Botched istnt the choice word
 

So I started a second batch of contrast
They insisting my pet scan not cat scan was yesterday
My son went in yesterday to pick up a second batch for me to start last night
When he returned tell me how rude Norma was to him
And how polite two other woman were
I will not be quite when I get to that office with my son today
It’s her job to be kind cordial and professional
She was none of the above
I am the type of person who will go out of my way to commended a supervisor of ones job
Especially when they may go above and beyond
But to be rude to my son who she only met for the first time yesterday
Nope not going to happe
Not after ALL the crap I went throughout all the doctors staff sexual abuse in a hospital rude flipped attitudes that are out there they have no clue who they just crossed
And I’m still in transit trying to find out what is going on with this body
Pet scan changed to November 5th same facility then mri
Plastic surgeon Wednesday
My granddaughter crying waking up for her bff
Not even a call to her
But my son will be here with his partner till Thursday
Do not have to go through this all alone
I am so upset at Corissa and that’s all I gave to say about that

So what’s wrong with this picture
 

After giving them all the medicines I’m on does and all medication I react to
I get ready woman tell me she read everything
Begins to put needle in for contrast
Not only blows a vein but proceeds to ask me if I’m on blood thinner of any kind
I did not say a word for what seemed forever
Then told her it was in information given
Apologies apologies apologies
I was just beside myself
And I’m accused of screwing up
Oh heck no
What the F IS wrong with people
How much more can I give to help you help not kill me
I so done done done
Still have pet scan on the 5th
Cardiologist surgeon back to back three days later plastic surgeon a week later oncologist same week
Really
And to be totally honest I really don’t think I’m going to make it much longer
I feel I will have a short life
It stinks
But that’s how my body feels
And I’m so tired of the doctors and the way I feel
So tired
Me

Having my boy over
 

The sadness in such magnitude
A brilliant man
Brilliant
Suffering
Depression
Bipolar and addiction
I just cry out
All of my family have mental disabilities
Disorders what ever you want to call it
Having time to talk to him alone
He too suffers the sense of doom
As he wake and the mind and body it becomes a physical entity
Invades the mind and body
DOOM
like the feeling this is it it’s never going to get any better
Ever
I tell him I so understand
The battles of not masking the depression
That could be so much easier
But so much to loose on every level
I cry talking to him
Finding him up crying a three in the morning
It’s is such a helpless feeling
Feelings
Just feelings that can take one out
I say to him
I wonder when I’m at that point
What was my father going through that he didn’t want to live anymore and blew himself away
Just like that
Gone at 47
I tell him if I go through what I do and it is so overwhelming
So overwhelming and I stick it out in a 24 hour day I pray my children can do the same
It isn’t easy it is the hardest thing to have to do and on top of that a body rotting along so quickly
I do not think I will live much longer than the norm
So much pain and suffering
All over this body
I can hardly hold on to the phone and write this the tingling doesn’t feel good it hurts
So with that said
Must get my angel ready for school
The one thing that give me utter absolute purpose
Ironic how she came into my care when I had my failed spine surgery
I stepped up
And no help to be had
All because I make it look so easy
If the could just feel what this body feels for 1 hour
Just one when at it’s worse
But
It is what it is
What will be will be
Me

The demons
 

Working overtime
Not a day
Not a single day goes by
Thinking will it ever get better
I keep to myself
Don’t let anyone step on me
It has taken a toll
I don’t want to give up
My mind tell me different
Devil working overtime
You would think the help would come from my children
What children I ask myself
Not that I will not puch myself
The point I push myself to breaking point
It has been what seems a long hard lonely life
Feelings
Just feelings
But consuming
Fighting it off has become a chore
Every single day
I look look real hard for the happiness
People so in a rush
Not like it was before the age of computers and social media
And person think that’s a life
Omg
When I was a kid I would have to finish many chores before going out and play
Ball
Go to the park
Manhunt with the children that lived nearby
The snow days were fun
There gone all gone
I just want to run away to the end of the earth and fall just drop
Oh the abyss
I can touch it
It’s right there
But I can’t
I just can’t
I have to take care of Eva who’s mother still gives me grief
It’s so lonely
All gone
Lonely

I fear
 

For my boy
Me

My baby sister becomes recipient of note
 

That were his last words to us before he took his life
A Hungarian wrote it phonetically

Dear family
I hope forgive what I did because I can’t take it anymore because nobody respects me as a father
Whatever problem came up I get blame for it
And your mother blames me for everything
So the best thing to stay away of your life for good
I hope you understand my situation and always love
Daddy

She wanted to trash it but my baby sister came across several of his personal paperwork including his citizenship paper with his picture on it

It’s been a long time since I spoke to her
My mother
The woman who never wanted us
Makes her now ex husband she lives with his family and grandchildren her family
Me and my two younger sisters were each told how we weren’t wanted
So many unanswered questions
So much sadness and pain to overcome
So sad

Trying to keep it off my mind
 

Had the pet scan done yesterday
Thursday I have three doctors appointments
Oncologist cardiologist pain specialist
I have my granddaughter home with a cold
She will be off on Thursday and I will have to take her with me
I will be with my granddaughter alone to receive the results
I have to do it
I have no choice
My family will be busy
So be it
Suck it up Eva
You have no choice
Suck it up
My body feels like it was beaten up badly
Hurt I am
From my head to my feet down to my fingers tips
Don’t know why
But I’m in pain
Oh how much I would love to have a massage
Just the thought
It would be like heaven
In my dreams
So till Thursday
Me

And today we go
 

Three not just one but three doctors appointments
And anxious I am anxious
Words they sure can cut like a knife
My eldest had some choice words for me
Oh how she remembers things
Yet when I asked her what were the words spoken when I gifted her with a three piece beautiful necklace piece a gesture of her help when I was working nights
and she over see n my youngest daughter
How it mattered that she remembered all she remembers is don’t ever sell it
How sad was I
And I refuse to remind her
No I will not be at the table this Thanksgiving holiday
Why sit at a table where I’m not even liked
How quickly the past be forgotten
How hard I worked for my family
While making all the sacrifices I made
Not to mention not bringing anybody into my life and they all have either a husband or a partner of their own
Left to raise this precious child who is my granddaughter
How her truth is remembered
That’s fine I’ll won’t take it away from her
Sad I am
The words I spoke as I put the gift around her neck was this be a token of my gratitude for the help you gave watching Corissa as I went to work this work I did was midnight till the morning and when I came home I took over and began getting my childs breakfast ready and lunch for school
She only watched her as she slept
Forgetting meeting her now husband
He lived with us for years
Years where his mother stopped cooking for him
Oh how she forgot how it really was
Hurt is far beyond the words of pain I have in my heart
Not my truth but the fact of the matter
No I will not be at the table
Let me fade-away
Let the emptiness I am dealing with be a reminder I once lived in their life
All for what
To be alone in it all
The excuses made to explain it all away
Alone I am
Sad it is
We will be in each other’s company as I get my news
And it be the last time
Me

Happy to report
 

I am clear of any cancer in pancreas
Clear nodes in my body some calcification in abdomen something I already knew
To find my heart is enlarged
The flacanide is working having seen the cardio surgeon
Will be on it for the rest of my life with elequis a blood thinner
Pain specialist just printed out the scripts to keep the pain away from botched cervical fusion and a lower back I will not let anyone touch fear in all that has gone wrong
I will now address the balloons in my chest as the right one has begun to deflate and is scratching the back wall of my innards and the left a double bubble
So all is well
I am happy to hear the news
Having that worry taken away
And only Heavenly Father to bring me home
I can care for Eva without the worry of dealing with the c word
Hope
Hope
Let my family see the hope
Me

Oh my God not
 

Even a chance to breath
A call from my daughter
My addict daughter who is in a situation where it is mandatory for her to stay sober so she doesn’t go to jail the child I am caring for so she can get her life together
TELLS ME SHE IS PREGNANT
and THEY were planning to have more babies
It is persons like my daughter and where she is in her life that has no business having a any more children
When I asked
HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN
she tells me THEY were planning to have more children
This from a man who calls me and tells me how he will chop her up into pieces and put her into suitcases and dosent care if he goes to jail
This can’t be happening
I am numb
Jus ****inf numb
While I have Eva in my care she gets pregnant to replace this child
I can’t grasp this just can’t

Oh, oh, oh ---- that is awful. I wish there were something I could say to make sense of this. I keep you in my prayers.

Off the hook
 

To be harassed in such a manner is more than I can stand
To keep a smile in my face while my youngest is torn to pieces remembering the day she walked out of the bathroom so high and Eva was just weeks old
To come up and visit is something she will never forget
Now this she is so distraught over the fact she is so unwell
There is nothing nothing I can do
There will come a time I will have to step in what will happen then
OMG what will happen then
To numb in this all teying sohard to keep it together
I just want to shake her
Numb I am
Me

Following through
 

Let them go I tell myself
Why am I stressing what has no meaning
The idea that they haven’t had a clue to this all
I me this woman calls it like it is
As I let it all out from the horses mouth no hidden crap just like it is
I me this woman will live with it
Hold it and kick it to the curbed
Let the clean sweep do with it whatever it does
I am so so done with them and not waiting for the emptiness to come
It’s over see you never
You have destroyed me
And I won’t let you all do it anymore
So the bulling stops now
Now
No more
Now and always to protect this child
Dear Father hold us in your loving arms let
NOBODY PENETRATE YOUR POWER SHE HOLD ME TIGHTLY
AND I HOLD YOU
ME

For the first time
 

I will not be at the table
All traditions gone
Out the window
I will not take out the ornaments
Each one has a meaning to it
In the box they will remain only to be opened when I’m long gone
It just to painful for ME to even touch them
One by one to remember as it was made given
Ever year a new one put on the tree to be found
I will not
WILL NOT
be at the head of the table
Let them all see there is someone missing
They may not even notice
Wouldn’t that be sad
I will be with my baby sister
Eva myself and my baby sister
I am so saddened by this all
I don’t want to feel anything anymore
It drains me so much
Having to keep a smile on for this child
She is fully aware of my heart and emotions
Empathy she has
Not her job
It’s bad enough I tackle depression
Doom that visits me every single morning
Having to fight it with all I can
Not easy
Heavenly Father I call upon
I ask for him to hold me so tight that it be the only thing I feel
I pray for it to leave my being
Difficult from time to time but I gotta do it daily
Sadness a horrible emotion

Wishing all a happy holiday
Holding on
Me

To the police station I went
 

I am tired of the constant harassment
Taken to far
Then to cus at me
Over child support
His explanation
I forgot
But doesn’t forget his cigarettes
Or hair cut before taking care of her
So let it all be on record
Something I had always wanted
But with all that’s going on with this body
Taking care of myself
Now we take card of this
He already body shamed her
Calling her the most boring kid in the world
A fight ensued you would think the other grandmother would remove her from it
Instead she hears him yell out at my daughter
You need to die
Done in everyway
And my child chooses him
I’m beyond beyond
So things are or will be taken care of
Just another day
Me

No call
 

Wasn’t thought of enough to call
Spent it with my baby sister three days
My youngest called
Was in her own world
Not enough time for anybody but herself
What happened to my family
I don’t get it
If I wasn’t a role model of being independent
And loving oneself
I failed
Me

Calling off the hook from facility
 

My baby sister called as she calls her too to get to me
Asking the facility to have her stop
I called my granddaughters lawyer for advisement
Tomorrow I will go to the court and file a report
And then to the child support department to take action
As this is month two no support
My two sisters have been helping
This is so outrageous
But am forced to do what I must
It just never stops
And I am so depressed over the crap
It must stop
Eva is doing sooooo well in school at home
Just leave us alone
Why is not a question to ask mentally ill parents
They want each other’s insanity
And want to make more babies
I was floored when she called me to tell me she is pregnant
And then it be false
I’m so tired of this all
Me

Did it
 

Filey report
She put it together
Worded it perfectly with the little time and space
I was in awe how to the point and how much was said
So I pray all will go accordingly
May the arms of Heavenly Father hold me ever so tight
That it be the only thing I feel
I will not ever ever reach out to my children ever
For them to forget how all really was
They are not babies
Manipulating they are
I go back in Tim and think of what I sacrificed
All for them and for what
I feel at time I have failed them
Just feelings not the fact of the matters
My body may be broken in everyway
But my mind doesn’t play tricks
May my granddaughter live happy in my care
So does so well in school
I am in love with her
She is a awesome kid of child
May I always be able to keep that going in her life
I pray that depression doesn’t visit me first thing when I stir
Me

Having to get away
 

How sad to have to leave the comforts of my own home
Not to be bothered or harassed is just not okay
But if this is the only way towards peace so be it
Will be spending Christmas with my baby sister
Mother and father did not follow through and mail their child support
But used my sister as their delivery system
Little did my baby sister know not to do their job
But whe the court date January 8th will just be one more thing to show how laxed they are to her needs
How or why my daughter thinks being involved with a man who has no problem calling me and voicing his sinister ways and tell me how he will cut her up put her in suitcases and doesn’t care if he goes to jail
This the father of my granddaughter
And she makes excuses for him
Blames herself is so sad
A horrible human being he is still to this day
I cannot condone this behavior and I never will
In today’s world not far from my fathers time in 1980 when he took a gun and killed himself
I thank Heavenly Father that he didn’t kill us first
It is close to my life as I lived it
To say he isn’t capable of doing such a desire to void of my child is foolish for anyone to think not
And she tries and tries to ram him down my throat
For my granddaughter to remember her father express in one of their arguments while the other grandmother who was supposed to be supervising them did not remove my grandchild and these are the words that are burned into her brain
Your mother needs to die
Imagine her coming back home to me in fear
A child’s father who tells her she is the most boarding child in the world
That daddy scares the kids in the park
That daddy pushes his mother physically to harm her
To call my granddaughter a lier
To teach her to lie
To tell her she has a big nose
And would ask me occasionally looking in the mirror
“Mimma do I have a big nose”
Already body shaming her
And I will do everything in my power to protect her
She says she doesn’t want to talk to them because they argue when she is on the phone
So I will not force her
And now they accuse me of brain washing her
My daughter forgets so much
The last time I attempted to bring mother and daughter together
I suggested we meet once a week at a diner in public
Her response
I’m not ready I’m not ready
That be the last of it and things just got worse
Because I of all needed to get a call saying she is pregnant
Still to this day don’t know if she is or not
But why tell me don’t worry you’ll live this baby like you live who is in my care already
To think she would bed with a horrible being just baffles me
As sick as this may sound
My other children tell me they will not have children
Relieved I am
To bring children into this world is not a place for them
When I have a grown parent who tells me at a Christmas play show me who you son is so I can beat the s**t out of him
To that I said
I see what kind of human you are pick on children
I was floored
I got to school early to sit at the back wall to be out of the way for people who I don’t walk fast enough for them
A kind man who sat next to me came to my defense
This coming from a parent
I wasn’t about to make a scene and called the principal and officer over a quickly took care of business
Sick of this cruel world and the parents who are the teachers to their children
Oh how Christ Jesus is missing in their hearts

To step away from my babies and not allow them to hurt me anymore IS the hardest thing I ever had to do

It depresses me terribly
But I be held by the most high
Jesus
Hold me so tight that it be the only thing I feel
Amen

Having a really difficult time
 

Went to superior court
Full circle
Like when I got divorced
And was seeking a restraining order
Never worked then
But to stand before a hearing officer with evidence
Not recent enough for them
But oh did it show all and what I was dealing with
Restraining order not granted
Ask if I wanted to go before a judge
Said yes
I felt like a fool
Told yo get a lawyer
Doing the right thing just doesn’t seem to matter
Contacted the guardian lawyer Magen for my granddaughter
Told me not to worry
I went down there to find out my daughter and the father who just for an example tell my grandchild
“ you the most boring kid in the world”
That’s just a taste
The last thing my granddaughter remembered was a altercation and he told her
“I hope your mother dies”
So he got wiser over these years
I did too
But because I just turned the answering machine off
And told him if they came to the house I would call the cops
Is where the lapse in time
But the court did not want to hear that
I was mortified
Beside myself
Was victimized over and over and over
So they are bringing me to court
My son 35 a heroin addict asked if he could stay here
I told him no
Wrote a letter on behalf of my daughter the I was lying when I told the court he would get into a altercation with my daughter call me tell me how he will chop her up into pieces put her in suitcases and doesn’t care if he went to jail
Write I made that up
Beside myself
What’s wrong with them
I don’t know and I have given up on any relationship with them
I have a incident report dats back 2007 when I was still working nights saying how he will come to my job kill me first then kill my daughter
This didn’t matter to the courts
So beside myself
But I will get a lawyer
And do all I must for my granddaughter and myself
Done

Holding on
 

With everything that is going on
Help me Jesus I ask
To have turned away from my family
The most difficult thing I ever had to do
And take care of my granddaughter and myself
May Heavenly Father hold me tightly while I stand before the judge for my grandchild
So tired of it all
Me

Not to let emotions
 

Get the better of me
Keep me above water
Hold my right hand as I hold my granddaughter hand
I will never give up or give in
I have but one who knows my everything
That Heavenly Father rules
I am given exactly what Heavenly Father my needs
There is so much going on
Never did I think it would be as it is
Yet it is
And I don’t have to go to the the negative
I will follow
I will speak his name
I pray with my granddaughter for those who do not have Jesus in their heart
This world has stopped believing
Nobody can deny that there was a man who walked this earth
And his name is
Jesus Christ
Crucified and died for the sins of the world
In Jesus I trust
May I never forget
And may I give it away
I am saddened by my children who have not a clue who rules
I did all I could and will not do anymore
If unconditional love is not in their heart but evilness and to hurt
I want no part of it
And the mother in me is what died

This is what I have to let go of
This is what I must let go of
I look forward to going home
When he calls for me
I still have work to do
And a child to raise with the love of God
Amen

Judges
 

Who think they know better
When they don’t
In fact to understand is to listen to all the facts
Not just selective
And because one is curious
I’ve been a child of being victimized by my parents
Both

Was sexually abused by my father while my mother turned her head

A father who committed suicide

A mother who told all three of her children thy were never wanted

I am no
Am not my mother

If anything I over protected
Never let a man come into my home and to ever come between me and my children
I sacrificed much of myself for my children
They owe me nothing
Appreciation would be nice
Understand even better
No I’m not my mother

I’m fact I wish I had a mother like me for myself

And I have to now go through crap
Having a ungrateful daughter who did not put her daughter first
Who doesn’t even know twice she wold have been taken from her

She is has A’s across the board
Happy
Has the love of Jesus in her heart
She is old enough to express herself
And she did to her doctor
And DYFS workers over and over

And the judge is curious

What’s wrong with people
He wasn’t interested in anything I had to show how the fathers behavior is like
And the choice my daughter makes to be with him
Would not grant me order of protection

I’ve been through this already with my ex husband
And calling the police
The response then was
“We can’t do anything till he gets there”

I am disgusted by and with them all
Not one of them involved in my grandchild’s life
Self absorbed in their nasty behavior they all have fallen into
And I can’t look at them anymore
They hurt robbed and abused me enough

Enough already

Me

Sadness
 

My heart just wants to give up
Not looking forward to an ablation
Fear of all the failed surgeries
Just to much to swallow
Having to decrease the flacainide that keeps my heart beating NAR the max 300mg causing side affects
Adema a no no to the heart
Thing is all that has go wrong with this heart is a direct result of stress
It all caught up and nothing seems to get it to beat in NSR
I have let go of my family
My youngest here home to help
My granddaughter fears what her parents are forcing her to do
She has no interest to be in their company
And they just don’t care what her feelings are about and how they got to where they are
She is eight
A mind of her own
Back a forth to court
Next date the 28
So looking forward to saying what I need to say
I trust nobody not the judge or council
As I am a child who knows what it’s like to be forced into something that I will never forget
A father who sexually abused me and my middle sister
A mother who knew and looked the other way
She forced us on him
He killed himself as I’m sure he knew I was ready to confront him
A mother who told us all we weren’t wanted
Beat up by him like I was a boy
My marriage all for the wrong reasons
Smart enough to get out young
Dedicated my life to my children who are nowhere to be found
Wouldn’t want them around me
Do not like who they are today
But I can look in the mirror and am good with what kind of mother I was to them
They still cannot see the sacrifices I made
That’s okay
The day will come
For now I have one more to raise
A honor student every marking period
Well rounded
Happy
Yet a mother who puts her man before her child
That was never something I did
In fact I wish I let myself be loved
There were a few who were worthy
But put my children first
So sad to have gotten this far in life and my body failing me
I keep Heavenly Father close as I can
Eva loves to pray with me
She too prays for a miracle
That her Mimma be healed
A loving child
And I fell in love with her and will always fight for her happiness
Lots going on
One day at a time
Me
To add
Nursing sister fresh full right knee replacement
Left to be done next