I’m in the midst of one of my better pity parties so get out now if you want.

I am still so broken up about having to retire from wheelchair fencing but the cost, the back pain and getting my butt kicked at every competition was too much for my fragile ego. Oh wipe some dirt on it and walk it off Darryl. I am going through my “for whom am I doing this?” Getting out is a trip to the Dr. or my workout a couple of times a week.

I signed up and am attending classes in the Acquired Brain Injury program here in San Diego that I attend 4 days a week. It’s nice to spend time with “My people.” As I look around I see that I am actually fairly high functioning for the extent of my injuries. I did notice yesterday that I seem to be backsliding in some cases. Not paying attention to my speech, how and where I walk. It’s almost as if I am not trying and letting myself fit in. I am ashamed to say I am almost embarrassed by functioning higher than the group. The other day I came across a guy standing outside the men’s room crying because he didn’t know where his classroom was. Fortunately we were going to the same room so I walked with him. I ask him every day now if he knows where to go and I’ve kind of adopted him by getting him to the first class and then making sure he gets to the second period. I either go and get him or make sure someone gets him where he’s going.

Some of the stroke survivors cannot talk that well so I am working with them. So it makes me realize how much I hate being the way I am. Suck it up Darryl; you could be like these folks. My answer to that is ,”but they aren’t me. My issues are just as bad for me as theirs are for them.

I wonder if my stroke aggravated my spine because I am not walking evenly and favor one side over the other? So the rocking in fencing hurts. Of course having a TIA in Milwaukee was no fun. I don’t travel with a PCA and sure can’t afford to. Maybe I’ll be able to be “just” a club fencer. Right now I don’t care.