After expressing how it disturb me
that my eldest is sending out invatations
for a family thanksgiving dinner
A cop out
Just a way out of not having to talk about what
went wrong between us
He also thought it be odd
Maybe wedding invatations
Another thing I wasn't there for
Yup
Not a part of that either
She never even told me
And I managed to shove that down
somewhere deep
Not forgotten
when crap like this can go down between family
blows my blanking mind
And like Debi my children would too get the back of my
hand if they are disrespectful
I don't get it
How does that give them the go ahead to
the kind of behavior that is put on me
Not the one who feeds you E V E R Y T H I N G
and I do not mean on a material level
I have no reason to hurt my children
It does not enter this beings body to go out of
my way to destroy this family

I am calling management in this building on their crap
Yesterday I went downstairs to get a flu shot
I had just asked the office about my granddaughters
mothers application to see if she was on the list
What management did was say NOMORE APPLICATIONS
what did my God do for me
Just after asking for one for my daughter Christine and Eva
a woman standing outside the office
up against the wall was filling out an application
It would be just awesome if she could live so close and not be
a slave to the babies father
When she comes home from rehab it is the only place she can go
I did pull my weight and that's all I can do

What went wrong between Sara and me

With a prayer
Will return with more to share
Love
Me

Today I will continue where I left off
So like my shrink told me yesterday
Invatations to a wedding
But for family gathering
She is trying to make a point
And I'm not to sure what that is
Everything about her life since a little girl
the mom who worked nights for more than ten years
Full time five nights into the morning
For THEM
They are older and should be able to
understand what I gave up
for them
And know they owe me zero in return
This behavior
Never would have imagined
Still hitting me hard
Love
Me

There is no other way out of this hole
It was not even a crack up until I got sick
Hate where I am in this situation
For the past years I have done nothing but the right thing
whenever possible
My finances are leaving me with zero
actually I am usually in a NEGITIVE twenty
I have decided to file for bankruptcy
Since becoming a SSD recipient I have been
Paying my obligation off
I have ALWAYS PRIDED MYSELF how I could use
A credit card get all the savings offered and put it on the card
because there would be a savings if you used it
I WOULD THEN GET MY SAVINGS AND PAY THE WHOLE ORDER
OFF SO NO MONIES WERE MADE TO THE CREDIT CARD BANK
I also would double up on my payments
Let's not forget my son owes me big time in finances
Three thousand in cash and his purchase of a couch I
eventually paid for once paid closed account
So it isn't as if I don't know credit cards are not my thing
My dad used to say
"If you did not have hard earned monies to purchase what
a person wanted
They shouldn't buy anything at all
I believe this to be true even today
But I cannot do it any more
I do not want to use credit cards anymore
It does not serve me anymore it is now a burden
To have to pay off old debts and the debts my children
put on my cards with the promise to pay off their purchases
they had no credit because they were not smart with them
Well I am in a boat where I cannot put my entire SSD chech
towards my obligation
They are mine minus my children's outrageous purchases
and sticking me with the bill
My soninlaw did this
One of the reasons estranged by my daughter
now
Four computer tablets on my Dell
What a donkey *** I was
I am compelled to care for my kids
even when they need my financial help
If I could I did

Is anyone concerned
No
Does anybody care
No
Am I driving myself nuts
YES
I have got to stop being so angry
and just file
This too will cost me money for a bankruptcy lawyer
My medical bills are just that bills I cannot pay
And this be the land of the free
I feel so ashamed
All my entire life until I became ill
NEVER A PROBLEM TAKING CARE OF MY OBLIGATIONS
BECAUSE I AM RESPONSIBLE
my son says to me
"Mom, I will return the monies I owe you I can only do it in
fifty dollar a month installment towards the thousands he owes
as of the beginning of the new year
It's a start
In many ways
He too filed and told me it is for the reasons like yourself mommy
that you are the prime reason people file for bankruptcy
And as consoling as that sounded
It bothers me like you have no idea
It irks me to no end I cannot do it anymore
I FEEL like a failure
And I have miserably
It is so not me on so many levels
Yet I see no way out
My SSD is way under a grand
After what is deducted left with seven hundred
You read right
My waitressing career did not do me any service
to my SS retirement
Though I was given a opportunity at a municipal job
I would have retired from
And may I say if I arlredy did its worth saying again
I HAD A PRINCESS JOB
when first coming on the job I read my contract
Tried to get paid time and a half for holiday
And a clothing allowance as I had a uniform
on as soon as I started
Well it turned out to have been possible wrong doings
about my title
After six weeks working at the precincts I was senior clerk
NOT a CERTIFIED TELEPHONE OPERATOR
stood my ground
Was served dismissal paperwork
All fabricated allegations I was able to prove
Won
Got my job back
That's when Brian Stack our mayor and holds a special senetor
seat where he introduces possible new law and change law
So make no mistake I keep very close contact with him
Even though I told him when this last April he told me he could
not extend another six month leave with no pay
Only to be told I cannot anymore
I said thing is I know of situations similar to mine and I red flag
Why us
I was about to loose my life insurance from my job
the chance to have medical benefits after ten years of service
I had two years and two months to meet that milestone
Just never had the chance
Because when I became ill all else fell apart
And I tried my damed hardest to pull us out of the now huge hole
Guess I can do only what I can
Need I say how terrible this makes me feel
Another failing thing in my life
How much more Father
I dug this hole myself
I feel so terrible on so many levels
But I am left with zero
Granted all the credit cards do not want to know
about any of my personal woes
It's all about paying up

Does not my history count in something

It is still in great stand
But that is after leaving me with nothing
Can't live like this
Got to do something
Something soon
Me

It is early morning
Nausea pain depression came to visit
very early today
I cannot wait I won't start till 7:00
I know to take them the same time everyday
But there are days I am like I feel now
It come to early and if I start taking earlier or not
on a schedule I will be is nausea mode most of the time
and that truly blows
I just got over a cold I think another one has gotten me
I haven't had a cold I so long
Makes me wonder how my system is lagging
I am so frightened
How I feel now just frightens me to no end
I am lonely
And thirsty for human contact
What is happening to me
What went wrong
Why do I have to endure even more
Can't it just go away
Just like it came on
Out of nowhere
I wonder with the rigs idling all night in the bay
Just feet from the door to the bay
Diesel fuel and that black smoke
Did breathing in that toxic fumes a them years
do damage to my nervous system
God I can't wait for 7:00 two minutes away
Getting ready
5 tablets in the morning for a slew of problems
Here goes
I have returned
Now just waiting for the wave of some much needed relief
My hands and feet are giving out quicker than quick
To get up is a struggle
What happened to me dear Father
How did this all happen so quickly
This is why I fear the future
It is inevitable this will get worse
I just can't imagine
Without my Meds I don't want to be alive
No to want to leave my family
But only myself
I am a burden to my family
They look at the only parent they had in their entire life
My gracious granddaughter
Has me belly laughing
My little savior
Her mom having a very difficult time
Finding a place,her way, a job, a home
It is so overwhelming I am sure
I am doing all I can to help
A break will come in Gods time
Until then I have two who live home and am responsible for
I love my children
I wish they were a little more kinder and softer
And maybe a phone call
I extended myself with my eldest
A big nothing
This is my life and she has distanced herself and
has no clue how badly things are the situation
is progressing mad quick
And I miss my dog
He too is getting old
I don't get her
So i will leave it alone
It saddens me I assure you
Depression is my companion today
A shower I will take
Make myself acceptable
And make the best of this day
I will try and lift myself up
to the best of my ability
For today
Lift my depression
Father

hi eva. i am so sorry you are having such a touch time and hope and pray that your pain will ease both physically and emotionally. i hope it helps to know you are not alone in your thoughts and that i am always here if you want a friend to talk to. soft hugs coming your way my friend.

Dearest Eva,

Holding you in my heart today and sending thoughts of healing and comfort.

I have no one but myself
giving the benifit
and hope the request was genuine
in the end that I agreed to to a computer
ON my plastic for college
This was the latest request
wrote auout it briefly
not to long ago
There are many horrible things going on
Her husband
A full blown alcoholic had a liver transplant
And went right back to drinking and doping
herion brought into my sisters life in the last 10
years
They aren't living together
Because of his out of control use
My sister on line every morning at six in the morning
and still used
Was promised to pay off the computer my nephew George
needed
She calle
Agreed it to be paid in two installments
I am moving forward with bankruptcy
To get my children's financial burden
no longer be mine
I want to pay off computer I do so
Now what knocks the wind out of me
This month would have been installment two
and computer would have been paid
But because she couldn't begin in October
asked if November and December is the next
Way promised
Mind you the minimum payment went up forty more in
addition with the purchase I had to cover
you see my dilemma
I put myself there
Trusting her
It was to be paid off in two installments
I have to wait now till the end of December when she gets
her bonus
I blame noone but me
She on the other hand
accuses me of texting her in a mean manner
I'm still waiting for anybody to show me where I may
have been mean
NOTHING
asking her to "kindly call" twice
Does this break my heart
It most certainly does
She accuses me if being mean
A way to start an argument and may skip
the promise she made
Yup
That kind of family

BUT AGAIN
I BLAME MYSELF
PERIOD

after this is behind me
I think some of my fear will be lifted
Looking at my financial history the lawyer will see
Am so proud to say NEVER LATE
ON MANY ACCOUNTS CLOSED
Throughout my entire life
I was able to show my seventeen year old
My credit could not have been any better
With this said
The lawyer will see how responsible I am
I just cannot do anything now
My children because of me
And now possibly my sister
I hope not
She said at the end of December
Before Christmas
I'm so angry at me
And the fight we had
Even though I was on the truth
She didn't want to see that
This at 6:00 in the morning via text
Sick of it
Me

i just found out my eldest is in the hospital
kidney stones
i am that much removed from her life
it's always one of the golden rules
when that be the case one of us is in the
hospital we all know about "it"
now just because i will not allow my daughters
last performance speak for itself
those who follow know what i speak of
never did i ever think she would allow
anything come between us that way
but the truth of the matter
i was wrong
this i did not teach them
for me to handle all that continue
to be the cause of my "cup" runneth continuously
this is not a case monkey see monkey do
how dare i not know
what and she have a case that i won't even write
or verbalize
you just don't do that to one who already went through
a unnecessary unfortunate for him
(my father who choose a permanent way out)
suicide there are some words i just don't
like saying
suicide is like saying puss pimple
just to name a couple
what is she thinking
i understand her coming into her own
"Gloria Steinem" or "Jane Fonda" for that matter
maybe not the best choices of women
though i think you can picture her burning her bra
i get it
what does that have to do with
a possible accident while her husband i want to punch
his blanking lights out
oh God i am so angry
so much out of my control
and not even in the context my child is reading me
i know i am only in control of me
even that is limited
i believe in God
Jesus Christ
Mother Mary
can you please hear me
sometimes
i just beg my father
if it be the least he do while not on this earth
please watch over my babies
oh my dog
my father and his companion
our dog growing up i am sure they are united
what is my daughter thinking
why does it not run through my children
i taught them to be happy love what you do
do not hurt one another
it seems to have gotten lost
with no reason to return
i am heartbroken
me

Dear Eva,

Reading your post bought me to tears. My heart aches for what you are going through.
You are always in my prayers...

that's all i'm doing
i just cannot believe how much tears
comes from this body
my heart is just broken to pieces
it is an organ that actually hurts
why does it hurt so much
is it because i love them so hard
if i only had a tiny bit of the concern
my parents had for me
who knows how things would have been different
respite
what is wrong with me
i am worn to the bone
it just hurt so hard
i hope and pray all is well
her husband i supported
lives his life through my daughter
has no life to talk of his own
find him guilty on many levels
but i believe this is exactly how he wants it
and likes it
hanging on
i'm just slipping away
me

Dear Eva,

This latest behaviour is, again, inexcusable. I do not know how you can be left out like this and your sister should know better, seems like avoidance of responsibility to me.

Do try to not slip away, you are needed there and here.

Dave.