david what can i say but that i am so sorry for leaving you alone in the hospital with an aide who didn't do her job...i kept you safe and loved for 24 yrs. why didn't i follow my instincts that she was not listening to me when i told her how to care for you while i went to the bathroom....i will regret that decision for the rest of my life...due to her neglegience you jumped out of the bed and fractured your hip leading to another surgery for you.the first surgery was such a success. you would finally be out of some of the pain you were in for so long..it took alot of faith to get the ileostomy surgery. but it worked. why did they let you lay flat on your back after the surgery when i wasn't there???? this caused you to get phemonia... which in the end was what caused you to leave me...if i could only take one day back it would be that one...i miss you so much..my heart and soul has been taken away from me. you were born on christmas day...you are and always will be my special angel..how do i go from taking care of you 24/7 to you being gone??? you are my reason for being and my life will never be complete again. i am so glad that i was with you and had you in my arms while looking into your sparkling eyes when you left...i wish i knew you were ok..send me a sign please.. i love you today tommorrow and yesterday....linda (your sister/god-mother/guardian/and my everything...

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((((linda))))

Moonstar,

Your posting just breaks my heart. I am so sorry that you had to go through your loss.

I pray that in time you can let go of the guilt. It sounds to me as if you gave so much love to your David, and who could ask for anything more.

Some people are on this earth for 80+ years and don't ever feel the love and tenderness that you gave to David.

Seems that you were both blessed to have had each other.

With warm regards and thoughts,
Judy

(((Moonstar))) No words I can think of are sufficient to describe how this post made me feel. May God bless you and grant you peace.

thank you all so very much... your words touch my heart also,,,,
all i ever wanted in life is to have some piece of mind...thank you all again...

Big hugs Moonstar!!

Know that you done your best. To give love to someone so special in your life is the greatest gift you can give. I too, lost my husband to cancer the middle of July and life is hard for awhile. My first Christmas without him and now his birthday is in Jan. He was the love of my life and life can be hard.

Put it in words and we will listen to you and try to help. Don't blame yourself though. You did the best you could do.
May Gods peace be with you,
BC

thank you for all the kind words..but it is so hard not to put the blame on myself..it was me who decided to get him the surgery..it was me who decided to entrust his life to an aide who could have cared less about him..it was me who made all the decions for him during his life..if only i had not decided to leave him for that 20 min (to take a short break and go to the bathroom) he would still be here with me today and i would have a reason to fight all the pain i am in to be able to love and take care of him..now the depression and the pain is all i have and i guess i deserve it for letting him down when he needeed me the most...linda

How long has your brother been gone? Give yourself some time. if you want to blane somebody, blame the aid or nurse, or the DR. should have left orders not to let him lay. Your not a Dr and it it your fault. There were a lot of people looking after him, not just you. I tried to get my husband to quit smoking, then I tried to get him to go to the Dr sooner, but he wouldn't do it. So in our case he passed out and was sent to the hospital. That's how I found out he had cancer.

I am not taking the blame tho. I did my best, and I know you did to. maybe its to soon for you yet. But try not to blame yourself! He is with God and in a better place, where there is no suffering anymore.
{{{{{Gentle Hugs}}}}}}}
Billie

thanks billie---- my precious david left me oct 16,2005. he was born on dec 25 so this is a real hard time for me around the holidays..yes the drs and the aide are at fault..but it was MY job to keep him safe..and i failed him..i failed myself...yes he is out of pain now..but it is my pain that gets worse..i know it is very selfish of me...i am so lost without him..my heart and soul have been damaged beyond repair..he was non-verbal so i was his voice.i could read his mind and know exactly what he wanted or needed..when hw was younger he had a fever of 104...i held him and his fever went away and made me very sick....we amazed everyone and his drs were stumped as they witnest it on several occasions...he was what made my life have meaning..the reason i was the one who adopted him...he brought so much light and meaning to my life..now i feel empty...can't replace him with anything or anybody else.. thanks for caring and letting me vent..can't see thru the teaars right now...bless you..linda