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04-29-2016, 09:09 PM | #281 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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She is not coming home
"I'm not moving back home with you mommy" Just like that Just like that And I cannot do a Thing about it I have so much to let go of But I am mostly frightened I am not well And it is scary to think I will not have the strength for many things To open a f*****g door To do what I have done before I got sick To not have support helping with Eva I have so many things I have no choices in the matter This child is innocent Not any shameful doings Her mind of trueness She is innocent in her Love of herself This much I know Oh this much I know already So many changes I have to let go of so much So so so much And let go and let God And not go there
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05-02-2016, 08:53 AM | #282 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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To have this all turn into a live journal
Has become my way of therapy I after seven years with my phycotheripist Fired him Did not have my best interest or well being for that matter it was my DEPLIN that did him in Yesterday all day at the sink with my grandchild Making Italian sauce with meatballs and sausages This is my grandchilds wish her menu She stood on a stool and was my little chef helping with ingredients Everything made from scratch Meatball in abundance Had a neighbor from the sixteenth floor come up and get some she stayed for a meal too There was so much meat because Corissa was factored in This meat was in freezer and frozen in bulk She was adorable Each time I used the processor she would put her nose to the bowl and sniff She lives pasta and red sauce Loves it But let me tell you The only back ache The only headache She certainly was and will always be worth the pain She was so grateful after dinner I'm glad I had adult company I do not know why my child is holding my picture I need tomorrow for the pulmonary doctor In the last three days I have been going through my medical file A very thick one And am trying to consolidate to the best of my ability Make copies of some very important results And will have a friend come as an advocate and help I will have Eva with me It's the only way Anyhow Why she won't send me my pictures infuriates me I have belittled myself texting her to send them I do not know if I am blocked But I need them and she won't send them What the blank is wrong with her Seriously What is wrong with her Then my grandchilds mother Expecting me to make all arrangements getting Eva registered for school They are waiting for me Granted I will be speaking to my previously held home and last job The mayor All the schools built in the city of union city There aren't any good reports of the old grammar school here in the new town I live in i am now just sixty blocks north of my fourty six years in union city I want her to have the best of what school has to offer I have no doubt She too is gifted in the arts All of my children were recognized as gifted and had a school for theses children Now they finally built and refurbished many of the old schools I went to as a little girl and high schooler then there were my children from my divorce and seventeen years later another child I was blessed to have a second chance to do it differently It did not matter Not at the end of the day No appreciation for anything I had to offer I could have been a different kind of mother and thaught of myself Like my mother But I didn't in fear a stranger or even their own father could possibly do something to them inappropriately It happened to me and some women I have gotten to know over the years who confided in me I have a hard time with this I haven't known how to do for me And I mean to be selfish And enjoy myself I have to learn how to do that There are old friends I can call and pick up where we left off I called on such friend She is now widowed Before i had a good talk with her Said I hung up the phone I love you Eva I needed that so badly And she knows the struggles and sacrifices a mother and grandmother She too is a fellow employee of my last job She started back in the early nineties and waitresses part time to make ends meet She knows alot Seen alot Know my personality not to take turd from anybody I did not demand respect I commanded it And would not waiver from my standards and morals I have raised four children And beleive me when I tell you I do not know who they are And I do not like who they became Four of them How in heavens name can that be I do not like my children Superficial in so many ways since social media became the new way of meeting people Less social gatherings One eventually isolates one self and obsesses as my youngest child had problems with Not going to class Now hear this She was in school everyday JUST WASN'T IN CLASS I beg to ask this question After keeping in contact with her high school counselor Irene Lynch Is ready to retire But because it was difficult for me to go to school all the time And was assured by her father He living in the town I am in now he lived in all his life His home and business in this town Assured me with "his contacts" he will take care if that "That" never happened And i continued and maintained contact with her guidance counselor Having had to pull her out twice She was out of control And I would have eventually been taken to court She at this point needed to go into a program she up until two months before she left called NewPathway Having an affair with her phone and the smut that was thrown out there Again her father pays the bill to her phone And it is her life And I gave her the ultimatum Give up the phone for four hours in the day Get you GED WORK PARTTIME is not a unreasonable request Especially not doing anything while home It was always a fight to get her to do anything for herself Or for me or Eva Always a fight When she tried It lasted maybe three days Cause the PHONE WAS IT ALL first thing up in the morning And to bed And it inbetween the day PHONE PHONE PHONE I need help And Heavenly Father is the only one through Jesus Christ will he be my saving grace I ask for Christ to carry me And hold me tight I am doing this alone While sick I must be watched over by the Father In Jesus I trust In God I believe I hope others can see having to empower myself Is leaving the stuff I cannot do in my Fathers hands I do not understand it But I know it is exactly how it is to be
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 05-03-2016 at 05:24 AM. Reason: Fixing |
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05-03-2016, 05:36 AM | #283 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I have been texting my child to send me the pictures I need for the doctor today
She told me to hold on a couple of days ago Finally she tells me she rest her phone and that they were lost I asked explain lost for me And in a very rude tone Writes Lost Gone You'll never see them again Really I said I asked you please send it to my iPod For this very reason No response I said Good bye It is a horrible feeling A horrible one Maybe if I did not care as much it wouldn't hurt Yet it does like a piece of glass under you skin and you can't get it What the **** I mean What the **** Who does she think she is talking to I would love to give her the back of my hand right on her mouth What make her think she could ever talk to me like that I of course to her I knew they were gone I wanted to know how Because she only told me When I told her to grow a pair at real tits And tell me like a mature adult What the **** happened to them To listen and answer the f*****g question This my youngest says to me Oh how angry I am Having to go and see the pulmonary doctor is scary I don't get it I hope I do one day For now I what HAVE TO LET IT GO AND LET GOD Heavenly Father In Jesus I trust In You I beleive I your name come to me Cradle me Hold me tight on the roller coaster ride I have been on all my life Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | RSD ME (05-19-2016) |
05-04-2016, 05:30 AM | #284 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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COPD
just awesome After a x-ray Cat-scan Breathing test The doctor was with me for two hours This unheard of My medical file he went through Slowly No rush And I seemed to have been the last patient He was awesome Just awesome He will take me on as a patient As a general doctor I am relieved He will oversee me and my problems Had to cancel appointment with the mayor Will reschedule for next week The rain her is killing my body I have to stay in bed today It is Eva's birthday Will have birthday cake for breakfast And will make her favorite meal Pasta and red sauce with meatballs and sausages Then have father take her to the grandmother and see her mother and father This is all I can do Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | ger715 (05-04-2016), kiwi33 (05-04-2016), PamelaJune (05-04-2016), RSD ME (05-19-2016), St George 2013 (05-04-2016) |
05-04-2016, 05:56 AM | #285 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Eva, it is great to read that you have found a good doctor.
As far as COPD is concerned (a relative of mine lives with it), my impression is that it can usually be managed well. I hope that will be true for you.
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (05-04-2016), ger715 (05-04-2016), PamelaJune (05-04-2016), RSD ME (05-19-2016), St George 2013 (05-04-2016) |
05-04-2016, 09:53 PM | #286 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I am floored at the utter selfish disregard
This child cried on her way home over my eighteen year old who just left the house with no explanation not a word to this child Just I do not want to live with mimma anymore She does not understand why Because to her I'm the best How can they do this to her And behind my back There are strict stipulations the judge ordered Teaching her to lie isn't one of them He as my daughter must be supervised when with her The other grandmother was not there until after five when she got home from Listen I know what it's like to work That's all I ever knew I still can't get comfortable with the idea I cannot do things without suffering pain in it all Not anyone's fault but the fact To not think I was abandonment in a unhealthy way And No it isn't okay to just come in and out of her life to suit them She is treated for selfish reasons They do not get what it feel like having to wipe her tears away My daughters hanging together My youngest always said "I never want to go to that place again" That is when my grandchild was taken into custody of the state mom was getting high While Corissa in seventh or eighth grade Going to the other grandmothers place That is where she was then To come up here for the weekend That is when life changed yet again in a big way I was awarded custody And it has not gotten any better My kid said she never wanted to return to the place where my kid is Still exactly at the place she got high and the baby was taken For them to be "Hanging" Isn't okay I do not think that Christine is well enough to rear steer help while she isn't a mother to her own child Get the picture But no I'm nuts I have no clue what I'm talking about And to now teach her to lie Not a good thing Not a good thing I'm furious To boot Her now father drove her to the place she never wanted to visit again Right Really Really Ind I have to find a way to let it go Not to shove it somewhere But to let it go **** doesn't anything count Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | RSD ME (05-19-2016), St George 2013 (05-06-2016) |
05-06-2016, 09:40 AM | #287 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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As a little girl
I remember helping the elder people in the building my parents were supers of a thirty two unit building I was a place when neighbors were friendly to on another I had a mother who never was a true mother She went through the motions But never really wanted the job and kinda leaned on me for that Once I offered myself like that a a little girl still at the one digit number Watching my sisters Putting food on the table And helping to keep the grounds and building kept My parents were praised for the building kept well Oh boy do I remember going through the garbage with my father screaming and yelling at the tenants disregard the request bottles and cans were not to be in the same garbage Glass would explode Explode you think Yup We used to burn the trash And it wasn't fun Disposable diapers were the newest thing My mother having my youngest sister for me to raise She is where I got most my lessons on taking care of a infant I was held responsible for her She is now forty six years old Burning the trash was a heck of a job After the burning was out of the way Then the remaining garbage cans were wheeled out So many memories of having to be responsible The only time I felt love Is when I kept up the house Cooked dinner And watched over my youngest sister I am now on my own And have to do for myself As far as everyone else is concerned I can go f myself I am moving on day after day With the troubles of my children still trying to harass me All because I am ignoring them And was sick at four in the morning No clue why Have lost thirty pounds I wasn't paying attention Not a good thing Me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 05-06-2016 at 10:34 AM. |
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05-07-2016, 07:06 AM | #288 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I all my life
When a young mother Still had my priority straight My children were incorporated in every decision I ever made whil they were in my care My son still cannot say I paid a rent phone or pse&g bill on hi own he never experienced The moment he left the house he hung on someone always And still does Responsible my ***** Not once have any of my children known what its really like having to be responsible for another human being A job I took on So like my eldest said not to long ago to me And that was It's my job to take care of them as I reminded her the reasons I had to file for bankruptcy in all my life I never missed a rent Never did I miss an obligation May it be the phone gas and electric car insurance renters yup I knew to have renters in my early twenties But my credit cards that purchased everything a person needs to be clothed at the age of thirty buying bras underwear glasses clothes shoes sneakers boots a warm coat cloths to dress up This she said at thirty was my job I told my eldest I do not know where you get off saying such lies As her husband was out of work for two years How over money and material possessions is our astrangement forgetting all I had done But most importantly never abandoned them Took my son by the hand as a young man to find his nitch in the world of fun He having problems socializing My grandchilds mother calling off the hook again yesterday A journal this has become To let loose about the reason things are the way they are It is a painful thing to go through My Father at my side at all times To have the strength come to me when I ask the Father to come to me and strengthen me for the day And my wish be granted My father comes to me And when I ask in his name to please come to me Save this one very sad mother Who needs to be strong for her grandchild For her mother to call and tell me how she does not know what to do anymore I asked get a note after each meeting Take random drug tests Go to church Use a network that works the program What am I told in response I will never do that That is what my daughter said to me She will never do that I told her the judge is awaiting a profile on your life since the baby was given to me to watch over She is smart Well rounded under the circumstances She is precious And for the first time her father taught her to lie As if it was no big deal I told my daughter this What is is do they want her to be a child of lies and trouble That is not who she is She is giving loving ask any question she wants and I will explain to the best of my ability She know how to write her name The months The week days Her birthday Her abc 123 to 100 Addition And subtraction Will say a word such as book and say to me Mimma book starts with b right? And 100% of the time she is right She is gifted Loves to draw Has a UNBELIEVEABLE imagination The thing she builds with the abundance of Legoes Incredible I tell you just incredible Love to cook with me All my life I worked around my children Took them into consideration with every decision I had to make on life alone with four children Heavenly Father only you know the adventures I have taken in life Always for the better of my children What could I leave them All that mattered That I be remembered Being the best possible person I could be towards another That's all To be kind to one another Still waiting Still waiting Heavenly Father In Jesus I trust In You I believe I don't want to feel sadness anymore Lift my Spirits dear Father I will continue to do you work I my day Love Me
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05-09-2016, 06:43 AM | #289 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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The Mother's Day for this lady
Was a sad one My grandchild draws me a card That inside she wants it to say I love my mimma because And she writes Because she takes care of me Something that means much to me She feels taken care of She feel protected She feels at rest she is taken care of What a relief What a wonderful thing To be thought of on such a large scale Like she says to me now "It's me and you mimma" And she sings "I believe I can fly" Can you imagine She is just precious Precious My saving Grace There is a girl out there in the world My youngest hurt her and she was told not to speak with me anymore Sad I feel for this smart you g lady Will be enlisting Is adopted and does not get along with stepparents She is strong and was hurt by my child Yet she asked me to be in her life as a family And will be looking for her mom when she turns eighteen The adoption was kept open unsealed I hope to hear from her then As she is very accepting of me as a mom She would call me mom And I could not refuse her reaching out as a family I told her yes I would be honored Well Stepmom did not take a liking to this and ordered her not to text or call me ever She would text me every morning "Good morning mom hope you have a good day" This is what the stepmom read Apparently her phone was tampered with But worried I am not Threatened maybe Though she would see that in my response to her text messages Someone I will not turn my back on until she asks And she did I pray she will be alright I worry about her She was adopted at three days old Her mother then with another woman now with a man she married According to this young lady she tries not to disappoint them She says she has no relationship at all with the stepdad And she tried with her stepmom but nothing in the end Encouraged I tried to let her know she is loved But just won't have it Not from them She so badly wants to reach out to her real mom She just sent me a picture of her And she is truly a mirror image of her real mom it is scary Till she turn eighteen I told her to honor her stepparents Her day will come and she will be with her real mom one day It hurts a mother does not see her daughter is hurting and reaching out She is obviously threatened I might be too Understanding Me
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05-10-2016, 11:21 AM | #290 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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She is in the hospital
Helpless she is She expressed to me Mom I have to get away from the father She is living with the other grandmothers apartment A son thirty Never left home The mother fears him This is what my daughter is tired of She is broken She spoke about Jesus Christ And her fight with her eldest sister Who blames God for her seizures And the chances are she too will test positive for the mutation Fought with her on Mother's Day angry her sister would ask her "Why would you tell Corissa's father she wasn't where she said she was going to be" And the reason is the area my eighteen year old is walking the streets in the evening hours where everyday there is someone shot Just by accident Those kind of neighborhoods And my eldest does not see anything wrong with this And to lie Here we go again Lies Lies Lies I cannot tell you how upset I am And there isn't anything I can do about this She just called Not much to say Told me she told psychiatrist about mutation They are testing her for vitamin decencies And I'm on the phone right this moment on hold for sixteen minutes with no return once to check up on me As I write I'm on hold to tell them if she is prescribed antidepressants they will not help THEY WILL NOT HELP UNTIL SHE TAKES THE FOLATE AND OTHER VITAMINS nineteen minutes Really Really Will write later Me
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