I have been burning myself
For, years
At first, it was
A conscious, effort
I remember, the very
Begining of it all
I had just been
raped, by my boyfriend
I was all of 14
I didn't know what to do
I was stuck, at his apartment
Afterward
So, I stepped into
The kitchen
I decided to clean-up
the after dinner dishes
From, the meal, I had
Made for him
Earlier, in the evening
I just had to busy myself
Doing, something
I was so hurt
But, I couldn't cry
I was too afraid
So, I just stood
At the sink
My hands, working,
Steadily, as the steam
Rolled up, toward
The ceiling, in that
Dimly-lit, kitchen
I didn't even want
For him to notice
I just hurt, so bad
Inside
I needed to feel it
On the outside too
It's the only thing
I could think to do
Eventually, it just became
habit
I always, from then on
Turned the water
as hot as it could go
even, in the shower
It was automatic
now, it's a consicous
Effort
Not to do it...

This is awful! Yet you've described it so well it makes my stomach hurt! I can't begin to imagine surviving an experience like that, or what could make you feel like punishing yourself for it. That guy was a criminal, and a creep, and a plain old just bad person. There is nothing in the world I can say that would express the way I feel right now, so I'm not going to try. Buy my heart is going out to you!