Eva,
Cold comfort, but it is NOT you. Teenagers as a species are cruel and rebellious. You have a severe case, most grow out of it - as did my boy and my youngest - my eldest daughter, back with me again at 30 with a child still hasn't matured from this stage. Does nothing, contributes nothing, ignores everyone, spits bile - ungrateful.

At least there are hollow apologies, so there is some glimmer of remorse there. Perhaps with another year will come more peace and a heartfelt apology.

You will always have us for mental and moral support.

Dave.

dear Dave
this i know for certain
you and others have saved
me in many ways
many
i will just for today
go on my terrace
with my coffee
hope it will be nice
never the less
just for today
i will try and stay in the
positive
thank you so much for sharing
may i be able to return the
lift
love
me
God is good
Amen

Eva,

I hope your coffee was hot, the sun warm on your upturned face and peace came to reside in your heart and mind - even for a little while.

Dave.

Vent
 

Things could barely get any worse, and I just need to get this out.

My regular, trusted driver would not take me to my Lidocaine Infusion Therapy yesterday out of spite as we had argued the night before over a personal matter of hers. I need at least a week to arrange inadequate alternative transport (time and extra stops). A taxi would have run to over £100 - and would still have been inadequate for collecting meds from another Hospital. No alternative date is available.

This leaves my body bouncing around a 9. My neck and spine are screaming, legs numb and burning, arms with daggers rammed through the upper bone. All the time the new needle stabs in feet, legs and arms. Eased for a few hours to 6/7 if I REALLY load up on the meds - that's if I can arrange to get my Ketamine picked up at all. I know the Neuropathic Facial Pain, now a tingling, irritating ache, will quickly ramp up and the TN Attacks will bite with a vengeance. With Lidocaine all of it is dulled down.

The Cluster Headache Attacks have been debilitating again. My GP has been unavailable for over a week to discuss Oxygen Therapy. They are called by their alternative name for a reason.

I haven't been without an Infusion since a heart attack induced break in 2008. My Depressive Disorder IS projecting and making things worse, and the situation and pain is deepening the Depression rapidly. 7 years ago it was a nightmare, and I have deteriorated physically 5-fold since then.

When you continue to give your all to someone and their family - despite how you have been treated, the least you could expect is 3 hours a month of their time to enable you to have some sort of life.

I don't know whether I have the coping mechanism for this one.

I am sorry for this Post, I do not expect any response - burdening others is bad enough. I just needed to wallow and vent.

Dave.

dearest Dave
i am angry for you also
what a terrible feeling
having to depend on others
and cannot put personality aside
may there be a way from our Blessed Father
to help us with our needs
lots of gentle hugs and love
me

Dear Dave,
I'm very sorry to read what has happened and that you've missed your infusion. :eek: :(

That's bad news indeed. Please know we're thinking of you.

And Eva, of course my thoughts are with you as well.

:grouphug:

Hi Dave

I am sorry to read that.

I really admire the wisdom and compassion that you bring to the community.

I hope that everything gets sorted out soon.

With my care, support and concern.

Kiwi

Thanks to each of you for your concern. I will try to continue to contribute in a positive light as this is my only outlet.

Things are difficult though, I am already pushing the boundaries of morphine and ketamine just to knock myself out as much as possible. Medication induced sleep is no answer, but it is better than the pain and dark thoughts.

Dave.

Dear Dave,

Your constantly positive attitude, despite what you endure, never ceases to amaze me. You always have an encouraging word for each of us, in our time of need.

Let us be your support during this difficult time. Family and friends disappoint us, often. People who make commitments sometimes fail us. It WILL get better. Many people don't get the pain or depression issues....but WE all do. I am so sorry you missed your infusion. That is inexcusable and should not have happened. Life has cycles, this is a downturn and it WILL cycle up again.

Sometimes, medication induced sleep is the only sleep we can get and you are right, it IS better than the pain and terrible thoughts.

Things WILL get better. The oxygen therapy is something new to try and it WILL help. I am praying for you Dave.

When things are darkest, lean on us, vent to us.....we are here for you.
All my best, D.

Dear Eva,
My heart aches for what you are enduring.
You are not weak, it is just an extremely difficult time you are trying to get through it. I pray for more sensitivity on the part of your family and until that happens, you have friends here, always.
My best to you,
D.

Dave,
Please don't ever feel you have to be only upbeat; we need one another. It is a compliment to those of us who have the privilege of knowing you that you would allow us in at a time like this.

I have taken Ambin CR every night for the past few years. I, at least for a few hours, can escape the 24/7 pain. We do what we need to get through.

Unfortunately missing your infusion is compounded by the terrible mixed emotions you are going through by being left without time to make other arrangements. When additional pain and suffering is the outcome; no time for pettiness. Shame on her.

I hope you are able to do what you need to do to calm your pain and anxiety. Please lean on us. We're here for one another.


Gerry

:hug: to you too Eva.


Gerry

My dear friend
 

Everything I just wrote
Just disappeared
Guessing it wasn't meant to be
But I will be clear I do not want to be on this earth
if my pain is at the point of no return
What the *****
I have given my all
I must not be 100% faithful
I want no more
I too am sick
My own children have not the same time you need
SO WE CAN LIVE SOMEWHAT OF A *ucking PAIN FREE LIFE
my hands woke me the blank up
And now I feel all the *ucking pain
Typing hurts
Breathing hurts (back)
My overdoing simple things
I HATE IT FATHER
I HATE IT
I need to feel you Father
We suffer as your Son
With pain in different ways
What a terrible way to think
Forgive me
I am lonely
Am thinking of you Dave
And the many of the ones like us
Love
Me

Dear Eva,

Nothing is ever at the 'point of no return'. There always has to be Hope - even for those like us. There is always Faith.

My breathing hurts too, the fall Thursday caused deep damage to my ribs. I somehow managed to roll onto them last night, and got stuck with the pain and weakness for nearly an hour. My double vision is worsening, making everything close up look foggy now. And the pain since my missed Infusion I don't want to discuss. I am here alone for 10 days, Daughter has gone away and Ex has gone to her Mother's. The peace is good, but I cannot Cope alone.

There are many reasons for you to be here, despite the pain and suffering. It is simply unfair that you are burdened with so many issues all at the same time. It is at this time of greatest adversity that we must dig deeper and stay strong. Is there no cream, massage techniques, soaking that can help your hands at all?

Keep turning to the Saviour for guidance, keep coming to us for support. You are worth the whole World, there are better treatments and better days ahead. There is always calm after a storm.

Dave.

Eva, Dave,
 

Pray we don't let pain define who we are. One thing I do know for sure; we are here for a reason; just aren't able to see the whole picture. One day we will.



Gerry

She walk out in the night
 

My daughter walk out in the middle of the night sometime leaving her daughter to walk in my room looking for her
My friends I a fried
I don't know anymore
I'm burned out
What do I do
Me

Dear Eva,

You really are sorely tested when it is yourself who needs the support. Perhaps it is time to concentrate on giving love to your Granddaughter above all others. There is only so much you can be expected to do.

Look after yourself and those who are deserving of your Love. You know you have the Love and support of everyone here with your physical, mental and emotional trials.

Dave.

and for that i thank you all
i cannot express the inner pain
she walked out sometime in the early morning hours
and says sorry i won't do it again
that my friend will never be the case
BUT FOR EVA I KEEP MYSELF AROUND
HOW CAN SHE WALK OUT ON HER CHILD
GIVING HER CORISSA'S ROOM SO MOTHER AND DAUGHTER
CAN CUDDLE
MY GRANDDAUGHTER CAME IN MY ROOM AT 4:OO IN THE MORNING CRYING WHERE IS MOMMY
I SWOOPED HER UP PUT HER IN BED WITH ME AND CORISSA
SHE ASKED TO HOLD HER HAND
SHE HELD ON SO TIGHTLY SHE WOULD SHAKE
AND ALL I COULD TELL HER
mimma and titi (corissa) will Never leave you
she says i know mimma
then asked why was mommy so sneaky
i am sooooooooooooooooo saaaaaaaaaaaaaad
i am tired of the disappointed
you know where i want to be
not yet
and when i'm gone
that will be it
i cannot feel anything but
sadness
pain
abandoned
tired
throwing in the towel
where is my Faith
what happened to it
me

Dear Eva,

You know it will happen again, if not, you will always fear it - but as you say:

BUT FOR EVA I KEEP MYSELF AROUND

That is reason enough for everything. Imagine how safe she felt, finally clutching your hand so early in the morning.

THERE is your Faith, the faith your Granddaughter shows in you, glowing and burning in the Darkness to burst forth as your Faith in The Lord.

You know it is stronger than any setback.

Dave.

God Bless you Sweet Eva :)
 

And you Mr Dave !
 

Dearest Eva,
 

Thank God you are there for Little Eva; just imagine if you weren't. She knows where to find you. You will see God in her eyes. Your reward is great!!!


Gerry

love this

my granddaughter sings to me every morning

"good morning
to you
the birds are chirping"
and then proceeds to squawk
three times
i melt
love me

left again
 

my seventeen took off again
it is almost two hours now
she was suppose to go to walgreens
up the block
paper towel
toilet paper
gallon of milk
never to return

i am fried with this life already
all i am doing is thinking the worse
i called her father
i can't take this turd anymore
i want out
out
me

Dear Eva,

For one who writes such heartfelt prayers in response to a plea from a friend.
For one who is always there with kind words for those in need.
For one who cares about all her family despite the negatives they sometimes bring.
I offer my unwavering support while a situation looks Dark.

Dave.

thank you
i am tired
me

Broken
 

A broken life
Mine
This is the third attempt at this message
Lost so much writing
So much
This time I posted it
Here goes
Please understand the anger that may be present is because I need to type all over again

In hind sight of last night and what was said before she went to bed
Her reason so she says was the shopping she did
Getting any help what so ever is rare to none
A list given to her in detail
Asked her to please call me before going to the register
She uses her phone constantly
But never for home or like this situation
i asked her to call

So she is reminded the time it took me to put the list together
as we are on a strict budget
We now receive food stamps
A strict budget
I believe as her councilor concurred with a conference call
Ill explain
after her taking off not to return
did on the next day coming home from another
state NEW YORK CITY
Got home just in time to be picked up and taken to her program
all of his contribution (fathers) to his daughters recovery is piccking her up twice a week
When I called to say she took off again
he says wait till the morning
And I did not hear from him
until the next afternoon
and feels it is all a farce

This all may just pull me apart
Her explanation for flight according to her
I was picking at her
And let me just say
Whenever there is a lesson to be learned
paying attention to instructions is one of them

In reality
It turns out in the brief explanation (above)
I noticd hickies on my daughters neck
Hoping to get some insight to what happened

Taken totally aback by what I see
The utter manipulation I think to myself
Uses me as a excuse to get away
Not doing anything about getting her GED

She is making out necking with GOD knows who
One of her social media hook ups
A friend of a friend
Got on a bus to New York

I know
I'm all over the place

The pieces are broken
Many pieces lost
Never to be found
I am slowly dying inside
As I do not get this comment
First
And it starts with her father calling me
out of control screaming
I don't care what the blank YOUS blanking do
I don't want anything to do with Corissa or me
It turns out he told Corissa he wasn't picking her up
from her program
So
I get a chance to say
Thank you for validating what I always suspected
He hung up on me and went to pick her up
a twenty minute half hour ride
He says he has a life and picking her up interfers
with his life
Now my kid has no clue he called me and said what he did
I called the program to inform of the situation

Finally
She comes home from the program not to speak to him the ride home
So she says
I get a brief explanation from her why and what happened
And to see the hickies
When I was home crying my guts out with all the worse case scenario
over and over in my head
She left at 4:00 in the afternoon
I did not hear from her until 11:00 ish
And beg her to come home

She won't answer her phone or the texts
I was lost
Until the next night

And in the end
Here is what she says

I want to stay here

But if I had it my way
I would do half with my father
because he can get her what I can't
She could relax
Be in a different environment
And be here with me for the emotional support
As much as it may be a compliment
I crumbled
I never taught my child to be materialistic
This all began at a young time in her life

My live journal here is testament to my pleas for her father
Stop what your doing I told him
You are making the situation worse each time
The last time she took off
He rewarded her with a nose ring and since the
a going piercing

This is certainly not about me
But I am involved wether I like it or not

There was nothing I could say
She went to bed without Eva

Right noe
Today
I got up and painfully
Did what needed to be done
Including
Taking out the trash
as I walk closer to the compacter
I see yesterday's trash in the hall
She never took the boxes downstairs
I got on the elevator and did it
I have nothing to say
I am confused
Lied to it was premeditated
She was necking
Oh how I want to just die
It's to much
Way to much
The babies mother is here
Letting her see Eva
I cannot count on them to do the right thing
Like make lunch for the baby
Instead her mother asked if she could eat something
So ill get off and just do
I hate my life
I'm sorry God
E V E R Y T H I N G H U R T S
I W A N T N O T T O F E E L
A N Y M O R E
ME

Eva,
 

In addition to pain, dealing with these family issues is heartbreaking. The only thing I can do is to let you know you are cared about. Pray that love and prayers will hold you up. You are never alone.


Gerry

i am the reason for the sadness so she says
 

she is going to live with her father
and wants me to be in her life part time
i cannot do that
i know what this is all about
i know the truth
and so her father wants to after all the times i
asked him to come and sit down and let us three
talk when she was in school
him allowing her to wear inappropriate clothes
i want to die
i hurt so badly

so what now
 

my child is leaving
and the babies mother
wants to move in
how quickly we forget
how can she be so cold

Eva,

I know the hurt. When my son was in his late teens, he decided to live with his father and his wife. I did let him know how much I loved him and will always be there for him. He found for himself; things were not that great; but sometimes we have to "let go". My son is the "baby" and will always be my baby. Growing pains are difficult for all concerned.

He is an adult now. We have a wonderful relationship, including the relationship with his wife and my grandson.

As far as the clothing goes, even if Corissa is living with you, she might just put her things in a bag/purse and change at or before getting to school.

Even if Little Eva's mother wants to move back; Little Eva needs her grandmother. She will always love you. She will have wonderful loving memories of her grandmother.



Gerry

Dear Eva,

Sorry I have been away for a couple of days - family operations messed me up.


Your Daughter will learn soon enough that your Ex considers her an inconvenience if he cannot even pick her up from Counselling. The novelty will wear thin when the attitude starts - and it will, behaviour so ingrained does not change overnight.

As to her 'hook ups', deceitful and possibly dangerous if she met him online. You can only hope she knows him in the Real World, through a friend? I do not know what to suggest except warn your Ex in no uncertain terms, make him understand the seriousness of the situation and the potential consequences.

Little Eva's Mother moving in? From now on make sure all your decisions are in your best interests. You do not need anything negative in your life.

Dave.

i have become a burden
 

in my own home
me
once self sufficient
have become a burden
my sickness
my problem
and it just gets worse
as Time goes on
father how do i go on
there is so much unnecessary
crap going on
hurting
hurting just so badly
i can't stand myself
despair
no job
no life
no purpose
why am i so ungrateful
who do i think i am
so many worse off than myself
i can't pull out of myself
i ache so badly physically
i ache even more so spiritually
i have limits to so many things today
just to take care of myself
used to be soothing
don't want to talk about it
it upsets me so
i never wore make-up
was never without my lipstick
i have disappeared faded into the back somewhere
we make choices
and to be making choices for the future is gloomy
to think all this
for what
i cannot take care of myself anymore
i have brought with my illness
unhappiness
and they are sick of me
i am the reason for much of the unhappiness
i don't know anymore
i just don't want to go on
me

i have become a burden
 

in my own home
me
once self sufficient
have become a burden
my sickness
my problem
and it just gets worse
as Time goes on
Father how do i go on
there is so much unnecessary
crap going on
hurting
hurting just so badly
i can't stand myself
despair
no job
no life
no purpose
why am i so ungrateful
who do i think i am
so many worse off than myself
i can't pull out of myself
i ache so badly physically
i ache even more so spiritually
i have limits to so many things today
just to take care of myself
used to be soothing
don't want to talk about it
it upsets me so
i never wore make-up
was never without my lipstick
i have disappeared faded into the back somewhere
we make choices
and to be making choices for the future is gloomy
to think all this
for what
i cannot take care of myself anymore
i have brought with my illness
unhappiness
and they are sick of me
i am the reason for much of the unhappiness
i don't know anymore
i just don't want to go on
me

Dear Eva,

I know what it's like to feel like a burden. I have been unable to do so many things for myself for so many years, and since the double vision hit I have had to be driven everywhere, like a child.

Yet, despite all this, my Ex and my Daughter would be infinitely worse off without me here. My presence and what I CAN offer more than make up for what I lack, or so I am told. On Good days I like to believe this.

So, know that your own opinion of yourself is not as important as how others see you. In the Real World your family are all quick to turn to you first at the first hint of a problem, and here we all care about you deeply. This counts for everything.

Take an hour and do something nice for yourself. Get dressed in your finest clothes, pop out for coffee, or just call at your Church for a chat with Him. Everything will be a little easier.

Dave.

My dear Dave
 

I have been bed ridden for days
My whole being pushed to limits
I cannot do anymore
Yet it doesn't happen on its own

I had a talk with the babies mother to come
and do her laundry
Never happened
Never happened
She didn't feel like it
Changed my plans for the
selfish one
The three of them together
I make no more changes for her
Enough
I am down and out body and soul
I know you care and love in return
All seems over
Love
Me

Eva,
The depression only adds to being bedridden. It's, at times almost seems impossible. As Dave suggested and I know from my own experience he is right.

I force myself to try to put on eyebrows (only have partial so kinda draw a finish to them). Then, add a little blush on my cheeks starting from mid ear to balls of cheeks. After that, do a little finishing up with hair and a little hairspray.
I feel better already; not frightened when I look in the mirror.

Go to meeting..... or even try a counter at a restaurant for coffee and a little whatever. Frequently the counter person will strike up conversation. If you often go at same time, you'll get to know fellow people at counter as well as the usual counter person.

Eva; please don't give up; you can do it...push, push, push; don't let anyone hold you down; especially yourself. Also, for a little while you won't focus on the pain. Please try!!!!!!!

You know I speak from experience. You know I have to fight the days when I just want to stay under the blankets and hide, all the while hoping, praying the pain will at least lessen. Then....blankets push back and force myself out of the bed. Of course, I do have a cup of coffee to help start the ritual of another day. For now....there's is another day.

Love & Prayers,:hug:


Gerry

I believe you
 

My dear Gerry
I mean I am bed ridden because of all the
work I have done around the house while
everything else was and is still going on
Cleaning the floors rearranging closets
scrubbing and scouring the tubs and toilet bowls
My hands never replenished in its sick way
putting up the privacy wrap on the terrace
My body a true cookie crumbling
I will find a way to post my mylogram
My entire spine is deteriorating
as many others do
It just revealed so much
RSD and neuropathy my hands and feet
keep me awake for the past two weeks
The change in weather
My body feels so much pain

Everything you write me you understand I know
I need human contact
With the world

Gerry I cannot stand on my feet on the morning
The most sleep I have been getting is four hours at best
Do I have the ability to get up to relieve myself
without pain
the fibromyalgia on my whole right side of my
back burns like a blank
The constant tingling not the good feeling
but the kind I want to scratch my skin with
I depressed being depressed I cannot get out
for I am trying to recuperate
Just not happening quick enough
And then I think
What the hell am I doing to myself
Only things do not get done by themselves
You know
The depression is there
It's the crying I'm sick and tired of
The crying has got to go
I just cannot stop
Hanging on
And talking to God and Eva or Corissa
and this community is what I have
I know you care what happens to us
It is just so tiring
My mental state is at stake
Hoping you are well and taken care of
I am blessed to have very special persons
here
Love
Me

Thinking of you. :hug:

Dear Eva,

Being trapped by the pain our bodies inflict on us is different from being trapped by Mood. But you know the Mood makes the pains worse.

In your situation you HAVE to pace yourself, no more bursts of cleaning the whole house! Take your time, do a LITTLE to keep things ticking over while you regain what strength you have.

My original advice stands about doing something nice for yourself, maybe in a few days. Look forward to it with anticipation until then. In the mean time, lighthearted/comedy tv and radio shows are recommended to lift your spirits.

…And always come here for love and support.

Dave.