today
 

today i have music on as i write
somethng i never did before

last week i contacted my oldest friend
Maureen
Yugoslavian
we pick up where we left off

today i called a lover who i also know
as long as Maureen
we went to grammar school and high school
together
he wanted to know what was the honor of the call

as he has no clue it
my last intimate time
with him or anyone
he has no clue
our last time together
I say this not to be vulgar in anyway

we were watching SNL
though we weren't intimate
on that night he kissed my right breast
kissed me good night let himself out
i had no clue of my lump yet
he has no clue how memorable
everytime i look at the beautiful
picture of myself and right breast
so i never would forget
brings back memories

when i called him and told him
about having them both removed
this man called me night before surgery

I'm glad I called
and he answered for if just
for one moment in time
he then called the next day
called to see how i was

that was a bit more than two years

glad i did

we have a long history just because of time
and it's been in bits and pieces through the years

divorced
a father of a son

as much as i don't want to feel

i'm glad i called

we will be together in the future
so he would like that
and yes
just because at a very tough time
as a woman
him knowing of my body
called
the man called
him alone

and he doesn't know
how it has affected me
in a very good way

i'm glad i called

and he will touch me
and bring me back in time

if just for another moment in time

he seemed happy
and i did too

this i would very much like to

FEEL

me

Dear Eva,
My Sister phoned me today. I told her about my Depressive Personality Disorder - the first person in the outside World I have confided in.
We talked about our childhoods, the lack of Love expressed.
We talked about the hole inside me.
She understood, and in understanding made me feel that bit lighter.

A good day for both of us.
I said there was someone Special waiting for you.
Keep playing your music.

Dave.

Eva,

That's great!! Yesterday's (2/16) post to you (thread: making a choice every day) I had written "I wish you love". Also, mentioned a friend, or neighbor, etc..
Glad you were met with memorable responses.


Gerry

My job
 

I did what I never imagined I could
and respond as I did
A comment remembered
"That's your job you are the mother"
REALLY
REALLY
It never stops
Until I shut them out
WHY
me

evening has come
 

and all i would like to
just sleep
i can't
i have to take care of Eva
she is so on top of what's
going on
no option

goodnight
me

to wake from my pain
 

and to be in a depressive state
just blows
i was thinking of my maternal
grandmother
i remember her only meeting
her twice as children nine and thirteen
taking vacation to go to Hungary

after having a intense conversation with my sixteen year old
it was she who who had me thinking of my grandmother
to describe her is sad
always in the kitchen
a separate house adjacent to the rest of the house
ya know country girl
dirt roads
chicken coups
and now as an adult
could see in her eyes the sadness
a very introverted understandably
as it was time of WW 2
and how the German soldiers
would barge into the home order
my grandmother to cook for them
and she did so the story goes
and my grandfather helpless
just had to watch and pour the drink
wine

an in remembering her
and my conversation
keep a mental picture
and began to wonder
was she troubled with
depression
it be my assessment
to try and understand
me

Inside out outside in
 

It shouldn't matter
I have been in a severe depressive state
My pain is growing in spreading
My hands feet
all in the 5/6-6/7 area
My neck my shoulders my body all be riddled
in one way or another
It takes so much energy from this brain
that is always a problem
Depressed like never before
Me

I did not want to share this, but above the numbness and parasthesia in my feet and legs, I have been getting needle-sharp, tortuous pains spreading up to my torso. It has been over a week, either side of my Infusion - nowhere else to go with meds. You are not alone!
New pains, increased pains, affect our Depression big time. On top of this you have your family and your poor dog. A slide in Mood is not surprising.
I will not tell you to cheer up, but you can try to look at the positives. Little Eva is your Light - use that. Your minor victory clearing your useless Insurance. Do as I do and watch Comedies on tv. They will not change Moods, but a laugh or chuckle can bring a little relief, no matter how fleeting.
I have never been one for making lists, I find them pointless, depressing exercises, but you write well - with feeling. Keep expressing yourself here and know your Friends are supporting you.

Dave.

Eva,
 

Unfortunately replaying all the sadness and looking back to bring to light what sorrows to a depth that can bring one's depression even deeper.

Dave has a point when he mentions what might lift his spirits us. For each, it is different; but I try not to let myself go into the dispairing thoughts; but thoughts that might be more uplifting. Dwelling in sorrow; only too often leads to more sorrow and depression.

Dearest Eva, I pray you can look at the good you have done and things that delight you; especially one who sings "You are my sunshine".


Gerry

Dear Gerry dear Dave

I have not said anything either
I feel a lump like mass under my
right arm pit
The glands just bellow my ears
where both upperers and lowers
are held together
It is swollen both sides
am I nervous
You bet
My cancer I found in the right breast
I don't talk about it
All I say is something is not right
To say stress has zero to do with
my failing health
If my hair could hurt it would
IT'S JUST ALL OVER

just had my shrink session
Wants to start me on Effexor
Please anybody on this medicine
Kindly share what and how it affected you
I have been put on several
The trouble is my cancer drug was changed
again back on the first one tamoxifen

Femera added to the pain in my hands and feet
To be known this be a side effect many complain
about painful hands
I had the stupid thaught my hands are useless
already how much worse can my hands feel
forget a scale of happy to sad faces
indescribable
So
When on Femera I now had to also get off of
Zoloft
Bad withdrawals
Even with careful proper weaning from it
Sweating in the sleep cycle
Must change clothes sometimes twice in the sleep hours
Everything I wear is cotton already
so i have had to walk away to do things
for Eva
Corissa is at her program
she is slooooooooooooooooowly getting it
i will be awaiting a call for a conference father should be there
we will see
we shall see
till then
i did all i could
i hate
utterly HATE how i feel
being impeccable with my words

for you both
Jesus bestow upon my wonderful
friends
who remind me of my "sunshine"
from my innocent grandchild
may you find Joy from her natural
giving of
Love
me

EVA,
HAVE YOU MADE YOUR APPOINTMENT WITH GYNY?? HE NEEDS TO CHECK LUMP. NOT SURE IF YOU STILL GET MAMOGRAMS; BUT AS YOU ALREADY KNOW, LUMPS DO NEED TO BE LOOKED INTO. PLEASE DO NOT WAIT.


Gerry

i haven't yet
it's hard to get around
with the snow
and parking being a difficult
thing to do
and i do not want my car towed
and it cost a fortune to use a cab
Gerry the hurt doesn't stop
it just doesn't stop
and when i tell my sister
she cries
please don't leave us
but in this woman life
it never comes without a
painful fight never
i would love to have my life
to be told
it isn't fair

yes i still get mammograms
that will be coming right behind
will be using my medicare red white and blue card
my mammo done in local hospital

i will gt on it
love me

Dear Eve,
I repeat Gerry, get these lumps checked. I waited 3 years out of fear and self-denial.
It is all the harder when this Blight messes with our meds, more when our heart messes with the Chemo that can be given.
I am only clear 17 months, every bleed, every itch, every 'wrong' feeling brings my mind to the worst. That is what your Doctor is for, to make sure this is nothing and to get you on the right meds. Do not torture your mind waiting.
You need to be well to brighten our days with talk of good times, of little Eva's development.
Much love,

Dave.

FOREVER EVER YOUNG
LOVE
me

EVA,
NOW THAT'S A GOOD ATTITUDE;
SEE THE GYNY ASAP. PLESssssseee,
YOU ALSO HAD ANOTHER ISSUE YOU NEEDED
TO ADRESSS WITH THE GYNY AS WELL.


Gerry

hurting
 

my heavy heart
loss of my job
just a huge part of my identity
robbed as a child
as a young adult
now as i entering my mid fifties
with a brain that feels thirty five
funky but true
sad because so much wasted time
as i doted over my children
raised them
to the best of my ability
and did a awesome job
they just don't like me
sad
me

Dear Eva,
Children are cruel and heartless like that. Of my Step Children, one is distant and uncaring, one is the nastiest, most selfish person to her Mother and myself, the third is sweet and caring. They were all brought up the same by both of us. Ignore the spite, they need you more than you need them - try turning your back on one of them once when they come, pleading.
As to your brain being 35, mine is 23 in some things. I crave humour, have it on all the time. It doesn't make me happy, just takes the edge off the darkness. Comedy is a pleasant noise to block out thoughts. Live in your younger brain.
Always remember, whatever happens there, you are loved and appreciated here.

Dave.

Eva,
Sometimes we don't realized the repetition of the past can really be a turn off to our children. After a while they just don't want to hear it or deal with it any longer.

My mother, whom I loved very much, just could not let go of the past and never let me forget what she went thru. I ached for the relationship we could have had. Sad. I have to be careful myself not to go there with my children.

Dave mentioned comedy or uplifting thoughts. This can be good for us as well as those around us.

Sending love & prayers,:hug:

Gerry

comfort when need most
 

dearest Dave
your beautiful
the words you put together for me is so on the money
i have very wonderful beautiful hearten people of such
overwhelming stories
those of us that suffer pain that brings me to those dark
places

it's one thing not to have a partner in life
but like yourself it hurts to be touched no more hugs
my granddaughter is the one that expresses empathy
in such a meaningful way

they have become cruel
but the cruel mouth off from my eldest
the one who had brain surgery and the ten years
of depression as we went through her epilepsy difficulties
my job to be there for her all my vacations days my personal sick days given to her over the ten years

her high school sweetheart exhibits early his lack of work desires
hanging on my daughters skirt and her SS benefits
they are living with the in laws apartment in his room as a kid
with my sick dog

i listened
i washed her body
i changed her bed sheets giving her three fitted hospital
sheets so she wouldn't sweat from the plastic hospital mattress
the nurses loved coming in the room it smelled so fresh 19 days
i slept in a chair

there were other hospital stays where if i weren't there
the two seizures while she was going to the bathroom
and because her seizures are all the same as far as the body
contorting her one leg would posture knee trying to reach chin
immediate fall

sure it was a job i had to help my child she was over the legal age but she wanted mommy
and mommy was there i made it happen
that you would have someone with you at all times

oh what did she blurt out after her last Skyline session
"it's your job you wanted to be a mother"
this is true

Dave you have managed to help me through a difficult day
it's her birthday
a tradition i started as they came into this world
i honored and would give them the recognition by calling them
each year the time they entered the world
today my child took that away from me
yes it was my decision not to pick up the phone
yet i'm told i shouldn't have had children

like i putting a note in their lunch box everyday
all through their lives they always had the comfort
of knowing i'll always be there

i need to be a little selfish
i am responsible for my happiness

and having words from loved ones here
is a good boost
a great boost

for your comforting words that wrap me
like that big flannel shirt my God wears

sending you a gentle :hug: and a :) day
for you and your life love

and to all a:grouphug:
me

Eva,
 

If possible, might be of help if you were able to let go of dwelling what most of us do as a matter of being a responsible parent without need to go back into all we have done for them.

It does not occur to me to look back on what I have done for my children; what I do often concentrate on tho is caring about their health, jobs, etc. What I have done for them just does not come up. I brought them into this world. The love and care for them is automatic.

Just afraid all this darkens the depression you are going thru causing it to become even deeper.

I only mention all this because I care about you and your family. Sometimes we need to do our best to control the dwelling on all that sorrows.


Gerry

Gerry
you are absolutely correct
it is not the in your face
and don't you ever forget it

this is at a time i could have been selfish
and she wanted me there
i did it with nothing in return
and still listen to her
what is brought up
are situations that have occurred
in their adult

i am not speaking of the necessary
responsibilities of preventative
health care that's a given


some will call it enabling
i definitely rather not have any
of what i am going through happen
and it is
i have to learn how to say NO
and not let them hurt me
my child in her mid thirties
and she NEEDS her eyes checked
along with that eye wear
and nothing in return is
there does come a time when
taking from me has stopped
my eldest asked for help purchasing
christmas gifts with the promise of them
her to pay it off monthly
four computer tablets and a previous
balance hers was paying monthly payments
and her reason
did not like being asked how could she have left a mess
as she did using my apartment as a venue for her to have
her poetry features happen
and the response was go blank yourself
and has no intention to pay the dell account
all hers left for me to pay
is the first for her
so no i don't like having to remind them of their obligations
this is all present happenings
undeserving of it all
me

Eva,
I am sorry you have allowed these purchases, etc. to take place. They are adults.

All you mention has nothing to do with what my post had intended. I should not have made an attempt at something I am not qualified to comment on.

Wishing you well.


Gerry

to a beautiful lady
 

you have been so kind and valuable
on your input
may i have misunderstood your message
i may not have explained myself to be
understood
as confusion is a huge part of the puzzle
trying to figure out
how there is no understanding
of the pain and sorrow my adult children
are adding to this sick person
i very much want to understand your message

please i am open to all that one has to offer
in suggestions
knowing in the end
i will do what i feel is most important

and you most certainly qualify

so happy to hear you can still be active
in cooking, laundry
and if memory serves me right
you love gardening and dabble
on an easel and paint
i want to try and dabble with pastels
and chalk along with Eva at my side on her
easel

Corissa is doing much better going to the program she has been
going to for six months now
no input from father when a once a month mandatory
session between the three of us and therapist to date zero

i make it my business to be available
for my granddaughter and daughter
these two are like SISTERS
it's beautiful

trying to get Corissa to study for the written
so she can get her permit
and i can be the licensed driver
as she takes me shopping to the doctors
and get the experience so i can count on her
and the car won't just sit in a parked position
she could do errands
she is apprehensive about driving
i expressed she would be doing herself
a disservice

i hope to hear from you again
you have been very instrumental
in my life
i would understand otherwise
because i care toooooooo much
love
me

Dearest Eva,
 

Eva,
I, myself, do not do well in explaining myself; sometimes better to leave certain areas alone.

Glad to learn of some of the upside of things; especially Corissa getting a permit to drive. When she gets her license, she will be most helpful for you to get around. Please let her know "I care very much about her". Somehow those few words spoken with her made a close connection between us.

Yes, I once loved painting. Self taught. I Have not painted in over ten years. The easel stands idle, along with the table full of paints. Wrists, hands, fingers, and the ability to stand with the painful spine, legs and burning feet do not allow for me to even attempt at painting. I often think about it though. I do have the painting of The Divine Mercy in my living room. I had sent a copy to you several years ago.

Am able to do very little gardening; but do manage to put some solar lighted items decorating the walk way. Also have a lighted wreath for each season on the front door.

It's just my husband and myself so spreading laundry over a few days works pretty well. Once enjoyed cooking. Now; it's the quickest and easiest to make meal. Luckily, my husband is not a fussy eater.

We all do the best to work with our handicaps learning new and different ways to accomplish the necessities.

The best advice I can give for both of us is to not dwell on the things that sadden us. Try to look for what can bring us some joy; whether movies, music and of course, loved ones.

Because I care,:hug:

Gerry

And so you do my friend
Blessed is what it is
Love
Me

can't escape "it"
 

i felt it coming on yesterday
the knot in my stomach
the lump in my throat
the feeling of doom taking over
my body and locks me in a state i loath
bottom line ALL the things i won't let go of
true FREEDOM is not in my future if i continue
to dwell
BUT WHAT IS NOT UNDERSTOOD
i do not want to FEEL like this anymore
no matter what ever "it" wants "it" wins
my sadness is the thing that is tearing me apart
i physically feel "it"
why does it want me
why can't i just hold on to the positive
and wait for a miracle
it not hurt anymore
and i not be a burden to my family
turns out to be a joke
no help offered anymore
as a way to be hurtful
only i will in the end do it myself
my son called with some comfort
he and i have so much healing to do
but he called out of the blue to see how i am
i did not want to start Effexor still on the fence
about it
i started it three weeks ago
on capsule am to graduate to two capsules
a day
i am reluctant to start the second one
i wish i never started
do not want to take it
so want to kick myself
as i read a post just by chance
i don't think so
anywho
just want it out until
my cancer meds are stopped
and that isn't anytime soon
am i nuts
i don't think so
i know me
me

Woke
 

Still in that mood
To have gotten up to go to bathroom
Cannot return to sleep
I must get the eyes checked also
Doctors doctors doctors

I must get the strength
And get with the program
The thought of laying on my back
I cringe already

Will have my daughter see him also
It is mandatory
She waits for mommy to arrange everything
The lessons you hope and pray they adopt
Still in that funk
Me

Eva,
Is there the possibility of you being able to go for even just a little walk outside?. When "it" tries to grab you and won't let go sometimes just getting your coat on and go out; even just for a very short time might break the cycle.

I had some pretty nasty issues with an "it" that would take hold. I finally learned to stop whatever I was doing; and leave the house to get outside for a little while. Not always; but sometimes it did help the "it" to go away and another chance to try to get back to the positive.
Wishing you well,

Gerry

Hi Gerry
I will try as the weather gets better
You take care
I pray you aren't near by any darkness
And the sun can shine for
You
Love
Me

Still has a hold
 

Oh dear Brother
Please strip me of this sadness
Hold me tight
Never let me go
I don't want to do it anymore
Drowning with my eyes open
Me

Dear Eva,
You may be fumbling
Through the darkness
But He is your Light.

You may feel like
You are drowning
But We are your Liferaft.

Dave.

dear Dave
hope you are doing well
thank you in humbled abundance
after today i just don't get it
the only time i am out is when
i go to my doctors
yesterday was just unbelievable
really
nobody hurt just the car
don't know where to shove it anymore
don't want to shove
don't want it
sure need that life raft
may we some day
be relieved of our pains
i believe in miracles
thank you friend
me

Nothing left
 

This depression has me locked up
all by myself
There is no one
No one
God why do I feel like this
Brother what must your pain
have been like
I'm so weak so embarrassed
So alone so sad all ending with pain
of every kind
Me

Eva,

I pray you will soon have someone to share your experiences, secrets, etc. with. This would be a "best friend". Is there someone in your building that you might like to share a cup of coffee with; possibly getting to know better?

So sorry you continue to endure this sadness and depression alone. Glad at least you have NT to know you are cared about very much.


Gerry

wondering
 

dear Gerry
it is here like in my fellowship
do i find the understanding of pain
not the emotional pain
but the everyday physical pain
the blindness blows me away
my mother oh how disappointing
my children how disappointing
and my granddaughter Will be returned to her
sober parent
i have nobody in this building other than those who want
my services
nosy bodies

it is important that i do have one who i can invite and have

it will take time
time
slipping away
i love you
i care about you


is it over
my life over
me

No No No ! Your LIFE is not over Dear Eva
 

Dearest Eva,

The causes are unjust,
The physical pain
Excruciating
The emotional pain
Intolerable.

But…

Family has need
Of You
We have love
For You
He has purpose
In Your Life.

Dave.

i am tortured by my family
my children
by my children
i am in argument with my seventeen year old daughter
who i have done nothing for but be there for her in eveyrway
why don't i have to live in a filthy house because she is just so lazy
no of the turd is mine
can't get anyone of them to shop for food
eat what's there

this one i not gong through it

none of the **** is mine
i live in my blanking room
i have no blanking life
they hate and hate
and now my daughter says
just leave me alone
just leave me alone i don't want to talk to
nobody
thats what this lady just was told
leave her alone

oh i sorry did not have hundreds to give her
just like her father did
my card meant crap
crap; crap
what the hell i i living for
what the hell
i did not do a blanking thing to this child to **** on me like such
in ant normal household
one tidies up after one self
not the case here
selfish
unbelievably selfish
if there were enough cold water left to drink
it wouldn't be shared
she would drink it all
there is no more tolerance
none of them like me
so what the hell
i have to be on constant alert
whats going to happen next

IT'S ME
THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION
IT'S ME
me

......

:( :hug:

apologizing
 

but what else
i'm sorry mommy
i didn't mean it
feeling badly for her
oh the words
and sounds echo
i love you mommy
how about like
do you like me
this is something
i hope to have earned
this just isn't okay
to be told
i love to argue with you mom
i'm lost
me