And am waiting to hear from Corissa
She is now going to the hospital
Abdominal pains
Fever
Wanted to call me at three in the morning
But didn't
She was left home alone
No one to take her temp
I have my granddaughters mother in another hospital
What the **** am I suppose to do
I wrote my daughter if she needs me tell me
I haven't heard from her or her idiot father
This is when I should be getting a call
Not a word
Going to call her now

She has a kidney infection
And she is not okay
Her right kidney is the side
And he is staying the night
After she called for me
And I told her what she needs to tell them
And I'm not there
No this isn't okay
It isn't
I am beyond hurt sad worried you name it
I just want to disappear

I was used and abused again
All the things that make a mother nuts
To have a fever and kidney infection was because it was to late
It has been do long so ce she had a kidney infection
Fighting with her idiot father
Who questions my parenting
While I gave her history to my child to give to be dr doctor
Including the names of her surgeons
And I get *uuued in the end
Now I'm told after taking care of business
Including her father to stay overnight
Who know he just might leave
But my kid said ill call when the discharge me
I told her don't bother
I'm done being used for the last time
Two kids in the hospital at the same time
It s.u.c.k.s.
Me

How much longer
My God how much more
What else do you want me to go through
Strip me I do not understand
Do not want to feel anymore
But I do understand You are in control
How much more
You will just see to it until I stop asking
You are the only one that knows all about me
I hide nothing
I will not be a door mat
Or be judged
My God why
I am again awakened
To go through a day of what
I don't even want it to start
I should be welcoming my day
I am still compelled to pick up the phone
When will I stop
Do I have to stop
Is that how far I must go
I have no more to give
I am being raped now
And I want it to stop
I do not know how not to pick up the phone
I turn the machine off for two weeks but that's it
I have other calls I cannot get to
Really
Really
The way I feel is not a feel anyone should have to go through

My daughters in the hospital
One cannot handle life on its terms
Had a breakdown on Mother's Day
Since then she has been hanging on me
Once again
Mommy I can't go through this anymore
I can't live with him anymore
I'm not happy
So I listen
And listen
And tell her
You have a place
However you must leave the waitress business
It feeds her addictive ways
Will not give it up
Will not go to a meeting everyday to get her REAL MEDICINE JUST FOR AN HOUR
I will not be a doormat to my children
She is given the opportunity to get a proper job
I have the baby
Dammit
I stepped up when no one else could
And I'm still watching her
And as for my youngest
Calling me with chills
Not knowing to go to the hospital
103 fever
Her father took forever to get to her
She wouldn't let me take her
Even though I had the baby
I could have taken her
I make sure she has all the information needed
As I called my eldest to go to her
She of all people
I never left her f******side
Never
Ever
Did I leave them alone
She and he or my eldest knew what was done
As I had to get better at texing
It's the way of the world
I hate it
Text ever ******* thing that she needed to tell the ER doctor
It is not okay
And then all I have closest to me my sister
Only the youngest one
Will be here this weekend
She will stay and keep me company
I have this incredible mound of sadness that is crushing me
I feel like I am allowing all other getting the better of me
I allow what I let in or not
And with family
It very tricky
I get the boot at the end of the day
Shame on me for letting it happen
And the end of her settling in
And I make sure to the best of my ability
Not for her to be left alone
Her father was suppose to stay
He did not want to
I still won't know the truth about that
As my daughter was put on morphine drip
with antibiotics to get right to the infection
Now she hasn't had a kidney infection

I will bring up an issue I take issue with
I have a thirty three year old son who is gay
Came out junior or senior year
The whole time I thought he was going to kill himself
Sat me down told me
And my response was
"that's it"
I was so relieved
Now ever since Corissa left
Her behavior very worry some
Nothing but a troublesome path
Two weeks ago through a bisexual friend
Male
Gets his girls to have sex with through my daughter
She sees this and knows it isn't right
She told me about him
Yet now under her fathers care
I come to find this information from my child
herself
And because I questioned her father
Why dose t he know where she is
His response was
What am I suppose to do
Really
Are you kidding me
Now my child is ****** off
Because I'm telling her father
the people she is hanging with
This bisexual you g man
Maybe a bit older then my youngest
who is eighteen
introduced my daughter to this other bisexual man who had
UNPROTEDTED SEX WITH MY DAUGHTER
HOW DO I KNOW THIS
MY CHILD TOLD ME

And because I bring this to the forefront
How possible transmitted infection can happen
Not to mention other diseases and a possible sickle cell anemia child
She has the trait
Trait + Trait = 1 in 3 babies sickle cell anemia
Then
HPV
AIDS
HEP C
AND THE LIST GOES ON

You do not have to have sex to figure out if you are gay or not
Or even entertain it if confused
If anything figure out oneself then bring in another person
May they be the opposite sex or the same
It does not make a difference
One should be falling in love with who they are as a human being
Not to give up ones body I would tell my kids
Hold off at least for the six month mark
At that point one will find out much and the reasons why they stay in the relationship
Yet not a f*****g person sees this sex binge she is on
has very bad consequences to the

THE SEX IS UNPROTEDTED
IT IS NOT OKAY
TO HAVE a bisexual partner
Or any partner for that matter
And at the end of the day
My youngest tells me like her father
I'm making a big deal about everything

I began to utter the words
I will not be the bad guy here
She said to me
As she began to feel better in her room
Mom
Ill call when I'm discharged
I typed her
Don't bother
Your taken care if
I'm not a doormat
And I won't let her treat me like one

What else Father
What else
Me

Called her father
Left him a message
That it isn't okay if she is pregnant
If Corissa starts life like this
I'm done
What more am I to endure
My granddaughter mother
Not helping
As she will be returning back to her job
waitressing
I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear
What more
I have but only one place to turn
And I cannot endure one more thing

There is a hole in this heart
It does not feel good
I am angry now
Angry at everyone
Not listening
Nobody was listening
I have a hole in my heart
No fixing it
Just a dark empty hole

I try real hard to not cry
It is something I do a lot of
Sometimes it is healthy to cry
This however is utter sadness
I am a prisoner
My own prisoner
I put myself here
Me
I have to change
Change how I deal with this very
dysfunctional family

I have so many worries about so many things
And in the end I do know I can only do what my
heart wants to do what is right for everyone
But ME
ME
I am still alive
I haven't died yet
I breath the air we all breath
I live a life that is in a constant whirl
A tornado that has grown so large it is called
The monster
Just destroying everything in its path
Sucking the air out of everything
Leveled in the end
Calm and order to return
But never return to the way it was
I am hoping to bypass some stuff
I suffered on so many levels
Wondering many times in my life time
I there really a God
who knows all
Who takes care of all the things I cannot accomplish
That can only happen through Jesus Christ
It is a love that when touched by the Father
You just know
Ya just do
I want my Father to be pleased
Pleased I am watching over his children
children he chose me as their mother
Some are so lost
When will they see your light
When will they become responsible
So I can live a happy life as I am closest to the end
of a new life with my Father
Make me count here while on this earth
Allow us to come together
In Jesus name
Crying is my companion now
Sometimes it feels good
But the worries with the crying is the scary kind
Me

I try real hard to not cry
It is something I do a lot of
Sometimes it is healthy to cry
This however is utter sadness
I am a prisoner
My own prisoner
I put myself here
Me
I have to change
Change how I deal with this very
dysfunctional family

I have so many worries about so many things
And in the end I do know I can only do what my
heart wants to do what is right for everyone
But ME
ME
I am still alive
I haven't died yet
I breath the air we all breath
I live a life that is in a constant whirl
A tornado that has grown so large it is called
The monster
Just destroying everything in its path
Sucking the air out of everything
Leveled in the end
Calm and order to return
But never return to the way it was
I am hoping to bypass some stuff
I suffered on so many levels
Wondering many times in my life time
I there really a God
who knows all
Who takes care of all the things I cannot accomplish
That can only happen through Jesus Christ
It is a love that when touched by the Father
You just know
Ya just do
I want my Father to be pleased
Pleased I am watching over his children
children he chose me as their mother
Some are so lost
When will they see your light
When will they become responsible
So I can live a happy life as I am closest to the end
of a new life with my Father
Make me count here while on this earth
Allow us to come together
In Jesus name
Crying is my companion now
Sometimes it feels good
But the worries with the crying is the scary kind
My youngest is still in the hospital
With a kidney infection
Something she hasn't suffered with
In so many years
What happened to her
Why did she get so sick
No call from her or her father
I am beyond beyond
Me

Everyday I wake
My tears are streaming down my face
Left with not knowing what is going on
Not a word
No comfort
Just sadness
Wanting it all to stop
Just stop
I have not gotten any better
It just rips me to shreds
She wound up in the hospital
Why
Why
Why'd I have to have this happen
Hasn't enough happened already
Suffer I must
I have choices
Suffering triumphs all the time
Saddness trumps
All that I had in my life onetime is gone
And am left to raise my granddaughter
It won't matter what I do
She will whatever she wants
When she turns that magical age eighteen
It doesn't matter
I know
I've tried it
It didn't matter

Came to spend two days with me
Did the three loads of laundry for me
Cut my hair
She cut my hair
We cried so many times
Got it to what I asked her to do
Her real first time cutting anybody's hair
to boot she is left handed
We cried
But she did it
She loves me
To do that for me
She loves me
I will miss her
I miss Corissa
Found out today from my eldest
Who in turn said my other daughter was to
contact me
But no
Not a word
And Corissa hasn't looked back
I did not hear from her when she was discharged
Her father never called
I was told by my eldest today
Do as I do and say blank it
Really
She and the others I worry not knowing how she is doing
Hurts me
I am worried