Gave her a ultimatum
Give you phone up for a period of time in the day
Dedicate you time studying
Calling the doctors to schedule appointments
This was asked of her
Last Monday
It is one week today
Has done
Zero
I really thought things were on the up and up
But I just found out she was up to no good
She asked her sperm donor
I do not want to even call him a father
He has hindered our strained relationship
As he could not separate the idea I was not interested
in him in the way he wanted it
Corissa not understanding this is blind
Maybe when she grows up
But she walk out
This is not the first time
When I found out her father bought a ticket for Corissa's
girlfriend in South Carolina
And the fact she is underage
And Corissa would have had her come here and a mother
calling the authorities
I would be held responsible
She would have let that happen
Until the girl said she wanted to kill herself
and her mother committed her in the hospital
Got a phone ca from the mom
Asking me if I knew anything about it
I was floored
Floored
I have put up with so much turd
This hurts so much
And there isn't a thing I can do about it
And what my life is changed yet once again
I will not let her talk to me in the manner she does
And told her she has a unhealthy obsession with her phone and her secret social sick filthy life
And all the important things falls to the "waste"
I must follow through I cannot allow her to walk over me
And hurt me by her self centered ways anymore
I am so fried
I am so hurt
I am so done
Me

Talk about a one three punch

Right at this moment
My granddaughter is talking to her mother
Some one who has neglected to call her daughter
Is active using pain killers on the streets
Aware of the magnitude of my tolerance for excuses
I have zero tolerance
Knows I am in the situation with her sister Corissa
And has the nerve to tell me
She called to give me the heads up about getting
a lawyer to help get Eva back
I said
What part of the judges order did you not understand
To get sober
And I told her
I would suggest as the judge said
At least a year
I do not understand my family
I am spoken to as if this is about me
Not where the responsibility lies
She continues to do zero to get her child back
This child has been abandoned on so many levels
I my heart aches for her
It was so sad to see her cry for her Titti
Corissa
And now mom is giving me grief as I write
There isn't anybody to talk to that I trust will
know the extent of it all
Or nobody willing to listen that is helpful
Except my writing
It is healing when least expect it
It has become a way for me to be connected
to some other person
how does one ever truly let go of their children
the way i care and love them
misunderstood maybe
protective definitely
overbearing no
informative always
in love for certain
let down absolutely
crushed no doubt
used every time
forgotten it is
how sad i feel
how broken i am
how hard it is
not to worry
that is all i know
that is what the offered
to the very end
i pray i can get some help from my sister
i will try to arrange it
i will talk to her tonight she is working
cooking for the baby
orzo
her favorite
be back later i am sure
hurting
me

It should be an easy thing to do
I have been through this three other times
I look at myself
And ask
Is there anything I would change
The only thing I can come up with
Is the will to turn this particular situation
They think they know better
I see trouble when before me
I have only one thing I would change
That is my Heavenly Father taking over
I have to hang on for dear life
That is how strong my sorrow is
And I ask Heavenly Father to lift that horrible feeling
Allow me to rise and be the person I am
I like who I am
It is the truth others have a problem with
This is the truth
This is the only time I find myself in a pickle
I have always welcomed the truth
The truth
My child
No my children
All self centered
I stood at their side
From the moment they were born
My family lives in lies
This troubles me
As I am left standing with my Heavenly Father
To help guide me in the direction he wishes me to be
Whom ever it is I come across
May the words that come out of my mouth
Please You
I hurt nobody
I don't want to hurt
Love
Me

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired
I have to put up with the phone ringing off the hook
Not a break
My daughter does not like it that I told the father
WHAT EVA WANS TO DO
Go to the park go on the swings slide
Gave her sidewalk chalk
Bread to feed the geese
there is a large man made pond
Then go for pizza
And the the ice cream palor
and have soft vanilla ice cream
on a waffle cone
with rainbow sprinkles
Is this to much to ask the father to do
And honor not taking her to her mother yet
After the broken promises
then to bring her home
Give he a bubble bath
And wait to see if mom will call at seven o'clock
Eva understands o'clock and half past
She understands time
Will look at the digital and look at the second hand on the wall
Yup
I taught her time
In her back pack
Two snacks
Bread for the geese
Sidewalk chalk
A book for her father to read
He too like Corissa's father do not know how to
READ
YOU READ RIGHT
so I needed to pick an easy read
Shame
And Corissa does not understand
how important a basic education is needed
Where are their heads
Why do I have to explain to stop being such inconsiderate
beings
We are sad right now
Let us heal
I am not keeping her from mom
I told the dad what she wanted to do
To the tee
Step by step
And then talk to mom who my last knock down was
You can do everything yourself
Not to count on her for shopping for food
or the laundry
I will have to set up ordering the bulk online
And my sister who I just spoke to
Another one who promised to come with me to Newark as my bankruptcy court is there and I cannot drive on the highway alone comfortably not to mention nobody to watch Eva
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired
Am I unreasonable
I certainly do not think so
Giving mom all the opportunity to be there for her daughter
She knows that
I know that
I am so done
Doing it
One day at a time

At this point it was this morning

And my youngest is hanging with her active addict sister
She straightened Corissa's Curley hair
I just don't get it
I just don't get it
She said she never wanted to go to that apartment
ever
That is when the baby was taken
Corissa was in eight grade
It was a Friday
She went to Christine and Eva and was suppose to come up here for the weekend
Corissa got there
Christine went in the bathroom
Came out tripping
She said always to me
I never want to go there ever
I don't get it
Me

To have my last child leave
Prince an icon
Of my era
All who have passed my era
What is wrong with the world
Amy
Michael
Nicole
Lord the list goes on
Many my age
Most drug related
Or cancer
Abusive behavior on the body
But gone
God it huts so badly
He knew something was wrong
As I told myself
If
If I should have lung cancer
I will not fight it
I will let it take me
To think my lung could be giving up
I will not fight
I just hope it won't take to long
I'm tired of keeping it together
The way I see it
There isn't any thing I leave behind that cares
Why should I keep up the fight
One good reason that's all it takes
Hey if I do have cancer and it isn't my hardwear killing me
I will not kill myself
Just let myself go
Why did he die
Why did she go
Why do we hurt
I have to put on a happy face for my grandchild
To have met a man just a couple of days ago
He jump to quickly for me
At sixty two maybe he couldn't read me
Leans in for a kiss
On my cheek yes
On my mouth
I just met him
This is NOT what I look for Heavenly Father
It just isn't for me anymore
Just for all this pain to stop
Just with my last breath
No more pain
I will not kill myself
I will just let myself go
Into my Fathers arms I hope
In the Fathers time
I won't kill myself
This I know for certain
I am dying already
I am tired
Tired of nothing
Nothing is empty
Empty is nothing
However you look at me I'm just done
Done having to be strong for others
Having to do for other
And the not so funny thing is
That all I know how to be
How to do
The problem solver
The one who made it work
The one who kept up the spirit
Nothing for me
That's how I feel
In the end
At the end of the day
When I lay my head down
And recite the Lord's Prayer
I don't know how it will be for me
I fret it WILL be painful
But over
Soon
It happened just like that
With ALL the others
Maybe for me also
Sad
Sad I am
My family who are who they are
And I do not like who they are
So I guess the feeling is mutual
No loss right
Everybody is doing their
THING
we are just hanging in
Eva looks at me and I just
die crying inside
Me

a drivers manual
her book to study for her GED
not to mention
her book she would doodle in
in it was written on a page
two columns
first one said
reasons to stay
she wrote
guidance
second column she wrote
freedom
thing is never kept her hostage
on that note
i know i was doing what needed to be done
only i lost her
lost her in a terrible way
and i have no clue where she is going in life
it matters to
me
me

When that time comes
Will all be left behind
Do we take anything that we experience
Here on earth
Do we have memory of the ones we leave behind
Or do we enter a kingdom filled with lost love
Is it a place to rest the weary body
To awken in pain and not be reminded every single day
What happened
What happened
I do not know just like that one day
I woke to go to work
And that was it
How do I leave the memory of the pain I feel every single day
Then having to take care of my family
In every way I could possibly give of myself
And to be left here to deal with it alone s.u.c.k.s
Heavenly Father where are you
Please come to us
Ease our pain
It hurts to not have anybody to lean on
May my prideful ways be the reason why I am alone
I question again myself
And want to slap myself
I did a blanking awesome job with what I was left with
I took the bull by the horns
In the end just cannot do it anymore
What is left but to just be
Just be
No can do
Eva is someone I have to get up for
It is sad what happened to this body
It had been through hell and back and taken in the end
I cannot begin to tell anyone what this body is going through
My hands and feet
The bruises from veins that swell and burst
It is painful
My feet and hand are always cold
Ice cold
To forget when this all went south
To touch my neck to feel what he did
The back of my neck forever changed
To the touch one can feel the manipulation
And the permanent shape not the natural curve
That is gone
All gone
Changed
Not for the better
To have to move is a task
I get it done
I have no choice
No choice
But to do
Just do
What can I leave behind
Me

It ts ripping me apart
I don't want to let it but it does
My granddaughter
Got up from sleep not seeing me in be
Ran to my bedroom door screaming for Titti
I just cannot get a break with this OVERWHELMING
sadness
It is so strong
I am trying so hard to let it go
So hard
To no avail
Sad
So sad I am
Me

Having a very difficult time
The sadness is so deep
i fear what it is doing to me
It is not anything I want to feel or go through
But I'm forced to
How can that be
How can a child affect me so hard
Is it because I know she is not ready for many things
Having to hear from her did not help any
Having to hear she sees now what she had when she was here
Why can't I let go
Jesus why can't I let go
Having to help Eva through all this does not help
Reminded of the pattern that could happen
She is not giving me the respect due me
I am not a wash cloth
And clean me away
Her going into the arms of a man who does not care
What am I waiting for
Why can't I just get up and not let my brain go there
I am so sick
There is no question how I feel is not negetive energy
I need positive energy
Every single day a hurdle
Every single f*****g day
Every single moment of my waking life
When like this I do not want to wake
It hurts so badly
It IS tearing me apart
Wanting her so badly when I was pregnant with her
Another chance to start differently
It did not matter
Never laying a hand on my child
Choosing a different approach
I was hit as a child
Took that with me when having my children
of my marriage
Was strong enough to leave him behind
But hit my children when they did very wrong things
One day I had what one might call a outer body experience
Looked over my children and said to them
When young before soberiety
Promised them I would never lay my hands on them in that manner again
Having my last child seventeen years later from my first child
I maybe I was to late
Made amends that best I could
But Corissa has no idea that I raised her in a very different way
Never laying a hand on her to fear me
I held her and my other children and understood I was blessed to have them and It wasn't their fault
And yet even though they were still very young
I knew it was not how I wanted to raise my children
I after all I went through as a child
I took with me in my young mothering
Having the chance to raise a child without that kind of punishment is way to much
I have made life better when realizing there is a better way
And I did it
I was able to raise them and not hit them
I have learned so many things with raising my babies
always wanting them to live happy lives
To be happy in life
Then I look back at the life I had as a child
and think to myself I did do the right thing as a mommy
So many people passing
In my lifetime I never thought it would be this sad
Being alone raising them certainly was not easy
I was a good mommy
Taking very good care of them
Even on a mental level
Never kept anything from them
Helped them understand that we were a very dysfunctional family
And that it is not normal behavior to be raised as I was
That laying a hand on a child who looks up to me for protection not to fear me like I feared my parents
I so did not want them to feel what I did
And I knew I had mentally damaged them by using my hand
Some say it is something needed at a certain level
I do not agree
Corissa never knew what that was like
I knew better when had her
Why does it hurt so hard with her
Why can't I let it go
Why would I want to hold on to this kind of saddness
The kind that you know isn't doing a body any good
May this be my punishment
I do not know
I do know I was and still am an
AWESOME MOTHER SISTER FRIEND AND LOVER
it has to stop
Please Heavenly Father make it stop
Make it stop
Me

Not in the least
Friends family
All have failed me in
one way or another
To have to wait for a friend
And help walk me through the on line application
I not a computer savvy person
None of my kids wanted me to learn
And I freeze when on the computer
To finally see there isn't a soul available
And I would rather hide under a blanket
Then to try any more
No this isn't a good feeling
Then I have my so called so wonderful doctors
I am curious as what will happen when I go to the pulmonary doctor
I will be prepared
I am scared turdless
Will be ALONE
no advocate
Don't have a phone that I could record
But what else is new
I was up at five in the morning
This is affecting me in a very bad way
I have been in a helpless state with some things
And I need help
And I won't ask
Not anymore
It would be begging and that I will not do
As far as a shoulder this I don't have either
No I am not that strong gal who people mistakenly look up to
I hate it when I hear people say you are my hero
There is no hero
There is only trying to do the right thing
That's all nothing more nothing less
Just the right thing
Filling out my early retirement application of my last place employment I have a pension and there is a program available for some supplemental income for life and upon death I was asked if I want to have a beneficiary and can appoint a lifetime recipient to receive a sum I get to pick and the receive for life that sum
So I tell the person helping me to select the half be allotted to my youngest
Why this person says
I tell her it is just something I want her to have if I can give it
My older children let two life insurance policies lapse
They were in their adult age and understood what they were
they did not care
But why would I not leave something behind that they too could receive for life
And it is what I chose
And have no ill feelings
My youngest has no clue what I did
She will only know upon death
Death
To die alone
To die out as a family
To stop myself with wishful thinking
I am not that doormat anymore
But then again offering myself is not wanted
So I wi not anymore
I have lived a lonely life
Did so by choice
Choices I should have never had to make
I was a child when I was stripped of my future
Fighting through it was and still is a B***H
Heavenly Father visits me and soothe my tears for a bit
I have the paperwork to fill out
and have to make copies of reports that show
emphysema in right lung
Confused I am
As I lay here waiting for seven o'clock to roll on by
so I can take my meds
My back hurts from my neck yo my shoulder down my back
this I know for certain I feel from my last surgery and has become progressive just like doctor Darren Lebel of Hospital for Special Surgeries then a third neurosurgeon doctor Argintiniue
"No sense in doing anything, many things wrong" and doctor Lebel "eventually you will be in a wheelchair"
What kind of talk is this
Oh heck no
But the time IS coming
My body IS failing me
Never had a support system
Have nobody I can say is real in my life
All are superficial
Every single one of them
All expecting something from me
And when it is blatantly evident
Not a peep
Oh I forgot my pain is not visible
The fact I can't feel my hands
Yet the pain i feel as it is real and hurts
Hurts so badly I have to scratch my skin
My heart so sad
My head on overload
And there isn't a soul
I am not surprised
I have been alone all my life
Heavenly Father
You are all I have
Come to me
In Jesus I trust
In YOU I beleive
Hold me up
Give me strength
Ease up the pain
I have so much to do
As I can only count on myself
and the strength YOU give me