her birthday just around the corner
my baby already in their thirties
she is a mother
to the most precious child of God
her network of people in her
outpatient program
took her to the hospital on suicidal watch
how much more Father
heal my child
her heart is receptive
help her fried mind follow
Angels please keep her safe
depression a killer
it's slowly destroying my family
it is killing me
me

I find safety in sleep.

This is how I feel this very moment
I have such a hole on my heart
What heart
It's shriveled up into nothing but trouble
My health is going downhill so fast
I just wonder when will my last breath be
How much longer
Sadness is always standing by to jump in
To have to work at being happy sometime in my day is work
Happiness is work
I am stagnant in everyway possible
But my mind
This mind of mine just won't quit
Constantly talking myself into a better space
Looking for love
I know my Heavenly Father is with me at all times
And he be my true Love
He loves me
This much I know
I am so so unhappy on a level that has zero to do with my family
Just life in general
Look at our world we call earth
So much HATE
Where is the LOVE
just a snippet of it please
Only you k ow Heavenly Father what is wrong with me
Only YOU
every single day I try my best to be upbeat
But I get beaten down
No job no love no life to share with another
Nobody to hold me and tell me
It will be okay Eva
I'm here for you
Don't worry
I haven't had this EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
Under the age of five I was alone
Having to take care of everyone else and me
Only now I need help
I'm so scared
Frightened about how if I should breath another ten years
What it will be like
And then I think of a friend of mine who said one day
Eva don't worry about what the future holds till you get to your destination
Stay in the moment
The moment is bleek and sad
I have a nut who is taking away any little sound sleep I can get in away and have to call the police
Really this is my life
Really
I HATE this doomed feeling
Try so hard to start my day over and over and over
I look forward to the night so I can close my eyes and just drift off only to be awakened by a nut
I will not ever take my life
Had that happen in already in my family
Father checked out at forty seven
My feel good hormone gone
Can't have a drink to numb me
I remember how the first three drinks made me feel
It was a good feeling
A really good feeling
Because I began to let things go and not bother me
That's what it did takes it away
I HATE being a slave to my F medicines
The F doctors half don't know what they are even doing
Just give me the money
I am young
And my health gone
All the children and persons living with physical adversities I can't even imagine
All I know
This isn't a way to live
This isn't life
What happened to me
What the F happened to me
Just waiting for that last breath
Sad
So very sad
Me

So sorry to see you feeling this way. But, "Dont worry Eva. We are all here for you. It will be ok in the end..."

I know you get it Andy
Nothing has changed since last here
This will pass
But I just had a breakdown
Having my granddaughter
Awake me to help her with her stuffy nose
brought resentments I don't know if I have any business having
She's my grandchild and her mother nowhere to be found in making it better so they could be together
And I know that will be a very slim chance at the rate she is going
Even if she did get her act together got a place for her and her daughter
Eva made it clear not to long ago
She doesn't ever want to leave
So part time it would be

Or is it because I'm not super mom anymore
That's what they called me
The super is gone
You get it Andy
Wanting to work be a part of something rewarding
My kids say to me
You did the most important job ever
Raising my four children
And have children not mine who remember me
I did my very best
This I know to be true
But to have a place where you engage in adult company
Doing something you love
And I always worked jobs that worked around raising them
and a awesome employee I was complemented many times
Not to have that special someone to rub my back when it hurts
My feet hands
To be held close and for the words to hear
Don't worry
Everything will be okay
I'm here
My dog is getting so old
Seeing him just put me in a terrible funk
If I remember correctly you too have a furry companion
I love him so much it hurts
And to see him getting old
Reminds me of my life
His little paws are all mangled like arthritis kicked in
his back legs
They don't operate the way they did when he was younger
he a Australian silky terrier sat in my arms for over an hour
licking my face dry as my salty tears stream down my cheeks
I don't know
It just that feeling one gets in their gut
a physical manifestation
And it s.u.c.k.s big time
It's a terrible mind ****

Then our country
The world
And no one to hold me and tell me
It's gonna be alright
To not worry how i will do it
if it is getting so bad
It's just so scary when I let my mind go into overdrive
I worry about everything and everyone at my own expense
I have to talk to myself and tell myself to knock it off
This to myself

Yeah I'm on that potty
Kicking myself

But I tell myself
To awake
Or be awakened by pain
And have a nut who cannot control herself
my neighbor above me
I don't know
In a funk for certain
May it be the weather changing
Or the lack of hormones
Who knows
And I wonder
When that last breath will come
The most precious thing one has until something goes wrong
with ones health
understands
Without it everything is so much harder
I so respect persons who trump their disibility they are born with
But to have been healthy and it taken away
I'm embarrassed to think this way
To be born in a debilitating way and just push through it
Makes me feel so small
ashamed
I cry very much in secret
I know Heavenly Father knows all
Including how I feel
Who am I to question
He hung from the cross for me and the world
I want to give of myself
And do not have the ability to contribute as I have
You understand
I know you feel my words
Should I wake
I just want to FEEL the happiness
Though
At the end of the day
I must submit it all over to him
Truly surrender for it to count
Why I feel like this
I don't know
To know there are a few who get it
Is the reason I let loose
It's so overwhelming I just want to scream till I loose my voice
Thanks Andy
Thank you
Be well
Me

Yes, I have a little cat called Gabriella... She is a loveable little pain in my backside, but she has helped me a lot...

Wanting to die vs. wanting to take your own life are very different things (I've walked down both paths). It's very common for people to wish for death during times of extreme stress, and you have been through so much my friend

I became disabled from MS at 28, and I feel the same guilt that you do that I'm unable to overcome my handicaps like others can. I want to return to work so badly, but can't. I miss interacting with other people… I am very isolated. I'm married, but there are difficulties, and I often still feel alone.

Prior to my disability, I spent my life taking care of others. I understand your occasional feelings of resentment over taking care of your granddaughter. I used to get that way from time to time when caring for my mother. It's a natural response because life is just expecting too much of you

I understand a life with constant pain, although I have chosen not to take pain meds. I think you likely suffer more than I do, and I know it's difficult for you to have to take pain meds with your history of alcoholism.

None of these things are easy, they are just a couple of the issues that you are facing, and I know that your past still follows you

I wish that the burdens you carry were lighter, and that your physical and emotional pain would go away

I am so proud of you for making your sobriety a priority despite all the challenges you face, and I am happy that you find comfort in your faith in God

Most recent pics, the one of Eva and me was taken today, we went bowling.

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THANK YOU!!

It’s evident in the picture with Eva I am in pain
My right back hurts badly
Don’t know if it’s lung
I need to go
But don’t want to
It hurts when I breathe
So I will call the pulmonologist ask if I should come in
It hurts
Don’t want to
But will call
It was a blast watching her play
She had fun
I had fun watching
She was so happy
That’s what counts
Right