Dear Dave
Pacing myself i do
I am not arguing the point
Just telling it like it is
My child has left dishes in the sink
For days on end
To handle dishes the way a person
would washing them is as painful as typing my
messages they hurt so badly they itch
The insides
Do you know what I mean
The mummified feeling
This what I am do is actually helping move them
It will take about a good two or three hours for them
to feel loosened up
My head will always feel like it sits on a toothpick
And the tears are beginning to flow
Oh sweet Jesus I am so sad
I make myself sick
My medicine in my system
My pain that I feel because I cannot take
anything for the nerve pain
this many forget
Much of the painis nerve related
My mechanical pain I know independent
from the nerve
Does this help with understanding what pain
I speak of
Only my depression is exasperated by the
PAIN
PAIN OF ALL KINDS ALL WRAPED UP IN A BUNDLE
a bundle
My hands to awake me again
My feet that shuff the floor as I go to void
Not to be able to naturally go
I have tried miralax Gerry no help
I know I do not have to explain the uncomfortable
feeling sometime I get nauseous
May not want to hear it but it is just another
thing to live with

Today I have an appointment for myself and daughter
Obgyn I am way over due
Only this time it's because I'm sick and tired of doctors
Today it's sunny
I unable to get up yet to go to the terrace
I want so badly not to want to feel like I do
I would rather be HOME with my Father
I am not that someone who has a special someone
I need human touch
I need conversation with that counter person
Such as taking Corissa to school and on my way home
Stop off and got a coolata I remember them days
And sparking up conversation with the regulars that came
in every morning
Oh Gerry I remember
And the blanking water works again
This is what I am speaking of
The crying out of control
My face has been swollen for two weeks
I can see my cheeks
I hate it
Thank God I'm not a makeup person
How my dear friends does depression become
the new me
Not holding on to it
As it has always present
I am a monster
This is what I became in these few weeks
All I have is sadness loneliness no job no friends
even though I knew it would end like it has
People just stay away
This place is where I come for human contact
I'm to sad to go on
Love
Me

Dear Eva,

I know the difference between nerve pain and mechanical pain. For the nerves I take Lidocaine Infusions, Ketamine and the Topiramate helps. For musculoskeletal, Tramadol, Morphine and Arcoxia - and I max out the allowed doses up to 4 times a day. I am lucky they work - somewhat, I am at 4-5 painwise after my meds. I have lived with that, so I CAN live with that.

The Topiramate is an anti-convulsant I take for my chronic Cluster Headaches. When I had to increase the dose this February I found my Neurological pain went down. I read they now treat extreme pain with Topiramate and other anti-convulsants. The side effects can be rough to start with, but maybe your Doctor could look into these meds for treatment?

Before I came to this Forum I had been left with no Social Life whatsoever. This Community has given me a Window on the World and has put me in touch with wonderful Friends like you. My personal situation means I am very happy with all this. You WILL find the strength to do those things you long to do. I sincerely believe this is just a terrible phase, which will ease and pass.

Dave.

Am leaning on you and others on this one

There has been disturbing news as my shrink calls
me and I get to find what matters most
I will explain when I have it in me
Maybe after I take a shower and turn in to retire
Gerry and others
Know I love this place and all involved
God bless each and every one of you
My special place
To myself I am true
Love
Me

Dear Eva,

We may all be battered and broken,
Body and Mind in turmoil.
But we have the Strength
Of a whole Community.
Nothing can diminish us,
Anything is achievable
Together.

Share with us when you are able.

Dave.

Eva,
I can't even imagine doing all the housework you are doing. I know you are a clean-a-hollic; but you may have to look the other way. Between the clothes your daughter won't wash and dishes won't do is terrible. Would be good if you could just leave your daughter's laundry pile up until she has nothing clean to wear. Same with dishes. You are not their housemaid.

You mention Miralax not working....FYI, with all the meds (especially narcotics) constipation is awful. I need to take 2 doses of Miralax daily. I take one around 8:30a.m. and the other after noon; otherwise I really back up something awful and painful with protruding colon. You just might have to up your Miralax since one is not working for you.

I am thankful for the Ambien CR which helps me to get at least 5 hours of painless sleep every night; otherwise the awful spine pain, along with the PN would make sleep almost impossible.

I have to go tomorrow early a.m. for fasting lab work. Next week have my PC (Endocrinologist) appointment as well as Pain Management doctor appointments. As all of us do; dread doctor appointments.

I, like you, look forward and so ready to go "home". For you tho, there is a need to stay here for Little Eva.

Hold on dear friend. The Eva I have been posting/talk with is not a quitter.


Gerry

my dear friend Gerry

i have no choice but to leave her clothes
the babies laundry can go every two weeks

thank you for understanding

my shrink calls me yesterday after i called
medicare having received an EOB telling my shrink
wasn't being paid for services rendered on certain days

i find out that my private insurance from my previous employer
wasn't void from the system
i was assumed to still have private insurance

so all taken care of
was instructed to contact any doctors i have seen
and to explain if the doctors were not paid to

posting so i do not loose this be right back to finish

resubmit bills after ten business days
he calls and says that i have been duped

i say why would the person who works for this non profit agency
not have my best interest at heart

he repeated and said
you've been duped
i don't know of the company
Care Point Advantage

it is a marriage to Medicare
but it know is primary
and my red white and blue card
is secondary

well bottom line issssssss
he is not happy with the payment
he receives for services rendered
and continues to go on and say
get ready

i can still dispense you alpratazam
generic form for xanax
for anxiety

i was floored to hear that first
as if its the meds is the issue at hand

then i tell him why is it ALL my other doctors
are working with CarePoint

the next thing he says
its has to be a Hudson County thing
insinuating
that Bergen County is for the rich

i then came back with well now
my oncologist not only has a office in Hudson County
he also has a office in your neck of the woods
and i have been seen by him in his neck of the woods
i was mortified

silence

so the next thing i tell him
none of what he was saying made sense

well it's all about payday
hes not happy

so all the time i spent with him
mean and meant nothing
i will have my pain doctor dispense the meds
and decided
not
not to do therapy again
i invested so much time with him
talked about the past and had hoped to heal
the little girl inside of me
i'm disgusted felt dirty
as if he never listened
does this hit home with anyone
i still am cold
also duped by him

i posted my myleogram
done a Hospital for Special Surgery
New York City
and a few other ones
that show the hemagoma that
is at my sweet spot
my forth emg report
today a crappy day
the babies mother made it difficult
love
me

Humidity thru the roof
Oh so horrible on this tethered
body
Bound not by choice
But because of the weather
The weather
I yet to sit in the sun
Go into the pool
Where I am weightless
To feel my spine open up as I go
further and further I walk in
The blanking weather dictates
90% of the time what this body will
suffer
Tired tired of the never ending pain
No not just something tiny like the everyday
headache I just live with
Controlled by caffeine
Doctor recommended it helps
keeping the throb dull
I need to get my license
as it has been lost and having to go to
the DMV is a project in itself
My pain specialist filled out the form
for a handicap logo
Several weeks have past
the script and application has a life
span of two months
So I have to get on the ball
Unable to make OBGYN appointment
Dr. was in delivery
A month for next appointment
Asked for them to send script
for sonogram for the hreast exam
Gloom and doom lives in this gut of my
My head telling me differently
I know better and I must shake it off
This depression exasperated by unwelcomed
situational problems
And I must pull myself up
And in the end
This day will too end
Love
Me

not to ever know why he killed himself
i was aware of the depression
i remember
my blanking shrink
all that time for what
trying to get out of this trap
a vicious cycle
never to see his grandchildren
he too suffered mental disease
addiction and most importantly
depression
a man who had me at the age of 29
no time did i see him as a amputee
and it be a accident on the job
this all in South Africa
in the city of Durban
in the end like the last few years left
in his life
he looked like a junkie
a well dressed junkie
from his job to the bars
to the week-end parties
playing cards from a Friday night to
Sunday
if it wasn't that it would be
fishing for the week-end
what was he feeling on his last days
i was told he dressed in his best suit
and left never to return
how can i not wonder if he too did not
understand "it"
i conscious of my depression
the changes in my body
just on a hormonal level
i may not have a period anymore
but this body is not over
i have a extreme fluxes going on
and it effects me in a huge way

what was on his mind
i will always wonder
even through his letter, note
whatever you want to call "it"
as i am going through "it"
myself
there this family
and i could be the only one

the depression must be lifted
it is so strong sometimes i
amazed at its hold and strength
and i am trying so hard not to dive
even deeper

wanting not to feel would be so much better
but i also know better

will keep coming
for i must
love
me

Yes Eva, keep coming. We will always be listening, understanding, hurting with you, supporting you.

Dave.

For anyone who is suffering depression
There is the word HOPE
As my morning began with a very positive
phone call
How I fell inside my gut is joy for a friend
who is trying to find his way back again
I can only be by his side as a spiritual friend
who we both know there is a power greater than us
My depression would be something I must not lean on
My depression does not want me to be productive
I can and I will slowly begin to be thankful rather than
wallow in my mess
I am a strong willed person
Now to get the body there is a different thing

Today I have my pain specialist appointment
I have come to the conclusion I will give taking
something I a scared to venture into again
But the pain is that great
I am speaking about addressing my nerve related problems

My hands and feet are out of control
The pain just overwhelming everything in my life
and those around me

Still have a good number of doctors to go to
Hating it
But I must as I have to stick around till my Father calls
me home
To thy own self be true