It gets easier???? You lost her Sept. 11th for crying out loud. You haven't scratched the surface of easier yet. GRIEVE!!!! GRIEVE!!!! You're entitled to that.

A friend of mine did the same type of thing. I tried, intervened, got him help. He was angry at me for awhile and then said that he was touched because I was the only person who cared enough to WANT to get him help. Two weeks later, he killed himself. And I felt exactly like you--like I hadn't done enough, that what I did may have set him off, etc. But you know what? I didn't. I was there, tried to be a friend, and it didn't work. His pain inside was too overwhelming and he did what he felt he had to to end it.

You can drive yourself crazy with questions. You can make yourself feel horrible with guilt. But you were there. You loved your mom. You tried. Sure, maybe you could have done more, but would that realistically have made a difference? You'll never be able to answer that question. I couldn't. And now I know I won't ever be able to answer that.

You need to grieve. You need to fully explore your loss of your mother. And you really shouldn't blame yourself or any physical problems you're having right now as the potential cause of your mom's death. It's bad enough that you may have a disease like MS, which in itself causes you to grieve initially for all the things you could lose yourself. You don't need to pile blame on it too.

Come to the SOS forum. There are people there who understand exactly what you're saying. Who are willing to listen any time you are ready to talk--even if it's just spewing memories of your mom out there. People will listen, understand, and brighten your day.

It's ok.
You're normal.
This hurts.
This sucks.
But you're not to blame.
And that is ok.
Your mom loved you.
That's what counts.
Her last words were for you.

Hold her close.
Get angry at her for doing this.
Then forgive her.
Remember her love and the happy things.
But grieve first to get to that point.
That's how you heal.