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A chance to give Eva fun
Spent the weekend down by my baby sis place
What a different feel when just minutes from the ocean Eva will be 7 in just a bit We me Eva Corissa has a really good time I got to relax Eva had two big surprises Both set up by baby sis A Disney on tour event She was in awe And dinner out She was so well behaved I was in awe Asked the waitress for whatever she needed She is growing up so quickly I however will admit Had a relaxing time I needed it so badly And what a difference it made Me |
The only thing I can do is just do
So much pain in all forms
My child has landeded herself in jail Will appear before the courts today I hope and pray this be enough for her to leave him Oh how cunning and manipulative he is She just could not control him pushing her buttons I have kept away and will not allow him near us So mush pain So much sorrow So sad And yet I must continue to do for this child I am contemplating adopting her I will wait just a bit and see what my child chooses Me |
Having pulled back
Doesn’t take away the pain
In fact it hurts more to do so How horrible my grandchild has no desire to speak with her mother or her horrific being of who we call the father My child stuck on him Not on the promises Heavenly Father gives It hurts the worry that she will off herself There isn’t a time that I can remember I haven’t had the fear Someone is going to succeed Not giving true submission a chance When will they see this I taught them all I am their example A hood one Why can’t they see this It ISNT EASY Just because I manage to make it through the day However hard it be It seems I make it look easy to them To have my children say I’m not as strong as you mom What are they taking about I’m not strong I just do do the right thing Terrible things happen That’s just it I went to my dermatologist yesterday Brought my file on my medical history Her nam Esther Took a look at me and said Eva you look so much better the last time I seen you Then looks at my history Say there is a lot of stuff going on I wonder to myself How am I suppose to look I don’t understand I wear a shirt I have that is 35 years old A pair of jeans Sanders that have a strap on the heal as I cannot wear flip flops any more Take a shower wash my hair put on some lipstick and I’m done How am I suppose to show my insides Is the outside suppose to match Until I can keep my body looking it’s best I will do so What does that mean If I let myself go to match what I’m going through I would have crumbled a long time ago My grandchild my daughter the two who live with me Need me as it gets harder Not easier Harder She is seven Had her since a infant The time just running on bye All I’m doing is just doing Praying every morning Heavenly Father give me the strength to push through this day with you holding my hand and never let me go In God I trust In Jesus I believe Amen |
How can one not be depressed
As this now another something
Not so easy As I asked And it isn’t a genetic let down One of the contributors is stress How this heart cannot handle anymore of it I will now be seeing a cardiologist And tow test that two separate doctors ordering Internal vaginal ultrasound as I began to bleed for 9 days and the vascular test Enough already Done Me |
Thoughts
Just the last three televised suicide
Has indeed triggered something What I don’t know But I understand their act As if it were the answer Knowing of course it is not an option Not in my case But I get them Robins death is still with me Never left The struggles of addiction not chump change Along with depression as we try so hard to mask it Put it at bay Not to deal with all the pain as there is just to much of it And one just doesn’t know where to shove it anymore If it’s not one thing it’s another What had become of us Isn’t anybody listening All those professionals Out for the buck There is just a small few who really give a s**t And we get up and put one foot in front of the other and just do And wait for that time to come Not a way to live But it’s the truth in this ones case Who will care As there is no care now Who will care It won’t matter there won’t be anymore pain of any kind All gone I watched him cook and travel all over the world His passion as it was mine And that was taken from me Take just like that My family I have aren’t listening They are loving their lives in a not very healthy manner They too suffer extreme depression But do nothing about it My father took his life Just like that Out a gun to his heart knew how to do it as he was a hunter I’m one shot All gone And the pain he suffered gone just like that Where are they all going Why are we suffering the mental pain along with addiction I am a recovering alcoholic over three decades Young I was when I new I had a problem It never went away Many tomes I think how much easier it would be to pick up a drink As it is my drug of choice And having to be a slave to these meds I’m on Hate it I so hate it all I wish I could feel the happiness I see some experience What happened to us Me |
In that terrible funk
Oh how depressing it is to have bad news come
As life around me just gets more difficult to handle I do what only I can And leave the rest to my Heavenly Father In every days prayers I ask for relief As I know he is taking care of me and the rest I worry and just yesterday my worst fear having the inability to get my grand baby from school Alone my car would not start after coming out of a facility on my way to get her My alarm to the car just wouldn’t work I’m a panic as my heart raced to run a long distance to my home and found a cab company on the way Having just enough strength to pull myself together and calling the school while rushing to get home for the back up alarm the cab stayed took me back to my car it was the alarm The doors opened without the alarm going off Yes I was able to open it but not without the alarm going off putting the key in the ignition would not start My worse fear came to light In the end all was okay The school principal said never worry She is in good hands Where was my family to help None to turn to in this town The cab was $6.00 I handed her a $20.00 Told her to keep the change She said |
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Back from hospital stay for a couple of days
Another diagnosis
arterial fribrillation Me |
Sorry to hear that you had to spend more time in the hospital. I hope you are doing better now that you are back home again.
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I haven’t had a chance to collect myself My child has taken flight with someone she met on social media It has always been a strain I have a difficult time with all that is happening It is not my nature to become dependent as I have pushed so much down it now is eating away at my body To have lost the ability to do all that I did to have lost the ability to work at 49 still haunts me Eva is the only person left for me to raise For the harder times are ahead And there is fear that my last child took flight as she did As a mother who made them first on all my decisions I failed myself Putting myself last was the only mistake I now pay the price I am baffled how easily one can not care Having to deal with all this pain both physically and more importantly mentally I try my hardest to hand it over 100% but the Moyer in me takes back.1% And it doesn’t work that way I must hand it completely over To have just been diagnosed with Raynaud and to learn number one cause be stress and two weeks later be laid up in the hospital and be diagnosed with atrial fibrillation is just like dying slowly I have but this lifetime hoping to get it right And I’m saddened by my own I’m so sorry I didn’t let myself be loved for fear my children would be hurt in some way And here I am 57 with a beautiful body that is so badly broken My spirit to follow My mind tells me what I gotta do but my body can’t follow Depression is stress like pancakes on a plate smothered in sweet syrup only to make it taste good But a killer Silent it is And I don’t even like pancakes Whatever happened to me I wonder How did I let myself into this mess I’m fighting for my life to take care of a child who’s parents are not doing well So here I lay praying that I get through another day with the Lords help and be careful and kinder to myself As it is what it is You concern so appreciated Be kind to you Me |
Nothing I can do
My body slowly rotting
Just so many things gone wrong I remember it like yesterday Thinking I had a stiff neck From that moment on the list of troubles are to many to handle I wake meditate take my meds put one aching foot in front of the other night comes and pray Not even in sleep can I not feel pain Just one moment by moment She is what give me purpose Having to get her ready for second grade A special little girl for certain she is in my life for a reason I am her everything I cannot believe how much time has passed since joining Wishing all the very best Me |
And the beat goes on
Having a body that continues to fail
Is very discouraging But it is what it is A doctor today And five more in the nest nine days It just never ends Then to tend to the everyday things in life that makes is go round Constant interruptions by parents who still are so ungrateful I have come to understand I must treat my children as if they were a drug How sad is that And with Heavenly Father holding my hand And the beat goes on Eva is a happy seven year old Her mother again disrupting her life And I must do what I’d rather not In Jesus I trust Oh how I just don’t want to feel Hoping all are well Me |
Eva,
In spite of everything; little Eva still is a happy 7 year old. Your trust in Jesus along with the Heavenly Father holding your hand will keep you and her in His care. Do you still have the picture of my painting of the Divine Mercy, which I emailed to you a few years ago, with the inscription "Jesus I Trust in You"? Gerry |
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Yes I do Thank you for it And thank you for remembering The few thing I can reflect on Never alone It is sad that so much pain has a hold on this tiny family How everything is not just minor They are very difficult problems And knowing I must pray that they find him sooner than later To have the worst fears come true would be terrible And my body has begun to reject all the stress of the worry loosing them Eva is a happy child I wonder having raised Corissa along with my older children from my marriage Will she too get to that point in life when she runs to me in frustration I have knowledge to offer nothing but precious knowledge May they use it and apply it as I only speak of experience I will always be mommy And to Eva that is what I have been to her Never to take that from her mother However my daughter still isn’t doing what she must and put ther father before Eva I have to make the decision of adopting her It is all so much to deal with Again my daughter has begun to act out on me And I turn the phone off I do not speak with her And Eva doesn’t want to pick up the phone and speak to her Orr the father But I leave the machine on so she could leave a message Thanks for your input Take care |
Ablation
Was at cardiologist
Told yo ho to the hospital Couldn’t Nobody to care for Eva Till I have my baby sister to care for her Will then and only then can I have it done I’m so sad how all is May I hold till I get to go to the hospital So done With this family Just so done So much to talk about Just to tired Me |
I reached out
To the only child capable to care for Eva while I have the procedure done
No response Blood isn’t thicker than water What she did say is in time her time She will take me and Eva from here She has no clue My baby sister will make arrangements to care for her She is doing so well I her everything Her bff on hold for now The day will come Oh how I pray all will be settled when that day will come Cannot stop my heart from doing what it’s doing It makes me feel so helpless on so many levels Slowly I rot Ever so slowly Yet I have hope That one day I won’t feel Me |
Just another day
Spent in the oncologist appointment
So sick and tired of all the doctors So many still ahead Tests Blood work So sick and tired My body rotting quicker than I’d like And still practice preventive health care Since the age 49 my life has changed forever Having to retire from the love of work and grown ups Not that my precious grandchild isn’t priority As it is My adult children more than less addicts And my granddaughter lives in fear that her parents want to take her A gifted child since born recognized in kindergarten High honors since her start in school I’m her everything Her bff Titti left for a girl w Failed spins surgery to Neuropathy Fibromyalgia Breast removal cancer estrogen driven Implants that are deflating Raynaud secondary finally the vascular dr has the answers to what’s going on with my hands and feet And finally atrial fibrillation And awaiting to schedule for a ablation as nothing seems to make my heart go back to NSR. (Normal sinus rhythm) 3D&C vaginal bleed my period stopped at 50 MTHFR dna mutation positive for teens variants ALL THIS SINC THE AGE 49 Never in a million years would I have imagined my children would be where they are in life and not do anything about it There have been many times I thought of picking up a drink lately but that would never be a option I worked to hard for my sobriety And even though I know how that first three drinks would numb this body it will never happen But for my children not to do what they must They are all doing it THEIR WAY We who live sober living knows what that means So I have to now treat my children like a drug or a drink Sad It make me very sad |
Eva,
It's a lot to deal with. Making even heavier is as you put it; "treating your children as or drug or a drink". They, as well as you, are in my daily prayers. You mentioned your breast cancer had been Estrogen driven. Are you on Taxmoxifen (premenopausal) or Arimidex (post menopausal) which are both to treat Estrogen driven meds to be taken daily as a preventative for recurrence of estrogen driven cancer? These are usually taken for 5 to 10 years. I have been on the Arimidex for the past 4 1/2 months. Dealing with many side effects; which deal with leg, feet pain and swelling, bone pain/joint pain, as well as fatigue and weakness and muscle pain which are just a few of the side effects. This can add to pain already dealing with; neuropathy, etc. You can take well deserved credit for little Eva doing so well. Gerry |
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Hoping this finds you well To answer your question about the estrogen drug I have been on tamoxifen since January 2012 and was taken off of it almost a year now because the now diagnosed Raynaud secondary I was on it faithfully for all that time Just was at the oncologist this past Friday Spoke about having the ablation and having the implant surgery My body is all over the place since stopping the tamoxifen The estrogen in my body is at work I on my teamage years never suffered acne Not do I now but every once in a while I’ll get a pimple on my face have one on my chin as I write you But a indication my body at work And yes I to suffered the same as you It is a poopy thing having neuropathy and or fibromyalgia The list goes on It’s so tiring Gerry I hold on to Christ Jesus and pray and thank him I know he didn’t bring me this far to fall Was stuck in some real downpours yesterday Having to take Eva to the dentist only to be referred to yet another dentist Her first experience was so traumatic and doctors I find have few if any compassion towards children who had been exposed to the brutish manner They are little people Why can’t grown ups see this What wrong with them My experience so far is like a assembly line of robots It sickens me And to explain this to her mom would just be horrible and she wouldn’t understand Anyhow you continue to take your meds as prescribed Same time everyday Be careful what you eat or drink for that matter Such as soy anything that promotes estrogen sugar a big time no no As the tamoxifen shuts down the overuse from feeding the body of this hormone I have come to learn that there is a abundance of us who have this type of cancer And have a gut feeling the foods we eat has much to do with our condition Hoping the plastic surgeon will fix them accordingly Left side has what is called a “double bubble” And the right is deflating Just my luck Thanks for your concern Corissa Weinstein’s me yesterday “Mommy are you okay” What was I going to write back but the truth Not a response yet I will do all I have to to keep this body going with the help from my baby sister Much love and prayers for you and yours Me |
Should edit my writing
Weinstein’s don’t know where that or how that got on
Another day Up so early just thinking of everything Hearing from Corissa and had words I would rather have not But we did I’ve been lied to and packed with it I must not depend on her return as it will not happen in the near future Her contacting me and in the context was just for self gratification And that pains my soul Having to let go and let Heavenly Father is what I must do As difficult as it is I must Letting go is oh so difficult But I know it’s the right thing to do Leaving it all in Heavenly Fathers hands Trusting him in all he has in the future for me and my granddaughter May I always remember to than him for all he provides us with Given exactly what I need in my day Sad and frightened I shouldn’t be I’m only human and have motherly worries This too I must leave behind Never did I ever imagine my children would not see the help that I need As I make it look so easy It isn’t And I will not beg like a dog for treats Speaking of animals I so mis my dog So miss him But life hasn’t gotten easier In fact I have come to understand I have gone through all I have just to give it away I am a messenger for Heavenly Father He did not bring me this far for it to end at my own hands May I never forget that It hurts Is sad But I must treat them all like a drink or drug Maybe one day it will be understood I pray my boy is doing well Looking forward to the next chapter in our lives together This will be the first year during holidays I will not spend with my children And I will move on with Eva But by the grace of Heavenly Father I so don’t want to feel anything Me |
Not a word
I get a call early yesterday morning as I take my Eva to school
Corissa text me she’s on her way to the hospital I’m hurting My neck she tells me I give her her all her insurance information Not a word Not from her or her so called girlfriend Distraught I am Going to the cardiologist today after taking Eva to school My heart just won’t stop The fluttering pounds at times It’s working so hard I can feel it Oh how frightened I am Will be seeing the surgeon So frightened Haven’t had any time to relax My mind just won’t stop Up at four this morning Couldn’t get back to sleep We shall see Alone I’ll be Me |
I loved the surgeon
He was impressed with my medical history I submitted to the office
With much appreciation and expressed how he wish more people would do as I did It helped him immensely So I will for now not endure a heart ablation Rather there is medication that works on the electrical charges of the heart Will keep me on Eliquis to prevent clots As my memory stinks I forget the name of the drug that deal with the electrical charges to get my heart back to NSR when I get it I will post it He will see me in a month if no problems should arise He was informative and I was very happy with his treatment Satisfied Me |
All in a day
Bad news on top of bad news n top of bad news
My cancer results are showin something is wrong with my pancreas My oncologist who I just seen two weeks ago Wants me to come in Doesn’t want to talk over the phone Not a good feeling about this Not at all Me |
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I wake and wonder
Is this how it’s all going to end
What has it all been for When you can’t see a end to it all Never a break or an answer to it all What’s happened to my life Where is my mother Why did it all happen like this What did I do Am I so bad Do I have to have to go through this because I’m bad It is much to take in Life what life I don’t have a life Nobody to hold me I have to take care of myself to take care of others I don’t want to feel anything anymore I don’t want to talk about anything anymore I just want to hide under a rock Me |
Cannot relax
My bloodwork for cancer returned with concerning findings
Where the oncologist office wants me in nothing over the phone My C19-9 high at 80.2 the range 0-37 My T3 low at 1.12 the range 1.49-2.60 My NRBC% high at 0.1 the range 0.00-0.00 My MCH high at 32.4 the range 27.0-31.0 In the mylogram test I had back around 2014 it showed I have what is called atherosclerosis calcification of my abdomen indicating scleroderma Then the cyst on my l5 spine active and growing the thyrogloss cyst in my throat also active two D&C within the last 5 years abnormal bleeding What could be going on What’s wrong with my pancreas All indications problems with the pancreas And I have for more days to hold on Not so easy Not with this woman trying to stay in check with early detection Me |
What else’s is there to say
Having to hold on when my mind is all over the place
Heavenly Father controls it all Yet this brain is all over the place alone Alone |
They are killing us slowly
There is the product I purchased at a local supermarket
It is biscotti almond cookies I took notice that the package had changed I then began to read the nutrition label Only to find out that the formula has changed not for the better but to kill people I purchased the product because it was extremely low in sugar and sodium and cancer loves sugar I called the company and spoke to a woman and had given her the readings of both labels and asked why the formula had changed not for the better but to kill us She was kind and gracious her name was Rose she put me on hold for a while came back and told me there wasn’t anyone available to explain to her why the change in the formula She took my name and number and assured me that someone would get back to me and explain why the change It sickens me how this country the FDA and how we all suffer from those who are making money and are slowly killing me along with my family and children I buy organic milk as I hope there are no hormones added to it as everything being fed to our cattle along with the GMO’s owes it is a sad world we live in Trying so hard to live preventative healthcare going to doctors and leaving with all elements that are slowly killing this body Sad I am so sad am I Me |
One more day
This feeling s***s
Big time Of all things This the most Never missed a day taking my tamoxifen Not a day Oh Heavenly Father So much at one time Just so much In your hands my you cradle me As I say to you Thank you for all you provide Hold me so tight I only feel your squeeze Remove the evil that lurks in my mind Please Please Please Me |
This sense of doom
If that could just leave
My mind is all over the place I had a colon test less than a year ago Clear Having racked my brain There is this problem I have had and was taken off the tamoxifen because if it That be unusual bleed But ruled it out having a pap this year cleared Then I have a cyst on my L5 Had an MRI back 1-20-14 Impression Osteomyelitis and or matastatic disease A Thyroglossal cyst in my neck all active So sad for this beautiful body All I could do for it Growing a mustache Have to bleach it every week Used to be once a month and trim above my upper lip Having had very short hair and it is so long now Can’t afford to get a cut every six weeks It all just s***s All of it I like how I look It’s become a job no joke A freaking job All I need is my lipstick But now the hair is in the way need to use a brush Nothing easy Nothing My daughter and husband will be with me today I so hope it’s nothing major Me |
Pet scan and another MRI
hoping it will all end soon
Getting so tired I just want to sleep Me |
Had such a long day I truly passed out
After tending to my grandchild
Bathing feeding homework Come 8:00 we went to sleep She’s in be by 7:00 We turned lights out And I was out Up early of course Having to start a new day Getting breakfast her lunch and so on Just wish this sense of doom would lift I just want to cut my hair But won’t Have to wait for clearance of pet and MRI He hopes for me to have it by next week I’m praying things will move quickly Send hello to all Prayed welcomed Me |
I keep you in my prayers.
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Flecainide
This just to add to the others
Will with prayer and hope bring my heart to normal sinus rhythm It works on the electrical charges of the heart Me |
It’s been a while
But the thought comes and goes
I hang in for what dear life I live to raise my grandchild As my body is failing me I came to the conclusion I am qualified on so many levels Why I wondered Then it dawned on me Am I being as I go through this life and all I have experienced so to give it away Am I Heavenly Fathers helper It is a lonely place to be I have my Heavenly Father my dignity my self respect I go through so much alone Having cry every single day in sadness aloneness You may wonder But she talks of Heavenly Father I do Even in the lonely life for me has to be for a reason I look at the world around me Being who I am Standing my ground Not getting involved with evilness Something that goes on like turning the light switch off to on And if your not part of that evilness your an outsider You don’t belong And that’s okay I’d rather be on this side of the fence So much pain so much sadness and the happiness short lived I give what I know away Just like my sobriety I say to myself how can this body go through so much I keep it to myself I am told I look awesome And I wonder to myself How am I supposed to look I hurts to wash my hair but I do The lipstick I’m never without I struggle to put on as the hairs above my lip is getting thicker as time goes on I must trim it so so my lipstick doesn’t get caught in it Why not wax it you may ask yourself Never did Never will I bleach it I shower Wash my hair I make myself smell good My granddaughter loves to smell me and use my perfume I mix myself I put myself in clean clothes I have come to learn I make things look easy and it’s not It hurts It hurts to put my foot down on the floor and stand Yet I put one foot in front of the other How am I supposed to look Disheveled Smelly Greasy Never Never Four children I have They think because I do I’m just fine Well there are days I’m not Days I hurt so badly mentally and physically Most importantly spiritually We all know what fine means But make no mistake even in the times I need help most it isn’t seen or understood and that’s makes me very sad Very sad as much as I too have to treat my children like a drink or drug hurts but I must So I put it off for another day And keep putting one foot in front of the other As that day will come Not at my hand I have much pain healing There is a little girl who still seeks a mother that still lives But her life is and always has been Regretting having us girls And not knowing her grandchildren or her great granddaughter It’s that little girl that’s been abandoned remembering at the age of two Heavenly Father knows all Right We are given promises should we believe I believe |
Not having a clue
Hard enough to beat the beast down and out every single morning
I speak of doom that comes to visit and wake me Even before I open my eyes to darkness it so early in the morning Heavenly Father I pray Please don’t let it consume me I don’t well it It’s evil and I rebuke it In you name I ask it be gone as I put my feet to the floor and get up to start the day Hoping to hear from oncologist office today that they cleared the PET SCAN AND MRI This having to wait as the system figures out if I need it or not is just the pits So till then I’m a basket case hiding it from the world Get up and do Do like nobody’s business No clue No clue Me |
Answers finally but not without screwups
Tomorrow will be cats can with contrast
First thing after dropping off Eva to school Monday will be the pet scan first thing after dropping Eva off 9:00 After that a MRI will be scheduled spefic kind my oncologist spoke with medical team with insurance company and told them it is necessary So glad to have a doctor to fight for me To get the answers that is riddled throughout this body It isn’t just one thing So frightened I am I don’t want to think about it yet I can’t help it My body talks to me I listen Listen very closely And I’m doing all I can to advocate for myself Not an easy thing to do Yet I’m pushing through And doctors are impressed How I put a history of my medical explanations since birth 22 pages you read right but factual It helped him understand what to look for and ask me questions My cardiac surgeon said how much it helped him on so many levels and wished more people did the same It pleased me to know I could help myself in such a way and not be helpless I won’t stop as frightened and scared I may get Depression is always with me Keeping me company I ask Heavenly Father hold me so tight that it be the only thing I can feel Please let my spirit be free of it Free to fly I just stinks fighting it all Me |
It couldn’t have been more botched ten it was
At the wrong facility
Not even in the system Finally get to where I needed to be And to late to start I just broke down and cried All flipped about this persons And situation Not a clue who they were dealing with And I went off Silence in the room Not s word as I went off Then the apologies Did not want to hear it Just give me the date and time I need to be here I said Monday is cat scan start the liquid Sunday night Tuesday the pet scan stat to drink excess water and fast Wednesday the plastic surgeon I came home and crashed after picking up Eva stopped for pizza and just crashed I’m so broken just so sad Me |
Making coffee with tears
Still in freeze mode
Nobody to hold only to ask Heavenly Father And I don’t mean only in a unwelcoming way I so want not to feel anything I am Squeeze me so tightly that it be the only thing I feel Where is everyone Where is the authenticity of the world I have just but to give I want the pain to stop Just stop Will that only be when I don’t exist on a physical plane I don’t want to feel anything anymore Happiness just doesn’t seem to exist And you may think to yourself but you have little Eva I do And happiness exudes from her She is growing so fast I can hardly believe my eyes She will be going through puberty soon What is wrong with me I ran around like a chicken without a head And my body aches like no tomorrow My back Hands feet my entire being just hurt so much It is raining terribly outside So hard the wind even harder I’m so broken hearted So sad and broken Me |
Deep darkness
Having zero contact with my youngest
Not a care in the world No where to be found Utter disregard and for what Used in everyway now when needed most not a word Nowhere near Sadness riddled throughout this body Pain and suffering I have been through and it doesn’t stop But for my child to disregard in the manner that she has hurts like heck To see my son saddens me even more He has to be kind to himself They are getting older and suffer in their own way Eva dear Eva What will it be like for her Today is the day all starts Hold me Heavenly Father Hold me so tight Let me not fall Hold me tightly Me |
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