[FreeSpirit]

Not sure where to start. Increasingly more difficult to express myself these days. Writing something like this takes me forever. Finding the words/re-reading/erasing/retyping etc. I've been feeling real sad for a long time now. Too many reasons/situations/occurances etc to explain fully. Not sure if it's real "depression" or just a case of "a lot of crap happening one after another for a long while now", therefore having every reason to be feeling just "Plain old extremely and understanderbly sad". Whatever the reason, due to past/recent life experiences etc, I feel a lot of what's been causing a fair bit of the sadness/hurt/confusion/frustration etc, is a feeling of not being heard/understood. Not heard by family, by doctors or by friends. Feeling I've tried everything in my power to be heard/never giving up/always brushing myself off and trying again. It really hasn't helped that I tried twice to ask for a forum to please be added on both the "forum request" threads and was seemingly not heard. *sighs* I keep telling myself it was just an oversite and mostly that's what I believe but, again, due to past/current situations/occurances, it's darn hard to ignore being "not heard" again.
Anyway, not really important in the big pic after all, just saying it adds to the feelings. I guess I'm just venting because I'm finding it more difficult than ever, in my past, to "brush myself off....". I'm not even sure I want to. I'm so tired of trying to be heard. I'm tired of not feeling able to trust anymore. I'm tired of feeling like my body is falling apart/I'm in pain etc and no one hears me. Perhaps I'm just tired. Perhaps it is all in my head. Perhaps it's just me.
I'm not sure. I'm not even sure any of this post makes sense. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.
Wishing you all better days ahead,
FS

[ponyboy]

Been there, done that...

Read here.

Join the club, F.S.

Much love and

[Julie]

Free Spirit, can you PM me your forum request and I'll make sure it gets to the right person.

[resqgirl911]

Been there- circling the drain as we speak . . .

[FreeSpirit]

thank you for your replies.

you both are far more eloquent at expressing your feelings tham i am. perhaps that's part of why i'm not heard. i realize many feel the same/worse than i do. i was just hoping to have my words/feelings heard.

Julie not to worry. i noticed that someone else has since requested for the forum i asked for. i'm sure thier request will be heard.

i hope you all have better days ahead

bye,
fs

[moose53]

((((((FreeSpirit)))))),

I've got a suggestion/idea. You can do with it what you will. I'm assuming you have a wastebasket handy

I've been fighting depression for about 46 years (since I was a teenager). Lost my younger Brother (the other half of my soul) to suicide when I was 21. So ... I figure I've got a little bit of experience to base this on.

I'm in 'lowered tones' now. I figured it was just the d*** depression coming back. But, I think it's different this time. It'll be 40 years on October 24 since my Brother committed suicide -- the 'decimal' years are harder. I'll just wait it out.

This is my idea: Get some great big sheets of paper and some big fat crayons and sit on the floor (if you can) or on the bed in a quiet room and just draw. Draw your body. Draw your thoughts. Just draw clouds and put words inside the clouds. See if any of the clouds are 'related'.

You mentioned that you were having trouble getting "in touch" using your words. I believe that sometimes there just aren't words to express what we feel. That's why the drawing is so helpful. It connects with a different part of your brain.

I'll give you an example. 15/16 years ago, I fell when I got carpet shampoo on my no-wax kitchen floor -- didn't know I could skate across the entire room like that I fell and sat on my thumb. They thought I might have broken the thumb -- it was all black and hurt like heck. Then I got an infection that went from the thumb up into the wrist.

The interesting thing is the other wrist started hurting too and I hadn't done anything to that one. They did all the nerve and muscle conduction tests. Couldn't see anything on the other hand.

I got crayons and paper and sat down and drew my pain. What I drew was me trying to chop my hands off at the wrists because my Brother was trying to pull me into the grave with him. That was only way I could think of to get him to stop pulling me toward him.

When I realized what was going on -- I cried -- SOBBED uncontrollably for a long time. Then I started to heal.

I don't know you. But, I gather from what you just said that there are 'issues' in your history. Heck, we all have issues. But some have bigger and better (*NOT*) issues than others.

If there's something in your history that you haven't dealt with yet. OR, if there a decision NOW that you need to make and you're putting it off, you'll find out what it is by drawing it.

It's weird, but it really does work.

I wish you guys weren't having to deal with this. I know how much it hurts and I know how much it . The hardest thing that we have to do is FACE what is causing us pain. Once we 'accept it' or 'deal with it' or 'learn to live with it' or 'find a way around it' -- whatever the solution turns out to be for YOU, it's much easier to **LIVE**.

BIG HUGS. And joy in your future.

Barb

[Looking4hope]

Hello Free Spirit! Please don't think you are alone in not being heard. Not being heard and feeling left out as at its strongest when depressed. I am depressed as well and these thoughts have invaded my mind and will not leave.

When I first started therapy, I did not know how to express myself at all. Eventually, I became quite good at expressing myself with words. This suprised me immensely. I had a new talent! Unfortunately, I can't make a living doing it, although I wish I could. What I do now isn't fulfulling at all and it has become a source of chronic stress in my life. I feel powerless in this situation and I know it is feeding my depression.

Please understand that writing it down and expressing how you feel is a good thing even if you don't get what you want.

Hmm... I think this is advice that I need to take! It's always easier said than done. You are not alone.

~Looking4hope

[Looking4hope]

Barbara, as usual you are full of wonderful advice for those in need. I want you to know how much it meant to me when you and the INVISIBLE KID came to rescue on the PTSD forum. I felt for the first time that someone cared for me even though they didn't really know me. What a gift that was!

FYI, I made it through that hospital visit and a couple of times after that, as well. (((HUGS))) I'm still alive!

~Looking4hope

[Idealist]

Barbara, you always give such compelling advice. You were the first person to reply to my very first post on OBT all those years ago, and you made me feel welcome right away. (I was Autowizard there.)

Freespirit, I don't think that all of it is in your head. Maybe part of it, but not all. Too many people DON'T want to hear about problems, especially ones like ours. I guess it's just too difficult for them to comprehend. I can never figure out why my family and friends can't at least accept that I'm different now, that I'm struggling with something that's very real, and not just some imaginary emotional trauma. My pain is real...my disability is real...even if it's not visible on the surface. I can't just think it away. I know they can't comprehend it, but why can't they just accept that it's a totally real thing?

It's hard to put a finger on the root cause of one's pain, let alone find a release for it. Barbara's right about that. If you can do it through drawing, or writing, or music...then that's great. I haven't found my outlet yet. Sometimes the new pressures keep building faster than I can deal with the old ones. Sometimes I'm not even sure what the issues are. Anyway, I don't think I'm making a lot of sense here, am I? I hope you can find your way out of this funk that's bearing down on you. You know it won't seem this hopeless forever. Take care of yourself...