I lost my mother by her own hand on September 11th and I thought like everyone has told me that it would get easier for me to handle my emotions but I can't. I loved my mom so much. She was such a loving, caring person much like myself. Her and my dad divorced in 2006 and she was never the same. She tried to keep working but she couldn’t stay committed to the job, she would think about things and would end up getting sick and go home. She'd just sit in her apartment and feel alone, all the while I was at my job. She had good days and bad and I saw them all. I just never thought she would actually kill herself. We had talked about suicide before and she told me her faith in God would not allow her to do such a thing. I knew she was getting bad because I had to leave work several times because she would text me goodbye. I got her help, took her to talk to someone but obviously it did not work. Her last words were "no more pain, please don’t hate me" that she wrote on a little piece of paper and left it by her nightstand.

I can’t help but wonder if I was the one to send her over the edge. I was diagnosed with optic neuritis in 2006. I was put on steroids and after several weeks it cleared up. Since then I’ve had several more attacks. Recently I’ve been having coordination problems and I have pins and needles feelings in my legs and arms. I went to my primary and she ordered an MRI. The MRI came back with something and I was referred to a neuro. Then my mom was gone so I’ve never gone. She needed me, I couldn’t have MS. Is this why she gave up? I’ll never know.

I know she wasn’t happy and I keep telling myself that she’s not hurting anymore. But I am an only child and I just feel like no one understands the hurt I am feeling inside. Am I just supposed to go on with a happy face and mask my true feelings inside? I don't want to bother others with my sadness but I feel so lost. I just need an escape and hopefully writing here will help me connect with others who do know how I feel. I miss her everyday, every minute, every second. It hurts my heart to think that she felt so unloved.

Hello again Earth Angel

even tho I have posted to you on the Community Feedback forum I just wanted to leave you another (((hug))) and say how deeply I feel for what you are going through.

Please dont blame yourself. I am hoping some of our SOS members will stop by here too, and please do also consider posting on that board
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

my prayers are lifted for you.
with deepest sympathy
Cheri

I'm so sorry.

My brother-in-law lost his 16 year old grandson to suicide last week, so I can well understand some of the emotions that you're going through.

Please follow the link that Chemar gave you, and come over to the Survivors of Suicide Forum. That's the forum where others in the same position as ourselves get together to support each other.

Earth Angel, please don't blame yourself. From what you wrote I believe you were a loving daughter, and I daresay your mother would have been very proud of you.

Hello earthangel. To me, it sounds like you were a wonderful daughter. Please don't blame yourself. I lost my dear Mother last year to an awful disease that took her all to quickly from us, so I know the loss you feel. But, we just can't wonder what we could have done different.

Please know that you have many friends here.

I'm so sorry Earth Angel....I know just how you feel and of course you blame yourself. It goes with the territory when someone we love chooses to end their life. We feel anger, guilt, and terribly rejected. It's a roller coaster ride of emotions. Our only son killed himself years ago and it changed our family forever.

Please know that we are here for you...and that all of your feelings are normal feelings for someone who is grieving a loss of one so loved.

Warm hugs....

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your Mom. I wish I could reach through
this computer, hold onto you and tell you, this isn’t your fault!! If I could
encourage you to do one thing it would be to keep talking about your feelings.
Everything you are feeling, have felt and will feel, you need to share so you
aren't consumed in your pain. Talk with your doctors as well, there is no shame,
in fact it takes great strength to ask for help.

I know how profoundly you are hurting. The whys and what if’s that haunt you.
I know because my Dad took his life in March of this year. I am still in horrific
daily pain. I will never recover wholly from this loss. Please do not be so hard
on yourself, it has been such a short time, you most certainly can not
be expected to "handle your emotions" It has been 6 months for my family,
and the healing is just starting for us.

I have lost many I loved, I lost my only baby, my husband is now dying....
but nothing has compared to the grief of my Dad's suicide. Until you experience it,
you just can't understand the full impact it has on the "survivors" left behind.
As other have suggested, please consider coming to join us in the SOS forum.
There you will meet others who have survived this loss. SOS has been a Godsend
to me. I don't think I could have survived without their love and unconditional support.
Let us try to help you. Hold your hand while you go through this difficult journey.
My thoughts and prayers are with youNikki


please see this link in the sos forum Chemar started for you
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread54651.html

I lost my Mother last year. Please don't blame yourself. I know how deeply a person can feel alone. I know the grief of a sudden death. I understand the void that is felt. I know the other feelings involved. We are hear,and you aren't alone. Let the false guilt go. The MS is genetic,and you did not chose it,and it's not your fault,and it's not fair. Let rest,and peace fill your heart,and bless your heart. Brokenfriend

((((EarthAngel))))))

There are many of us here who have walked in your shoes and understand the terrible grief that is made worse when the one we love makes the choice or gives in to the impulse of talking their own life.

Please let us help you heal from this tragedy and pain. Come here and talk to us and vent and cry and express all the normal emotions you are entiltled to have.

The SOS forum is especially made for survivors like you and me and others.

Please accept our warmest welcome and hugs.

Nan

Earth Angel



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7hDnKtc9oM



David

My Sympathy goes out to you. Please except big hugs from us all.
Fancylady~