray some on my arm. Weird....I don't know and don't really care because it comforts me.

He could never find any of the small black combs he carried at all times. Since he passed I have found them everywhere ! And I'll say "Oh Bubba, here's another one of your combs".

I came here just after he passed and have no idea what I would have done without my NT family. I wrote and wrote and wrote and as with you they all responded and are helping me through this.

I think of you often and pray that you are doing ok. Knowing in my heart you aren't and hoping we both get through this.

I miss him so much my heart hurts.....physically hurts. We were together for 35 years and I had known him for 7 years before we married.

Hugs to you sweet lady

Debi from Georgia

hi Debi. i hope you know that you are no alone as long as you have your friends here at NT. i feel like NT is a family of mine too. i couldn't get though without all of your support and i am here for you if you ever need a friend to talk to.

i am sending healing thoughts and soft hugs to all of you who are missing loved ones right now. (myself included). i believe they are always with us still because we can still feel them, even if we can't still see them.

i cannot read the in between
all i can say is
LOVE
ME

hi ravenclaw. i hope you are having a better day today. just wanted you to know that you were in my thoughts. sending soft hugs your way.