After expressing how it disturb me
that my eldest is sending out invatations for a family thanksgiving dinner A cop out Just a way out of not having to talk about what went wrong between us He also thought it be odd Maybe wedding invatations Another thing I wasn't there for Yup Not a part of that either She never even told me And I managed to shove that down somewhere deep Not forgotten when crap like this can go down between family blows my blanking mind And like Debi my children would too get the back of my hand if they are disrespectful I don't get it How does that give them the go ahead to the kind of behavior that is put on me Not the one who feeds you E V E R Y T H I N G and I do not mean on a material level I have no reason to hurt my children It does not enter this beings body to go out of my way to destroy this family I am calling management in this building on their crap Yesterday I went downstairs to get a flu shot I had just asked the office about my granddaughters mothers application to see if she was on the list What management did was say NOMORE APPLICATIONS what did my God do for me Just after asking for one for my daughter Christine and Eva a woman standing outside the office up against the wall was filling out an application It would be just awesome if she could live so close and not be a slave to the babies father When she comes home from rehab it is the only place she can go I did pull my weight and that's all I can do What went wrong between Sara and me With a prayer Will return with more to share Love Me Today I will continue where I left off So like my shrink told me yesterday Invatations to a wedding But for family gathering She is trying to make a point And I'm not to sure what that is Everything about her life since a little girl the mom who worked nights for more than ten years Full time five nights into the morning For THEM They are older and should be able to understand what I gave up for them And know they owe me zero in return This behavior Never would have imagined Still hitting me hard Love Me |
I have tried and I failed
There is no other way out of this hole
It was not even a crack up until I got sick Hate where I am in this situation For the past years I have done nothing but the right thing whenever possible My finances are leaving me with zero actually I am usually in a NEGITIVE twenty I have decided to file for bankruptcy Since becoming a SSD recipient I have been Paying my obligation off I have ALWAYS PRIDED MYSELF how I could use A credit card get all the savings offered and put it on the card because there would be a savings if you used it I WOULD THEN GET MY SAVINGS AND PAY THE WHOLE ORDER OFF SO NO MONIES WERE MADE TO THE CREDIT CARD BANK I also would double up on my payments Let's not forget my son owes me big time in finances Three thousand in cash and his purchase of a couch I eventually paid for once paid closed account So it isn't as if I don't know credit cards are not my thing My dad used to say "If you did not have hard earned monies to purchase what a person wanted They shouldn't buy anything at all I believe this to be true even today But I cannot do it any more I do not want to use credit cards anymore It does not serve me anymore it is now a burden To have to pay off old debts and the debts my children put on my cards with the promise to pay off their purchases they had no credit because they were not smart with them Well I am in a boat where I cannot put my entire SSD chech towards my obligation They are mine minus my children's outrageous purchases and sticking me with the bill My soninlaw did this One of the reasons estranged by my daughter now Four computer tablets on my Dell What a donkey *** I was I am compelled to care for my kids even when they need my financial help If I could I did Is anyone concerned No Does anybody care No Am I driving myself nuts YES I have got to stop being so angry and just file This too will cost me money for a bankruptcy lawyer My medical bills are just that bills I cannot pay And this be the land of the free I feel so ashamed All my entire life until I became ill NEVER A PROBLEM TAKING CARE OF MY OBLIGATIONS BECAUSE I AM RESPONSIBLE my son says to me "Mom, I will return the monies I owe you I can only do it in fifty dollar a month installment towards the thousands he owes as of the beginning of the new year It's a start In many ways He too filed and told me it is for the reasons like yourself mommy that you are the prime reason people file for bankruptcy And as consoling as that sounded It bothers me like you have no idea It irks me to no end I cannot do it anymore I FEEL like a failure And I have miserably It is so not me on so many levels Yet I see no way out My SSD is way under a grand After what is deducted left with seven hundred You read right My waitressing career did not do me any service to my SS retirement Though I was given a opportunity at a municipal job I would have retired from And may I say if I arlredy did its worth saying again I HAD A PRINCESS JOB when first coming on the job I read my contract Tried to get paid time and a half for holiday And a clothing allowance as I had a uniform on as soon as I started Well it turned out to have been possible wrong doings about my title After six weeks working at the precincts I was senior clerk NOT a CERTIFIED TELEPHONE OPERATOR stood my ground Was served dismissal paperwork All fabricated allegations I was able to prove Won Got my job back That's when Brian Stack our mayor and holds a special senetor seat where he introduces possible new law and change law So make no mistake I keep very close contact with him Even though I told him when this last April he told me he could not extend another six month leave with no pay Only to be told I cannot anymore I said thing is I know of situations similar to mine and I red flag Why us I was about to loose my life insurance from my job the chance to have medical benefits after ten years of service I had two years and two months to meet that milestone Just never had the chance Because when I became ill all else fell apart And I tried my damed hardest to pull us out of the now huge hole Guess I can do only what I can Need I say how terrible this makes me feel Another failing thing in my life How much more Father I dug this hole myself I feel so terrible on so many levels But I am left with zero Granted all the credit cards do not want to know about any of my personal woes It's all about paying up Does not my history count in something It is still in great stand But that is after leaving me with nothing Can't live like this Got to do something Something soon Me |
Aside my bed and I wait
It is early morning
Nausea pain depression came to visit very early today I cannot wait I won't start till 7:00 I know to take them the same time everyday But there are days I am like I feel now It come to early and if I start taking earlier or not on a schedule I will be is nausea mode most of the time and that truly blows I just got over a cold I think another one has gotten me I haven't had a cold I so long Makes me wonder how my system is lagging I am so frightened How I feel now just frightens me to no end I am lonely And thirsty for human contact What is happening to me What went wrong Why do I have to endure even more Can't it just go away Just like it came on Out of nowhere I wonder with the rigs idling all night in the bay Just feet from the door to the bay Diesel fuel and that black smoke Did breathing in that toxic fumes a them years do damage to my nervous system God I can't wait for 7:00 two minutes away Getting ready 5 tablets in the morning for a slew of problems Here goes I have returned Now just waiting for the wave of some much needed relief My hands and feet are giving out quicker than quick To get up is a struggle What happened to me dear Father How did this all happen so quickly This is why I fear the future It is inevitable this will get worse I just can't imagine Without my Meds I don't want to be alive No to want to leave my family But only myself I am a burden to my family They look at the only parent they had in their entire life My gracious granddaughter Has me belly laughing My little savior Her mom having a very difficult time Finding a place,her way, a job, a home It is so overwhelming I am sure I am doing all I can to help A break will come in Gods time Until then I have two who live home and am responsible for I love my children I wish they were a little more kinder and softer And maybe a phone call I extended myself with my eldest A big nothing This is my life and she has distanced herself and has no clue how badly things are the situation is progressing mad quick And I miss my dog He too is getting old I don't get her So i will leave it alone It saddens me I assure you Depression is my companion today A shower I will take Make myself acceptable And make the best of this day I will try and lift myself up to the best of my ability For today Lift my depression Father |
hi eva. i am so sorry you are having such a touch time and hope and pray that your pain will ease both physically and emotionally. i hope it helps to know you are not alone in your thoughts and that i am always here if you want a friend to talk to. soft hugs coming your way my friend.
|
Dearest Eva,
Holding you in my heart today and sending thoughts of healing and comfort. :hug: |
Now it's my sis
I have no one but myself
giving the benifit and hope the request was genuine in the end that I agreed to to a computer ON my plastic for college This was the latest request wrote auout it briefly not to long ago There are many horrible things going on Her husband A full blown alcoholic had a liver transplant And went right back to drinking and doping herion brought into my sisters life in the last 10 years They aren't living together Because of his out of control use My sister on line every morning at six in the morning and still used Was promised to pay off the computer my nephew George needed She calle Agreed it to be paid in two installments I am moving forward with bankruptcy To get my children's financial burden no longer be mine I want to pay off computer I do so Now what knocks the wind out of me This month would have been installment two and computer would have been paid But because she couldn't begin in October asked if November and December is the next Way promised Mind you the minimum payment went up forty more in addition with the purchase I had to cover you see my dilemma I put myself there Trusting her It was to be paid off in two installments I have to wait now till the end of December when she gets her bonus I blame noone but me She on the other hand accuses me of texting her in a mean manner I'm still waiting for anybody to show me where I may have been mean NOTHING asking her to "kindly call" twice Does this break my heart It most certainly does She accuses me if being mean A way to start an argument and may skip the promise she made Yup That kind of family BUT AGAIN I BLAME MYSELF PERIOD after this is behind me I think some of my fear will be lifted Looking at my financial history the lawyer will see Am so proud to say NEVER LATE ON MANY ACCOUNTS CLOSED Throughout my entire life I was able to show my seventeen year old My credit could not have been any better With this said The lawyer will see how responsible I am I just cannot do anything now My children because of me And now possibly my sister I hope not She said at the end of December Before Christmas I'm so angry at me And the fight we had Even though I was on the truth She didn't want to see that This at 6:00 in the morning via text Sick of it Me |
i am removed from her life
i just found out my eldest is in the hospital
kidney stones i am that much removed from her life it's always one of the golden rules when that be the case one of us is in the hospital we all know about "it" now just because i will not allow my daughters last performance speak for itself those who follow know what i speak of never did i ever think she would allow anything come between us that way but the truth of the matter i was wrong this i did not teach them for me to handle all that continue to be the cause of my "cup" runneth continuously this is not a case monkey see monkey do how dare i not know what and she have a case that i won't even write or verbalize you just don't do that to one who already went through a unnecessary unfortunate for him (my father who choose a permanent way out) suicide there are some words i just don't like saying suicide is like saying puss pimple just to name a couple what is she thinking i understand her coming into her own "Gloria Steinem" or "Jane Fonda" for that matter maybe not the best choices of women though i think you can picture her burning her bra i get it what does that have to do with a possible accident while her husband i want to punch his blanking lights out oh God i am so angry so much out of my control and not even in the context my child is reading me i know i am only in control of me even that is limited i believe in God Jesus Christ Mother Mary can you please hear me sometimes i just beg my father if it be the least he do while not on this earth please watch over my babies oh my dog my father and his companion our dog growing up i am sure they are united what is my daughter thinking why does it not run through my children i taught them to be happy love what you do do not hurt one another it seems to have gotten lost with no reason to return i am heartbroken me |
Dear Eva,
Reading your post bought me to tears. My heart aches for what you are going through. You are always in my prayers...:hug: |
Quote:
i just cannot believe how much tears comes from this body my heart is just broken to pieces it is an organ that actually hurts why does it hurt so much is it because i love them so hard if i only had a tiny bit of the concern my parents had for me who knows how things would have been different respite what is wrong with me i am worn to the bone it just hurt so hard i hope and pray all is well her husband i supported lives his life through my daughter has no life to talk of his own find him guilty on many levels but i believe this is exactly how he wants it and likes it hanging on i'm just slipping away me |
Dear Eva,
This latest behaviour is, again, inexcusable. I do not know how you can be left out like this and your sister should know better, seems like avoidance of responsibility to me. Do try to not slip away, you are needed there and here. Dave. |
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