Well, summer came to an end. My s.o. and I were able to do... So little.
My leg. It kept us from doing what we wanted. I couldn't hike, bike, or run. These are things we grew up loving to do. Things we still want to do.
His best time he spent this summer was a home up a mountain. His best time this summer, i was unable to attend. To join in on.
He has seen me in more pain anybody should see anybody. He is scared of my leg. Scared I'd hurt it. Bit it on this, step wrong, or sleep wrong.
There have been three major hypotheses to my leg. One is valgus deformity. This has been diagnosed this fall. It isn't texting to the treatment properly.
Three second is lose joint syndrome. The collagen kind. Nearly diagnosed. I can do ask the tests flawlessly. The floor touching, the thumb bending, the finger bending. I can even bend my arms and legs in 'not normal' ways.
The third is arthrosis. This has never been tested. And the doctors want to rule everything else out first.
Treatment had been incredibly slow and for years it has effected me and him so much.
I'm just losing patience. My leg is a burden, and I had to give up so much because of it.
I was getting trained to be a prima. I was in kick boxing. I was hiking, and swimming and walking and running. All this I had to say goodbye to. Ask this I still cannot do almost eight years later.
It's hard. Hardest to see how he feels about it. Hardest to see how it effected him.
I come seeking some comfort. I find it hard to reassure myself.

If you were a ballerina, then you must have been a superior athlete.

I would imagine a lot of your emotional pain would be that you don't see yourself as the person you used to be. Sadly it's a place so many of us find ourselves in for so many reasons. Because you're dealing with so much physical pain, it must be very difficult to accept this new "you".

If I'm understanding correctly then the doctors are not sure of what is causing some of your pain? If so, I hope that is sorted out fast so that you can get treatments to make you more comfortable. If you and your partner are in a place where you aren't talking about your condition/s and it's becoming like "the elephant in the room" as that old saying goes, then it might be helpful to get some counselling for the two of you.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

Yes to ask of that. I still have my last pair of pointe shoes. My parents have the rest of them, and ask the costumes. It was just as well though. I turned out to be too short and too busy for any real big parts in any of the big shows.
I was only offered leasing dancer for the smaller roles. I had to be kept in my height range, and I had to have my busts taped down or wear a costume that covered them.
Why? Week, because bouncing boobs terms to distract the audience from a lot of the show, haha!
No, we don't know what is going on with my leg. There are a lot of "professional impressions" mainly consisting of lose joint syndrome paired with the valgus, osteoarthritis paired with the valgus or, my favorite, all three.
It has been a very long time since I last danced ballet, but I feel like my brain is a little broken. I used to breath, eat, watch, read and of course do ballet every day. That is every single day.
Now that huge chunk has been missing and out is hard to wrap my head around still. That and the lack of discipline now.
But I am feeling better today. Even though I was just told I have auto. My third this year! But that is really no surprise. I average around three a year.
Thank you for, well, showing you read my post. I want to feel listened to but it is hard to tell anyone face to face because this is very emotional for me. It is easier to express it via text.
Again thank you. Have a very nice day.
Oh, and please forgive any autocorrect words. Sometimes their hard to find and change.