Yesterday it's been a month without him. It's like I'm not even really getting it. How is it even possible, a month? I stills see flashes of our last week together, and the day he died. How he died, how he felt when he was gone.
I still want to hold him in my arms, just once, to touch him or his hair.
It has been a month and his smell has left my house. This is probably another weird thing, but for this seems important. The first days there was always stuff like, finding a pill he just to take, finding a hair, his smell on his bed. This is all gone now. My house is so empty, I feel so alone.
I have people over, but my house isn't the same anymore since he has left it.

Thank you, Hopeless. It makes me feel I'm not totally messed up feeling and thinking those things. It does seem to help to write a little here. Just to put my thoughts into words, it seems to do me some good.

Dear Ravenclaw,

Thanks for keeping in touch with us. Everything you are feeling is very normal but oh, so painful. It will take time to adapt to all the changes and you are so correct, life HAS changed and will never be the way it was. (Sorry about the poor grammar) I know that sentence is grammatically incorrect.

Did your husband use a particular soap or aftershave? If so, you may want to put some of it on the bed to regain the smell until you are ready to let it go. I, too, missed the fragrance I associated with my lost one.

The stages of grief are not "steps" we take to get to a place beyond grief. We seem to revisit them all over and over and some simultaneously until we develop ways to cope and begin a different life than the one we know with our loved one.

It is not uncommon to have some feelings of denial even a month later. Numbness will stick with you for some time, also. We can surround ourselves with many people and still feel VERY alone. Your loss is very personal and no one feels as YOU did about your loved one. Every relationship is unique unto itself and so is the grief one feels for their loss. The symptoms of grief are shared by many but your relationship was unique.

Give yourself time. A month is but a second along the road of grieving while at the same time the pain may seem like an eternity. We will walk with you. You will smile again but until then, know that you are in our thoughts.

I just passed the 3 month mark of my husband's passing. I've been more at peace this week than anytime since he passed. I have no idea why and I'm sure it won't last.

At the 2nd month mark I just lost it, over and over. I had a terrible November and was in bed more than out of it.

I too have people in and out but nothing is the same and I am ALONE. I walk around the house and talk to him and touch things I KNOW he touched. I've kept his shampoo, deodorant and body spray and like to smell it and even spray some on my arm. Weird....I don't know and don't really care because it comforts me.

He could never find any of the small black combs he carried at all times. Since he passed I have found them everywhere ! And I'll say "Oh Bubba, here's another one of your combs".

I came here just after he passed and have no idea what I would have done without my NT family. I wrote and wrote and wrote and as with you they all responded and are helping me through this.

I think of you often and pray that you are doing ok. Knowing in my heart you aren't and hoping we both get through this.

I miss him so much my heart hurts.....physically hurts. We were together for 35 years and I had known him for 7 years before we married.

Hugs to you sweet lady

Debi from Georgia

hi Debi. i hope you know that you are no alone as long as you have your friends here at NT. i feel like NT is a family of mine too. i couldn't get though without all of your support and i am here for you if you ever need a friend to talk to.

i am sending healing thoughts and soft hugs to all of you who are missing loved ones right now. (myself included). i believe they are always with us still because we can still feel them, even if we can't still see them.

Thank you, for sharing it all. I too have his shampoo, I put it away because I can't look at it. I want to smell it, but still haven't tried because I'm scared of what it will do to me.

I seem to be feeling different. I cry more, but it's not like I can explain why exactly. Just that I feel sad, hopeless, full and empty. I'm just, I don't know.
Sorry again if it doesn't make sense. I hate it's getting further away from the date he passed, because at first everyone was you know, giving me hugs and wanting to take about him, grieving with me. But they all just go on with their lives, and I understand that, but somehow it kind of hurts me.
Not that there's a time limit, but most seem to think it's easier for me now. I got people to say, it's good you still have a healthy appetite, when my loved one died, I couldn't eat and lost over 20 pounds.
It confuses me. I eat but I'm not enyoing it. When I make dinner I cry when I'm alone. How do they don't get not all sadness is visible?

I'm so scared of time. Now it's been over 5 weeks. What if I forget him? What if everyone around me forgets him? What if I stop feeling sad? What if I never stop feeling sad?

Sorry for this I don't know, nonsense, I just feel so depressed. I just really, really want to sleep and never wake up. Finally at peace. This battle is to hard for me to fight alone. I need him so much.

Dear Ravenclaw,

Again, what you express is very normal and natural and the pain seems just too much to bear but I promise you that it WILL get better, but it may never go away. I understand everything you have expressed.

I remember not caring if I lived or not, but I was not suicidal. I just did not want to live and I know to many people that makes no sense. Only those who have had those feelings understand them. I was not going to take my life in order to join my lost loved one, but I was feeling like I would embrace dying if that were to happen. Just no desire to live. If dying would allow me to be with the one I lost, I was all for it.

And how could others just go back to their lives? Didn't my loved one mean more than that to them? What a slap in the face. Didn't they care more than that? MY life had stopped dead in its tracks. How could they just pick up where they left off. Once the funeral was over and a little time passed, it was like everything was back to normal for everyone else. NOT me.

The very first words I uttered unknowingly spilled out of my mouth when my loved one died was, "MY life is over." It wasn't anything I thought, it just came out of my mouth.

Time did not seem to be my friend at all. It wasn't making anything any better.

It has been years since the loss of which I speak happened. I STILL feel sad at times. I STILL miss my loved one. I STILL have times when I think I can't get along without the one I lost. The pain is STILL with me but it just no longer rules my life. Some where along the line, I started to have a desire to live again but it wasn't something I even realized because it happened so slowly. Today I have a STRONG desire to live.

Grieving is a process, not something you experience for a certain period of time and then you are all better. It can be a very long slow road to travel for some of us and that is OK.

You will NOT forget him but you won't always hurt to think about him. The more time that passes, the less others understand your pain because they DID go on with their lives while you are stuck in grief. YOU are the one that is alone with your grief. Yes, many of those that were there for you suddenly have disappeared. Too busy with their own lives to see how you are struggling to cope with your grief. While they may not forget your loved one, it is NOT the same for them. They did not have the same relationship with your husband as you did. They may be sad, too, but they do not feel your pain.

When you want to talk about him, please talk with us. We are here to listen. We would love to hear about the man that filled your life and now leaves the hole in your life. If others are not willing to talk with you, we are.

There is nothing I can say to make your pain and heartache more bearable. Just know that we care about you and understand your feelings.

It can be very confusing to feel so many emotions that you just feel like you may explode and we don't even understand ourselves when we are in the throes of grief.

I am glad to hear that you ARE eating now, even if you are not "enjoying" it. You need to take care of yourself even if you don't have that desire.

You may feel alone, but you are NOT alone. You have a family of friends here. I know you need more than that, but we will try to be what we can be for you.

Dear soul
I would like to say writing all down
Sharing
Having love ones on this forum who just know and are blessed
To have and say just the right thing
Fill your heart with the love
And one moment at a time
Here always a shoulder you can rest your head
Love
Me