Thinking of you Eva, as always.

Again
Must I tell you my dear friend Dave
The utter disappointment in the medical field

The human body

Must I tell

In my case I guess I have to
Do know I have been a young inexperienced
mom at an early age
I for some reason always knew how important to have copies of

E V E R Y T H I N G

dear Father
Do you remember all the trials
As you guided me

Incomprehensible

Beyond having to accept the general lack of concern

I have obvious reasons
Jeez
I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired
Me

I too am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Thought this new pain medicine was going to work wonders but yesterday my feet and hands failed me again

From others that have posted to me I am probably not on a high enough dose since switching from BuTrans to ER Morphine 15 mg.

I had to drive about 20 miles to pick my daughter up yesterday (I rarely drive) and she went with me to see my oncologist for my first 6 month check up (had been every 3 months for 2 years).

Dr said CT scan was clear and I left waiting for blood work to be finished. They will call if CA-125 is up and mail results to me either way.

Then to small furniture store to look for living room furniture (Bubba gave me the money for living room furniture before he became sick). Spent about 15 minutes walking around.

Then to my daughters dr appointment. Walking this whole time but not to far on each stop.

Coming out of her visit I knew I was done for. And this time it made me MAD. Madder than I have ever been since dealing with this beast ! What the h.e.l.l is going on ? Can I not drive 20 miles.....go in to 3 places without thinking the pain is going to kill me ? I cussed, I screamed and was generally ticked off.

Maybe some of those feelings come from the loss of my Bubba. I have never had a 'mad' outburst since I lost him. Maybe this was the tipping point.

Dogs....a part of our families and true unconditional love. Four days after my 2nd chemo treatment I had to have my chi-chi Broozer put to sleep. He was 9 and had heart issues and could not breath well. I was absolutely devastated. My daughter and daughter-in-law at the time took him about 11 pm that night to our family vet and did the deed. They then brought him back to me in a beautiful little suitcase that the vet provided and said he cried along with them as he passed. My poor sweet Broozer who had seen me through all my prior problems was gone. My son, a Sheriff's Deputy at the time, signed off of work for 2 hours to be with us as we told our sweet baby good-bye. Even Bubba cried his heart out....said he had never done that with any animal before. That is how much that sweet baby meant to us.

I know what you are going through. I knew for weeks his time was coming.

I so wish you could have a small dog where you are living. I believe it would help you so much.

Depression.....I so need to see a professional but not being able to drive any distance and living in a small town as made it almost impossible. I know I need to look harder for a practice that works after 5 pm to see patients but I don't have the energy to even do that.

Oh poo......I'm sorry I've written a book...again....but I wanted to share some of my sorrows with you.

I so hope they can find something in your blood work that will show what is going on with you. Yes we can see it ! Very obvious that something is wrong !

Thank you Eva for sharing your sweet soul with us. I love you for that.

Keep the faith sweet Eva.

Please excuse any errors in writing....don't have the energy to even go back and read what I wrote.


Your Friend

Debi

Thank you sweet friend for sharing
And letting me be there for you
You are instrumental in so many ways
Praying for some happiness to surprise us
Just even for a moment
You are a great mom
And have my admiration for your constant love
Thank you for sharing
Love
Me

on your computer

THIS FOR ANYONE SERIOUS ABOUT ONE'S OWN DEPRESSION

Type in
CAN MTHFR CAUSE SEVERE DEPRESSION
THEN GO INTO SITE
MTHFR GENE MUTATION AND TREATMENT RESISTANT DEPRESSION
TELL ME PLEASE WHAT YOU THINK

I HAVE FOUND MY "OWN" PUZZLE
ALL OF MY AILMENTS MINUS MY DISCECTOMY
AND ITS DOMINO EFFECT
YET WHO KNOWS

ALL I KNOW THE DEPLETION OF L-METHYLFOLATE
SOMETHING EXTREMELY IMPORTANT FOR A HEALTHY GROWING BODY

RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING

Something positive
This is not the norm for me
But I would have so much to gain
And zero to loose
I have a glimmer of hope
My depression always part of this ones life
Wouldn't it be awesome not to e greeted by depression before I stir
Why isn't any doctor take my suicidal thoughts when on lexapro
Shame shame shame on them
Lost lost lost I feel
Push push push I do every morning
Hurt hurt hurt in every way I would love for this feeling to be LIFTED
to myself be true
My children were told so they could be tested
Chances of the mutation passed on to them is 99.99999%
Amazed I am
Sad I am

as God be my witness
not only am i sleeping well
after so long
and was reluctant to express
the positive effects
not one down side effect to talk about
i am hoping now to dream
as i love having them
i cannot express how wonderful i feel
make no mistake my mechanical pain
will always be with me
its just easier when ones mind and
depression not to get the best of me
i hope this makes sense to all
love
me

Eva,
This is great !!!!!!
Praying hope and dreams continue to improve.

Gerry

The rug being pulled from me
It is scary to talk about it as I
do not
Want to be looked upon as a hypochondriac
There is such a huge chance in this one body
Pain mind you still very present
It is the most amazing thing to feel
To truly feel
The Xanax withdrawal is kicking butt
I mean kicking butt
Though I know without a doubt
It is the Xanax
I am able to void number two easier
This is true
But the most darling thing about it
Doom is not present in this body this morning
I am almost scared a bit that this good feeling is going to go
Away
That how good I feel
Like I can make it through this day
To learn to perfect my breathing
Oh how important that is
This is how I feel at 6:42 in the morning
And I haven't taken my morning meds yet
I am due to take them at 7:00
I woke twice to go to the bathroom and went right back to sleep
Gerry you were so right about missing sleep
Remember how I said I did not want to take sleep meds
As I am an continuing recovering addict
With the desire to stay clean
I was afraid of getting addicted
My daughter Christine is looking forward to taking the
missing supplements
As she to suffers deep depression and addiction
We shall see
She too tested positive for the MTHFR DNA MUTATION
WE SHALL SEE
thanks for letting me share
Me

Eva,
As you well know; take it "one day at a time". Try not to dwell on the gloom and possible doom returning.

Many years ago, I went through a terrible period of depression and suicidal thoughts. Each night, I began thanking God for getting through today; "please help me with tomorrow".

Finally there was a light at the top of the dark hole I was in.....I could envision myself climbing toward the light until I finally made it to the top and climbed out.

Once we get that kind of depression, it is always waiting to claim us; that's why when we see the signs, we have to learn to get out quickly; whether it is doing something different, whatever it takes; but those thoughts have got to stop or else.......

Love & Prayers,

Gerry