Thanks both. I feel so much and so little at te same time. I feel confused, because I'm not spending every second looking at him breathing or touching him or smell him. He is with me in this room, and thank god he is still mentally okay, and maybe it helps he is so much at peace. Even though communication isn't always possible anymore, there are some moments we still are able to share. Sometimes just looking at eachother is enough.

Now I'm typing this quietly crying. He's asleep. Why am I online? Why am I typing? Shouldn't I be holding him? I'm afraid I'm not doing the right thing and later feel guilty.

I'm so confused and I feel pain not even sure of this is grief or sadness it's just pain.

Do Exactly what you are doing. You are with him and that is enough.

You are online because you need someone to talk to...to help you through this.

You still have to take care of yourself. I had some guilt about leaving him and going home to shower etc but I should not have. I have medical problems myself and he would have wanted, no Ordered, me to do what I had to to get through it.

You are doing great. Stay strong.

Debi

I agree with all the comments, I lost a husband to a shocking divorce over 40 yrs ago and I never thought I'd ever make it or live without that man. I've heard thru support groups etc that it is sometimes harder to get thru a hard divorce than when we lose a love thru death. Death is final, divorce "that" person continues on and you are left. Yes I was left by him and thought it was the end of the world. Not so.

Years ago in the 80's I embraced a philosophy Science of Mind and a lot of it's principles include attachments...that's to persons, places, things. I worked on that one and letting go of all attachments makes my life much easier.

I was with both parents at their end and was able to tell them, they could go. They were so ready and lived long lives but were very tired and ill.

Now to this day I still think of my little nephew who died in a horrible accident at age 5...he never had much of a life. That was over 25 yrs ago. Think of that little boy all the time.

A long time friend and I talk a lot now, she buried her husband of 63 yrs. It wasn't a marriage made in heaven but she hung in. She never thought she could ever make it if she divorced him but she could have, I know that one. She took care of him for close to 20 yrs with his failing health. Today she talks about how free she feels and has enough good memories. And no regrets about hanging in with him in spite of the many hard times.

Life goes on we keep going with or without that person. We all have our time here and we don't know when that time is up.

Acceptance, memories and take care of YOU. Life is a mystery and we just have to go with it.

Ravenclaw, I don't have much to offer beyond saying that I think that grieving always follows its own path and takes its own time - there is no "right" way to grieve.

Please be gentle with yourself - whatever feels right for you is the only thing that matters.

With care.

Ravenclaw

You're going to find that no matter what you do or don't do you're going to feel some guilt. It's just part of the process.

I would drive myself to distraction thinking of what I didn't do.....didn't say.....why I did this and not that......it can really do a number on your mental health. I joined a grief counseling group for a short while after he passed away and it really helped. I didn't feel so alone but hated the fact that there were others hurting just as I was.

You'll get lots of advice from others during this time. I know I did. You just have to do what works for you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Having a place to come and write out your feelings where you know you won't be judged or criticized is invaluable.

Thanks all. It truly does help to talk, and to share.
Today we had some visitors to say goodbye. Seeing others in pain made me cry. It was good to cry together, and talk.

Thankful for every hour he is still with me, though it's hard to look at him breathing or being awake, while knowing this is over very soon.
I've just never experienced a loss of someone so close to me, so dear to me. He is my soulmate.

I've had you in my thought and prayers since reading your thread.

Losing my Bubba has been the hardest thing I've had to face in my 53 years. I lost my dad 15 years ago and I loved him dearly but this is different.

My husband was in a Hospice facility and we had people in and out all that weekend. Bless their hearts they were so sad to see him as he was. Knowing the vibrant man he had been. His sisters are having a hard time as Bubba was their baby brother.

I know you are going through so many emotions right now and will do so in the future. All you can do is take them as they come and try to get through them as best you can. I am so sorry and my heart aches for you.

Please reach out to us when you need to. Having this site to come to in my grief has helped me very much.

Please take care of yourself.

Hugs

Debi from Georgia

I totally agree with Debi. I've lost other family members and while it was terribly sad and difficult it's not the same as losing a spouse or lifetime partner. Just nothing compares. Nothing.

I was with my Dad when he passed away. I was not with my husband. I used to beat myself up about that but there was nothing I could have changed or done any differently that would have altered the outcome. I've learned to live with that.

I was/am so thankful that I got to be with my Dad. I was a "Daddy's girl" all my life (I was the baby) and being with him just seemed right.

I can tell you that from my own experiences with grief and death you will ponder and question every decision you make or have made. It's enough to drive you loopy but I guess it's just part of it. Did I do enough? Was I there too often or not enough? Did I talk enough or maybe he just wanted me to be quiet? Did I ask him enough if he had everything he needed or was I just "there" and didn't do enough? Argh!!! I can tell you now that whatever you do or have done is just right.....just enough. Please don't waste precious energy on second guessing yourself. You do the best you can and that is enough. It. Is. Enough.

You're in my thoughts and my prayers.

Dear Ravenclaw,

Do not fret about your process. You have already been grieving for a long time in anticipation and preparation. This is allowing you to be more at peace in these moments and will help you stay strong after he is gone.

If he is sleeping peacefully, let him rest. Hold him if YOU need to. There is no right or wrong way. It is okay to give a little space. It may very well be a gift to him to be alone with his own reflections in the moments between waking and sleeping and even beyond that.

Honor your wisdom and be kind to yourself. You know what is right and are doing just fine. It is good to reach out for support.

Sending hugs and thoughts of peace and love,

Dear Ravenclaw,

I have not posted on your thread before now but have been keeping up with it. Other posters have done a much better job of expressing my feelings and thoughts than I could possibly do so I have left it up to them.

I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you as you travel this path. Most of us have come to NT because of illness and pain, but the pain of grief is an emotional pain that has no comparison.

While no one can change the path before you, please know that we are here to support you along the journey now and in the future.

Hope