Hello. I am new here, writing most due to high levels of melancholia. I am not sure if this is the correct location for this or not; if not I would appreciate any guidance to the correct location. For the sake of brevity, some parts may have a darker overtone without proper lead in. Current state is that of a moderate lower swing for past week or so.

I have had moderate high levels for nigh on 15 years with occasional more severe swings. Due to the length, this technically would qualify as dysthymia, but even at the beginning, it was not mild. First onset was around 7th or 8th grade and within half a year it was on the level of being on the verge of doing something to cease to exist. However, I instead followed the path of abandoning myself and going on solely for others. This allowed me to force myself through normal and expected activities and pretend to be okay whenever anyone may notice. However, unchanged was the hope to get to cease to exist, yet I was now forbidden from doing anything to bring this about.

Since the onset, I have not had more than a few hours at a time that the melancholia is not clearly present. As time has gone by, my base level has continued to decline, albeit slowly, with several very severe drops that last from hours to weeks. This drops are such that I am not able to mask myself anymore and not really safe to drive. Before, an during the drops, I am get chills and often am unable to feel warm. Often I am worse in the morning and late evening.

I go from not eating to eating too much depending on what is easiest at the time. Currently I am about out of food, but getting myself to go to the market is difficult enough that I have just cut back to milk with protein for dinner and garbanzo beans or celery for lunch to last a few more days.

Tests have been done of several things, including Vit D and thyroid levels (all three), all of which have come back normal. I am currently daily taking 5000 Vit. D, 2 Omega Fish, multi, Deproloft, AdreCor, and Balance D for this condition. Past experience with prescription anti-depressants has been bad (amplifying mood variation, both higher and lower, permanent reduction in critical thinking, learning ability, and comprehension) so I am trying a different approach. My main incentive to deal with this is that it is hindering ability to do things for others and at least offer them some light in the bleakness of existence.

Also, a year ago I was diagnosed with Lyme after having symptoms for 2 years prior and no diagnosis or aid. I did notice that when symptoms flair up, so does my melancholia. After several antibiotic rounds I cam currently on Samento, Banderol, and a blend containing Hu Zhang, Goldenseal, Huang Bai, Huang Lian, and Qing Hao. These have helped a little, but are beginning to lose effectiveness. I don't know what impact this has on my current melancholy state.

Socially, I am typically alone. Only a few people from the past still keep in contact and I feel that I have to mask my melancholia strongly to prevent the remainder from fading away as well. The few I don't have to mask around, typically make fun of me the same way that I do, so they aren't the best for my state of mind. I am 29 and never had a date nor gone as far as kissing another on the lips. Most often I just stay locked in my apartment alone doing stuff to distract me (video games, internet, videos) as while being out had a short term positive effect, it has a more negative backlash of reminding me of what I will never have or find.

I am not sure of my purpose for writing here. I am pretty sure I am beyond saving, and just explaining everything properly would span over 130 typed 0.7 border pages (already mostly written up) which I think makes me too difficult for even the therapist to make much headway. Thank you for your time and hopefully I didn't have a negative impact on you.

Bless your heart. I sure can relate to depression, which is what you're describing. I've been depressed since I was a child. Of course, my parents didn't recognize it -- they didn't recognize anything.

When I was in my mid twenties, I went into therapy - and after many sessions, even my therapist suggested I get on an antidepressant, so I did. Of course i stayed in therapy given my childhood. Later on, I spent a couple of weeks in the mental ward of a hospital, which did me a LOT of good!

I'm sorry that antidepressants don't work for you, as they've pretty much saved my life! I'm glad you're in therapy tho. It DOES help, although it can be painful having to delve into some of the dark alleys of life. But once we get thru those and deal with some of the past and put it to rest, life can look a bit better. What I have a lot of problem with is day to day living and socialization. I'm great in a crisis -- but this day to day stuff is what gets me. LOL Plus making friends and dealing with lots of people and/or crowds is pretty overwhelming.

It does take time, my friend. We didn't get this way overnight, so we aren't going to be "cured" overnight either. I'm OLD now, and stopped going to therapy, thru my own fault. My husband died, and ALL our friends "dumped" me after he died --- i have no idea why. I guess it's because no one wants a single woman in a "couples only" group. So i got mad and said "to heck with it." LOL

But you are NOT "beyond saving!!!" You are very YOUNG!!! You have your whole life ahead of you! Good heavens, don't give up now! You're very well-spoken, obviously intelligent, and seem very very NICE. So please keep the faith! And try posting in the "Depression" forum. You'll get more answers there, I'm sure.

God bless and please keep posting & keep us updated, ok? Hugs, Lee

Thank you for your reply.

The supplements I am taking that are aimed at being a more natural form of antidepressant haven’t had a large effect as of yet, but they have prevented very large negative swings. Basically, they are acting as a net to prevent me from descending to the worst of it.

I am aware of many of the causes and underlying mental roots, but am unable to conquer them without outside intervention. It is my fault that I have descended into such a state, though.

Before the start of the melancholia, I noticed an unwanted tendency towards becoming judgmental or condescending, in part due to my performance in school. I didn’t like these traits, but they arose unconsciously again and again despite all I tried. As a final effort, I waged an all out attack on self esteem and self confidence. I engrained measures and processes to hold myself down and thought of any way I could usurp these controls and built in additional defenses to prevent me from doing to. I constructed an elaborate system to shatter my self esteem and confidence and keep it shattered that was made in such away that I could not undo it without outside intervention or solid contradictory experiences. So, at least for me, it is not too difficult delve deep, and being very open by nature helps me discuss it as well.

Hopefully I can continue with my current therapist. They seem to be helping a little, and having someone who just doesn’t want to mask the problem with drugs is helpful. Recently however, they have been a little more disorganized, and when calling me back for something, I can hear sadness is their voice, even if they are better able to mask it when in sessions. I hope nothing is wrong with them and at worst, they just over-extended a little.

I hope that things will get a much better as they can in your case as well. I am feeling a little better currently, at least well enough to buy food and work without my state being too obvious. Still, loneliness doesn’t help that much and tends to aggravate the melancholia rather than have no effect. Perhaps that may change when I can be more active again after recovering from a surgery, which should be soon, but I have little hope.

Someone I know from college mentioned trying to set me up with someone once I recovered. However, I don’t know how that will go since by my age I am expected to know certain things through experience, yet all I have is television and movies to go by. So unless the lady is very patient and understanding, there is little chance, and even then I may feel too bad subjecting them to a fount of despair such as I. Yet, one of the built in keys to breaking the negative structure is the formation of a relationship (the most assailable part of the structure), but it seems selfish to engage in such a pursuit, even if it is the last bastion of hope.

Well, if you want or need to discuss anything or the like, I can do my best to try and help, just let me know.

Hello again ~ When you spoke of your therapist, you mentioned "they." Do you have more than one? I certainly hope not, as that wouldn't be very therapeutic. It would be hard to connect to a particular therapist and to really trust him/her if you didn't see the same one each time. Do you see the same therapist each session?

I'm sorry you're having to have surgery. I certainly hope it's not a serious surgery and that you won't be laid up for a long time! Please let me know when your surgery is scheduled, ok? I don't want to worry that you've disappeared for a time -- otherwise, I'll have people out looking for you! LOL

I think it's great that your friend has set you up with someone! I'm sure he found a lady that he thought would be appropriate for you! Just be yourself -- and don't worry about it. You're a well spoken young man, and you don't want to try to be someone you aren't. That's too much work and it just doesn't work anyway. She'll like you just the way you are!

I know that I am the cause of many of my lapses into awful depressions too. I tend to relapse occasionally, even on my medications, although not as severely as when I'm NOT on medication. I don't know WHY I do that to myself -- I'm sure it has to do with my childhood AND adulthood. Perhaps it's lack of affection as a child (I had none) and maybe guilt as an adult (horrible 1st marriage). There are probably hundreds of reasons. I'd drive myself crazy trying to figure it out. LOL I guess the reason isn't really important. The fact is, I relapse and I have to get myself OUT of it. And I usually do, either by distracting myself, taking a nap, talking to someone, or just waiting it out and trying to think about something else.

Anyway -- I hope your date goes well, but more importantly I hope your SURGERY goes well! Again, please let me know when it's scheduled, ok? Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

My therapist is just a single person, I just use the word "they" as a non-gender specific singular since no such word save "it" exists in English that I am aware of, and you can't really use it to refer to a person.

I already had the surgery in mid-March, currently I am just dealing with residual incisional pain. I was out of work until a month and a half after the surgery and am just starting to resume normal activity levels without pain.

In person I am quite shy and unable to speak well. I tend to have my mind blank and feel my speech to sound coarse (as in plodding to say what is intended). I am much more adept at saying what I want to say as I intend through writing. I am planning to call my friend some time this week to meet up.

The methods you mentioned to try to get out of a relapse or dip are typically the same that I use for more severe dips or just to normal coping behavior. For me, I think understanding the reasons behind a dip could help me prevent it from occurring (assuming the reasons are within my control).

My supplement dosage was recently increased with the addition of 5htp extended release. The change may have had an effect, but I have to see if the dizziness/spacey feeling that began this morning continues or not. Luckily I have an appointment at the end of the week regarding this.

Goodbye for now and I hope everything is going well for you.

Good to hear from you and I'm glad & relieved that your surgery went well! I hope the incisional pain subsides soon, as that can be quite annoying!

I understand about being shy and unable to speak well. I stumble all over myself in a one-on-one situation with someone I've just met. It's very embarassing to me, and I feel very inadequate. If the other person is also shy, we just sit there like 2 bumps on a log staring into space. It's very uncomfortable. That's one reason I gave up dating after I became a widow, and another is because I kept feeling like I was cheating on my late husband.

I'm really glad your medication was increased and you believe it has helped. I'm almost sure the dizzy/spacey feeling will subside as this almost always does. With medications, this has always stopped after a short period of time for me. I assume it will for you too, as others have said it has stopped for them too. It's a common side-effect for many medications that eases with time.

I hope you'll keep posting and keep us updated on how you're doing/feeling. This is a good place to get feedback & meet new friends at the same time. Take care & good to "see" you again. Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee