Oh Dear God help me. My Dad was 71 yrs old and passed last week. I was with him at home when he took his last breath. He fought until the end and didn't want to let go. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and doing fine and within the past two weeks, he declined so fast. He didn't want to go "home" and he was a fighter hanging on. I have not grieved or mourned yet. I am in the denial and shock stage still. After his last breath, I cried uncontrollably, because I sat there for 4 hours watching him struggle to hold on to *life*, even when we told him it was okay to let go.

We got through the Wake and Funeral and this week we started to do the Thank you notes for the flowers and Spiritual bouquets. Keeping ourselves busy(Mom and I). On autopilot sorta speaking.

Our phone rang yesterday, my Cousin, who was more like a Sister to Me, my Mom, was like a "Mom to her" as we grew up together, was found dead in her apartment at the age of 46 on Monday. OMG NO! We are waiting for the autopsy results to come back. They have to rule out foul play as well. She had been depressed and was under treatment for it, but at Dad's wake and funeral, Her, Mom and I made plans and she seemed so so happy and told me that we gave her something to look forward to. She wasn't physically ill, so part of me wonders, God forbid what she might have done.

She attempted a few times before and called for help at the right time. If thats the case, part of me feels so so angry inside at her if she did. Especially knowing what we were going through with my Dad just passing and he didn't want to go, he wanted to live, and to lose her too and a 95% chance by her own hand? I don't know. Is that wrong to feel that way?

Its all too much to handle at once for me, I can't grieve yet or mourn, I feel my Dad is still alive(denial) and now my Cousin. This is unbelievable, it can't be real or happening and why can't I cry now? Whats wrong with me, is it normal to be numb and not feel anything? My mind won't "go there" yet(that they are gone).

Lori

There is nothing wrong with you dear Lori. Everything you are feeling is normal. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this...you aren't alone.
Please keep talking. Gentle hugs.

((( Lori ))) I'm praying you

...that all of this has dropped on you at once. It must be extremely hard for you and your mother. You both have my deepest sympathy.

You are completely normal being angry at your cousin if she did commit suicide. I'm just sorry that you have to go through all of this.

Sincerely
Nancy-H

Lori, this is completely normal. I never went thru anger, but some do. I have made piece with God over this. My husband died in July and even today it is normal when I reach to touch him when I first awake. All I feel is my dog & then that scares me.

I am sure you & your mom are just in the grief process. Take deep breath & keep trying to get past this. Each day is a new day and somewhere down the road you will get over this. I have bad days too. I will pray for you.
Blessings,
Fancylady

I'm so sorry, ((((((Lori)))))).



I wish this wasn't happening to you (and to your family).

It's perfectly normal to feel "numb" -- your mind does that for you. When you are going through something that is just too mentally and physically overwhelming for you to feel all at once, your mind gives you the gift of temporary numbness. I felt that when my Brother committed suicide.

Honey, usually people that are dying and that have adjusted to that fact, start letting go and detaching from this life.

It sounds to me like you might have told your Dad it was OK to go (but, in your heart, you weren't really ready). That's OK. That might have been why he was holding on. I was doing the same thing when my Mom was getting ready to take her next steps. I DID get to the point where I was ready for her to go.

Lori, you're too overwhelmed to understand this now. But, you will come to understand it. You gave your Dad the kind of treatment that he deserved. You shared with him his dying moments -- that's the most intimate moment that you can share with anyone. He was NOT ALONE when he died -- you gave him an incredible gift. All of this will comfort your soul as move forward.

The best thing that you and your Mom can do for each other over this next difficult period is take care of each other. Let all the crap -- like housework -- go for now. Prepare simple meals -- soup and sandwiches. Spend time talking about the good memories of your Dad and your Cousin.

Maybe get two blank books and start a family tradition now that you'll add to on holidays and birthdays and other special days. Future members of your family are not going to have the blessings of your Dad and your Cousin in their lives. In those blank books, have everyone -- friends, family, co-workers -- write down what they remember about your Dad and your Cousin. What special gifts did they bring to your life?? What was the funniest thing they ever did?? What was the most loving thing?? This will be a beautiful tradition for your family and it will also bring the memories of two wonderful people forward to your future family members.

Pay attention over the next few days. Some small living being will visit you and will behave very differently. This will be your Dad and your Cousin letting you know that they have arrived safely. Read this if you want to find out more about after-death communication:
http://butterflywebsite.com/discover...ndrainbows.cfm

I'll say a prayer for your Dad and for your Cousin tonight before I go to bed. For you and for your Mom, too. Bless you all. Hold each other tight.

Barb

My thoughts and prayers arew with you and your family right now.

My Thanks to you all in my time of need. Your words have brought me comfort during this sad time in my life. Yesterday for my Cousins Mass, I was asked to write a Eulogy as we grew up together as Sisters. I was doing okay, recalling funny memories we shared. At least I got everyone laughing and smiling again.

I got to a part about my Dad and almost lost it in front of Everyone. But..I carried on. Later on, it all hit me at once about my Dad. The tears started, but still I couldn't allow myself to grieve or cry. I was at the after celebration of my Cousins life. Since then, I have been holding it all in. I am waiting to spend time alone to grieve and let it all out.

Strange things started to happen last night. We lost our heat. Thats not the strange thing, but what happened after. We went to light the pilot on the furnace, and it wouldn't light, we were just going to call for service Monday. Something fell on my husbands head, it made him look up and he noticed the motor was red hot and could have started a major fire had we not shut of the emergency burner switch. I know it was my Dad telling him to shut the Emer. switch OFF! Then, for some strange reason lights would not work, but the fuses were all fine. Then this morning all the pictures my Mom has hanging on the wall of the Grandchildren(13 of them), well 3 just fell and crashed to the floor for no reason at all. They were secure up there and have been for years and years. None of the glass broke though.......Odd.

I don't know. I am just so sad and I believe my grieving process is going to begin, I feel very very depressed and weepy. I keep expecting to go into my Dad's room and see him in his recliner, but he's not there anymore. I am not numb anymore, I am so so heartbroken. I wish I was numb. It hurts to much feeling the pain.

My Cousin did take her own life. I can't be too angry at her. She did her suffering here on Earth, she did her time, she was too tired I guess.

Thank you for the link Barbara. It is SO appreciated. BTW, Its me Barb, the old, "Lori"(spelled differently) from SD 1, 2 & 3. My life has changed so significantly, I'm not the *old* Me anymore, the old Me is gone and changed.

Thanks to All for caring.

Lori

((((((Lori)))))),

It's you -- it's REALLY you!!

What a way to find each other, huh

I'm sorry about your cousin. It took me years after my Brother's suicide to realize that some people just cannot live in this realm -- it's just too hard and too painful. Even though I'm sorry your cousin's gone; I hope she got the relief that she was looking for.

The hard part comes now -- the surviving. Just let the days flow around you. Welcome life. Appreciate life. You'll get to the day when the memories are stronger than the pain.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

May you be surrounded by love at this time. (((HUGS)))