oh my god the seventies
never uneventful
those years
bitter sweet
this weekend was uneventful
until my granddaughters mother
began to start her crap with her sister
who is doing her very best being in her life
it is not a easy life for her
as her life started with a mother and father
that care only about living a corrupt life
and wonder why i cannot allow the contact between them
i just don't know what to do anymore
i am trying to make everyone happy
and it's just not happening
i i should not have to do it anymore
it doesn't matter

we got to see the fireworks
the baby in awe
she would shout
my heart just got scared
when they bang
priceless

went to the pool the one nice day
of the three
my sister came
it was a good day out
my first time out

been on zonagran for week nausea nausea nausea
this is only on 100 mg
do i notice any positive change
no
not yet
logging everything

go to OBGYN tomorrow way over due
as is mammo
a must for my child
and a chance to speak to him
about a new situation that proposed
itself
trying to find correct doctor for diagnosis
endocrinologist is my best guess with all my homework
strange with the internet
when one looks for informative material
and a doctor to go to is hard to find
weird
though i made a logical guess
and will be curious what obgyn will suggest

my hormones killing my mood
on top of my depression
of being depressed of situational problems

a sister advises a other to be successful if
she is going to cut herself to do it
right
get the picture
i am just
curplungket

no one gives a fart
not happy
i am making sure others are
happy
no one paying attention
my granddaughters mother is killing me
whatever is left
she takes away
me

Dear Eva,

Perhaps it is time to stop making everyone happy and just concentrate on helping yourself, and those deserving of you.

Take the memories of the baby at the fireworks show, and your day at the pool and cherish them. Those are the experiences you should be having all the time - as much as your body allows.

Give the Zonagran a chance to work, hopefully ramping up the dose will make it kick in.

As always, good luck with your appointment tomorrow. I will be with you in spirit, supporting you all the way. And luck with finding a Dr for this other issue.

Dave.

Thank you Dave
Hope all is better
As the day went on
My daughter was relentless
Calling off the hook threats
upon threats and I lock myself and
Eva in my room
Why
Why
Why
Father why
She needs help
I can't do it anymore
Dave
I can't kill myself
I have the messed up turd to live
And keep Eva happy
Go figure
She is always looking for me to smile
It's not her job
I am living a troubled life
Somewhere something went terribly wrong
A a price must be paid
Me

Dear Eva,

No, you cannot think about taking THAT option. Little Eva's smile is worth staying around for, and to watch her blossom and grow.

Difficult as it may be, if your daughter is making threats maybe it is time for a Restraining Order, or the Authorities to be involved to take the weight off your shoulders and calm the current situation.

You do have so much to feel positive about to balance the personal, physical negatives you have, it is unfair you have the outside influences of your own family causing you such harm. Cutting them out officially maybe a painful, but necessary step to make.

Whatever happens, we will always be here for you.

Dave.

Just hope it moves on quickly
Stopped the zonagran making me
violently sick
My stomach cramped so badly last night
I just couldn't anymore
Called the doctors office to let them know
Dave I will never take my life
As much as I feel my life isn't worth diddle squat
I will never do as my father did
It the living that's the hard part
Seems to be getting harder and harder
My hands and feet out of control
My neck behaving unusual
My lower back keeps me from
a walk in my home
Honestly
What the fudge for
I have no choice
I have no option
I will push forward
if I like it or not
To have been ready to go
to my obgyn with daughter
only to get a call as we are leaving
he is delivering two babies
Oh well no rush
Anyway
Just breathing
Thanks for caring
Me

Dear Eva,

Sorry to hear about the Zonegran, better to move on to something else than be sick like this.

As for your life meaning 'diddle squat', the measure of a life is the impact one has on those around her/him, and the deeds one does. In that respect, your life is measured by the truckload you mean so much to so many people here and there. You are not treated as you should be in the Real World, but none around you could function without you, could they?

As for the pain, I hear you! I have been suffering exponentially worse from my neck and back recently. The stress of the upcoming liver scan is not helping, added to that from my sister's operation.

So let us feel sorry for each other, and use those thoughts to pray the Depression lifts a little for us - just for a laugh and a baby's smile.

Dave.

Of course having you at my side means everything
As we can go through this turd together
I mean honestly
Sure I can force much to make
everyone's else's turd okay
as I deteriorate with everything I own
What part of I won't EVER BE ABLE WORK AGAIN
crap
Now I'm angry

Ill stop now
And support even in
Depression
Me

I have to second all that Dave wrote. Please get the help needed to do what you must to end these threats. It is sad; but you are not capable to handle your daughter.
Dear friend, I pray you will have the strength to do what you must.

Love & Prayers,
Gerry

this weekend alone with my grandchild
was smooth
yet her separation from my daughter Corissa was
hard on her
she has developed a sense of abandonment
something that really disturbs me
innocent to everything
yet she has to go through something
i hoped to spare her from
the babies mother is not stable yet
it is such a slow evil process and my grandchild
suffers what the adults throw her way

the last time Corissa took off
ran away damaged something i must work on
as i ONLY relate

Corissa's
i don't want to title him anything but
have a severe defensive protective instinctive
i is very difficult not to react and i don't
but explain to my child why her father is the way he is
about you
ignorant to the hilt
i feel for her so badly

while she was in Atlantic City
with his adopted child of the woman he is with
mother is vacationing in her home land
Dominic Republic
anyhow he has verbally knocked her down
for her sexual preference
and is not accepting of her
both 13 year old and a 56 year old
bashing her
i'm so angry
yet i had to concentrate on my child

i managed to put a sticky note in her
make-up bag
something i used to do for her everyday
for her from first grade to eighth
i would put a note in her lunch box
everyday she went to school

now everything i had hope for
as she was turning into a stunning
absolutely stunning young lady
as she was morphing into this stunning
young woman she is now was and still is challenging
as her male parent calling her fat
damaged her and her ego was shot
moving past that
it is starting again
saying Corissa is stupid for getting a tongue ring
at 17 is okay if earned
like do well as a young responsible citizen of this time
in life
not easy
and here is the trouble
he uses his wallet to buy her over
you read right
he is not interested in her well being
as i knew a long time ago
but i couldn't burst her hope
that there be something between them
it is all superficial and she has come see this
and is aware of what she will get from him
MONEY the root of all evil
and now i must explain the difference
of being smart
or become a superficial person

i have been on this roller coaster ride
and don't see an end to this quite yet
i have to undo what he says and does
and i'm tired of it
finally she admits to me
for example
she won't call in his presence
she is afraid he'll cut her off
when it comes to the only thing
they have going
MONEY
I'M SO SICK OF IT
my mother to date will speak to me
on the phone
and should her ex surprise her
by coming home earlier than expected
she will begin speaking to me as her friend
just not to let him know she was speaking to me

i text Corissa when down at AC with his stepchild
who is 13 and a couple husband and wife
i knew who they were

"Corissa you and i share the one only Father that matters
and that is God the Father"

i may have had a mother and a father
but by far were they ever that
my mother would turn her head away
when terrible things were happening

hence

i trusted no man around me
sadly including their father

dear Father
help me be gentle with my daughter
i do not ever want her to hate or resent me
i only want to protect her

she is stunning
he will not take that from her
she needs to see things on her own
and let me just say
when powerless over certain situations
is when i HAVE to turn it over and just
pray
all will be okay in the end
in Jesus name
love me

so much bottle up
don't want "it" anymore
i cannot stop in my day
and not say
"i don't want to be here"
to write this hurts to the core
granddaughters mother called 7:00 A.M.
did not answer the phone as she is in fighting mode
afraid of my own kid
asks to see the baby and forgetting
she just mentioned how she was drinking at a bar
seems as it is getting worse as time goes on
neither of them reliable or sober for that matter
and it be something i am still waiting for
praying that mommy go into re-hab
when dear god will this happen
situation is so bad to much to have to go through

i would have liked to have gone to the pool
for first my grandchild
and frankly Corissa is in a whole other world
this is what i have to swallow
i asked my daughter something i noticed
was happening
why wouldn't she call me while in her dads presence
answer
"i'm afraid he'll cut me off"
"cut you off from what"
i already knowing
hoping she would be honest
about the situation
"cut off if i ask him for any money
ie; to get my nails or eyebrows done"
i thanked her for being honest
however it wasn't okay
i explained
she should be able to
WITHOUT FEAR
and that child support is different than
the money she is asking for
and she does so without it being a reward
there is where i take issue
because she sees his other children are
given money in a haphazard way
where it hurt her today
not getting what's important
i am on her about getting her GED
i cannot give as i could have when i had mt
JOB gone
not understood by her
her dad who evades taxes
having a hardwood flooring business
never wanted any part of it as he
lied to the Judge about his income
and please understand $63.00 a week
after the Judge needed to place an order
based on what he was claiming
and judge ordered for his last two years of
returns be presented so she could amend
the amount
sadly for me it was never about money
i made the decision to raise her alone
been there did it with three children
i'll do it again
seventeen years later
we are where we are
in a very bad way
she is afraid to stand up to him
and will use me in her tries
as i told her i cannot provide
any let's just term it
EXTRAS
I AM SO SICK OF IT
and what she is attracted to

and then we have mother of Eva
who rarely gives financially

father was arrested again recently
for selling drugs

what the blank am i left with

my two eldest 34 and 32 between the both of them
owe me easy 8 grand

can i use that money
sure i still need to pay off the car

i haven't heard from them in a while
my dog with my eldest
either of these two children of mine
are willing to watch and supervise Christine
my daughter Eva's mom
who just accused me of her life is
the way it is
is because she needs a mother
this makes me very very sad

and for my older children not to be in Eva's life
as the last time i spoke to my eldest who was my
advocate was getting her friends children backpack ready for camp
she knows what those two children eat
and not her only niece
this makes me very very sad

there is so much i have to make up for what
Corissa and Eva have missed from not having the
people in their life that is "family"

and we are home
locked in
the weather is hot low humidity
a good time to be at the pool
Eva loves it
just not today
don't know what mother has up her sleeve
she has been threatening in the last couple of days

i am closer to the end
why does it have to be the way it is
i am so sick of it
ALL
ME