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Old 04-29-2016, 09:09 PM #281
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Default As she is not interested

She is not coming home
"I'm not moving back home with you mommy"
Just like that
Just like that
And I cannot do a Thing about it
I have so much to let go of
But I am mostly frightened
I am not well
And it is scary to think I will not
have the strength for many things
To open a f*****g door
To do what I have done before I got sick
To not have support helping with Eva
I have so many things I have no choices in the matter
This child is innocent
Not any shameful doings
Her mind of trueness
She is innocent in her
Love of herself
This much I know
Oh this much I know already
So many changes
I have to let go of so much
So so so much
And let go and let God
And not go there
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Old 05-02-2016, 08:53 AM #282
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Default My daily routine

To have this all turn into a live journal
Has become my way of therapy
I after seven years with my phycotheripist
Fired him
Did not have my best interest or well being for that matter
it was my DEPLIN that did him in
Yesterday all day at the sink with my grandchild
Making Italian sauce with meatballs and sausages
This is my grandchilds wish her menu
She stood on a stool and was my little chef helping with ingredients
Everything made from scratch
Meatball in abundance
Had a neighbor from the sixteenth floor
come up and get some she stayed for a meal too
There was so much meat because Corissa was factored in
This meat was in freezer and frozen in bulk
She was adorable
Each time I used the processor she would put her nose to the bowl and sniff
She lives pasta and red sauce
Loves it
But let me tell you
The only back ache
The only headache
She certainly was and will always be worth the pain
She was so grateful after dinner
I'm glad I had adult company

I do not know why my child is holding my
picture I need tomorrow for the pulmonary doctor
In the last three days I have been going through my
medical file
A very thick one
And am trying to consolidate to the best of my ability
Make copies of some very important results
And will have a friend come as an advocate and help
I will have Eva with me
It's the only way
Anyhow
Why she won't send me my pictures infuriates me
I have belittled myself texting her to send them
I do not know if I am blocked
But I need them and she won't send them
What the blank is wrong with her

Seriously
What is wrong with her

Then my grandchilds mother
Expecting me to make all arrangements
getting Eva registered for school
They are waiting for me
Granted I will be speaking to my previously held home and last job

The mayor
All the schools built in the city of union city
There aren't any good reports of the old grammar school here in the new town I live in
i am now just sixty blocks north of my fourty six years in union city
I want her to have the best of what school has to offer
I have no doubt
She too is gifted in the arts
All of my children were recognized as gifted and had a school for theses children
Now they finally built and refurbished many of the old schools I went to as a little girl and high schooler
then there were my children from my divorce
and seventeen years later another child I was blessed to have a second chance to do it differently
It did not matter
Not at the end of the day
No appreciation for anything I had to offer
I could have been a different kind of mother and thaught of myself
Like my mother
But I didn't in fear a stranger or even their own father could possibly do something to them inappropriately
It happened to me and some women I have gotten to know over the years who confided in me

I have a hard time with this
I haven't known how to do for me
And I mean to be selfish
And enjoy myself
I have to learn how to do that
There are old friends I can call and pick up where we left off
I called on such friend
She is now widowed
Before i had a good talk with her
Said I hung up the phone
I love you Eva
I needed that so badly
And she knows the struggles and sacrifices
a mother and grandmother
She too is a fellow employee of my last job
She started back in the early nineties and waitresses part time to make ends meet
She knows alot
Seen alot
Know my personality not to take turd from anybody
I did not demand respect
I commanded it
And would not waiver from my standards and morals

I have raised four children
And beleive me when I tell you
I do not know who they are
And I do not like who they became
Four of them

How in heavens name can that be
I do not like my children
Superficial in so many ways since social media
became the new way of meeting people
Less social gatherings
One eventually isolates one self and obsesses as my youngest child had problems with
Not going to class
Now hear this
She was in school everyday
JUST WASN'T IN CLASS
I beg to ask this question
After keeping in contact with her high school counselor
Irene Lynch
Is ready to retire
But because it was difficult for me to go to school all the time
And was assured by her father
He living in the town I am in now he lived in all his life
His home and business in this town
Assured me with "his contacts" he will take care if that
"That" never happened
And i continued and maintained contact with her guidance counselor
Having had to pull her out twice
She was out of control
And I would have eventually been taken to court
She at this point needed to go into a program she up until two months
before she left called NewPathway
Having an affair with her phone and the smut that was thrown out there
Again her father pays the bill to her phone
And it is her life
And I gave her the ultimatum
Give up the phone for four hours in the day
Get you GED
WORK PARTTIME
is not a unreasonable request
Especially not doing anything while home
It was always a fight to get her to do anything for herself
Or for me or Eva
Always a fight
When she tried
It lasted maybe three days
Cause the
PHONE WAS IT ALL
first thing up in the morning
And to bed
And it inbetween the day
PHONE PHONE PHONE
I need help
And Heavenly Father is the only one
through Jesus Christ will he be my saving grace
I ask for Christ to carry me
And hold me tight
I am doing this alone
While sick
I must be watched over by the Father
In Jesus I trust
In God I believe

I hope others can see having to empower myself
Is leaving the stuff I cannot do in my Fathers hands
I do not understand it
But I know it is exactly how it is to be
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Last edited by eva5667faliure; 05-03-2016 at 05:24 AM. Reason: Fixing
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Old 05-03-2016, 05:36 AM #283
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Default Lost pictures

I have been texting my child to send me the pictures I need for the doctor today

She told me to hold on a couple of days ago

Finally she tells me she rest her phone and that they were lost

I asked explain lost for me
And in a very rude tone
Writes

Lost

Gone

You'll never see them again

Really I said
I asked you please send it to my iPod
For this very reason

No response

I said

Good bye

It is a horrible feeling
A horrible one
Maybe if I did not care as much it wouldn't hurt
Yet it does like a piece of glass under you skin and you can't get it
What the ****
I mean
What the ****
Who does she think she is talking to
I would love to give her the back of my hand
right on her mouth
What make her think she could ever talk to me like that
I of course to her
I knew they were gone
I wanted to know how
Because she only told me
When I told her to grow a pair at real tits
And tell me like a mature adult
What the **** happened to them
To listen and answer the f*****g question

This my youngest says to me
Oh how angry I am
Having to go and see the pulmonary doctor
is scary

I don't get it
I hope I do one day
For now I what
HAVE TO LET IT GO
AND LET GOD
Heavenly Father
In Jesus I trust
In You I beleive
I your name come to me
Cradle me
Hold me tight on the roller coaster ride I have been on all my life
Me
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Old 05-04-2016, 05:30 AM #284
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Default ANother thing to add to the list of troubles

COPD
just awesome
After a x-ray
Cat-scan
Breathing test
The doctor was with me for two hours
This unheard of
My medical file he went through
Slowly
No rush
And I seemed to have been the last patient
He was awesome
Just awesome
He will take me on as a patient
As a general doctor
I am relieved
He will oversee me and my problems
Had to cancel appointment with the mayor
Will reschedule for next week
The rain her is killing my body
I have to stay in bed today
It is Eva's birthday
Will have birthday cake for breakfast
And will make her favorite meal
Pasta and red sauce with meatballs and sausages
Then have father take her to the grandmother and see her mother and father
This is all I can do
Me
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Old 05-04-2016, 05:56 AM #285
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Default

Eva, it is great to read that you have found a good doctor.

As far as COPD is concerned (a relative of mine lives with it), my impression is that it can usually be managed well.

I hope that will be true for you.
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Old 05-04-2016, 09:53 PM #286
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Default And the father teaches my grandchild to lie

I am floored at the utter selfish disregard
This child cried on her way home
over my eighteen year old who just left the house
with no explanation not a word to this child
Just I do not want to live with mimma anymore
She does not understand why
Because to her I'm the best
How can they do this to her
And behind my back
There are strict stipulations the judge ordered
Teaching her to lie isn't one of them
He as my daughter must be supervised when with her
The other grandmother was not there until after five when she got home from
Listen I know what it's like to work
That's all I ever knew
I still can't get comfortable with the idea I cannot do things
without suffering pain in it all
Not anyone's fault but the fact
To not think I was abandonment in a unhealthy way
And
No it isn't okay to just come in and out of her life to suit them
She is treated for selfish reasons
They do not get what it feel like having to wipe her tears away
My daughters hanging together
My youngest always said
"I never want to go to that place again"
That is when my grandchild was taken into custody of the state
mom was getting high
While Corissa in seventh or eighth grade
Going to the other grandmothers place
That is where she was then
To come up here for the weekend
That is when life changed yet again in a big way
I was awarded custody
And it has not gotten any better
My kid said she never wanted to return to the place where my kid is
Still exactly at the place she got high and the baby was taken
For them to be
"Hanging"
Isn't okay
I do not think that Christine is well enough to rear steer help
while she isn't a mother to her own child
Get the picture
But no I'm nuts
I have no clue what I'm talking about
And to now teach her to lie
Not a good thing
Not a good thing
I'm furious
To boot
Her now father drove her to the place she never wanted to visit again
Right
Really
Really
Ind I have to find a way to let it go
Not to shove it somewhere
But to let it go
**** doesn't anything count
Me
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Old 05-06-2016, 09:40 AM #287
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Default Everyone for themselves

As a little girl
I remember helping the elder people in the building my parents were supers of a thirty two unit building
I was a place when neighbors were friendly to on another
I had a mother who never was a true mother
She went through the motions
But never really wanted the job and kinda leaned on me for that
Once I offered myself like that a a little girl still at the one digit number
Watching my sisters
Putting food on the table
And helping to keep the grounds and building kept
My parents were praised for the building kept well
Oh boy do I remember going through the garbage with my father
screaming and yelling at the tenants disregard the request bottles and cans were not to be in the same garbage
Glass would explode
Explode you think
Yup
We used to burn the trash
And it wasn't fun
Disposable diapers were the newest thing
My mother having my youngest sister for me to raise
She is where I got most my lessons on taking care of a infant
I was held responsible for her
She is now forty six years old
Burning the trash was a heck of a job
After the burning was out of the way
Then the remaining garbage cans were wheeled out
So many memories of having to be responsible
The only time I felt love
Is when I kept up the house
Cooked dinner
And watched over my youngest sister
I am now on my own
And have to do for myself
As far as everyone else is concerned
I can go f myself
I am moving on day after day
With the troubles of my children still trying to harass me
All because I am ignoring them
And was sick at four in the morning
No clue why
Have lost thirty pounds
I wasn't paying attention
Not a good thing
Me
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Last edited by eva5667faliure; 05-06-2016 at 10:34 AM.
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Old 05-07-2016, 07:06 AM #288
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Default Every decision revolved around them

I all my life
When a young mother
Still had my priority straight
My children were incorporated in every decision I ever made whil they were in my care
My son still cannot say I paid a rent phone or pse&g bill on hi own he never experienced
The moment he left the house
he hung on someone always
And still does
Responsible my *****
Not once have any of my children known
what its really like having to be responsible for another human being
A job I took on
So like my eldest said not to long ago to me
And that was
It's my job to take care of them
as I reminded her the reasons I had to file for bankruptcy in all my life
I never missed a rent
Never did I miss an obligation
May it be the phone gas and electric
car insurance renters yup I knew to have renters in my early twenties
But my credit cards that purchased everything a person needs to be clothed at the age of thirty buying bras underwear glasses clothes shoes sneakers boots a warm coat cloths to dress up
This she said at thirty was my job
I told my eldest
I do not know where you get off saying such lies
As her husband was out of work for two years
How over money and material possessions is our astrangement
forgetting all I had done
But most importantly never abandoned them
Took my son by the hand as a young man to find his nitch in the world of fun
He having problems socializing
My grandchilds mother calling off the hook again yesterday
A journal this has become
To let loose about the reason things are the way they are
It is a painful thing to go through
My Father at my side at all times
To have the strength come to me when I ask the
Father to come to me and strengthen me for the day
And my wish be granted
My father comes to me
And when I ask in his name to please come to me
Save this one very sad mother
Who needs to be strong for her grandchild
For her mother to call and tell me how she does not know what to do anymore
I asked get a note after each meeting
Take random drug tests
Go to church
Use a network that works the program
What am I told in response
I will never do that
That is what my daughter said to me
She will never do that
I told her the judge is awaiting a profile on your life since the baby was given to me to watch over
She is smart
Well rounded under the circumstances
She is precious
And for the first time her father taught her to lie
As if it was no big deal
I told my daughter this
What is is do they want her to be a child of lies and trouble
That is not who she is
She is giving loving ask any question she wants and I will explain to the best of my ability
She know how to write her name
The months
The week days
Her birthday
Her abc
123 to 100
Addition
And subtraction
Will say a word such as book and say to me
Mimma book starts with b right?
And 100% of the time she is right
She is gifted
Loves to draw
Has a UNBELIEVEABLE imagination
The thing she builds with the abundance of Legoes
Incredible I tell you just incredible
Love to cook with me
All my life I worked around my children
Took them into consideration with every decision I had to make on life alone with four children
Heavenly Father only you know the adventures I have taken in life
Always for the better of my children
What could I leave them
All that mattered
That I be remembered
Being the best possible person I could be towards another

That's all
To be kind to one another
Still waiting
Still waiting
Heavenly Father
In Jesus I trust
In You I believe
I don't want to feel sadness anymore
Lift my Spirits dear Father
I will continue to do you work I my day
Love
Me
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Old 05-09-2016, 06:43 AM #289
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Default Just rip my heart out why don't you

The Mother's Day for this lady
Was a sad one
My grandchild draws me a card
That inside she wants it to say
I love my mimma because
And she writes
Because she takes care of me
Something that means much to me
She feels taken care of
She feel protected
She feels at rest she is taken care of
What a relief
What a wonderful thing
To be thought of on such a large scale
Like she says to me now
"It's me and you mimma"
And she sings
"I believe I can fly"
Can you imagine
She is just precious
Precious
My saving Grace
There is a girl out there in the world
My youngest hurt her and she was told
not to speak with me anymore
Sad I feel for this smart you g lady
Will be enlisting
Is adopted and does not get along with stepparents
She is strong and was hurt by my child
Yet she asked me to be in her life as a family
And will be looking for her mom when she turns eighteen
The adoption was kept open unsealed
I hope to hear from her then
As she is very accepting of me as a mom
She would call me mom
And I could not refuse her reaching out as a family
I told her yes
I would be honored
Well
Stepmom did not take a liking to this and
ordered her not to text or call me ever
She would text me every morning
"Good morning mom hope you have a good day"
This is what the stepmom read
Apparently her phone was tampered with
But worried I am not
Threatened maybe
Though she would see that in my response to her text messages
Someone I will not turn my back on
until she asks
And she did
I pray she will be alright
I worry about her
She was adopted at three days old
Her mother then with another woman
now with a man she married
According to this young lady
she tries not to disappoint them
She says she has no relationship at all with the stepdad
And she tried with her stepmom
but nothing in the end
Encouraged I tried to let her know she is loved
But just won't have it
Not from them
She so badly wants to reach out to her real mom
She just sent me a picture of her
And she is truly a mirror image of her real mom it is scary
Till she turn eighteen
I told her to honor her stepparents
Her day will come and she will be with her real mom one day
It hurts a mother does not see her daughter is hurting and reaching out
She is obviously threatened
I might be too
Understanding
Me
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Old 05-10-2016, 11:21 AM #290
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Default My child and another breakdown

She is in the hospital
Helpless she is
She expressed to me
Mom I have to get away from the father
She is living with the other grandmothers apartment
A son thirty
Never left home
The mother fears him
This is what my daughter is tired of
She is broken
She spoke about Jesus Christ
And her fight with her eldest sister
Who blames God for her seizures
And the chances are she too will test positive
for the mutation
Fought with her on Mother's Day
angry her sister would ask her
"Why would you tell Corissa's father she wasn't where she said she was going to be"
And the reason is the area my eighteen year old is walking the streets in the evening hours where everyday there is someone shot
Just by accident
Those kind of neighborhoods
And my eldest does not see anything wrong with this
And to lie
Here we go again
Lies
Lies
Lies
I cannot tell you how upset I am
And there isn't anything I can do about this
She just called
Not much to say
Told me she told psychiatrist about mutation
They are testing her for vitamin decencies
And I'm on the phone right this moment on hold for sixteen minutes with no return once to check up on me
As I write I'm on hold to tell them if she is prescribed antidepressants they will not help
THEY WILL NOT HELP UNTIL SHE TAKES THE FOLATE AND OTHER VITAMINS
nineteen minutes
Really
Really
Will write later
Me
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