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04-11-2016, 05:21 PM | #271 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Gave her a ultimatum
Give you phone up for a period of time in the day Dedicate you time studying Calling the doctors to schedule appointments This was asked of her Last Monday It is one week today Has done Zero I really thought things were on the up and up But I just found out she was up to no good She asked her sperm donor I do not want to even call him a father He has hindered our strained relationship As he could not separate the idea I was not interested in him in the way he wanted it Corissa not understanding this is blind Maybe when she grows up But she walk out This is not the first time When I found out her father bought a ticket for Corissa's girlfriend in South Carolina And the fact she is underage And Corissa would have had her come here and a mother calling the authorities I would be held responsible She would have let that happen Until the girl said she wanted to kill herself and her mother committed her in the hospital Got a phone ca from the mom Asking me if I knew anything about it I was floored Floored I have put up with so much turd This hurts so much And there isn't a thing I can do about it And what my life is changed yet once again I will not let her talk to me in the manner she does And told her she has a unhealthy obsession with her phone and her secret social sick filthy life And all the important things falls to the "waste" I must follow through I cannot allow her to walk over me And hurt me by her self centered ways anymore I am so fried I am so hurt I am so done Me
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04-12-2016, 06:01 PM | #272 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Talk about a one three punch
Right at this moment My granddaughter is talking to her mother Some one who has neglected to call her daughter Is active using pain killers on the streets Aware of the magnitude of my tolerance for excuses I have zero tolerance Knows I am in the situation with her sister Corissa And has the nerve to tell me She called to give me the heads up about getting a lawyer to help get Eva back I said What part of the judges order did you not understand To get sober And I told her I would suggest as the judge said At least a year I do not understand my family I am spoken to as if this is about me Not where the responsibility lies She continues to do zero to get her child back This child has been abandoned on so many levels I my heart aches for her It was so sad to see her cry for her Titti Corissa And now mom is giving me grief as I write There isn't anybody to talk to that I trust will know the extent of it all Or nobody willing to listen that is helpful Except my writing It is healing when least expect it It has become a way for me to be connected to some other person how does one ever truly let go of their children the way i care and love them misunderstood maybe protective definitely overbearing no informative always in love for certain let down absolutely crushed no doubt used every time forgotten it is how sad i feel how broken i am how hard it is not to worry that is all i know that is what the offered to the very end i pray i can get some help from my sister i will try to arrange it i will talk to her tonight she is working cooking for the baby orzo her favorite be back later i am sure hurting me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 04-12-2016 at 06:37 PM. |
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04-13-2016, 06:05 AM | #273 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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It should be an easy thing to do
I have been through this three other times I look at myself And ask Is there anything I would change The only thing I can come up with Is the will to turn this particular situation They think they know better I see trouble when before me I have only one thing I would change That is my Heavenly Father taking over I have to hang on for dear life That is how strong my sorrow is And I ask Heavenly Father to lift that horrible feeling Allow me to rise and be the person I am I like who I am It is the truth others have a problem with This is the truth This is the only time I find myself in a pickle I have always welcomed the truth The truth My child No my children All self centered I stood at their side From the moment they were born My family lives in lies This troubles me As I am left standing with my Heavenly Father To help guide me in the direction he wishes me to be Whom ever it is I come across May the words that come out of my mouth Please You I hurt nobody I don't want to hurt Love Me
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04-16-2016, 10:58 AM | #274 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired
I have to put up with the phone ringing off the hook Not a break My daughter does not like it that I told the father WHAT EVA WANS TO DO Go to the park go on the swings slide Gave her sidewalk chalk Bread to feed the geese there is a large man made pond Then go for pizza And the the ice cream palor and have soft vanilla ice cream on a waffle cone with rainbow sprinkles Is this to much to ask the father to do And honor not taking her to her mother yet After the broken promises then to bring her home Give he a bubble bath And wait to see if mom will call at seven o'clock Eva understands o'clock and half past She understands time Will look at the digital and look at the second hand on the wall Yup I taught her time In her back pack Two snacks Bread for the geese Sidewalk chalk A book for her father to read He too like Corissa's father do not know how to READ YOU READ RIGHT so I needed to pick an easy read Shame And Corissa does not understand how important a basic education is needed Where are their heads Why do I have to explain to stop being such inconsiderate beings We are sad right now Let us heal I am not keeping her from mom I told the dad what she wanted to do To the tee Step by step And then talk to mom who my last knock down was You can do everything yourself Not to count on her for shopping for food or the laundry I will have to set up ordering the bulk online And my sister who I just spoke to Another one who promised to come with me to Newark as my bankruptcy court is there and I cannot drive on the highway alone comfortably not to mention nobody to watch Eva I am sick and tired of being sick and tired Am I unreasonable I certainly do not think so Giving mom all the opportunity to be there for her daughter She knows that I know that I am so done Doing it One day at a time At this point it was this morning And my youngest is hanging with her active addict sister She straightened Corissa's Curley hair I just don't get it I just don't get it She said she never wanted to go to that apartment ever That is when the baby was taken Corissa was in eight grade It was a Friday She went to Christine and Eva and was suppose to come up here for the weekend Corissa got there Christine went in the bathroom Came out tripping She said always to me I never want to go there ever I don't get it Me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 04-16-2016 at 09:22 PM. |
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04-22-2016, 05:51 AM | #275 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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To have my last child leave
Prince an icon Of my era All who have passed my era What is wrong with the world Amy Michael Nicole Lord the list goes on Many my age Most drug related Or cancer Abusive behavior on the body But gone God it huts so badly He knew something was wrong As I told myself If If I should have lung cancer I will not fight it I will let it take me To think my lung could be giving up I will not fight I just hope it won't take to long I'm tired of keeping it together The way I see it There isn't any thing I leave behind that cares Why should I keep up the fight One good reason that's all it takes Hey if I do have cancer and it isn't my hardwear killing me I will not kill myself Just let myself go Why did he die Why did she go Why do we hurt I have to put on a happy face for my grandchild To have met a man just a couple of days ago He jump to quickly for me At sixty two maybe he couldn't read me Leans in for a kiss On my cheek yes On my mouth I just met him This is NOT what I look for Heavenly Father It just isn't for me anymore Just for all this pain to stop Just with my last breath No more pain I will not kill myself I will just let myself go Into my Fathers arms I hope In the Fathers time I won't kill myself This I know for certain I am dying already I am tired Tired of nothing Nothing is empty Empty is nothing However you look at me I'm just done Done having to be strong for others Having to do for other And the not so funny thing is That all I know how to be How to do The problem solver The one who made it work The one who kept up the spirit Nothing for me That's how I feel In the end At the end of the day When I lay my head down And recite the Lord's Prayer I don't know how it will be for me I fret it WILL be painful But over Soon It happened just like that With ALL the others Maybe for me also Sad Sad I am My family who are who they are And I do not like who they are So I guess the feeling is mutual No loss right Everybody is doing their THING we are just hanging in Eva looks at me and I just die crying inside Me
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04-22-2016, 12:13 PM | #276 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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a drivers manual
her book to study for her GED not to mention her book she would doodle in in it was written on a page two columns first one said reasons to stay she wrote guidance second column she wrote freedom thing is never kept her hostage on that note i know i was doing what needed to be done only i lost her lost her in a terrible way and i have no clue where she is going in life it matters to me me
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04-23-2016, 05:21 AM | #277 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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When that time comes
Will all be left behind Do we take anything that we experience Here on earth Do we have memory of the ones we leave behind Or do we enter a kingdom filled with lost love Is it a place to rest the weary body To awken in pain and not be reminded every single day What happened What happened I do not know just like that one day I woke to go to work And that was it How do I leave the memory of the pain I feel every single day Then having to take care of my family In every way I could possibly give of myself And to be left here to deal with it alone s.u.c.k.s Heavenly Father where are you Please come to us Ease our pain It hurts to not have anybody to lean on May my prideful ways be the reason why I am alone I question again myself And want to slap myself I did a blanking awesome job with what I was left with I took the bull by the horns In the end just cannot do it anymore What is left but to just be Just be No can do Eva is someone I have to get up for It is sad what happened to this body It had been through hell and back and taken in the end I cannot begin to tell anyone what this body is going through My hands and feet The bruises from veins that swell and burst It is painful My feet and hand are always cold Ice cold To forget when this all went south To touch my neck to feel what he did The back of my neck forever changed To the touch one can feel the manipulation And the permanent shape not the natural curve That is gone All gone Changed Not for the better To have to move is a task I get it done I have no choice No choice But to do Just do What can I leave behind Me
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04-25-2016, 05:56 AM | #278 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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It ts ripping me apart
I don't want to let it but it does My granddaughter Got up from sleep not seeing me in be Ran to my bedroom door screaming for Titti I just cannot get a break with this OVERWHELMING sadness It is so strong I am trying so hard to let it go So hard To no avail Sad So sad I am Me
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04-27-2016, 05:42 AM | #279 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Having a very difficult time
The sadness is so deep i fear what it is doing to me It is not anything I want to feel or go through But I'm forced to How can that be How can a child affect me so hard Is it because I know she is not ready for many things Having to hear from her did not help any Having to hear she sees now what she had when she was here Why can't I let go Jesus why can't I let go Having to help Eva through all this does not help Reminded of the pattern that could happen She is not giving me the respect due me I am not a wash cloth And clean me away Her going into the arms of a man who does not care What am I waiting for Why can't I just get up and not let my brain go there I am so sick There is no question how I feel is not negetive energy I need positive energy Every single day a hurdle Every single f*****g day Every single moment of my waking life When like this I do not want to wake It hurts so badly It IS tearing me apart Wanting her so badly when I was pregnant with her Another chance to start differently It did not matter Never laying a hand on my child Choosing a different approach I was hit as a child Took that with me when having my children of my marriage Was strong enough to leave him behind But hit my children when they did very wrong things One day I had what one might call a outer body experience Looked over my children and said to them When young before soberiety Promised them I would never lay my hands on them in that manner again Having my last child seventeen years later from my first child I maybe I was to late Made amends that best I could But Corissa has no idea that I raised her in a very different way Never laying a hand on her to fear me I held her and my other children and understood I was blessed to have them and It wasn't their fault And yet even though they were still very young I knew it was not how I wanted to raise my children I after all I went through as a child I took with me in my young mothering Having the chance to raise a child without that kind of punishment is way to much I have made life better when realizing there is a better way And I did it I was able to raise them and not hit them I have learned so many things with raising my babies always wanting them to live happy lives To be happy in life Then I look back at the life I had as a child and think to myself I did do the right thing as a mommy So many people passing In my lifetime I never thought it would be this sad Being alone raising them certainly was not easy I was a good mommy Taking very good care of them Even on a mental level Never kept anything from them Helped them understand that we were a very dysfunctional family And that it is not normal behavior to be raised as I was That laying a hand on a child who looks up to me for protection not to fear me like I feared my parents I so did not want them to feel what I did And I knew I had mentally damaged them by using my hand Some say it is something needed at a certain level I do not agree Corissa never knew what that was like I knew better when had her Why does it hurt so hard with her Why can't I let it go Why would I want to hold on to this kind of saddness The kind that you know isn't doing a body any good May this be my punishment I do not know I do know I was and still am an AWESOME MOTHER SISTER FRIEND AND LOVER it has to stop Please Heavenly Father make it stop Make it stop Me
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04-29-2016, 05:06 AM | #280 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Not in the least
Friends family All have failed me in one way or another To have to wait for a friend And help walk me through the on line application I not a computer savvy person None of my kids wanted me to learn And I freeze when on the computer To finally see there isn't a soul available And I would rather hide under a blanket Then to try any more No this isn't a good feeling Then I have my so called so wonderful doctors I am curious as what will happen when I go to the pulmonary doctor I will be prepared I am scared turdless Will be ALONE no advocate Don't have a phone that I could record But what else is new I was up at five in the morning This is affecting me in a very bad way I have been in a helpless state with some things And I need help And I won't ask Not anymore It would be begging and that I will not do As far as a shoulder this I don't have either No I am not that strong gal who people mistakenly look up to I hate it when I hear people say you are my hero There is no hero There is only trying to do the right thing That's all nothing more nothing less Just the right thing Filling out my early retirement application of my last place employment I have a pension and there is a program available for some supplemental income for life and upon death I was asked if I want to have a beneficiary and can appoint a lifetime recipient to receive a sum I get to pick and the receive for life that sum So I tell the person helping me to select the half be allotted to my youngest Why this person says I tell her it is just something I want her to have if I can give it My older children let two life insurance policies lapse They were in their adult age and understood what they were they did not care But why would I not leave something behind that they too could receive for life And it is what I chose And have no ill feelings My youngest has no clue what I did She will only know upon death Death To die alone To die out as a family To stop myself with wishful thinking I am not that doormat anymore But then again offering myself is not wanted So I wi not anymore I have lived a lonely life Did so by choice Choices I should have never had to make I was a child when I was stripped of my future Fighting through it was and still is a B***H Heavenly Father visits me and soothe my tears for a bit I have the paperwork to fill out and have to make copies of reports that show emphysema in right lung Confused I am As I lay here waiting for seven o'clock to roll on by so I can take my meds My back hurts from my neck yo my shoulder down my back this I know for certain I feel from my last surgery and has become progressive just like doctor Darren Lebel of Hospital for Special Surgeries then a third neurosurgeon doctor Argintiniue "No sense in doing anything, many things wrong" and doctor Lebel "eventually you will be in a wheelchair" What kind of talk is this Oh heck no But the time IS coming My body IS failing me Never had a support system Have nobody I can say is real in my life All are superficial Every single one of them All expecting something from me And when it is blatantly evident Not a peep Oh I forgot my pain is not visible The fact I can't feel my hands Yet the pain i feel as it is real and hurts Hurts so badly I have to scratch my skin My heart so sad My head on overload And there isn't a soul I am not surprised I have been alone all my life Heavenly Father You are all I have Come to me In Jesus I trust In YOU I beleive Hold me up Give me strength Ease up the pain I have so much to do As I can only count on myself and the strength YOU give me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 04-29-2016 at 05:26 AM. |
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