I wait till at least 7:00 a.m.
Came from focus three
Left my message of blessings

To take me out of my depression
The company of my dog will be
Soooooo awesome
The pain is through the roof in the morning
hours
To not want to feel anymore
The heart
The soul
The body
The mind
To see someone look at me
and not wonder what is wrong with her
Oh the drama
Oh dear lord
Even those who look upon me as weak
no mind
No body
No soul
No heart
No eyes to really see
I cry every single morning
In my pain that takes me all over the map
And until my Meds are in my system and await
The wave of relief
I cannot express what that feels like
Every single morning
I use my I pod to force my fingers
to get the exercise to get the circulation going
I remember the first time I noticed my hands
would tingle
That was about ten years ago
When in resting position
It would be noticed mostly then
Now in the morning
Even the roots of my hair hurts
Every inch of this tall body
I am 5' 9 1/2" tall
Now bent over as I walk
I lost a good head in height
My entire right back
Feels like burning flesh and how an
animal would go into a frenzy for food
As I were being screwed torn ripped apart
With all the pain that just makes me not want to go on
anymore
THIS IS WHAT MY PAIN DOES TO ME
MAKES ME WISH I WEREN'T ALIVE
I am trying stay positive
But those who suffer the pain
That one wishes not to go through another day
I thank God I have the Meds to help me get through my day
safely and as event free as possible

I have new concerns
That be throwing a clot
It is possible
Said the pain doctor
Unable to explain why my hands and feet
veins get inflamed and then burst
Where is this traveling through my body
So a hematologist is who I will need to see
Yet another doctor for a new prioblem
It is real
I have pictures for the new doctor
Will start my phone calls today and find someone in my
plan
You don't want them bills to build up in that pile
I can never pay
I had a sweet job
Operative word
Had
Will try to stay up beat
Going to my eldests home
Should be very interesting
Love
Me

Oh how depression robs us of soooo sooooo much
To have to make decisions
Informed
I do all I can to educate myself in everything I do
Yesterday a rekindled relationship with a longtime friend
left me in the dust
Having to go to the lawyer and have to handle writing down all
the information necessary
I was told I would get the help
Mentioning it yesterday morning of the appointment
not a word mentioned
Insdead babysat a woman in the building
that was not important
However there will be a pay off at the time she expires
Point
The root of all evil
Money money money
It will not be something I will be a part of
I gave with my whole being
With nothing but the truth of a friendship
not based on any hidden lies
Does it make me sad
Most certainly
I'm back in the relationship after five
no speaking (issues with herself and me when it had to do
with my infant granddaughter and a control matter)
I pray she become a grandmother from her only son
Only then will the situation will be understood
And the way I need to deal with some very hurtful
things
Out of sight out of mind
For five years
My depressive state
Again heightened by what my shrink would say to me
"Eva, are you surprised ?"
My answer is always yes! yes! yes !
Asked my child if she came to my door would I turn her away
Never
And we spoke for many hours
Over time I have been the open me I always am
and I need to step aside
I have learned things that are very hurtful
such as
Her jealous insecurities
This someone I worked with
and in the height if my drinking career
left me with another coworker who
RAPED ME
she left me knowing how I felt about him
and that be nothing but a coworker
Was this her way of hurting me
because of her jealous feelings I never knew of
I am super blown away
And it was a true honest question
Can you accompany me to the lawyers
Knowing all that would eminate filing bankruptcy
Yeah a BIGGY
But I did it crying as I had fill out nine pages
Now what to do
What I did do is text her when I got home
and expressed I had no clue of her new plans
and called her on it
Well I don't have to say apologies
I accepted
But have a different feel about us
I can see the reasons
and it disturbs me
What's wrong with ME
I can only control myself
and am confused
Do I stay
Or back down
I am not about things and money
Sad it makes me
Reality
It is what it is
How does this effect my mental state
Where do I shove this
When do I say enough already
Stop it Eva
Me

hi eva. just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you and hoping that you are having a better day today. sending healing thoughts your way.

Thank you friend
I think of you and many
Sometimes I need to recap
because like yourself and respond
lets me know your listening
And I need to make sure I listen
and pay attention
Don't have to tell you what Meds do to
Our long and short term memory
Your care and kindness received
May I too be there for you
It takes me out of myself
Love
Me
May your days be bright!

hi eva. just wanted you to know that i'm thinking of you and hope you're having a better day today. take care my friend.

thank you for being my friend
love
me
thank you for listening
thank you for sharing
thank you for not judging
thank you friend

and how are you today
me

hi eva. thanks for thinking of me! you are so nice. still struggling with alot of rsd pain and problems with my stomach but am trying to do the best i can with what i have. my brother isn't doing much better. it breaks my heart but he just won't get the proper help and i feel like i have to distance myself a little from him now until he does. it breaks my heart but the stress has affected my health and i need to let go for now. anyway, enough about me, how are you today? i hope you are doing better and that you have a wonderful day. love and hugs.

With a beautiful wish for me
You are in my opinion have done the right thing
removing yourself that you brothers condition
has begun to affect you in a tougher than usual care for him

I pray he and my daughter that made me a grandmother
Who fell in love with her
A true gift
Helps me appreciate my family even more
And make no mistake
that it does come with huge emotional pain
When your child is crumbling before my own eyes
Operative word here is emotional
So hurry up already
And
May your days be merry and bright
Love
Me
Happy holidays
to my friend

Hi Eva,
Thinking of you today and sending prayers and healing energy.
I know this is such a tough time of the year, we see everyone running around
shopping, going to holiday parties and being active and pain free. I know we all
wish we could be doing the same thing.

Yet, I do find I am uplifted and inspired by my friends, like you, on these forums.
You inspire me Eva with all you endure and every day you find a way to pull yourself up
and forge ahead. You are strong and determined and committed to care for yourself and your family.
Bless you Eva....thanks for sharing your thoughts.
D.