[moonstar]

i keep hearing that time will help me with missing my david,,,but it gets worse each day..each second... i am being told to remember the good times and memories..but they make me miss him more...i am in therapy and each week i am getting sadder..the memories hurt...i am trying so hard to keep things together and not have a breakdown---but i am having no success..i miss holding him,and the way he held on to me..we needed each other to make the days worthwhile..now nothing makes the days worthwhile...the nights are intolerable..all the pain in my heart is making all my medical issues soooo much worse..i am seeing so many drs that i have depleted all my savings and am forcing myself to try to make it to work each day..the drs want me to retire.. due to my sleep attacks,nights of insomnia,sleep apnea(cpap machine didn't help) rsd,and fibromyalgia...but i have no $$$$ in savings at all to not work...and staying home where david died takes my breath away and my will to stay here---when david was here keeping him safe and healthy and happy gave me a purpose to put my issues aside and care for him---but i depended on the hospital to watch you for 20 min. and they hurt you badly...because i let someone else do my job to care for you.. i lost you...my life will never be the same...i am failing at everything i try...and i feel like i don't fit into this cruel world anymore...i am being very selfish for wanting him back..but i don't want to be here without him...my heart and soul died the day he did....my life is so empty ...moonstar

[bebop]

I am so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

[moose53]

((((((Linda)))))),

but i don't want to be here without him...my heart and soul died the day he did

I know what that feels like I felt that for over 13 years after my brother committed suicide.

It's all still so new for you. The pain for you is still very strong. You're holding onto the anger for the hospital which isn't helping. I understand WHY, though.

Honey, you're hanging onto to EVERYTHING. That's why you're still hurting so much. You HAVE TO start letting go of some of the anger and letting go of the bad things.

Maybe it's time for you to move. I know what you mean about bad memories being tied to a location. My Mom died at my home in hospice care. I used to love that place. But, it wasn't the same afterward. Luckily, for me, it was a dump, so I wanted to move to a nicer place. There was, for me, an incentive to move.

I'm wondering if you're afraid that you'll lose David if you move. David is so much a part of your heart and your soul and even your breathing, you could live on Mars or on the Moon and the memories of your life with David would still be with you. Those memories will ALWAYS-ALWAYS be with you.

You HAVE TO let go of the anger, so you can feel the pain. Through the pain. Then to the dreams and the memories -- I still dream about my brother -- over 41 years later. The dreams are GOOD ONES too

and staying home where David died takes my breath away

sleep apnea (cpap machine didn't help)

Linda, do you ever READ the words that you write?? Of course, you can't breathe. Of course, the CPAP didn't work. You stopped breathing when David died.

You're in therapy. What are you talking about when you're there?? You don't need to tell me that -- tell yourself.

Draw a picture of your body on a piece of paper. Then draw all the places that you have pain or dysfunction. You're beating yourself to death for what happened to David.

IT *IS NOT YOUR FAULT* -- *WAS NOT YOUR FAULT*!!

I know you wanted David around you forever. He made your life worthwhile. That's an awful big burden to put on his shoulders. There were problems in your life before David. He gave you a sense of being needed and a sense of purpose. That's an awful lot of meaning to lose out of one life

I know what a beautiful, special person David was. I hate to think that because he came into your life for awhile that THIS is all you're left with. I don't believe that he ever wanted to wreak devastation on your life. I KNOW he didn't.

Linda, if this therapist isn't working for you, fire his @$$ and find someone that DOES work well with you. You need to talk out the anger about the hospital. Talk out the anger about your parents. Talk out the anger at David. When you get all the anger out and can start to REALLY-REALLY feel the pain and start working through the pain, you'll see that there's a life -- a decent life -- a good life -- even without David.

Linda, he's NEVER-EVER gonna be gone from this universe. He's part of your memory and part of mine (because I care about you). He's part of the energy that makes up the universe. Energy cannot be created or destroyed. The energy that was part of The Universe at its creation is still here. It's just in a different format -- just like David.

I love to think that my Mother's energy is part of the deer that used the salt licks near her grave.

I know my ex-husband's energy is in my Pumpkin cat 'cause the dang cat leaves all the doors open just like my husband did

Get yourself copies of "The Upanishads" and "The Bhagavad Gita" by Juan Mascaro http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw...22]from Amazon. Read about The Universe and eternity and life.

Linda, David would not want you in pain like this. He came into your life for a reason. I believe that reason was TO OPEN YOUR HEART. Please try to follow what his intentions for you were.

Bless you. Hugs and love.

Barb

[steash]

if i could cuddle you i would,(cuddle is like a hug just with much more meaning)
im not here to encourage you to read a book,just to pass on my heart felt thoughts and feelings
its 30 years since i lost my brother and not quite 1 year since my father died..
i would love to say i have found all the answers to life's strange and sometimes very very empty hurtfull questions but then i would have to admit i'm a long way from that.
i could also say "i should have" or "i could have" but then "could i" or "should i"
if nothing else this year has taught me "i couldn't" and "i shouldn't"
"does it make it any easier?" .. for me, and probably everyone else that would be a "no"
but to feel that you are not alone in these thoughts and feelings ,for me, makes the world of difference.
tomorrows a new day,a new beginning, may your memories live with you, try not to let them be your life..

big cuddles


steash

[Fancylady_2006]

What everybody is saying is the truth, Linda. I deeply care for you and am concerned you need a different DR than the one you have.

As you know I have lossed my husband of 47 yrs and its not easy. The best thing is not to obess about your loss. Try to picture him in a better place where he isn't suffering anymore. That GOD is taking care of him and that he has a new body now. The Bible tells us this is so. Picture him watching over you so that you won't be alone. This is what I do, when trouble comes along.
I will say a prayer for you tonight.I care so much for you.
Hugs, Billie

[moonstar]

i thank you all so very much...your words are truth but i am so lost...can't seem to find my way..i am trying to stay busy at work..but that is only 6 hrs out of the night- yes i am very angry at the hospital workers and myself...when i try to let go of the anger i drown in the tears...my therapist and i are working hard on this problem--not getting far--it is so hard!!!!!! between the physical pain and the depression(mental pain) i am a wreck..traiin wreck..looking at the light at the end of the tunnel and it is the train light ready to run me down some more... guess i am still a work in progress......forever........thanks for thinking of me and all your words of wisdom...i will keep trying--forever is a long time--and forever is how long i will miss my david---prayers for some peace of mind for us all---linda

[moose53]

((((((Linda)))))),

I do -- I *DO* -- pray for an easing of your pain so you can remember how wonderful it was to have David in your life.

I know you can't believe it now because you still hurt so much. But, the memories, THE MEMORIES, are what we all have. Memories of childhool. Memories of laughter. Memories of our Mothers and Fathers. And, if we were lucky, memories of our Grandfathers and our Grandmothers.

Memories are such an incredible gift. They connect the generations. But, we can't open the gifts until the tears lessen. I still ache for my Brother. I still miss him. It's been over 41 years now. But, when I go to sleep at night or when my mind wanders during the day, I have all those wonderful memories.

I wish that for you, Linda -- an easing of your pain -- so you can live the life that David wants you to live.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

[moonstar]

barb--i am so sorry for you and all the others who have had such devastating losses in their life...when i remember all the memories it is just still too hard to enjoy them..they make me so sad that i won't have any more future things to make memories of him..the memories hurt me beyond words..they make my heart bleed...i know this is not what he nor my mom want for me..but one by one my whole family has gone--leaving me to miss them--it is just too much for me to deal with..the day for laughing and smiling while remembering all the wonderful times we had i pray will happen soon cuz this pain is so much for me to handle...thanks for all your caring..i really don't know where i would be without you and this site...i have never met such caring people and thank god everyday for having found it and all of you..it does help me so very much--even thru all the tears i cry--my friend wants me to go to group therapy--but i don't think i am ready yet...i always feel things so hard and hearing others in pain hurts me too...maybe one day??? just not yet...i am still trying.... hugs to you..your words do make me feel as if i am not so alone-- my friends think i am holdiing on to my losses too much and really don't want to hear it anymore--so i keep my feelings mostly to myself and my therapist--who i see on wed. should see her everyday..but costs too much in co-pays--she has been a doll and not charging me the $30. a visit..i give her what i can when i can-and she is ok with that...going to have a cup of tea and try to sleep...hopefully without my sad dreams---linda

[Jan Nelson]

Originally Posted by moonstar

i keep hearing that time will help me with missing my david,,,but it gets worse each day..each second... i am being told to remember the good times and memories..but they make me miss him more...i am in therapy and each week i am getting sadder..the memories hurt...i am trying so hard to keep things together and not have a breakdown---but i am having no success..i miss holding him,and the way he held on to me..we needed each other to make the days worthwhile..now nothing makes the days worthwhile...the nights are intolerable..all the pain in my heart is making all my medical issues soooo much worse..i am seeing so many drs that i have depleted all my savings and am forcing myself to try to make it to work each day..the drs want me to retire.. due to my sleep attacks,nights of insomnia,sleep apnea(cpap machine didn't help) rsd,and fibromyalgia...but i have no $$$$ in savings at all to not work...and staying home where david died takes my breath away and my will to stay here---when david was here keeping him safe and healthy and happy gave me a purpose to put my issues aside and care for him---but i depended on the hospital to watch you for 20 min. and they hurt you badly...because i let someone else do my job to care for you.. i lost you...my life will never be the same...i am failing at everything i try...and i feel like i don't fit into this cruel world anymore...i am being very selfish for wanting him back..but i don't want to be here without him...my heart and soul died the day he did....my life is so empty ...moonstar

You must have faith that you were left behind for a reason. The reason we never know, maybe God is testing your faith in him. I don't think that God would want you to feel any guilt, and you didn't have anything to do with David's death. Be thankful that the last memory of him was seeing him pass on, remember his smile and his love for you. If you are thinking, easy for Jan to say she's not me. I have been there, done that, not my husband, but my dad was killed in a hunting accident when I was 15 yrs. old, and I lost my mom when I was 20, and saw my brother die a year ago. But, I am glad that I am still alive because had I not lived after my dad died, I would have missed out on a lot of life's loves, laughs. grandkids, and husband. Good luck, be strong. Best wishes, Jan