The utter disregard
The dismissive behavior
A phone call I receive
She is asking me to do something
Something that would only take her
1 block to walk
Could I search for her transcript
And hung up on me when I told her she needed
to go to a school to get them
I call HIM tell HIM that having her call and
ask for something I do not have and utterly
hurtful to please not allow her to do that
She is ignoring my test also
What happened
She isn't pregnant
Something I feared
Now to be cleared of diseases
Will take at least a year

Spent time with my my daughter
My grandchilds mother
We went
To the park to feed the geese
And in the bunch there was a white one
Just one
Now I know they did not just dump the birds in
the man made pond
But it was there
We spoke about many things
Many
Even asked wh she stopped hugging and kissing me hello or goodbye
I have so much in me that wants to come out
So much of me unknown
So much they don't know
It is so important to me
that they take the mutation seriously
My youngest I don't know what to think or say
It is beyond hurt at this point
I am withering rotting slowly
My body hurts with such intense pain
I want to scratch y skin off it burns and hurts so much
All on my right side
My entire right side
What is wrong with me
We went out for lunch
Went to a Brazilian restaurant
I have faith my child has been bitten by the rooms
I see it working
She is tired
Very tired
She reached out to my son
Turns out he to has lifted a demons
I pray for the obsession to be lifted
They will one day be who they were meant to be
My children still have a chance to some happiness
Divided we are
You have no idea how divided

Heavenly Father
Give this family a chance
to enjoy one another

Heavenly Father
Allow the obsession to be lifted

Heavenly Father
Allow that special someone into my life

Heavenly Father
Allow my grandchild a chance
to begin life without drama
Something she already understands
She tells me how she want to be grown up like me
I told her if that happens
She will have to become way more responsible
It is time to have lots and lots of fun
Not that a adult cannot have the same fun
But you get the picture

Heavenly Father
Allow us all to understand
What it is all for and about

We humans need to really stop and smell the flowers
Look at the birds
Look at the stars
Look into one another's eyes when speaking to them
Live a life of joy and happiness
Enough sorrow
Enough sadness
To be empowered is what I try and do every morning
Come here
Write my life away
Gives me purpose
To hope to send good messages
To be positive even in adversities that rip
through me like a storm
Love
Me

hi eva. i am so sorry you are having such a rough time. i hope you know that i am praying for you. i hope things get easier for you and that you can smile again. i am feeling pretty depressed myself. my brother texted me last week while he was in a foul mood and used me as his verbal punching bag again. i can't take the pain he is causing me anymore and think i really need to cut ties with him until he gets help. i know he is ill but i am sick too and am not able to deal with him anymore. i've tried my best but he keeps pushing me away in anger. i don't know why he just won't get help. what he has is cureable. what i have is not. i wish he would understand that. he has a chance to get better which is more then i can say for myself. hope your daughter gets the help she needs so she gets better too. love and hugs from me.

In advance I would like to say thank you for reaching out
It was on a sunny brisk march morning I was getting ready to go to my first AA meeting that was in 1990
It was only in 1992 I began to understand some of the things said
Such as staying away from the first drink
Just didn't get it
I did not get arrested ever
I never looked the part
I was never ordered to enter AA
it was something I recognized
I never since I left my home at seventeen
missed a rent payment
Never
I never missed any of my financial obligations
Including feeding and clothing my babies
Neither of my children's fathers were honest and lied about their financial status
Upon my divorce with three babies
No financial support
Ad nobody holding him accountable
I ALWAYS FAUGHT A LOUSEY SYSTEM THAT IS ALIVE BUT NOT UTILIZED IN A FASHION THAT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK
BUT NO THE CORRUPTION IS OUT OF CONTROL
nevertheless
I took on the job a busted my butt
I would look back and can see when I lost my privileges to a drink
After some number of years I developed princess hours
A hardcore full time overnight worker
Bringing in good money for the business
Twelve years full time
Tuesday night to Sunday morning
My nights off were Sunday and Monday
I also had been that mom on the block as we had the huge backyard I took care of
Loved it
Weeding was soothing
Especially on a crisp sunny morning
I miss that
I wish I owned my own home
With that it yard
Only if I win the lottery
Back to point
My disease was lifted after two years trying it my way
And once the obsession is lifted it does not stop there
This is where you and I are simultaneously
Only all my children are addicts in one way shape or form
And to have found a mutation (MTHFR MUTATION)
And to see the symptoms they harbor
Each and everyone of them on a very serious level
Gave them the information
And if they do not take action on the information
It's on them
And it's a big deal
Make no mistake
It is newly found
My eldest is in denial
As a recovering alcoholic
I understand addiction
I doesn't have to be only drugs or alcohol
I suffer from OCD err to the orderly and clean
And aware of it doesn't make it easier
We are diseased
I was predisposed
It spun out of control acquiring princess hours
And got off early one in the morning
Point
This is where I lost it
My managers
And in my career waitressing went through
Five overnight managers
Even the three brothers gave it a try
What try you wonder
Well
When I got the okay I could leave early
I would have a drink ready in advance awaiting

3/4 vodka
Even more
A splash of cranberry
Then would go to the bar up the block for a few more
This is where I know it all started
Hence I beg my daughter not to work that kind of job
I did it for reasons
She has no reason other then getting high
She has her license to be a phlebotomist
A degree in culinary
I don't get it
We are not to be their punching bags
And it damn hurts
I tell my children
Please tell me how not to care
Not to cry my heart out
Coming this far only to be a slave to pills
Never to have abused them to date
And if I should ever am to entertain such a thought
I would dump the pills and pick up a drink
I know what drinking does
When I was a young mother
Wine was alway with our dinner
Not a problem
To have accumulated time in AA is not something I agree with
For this person
As the serenity prayer so beautifully put
"And the wisdom to understand the difference"
We control ourselves
We have to stop being that punching bag
The hardest thing I am still going through
Is not talking to my children for the act of not talking to them
is so difficult
To hear they are not doing well hurts
I know the ROAD one must follow
You my dear friend have to become a bit selfish
he is not in a position to see what is going on
When active as he is
And verbally punching you
Time to get out of the way
My children have put themselves through so much already
You wonder when you get that phone call at a unnatural hour
and know something is wrong
I'm just afraid one day it will say to me
We need you to come and identify the body
You get it don't you
I have reason to worry
However
You and I are NOT WELL
we need to be well so if we choose to deal with them
they do not strip us of our power
I am here to help empower you
I come here and write my life away
It helps
It helps ME
NOW HELP YOURSELF
let's just do the only thing we can
PRAY
Remember
Going into the rooms
Must be his choice
And also once lifted if ever lifted
One needs to maintain in order to sustain
You are a awesome sister
He will one day see this
Time to pull back
Not walk away
Just step down
We are going through this together
I get it
Love yourself
We are not doormats
Here if you need me
Don't know what happened to yesterday's post on open profile
Live
Love
Me

eva, everything you said is everything i feel. it brought tears to my eyes. not because i am sad but because it is good to know that someone understands what i am going through. i only wish that you didn't have to go through it too. its not fair. but it is reality and you're right. we have to be a bit selfish to preserve our own health as best we can. i dread the late night messages and calls too. my heart skips a beat and is filled with dread. the same fear you fear. that i've lost a loved one to addiction. i hope and pray it doesn't come to that for either of us. and thank you for giving me the strength to keep going and keep it together. i've cried all the tears i have right now and need to keep the Faith that he will get better. but right now i feel like he's slowly slipping away from me, like when a child loses grasp of their balloon and cries as it quietly floats up into the sky out of reach and out of sight. but always remembered in our hearts. thank you again for caring. please always remember that i care too. love and hugs.

P.S. i am so very Proud of You for all that you have achieved and overcome. it takes Strong person with a good heart to be able to keep going when things are tough. and it takes a beautiful Soul to be able to share their struggles with others in order to help others become stronger too. thank you for helping me gain strength. love and hugs from your forever friend.

Know you blessed me
Love
Me

hi Eva. i just wanted you to know that i was thinking of you and hope you're having a better day today. i am not feeling too good but trying to manage the best i can. sending soft hugs your way.

May I share with you

Approach each new day with desire to find Me
Before you get out of bed, I have already been working to prepare the path that will get you through this day.
There are hidden treasures strategically placed along the way
Some of the treasures are trials, designed to shake you free from earth-shackles
Others are blessings that reveal My Presence: sunshine, flowers, birds, friendships, answered prayer
I have not abandoned this sin-wracked world; I am still richly present in it

Search for deep treasures as you go through this day
You will find Me all along the way

Colossians 2 : 2-3; Isaiah 33 : 6

Just a little something given to me
And I give to you and all who read it
Empower yourself through the help of our Father
I know you believe
I also know how hard it is
It is Your family
Remember
He couldn't ask for a kinder sister
then you are to him
Be a little selfish today
Do one small thing that puts a smile on your face
Love
You friend in return
Me

thank you eva. that is a beautiful post. i needed it today. i am so afraid that i may have lost him and it is making me physically sicker then i already am. i am trying to be strong like you are and keep the faith. one moment at a time, one day at a time. thank you again for being there to help me deal with the uncertainty of what his future will bring. i will find comfort in the fact that God is watching over him. i already know God is watching over me because he gave me an angel to help me cope with all of this. that angel is you my dear friend.

Anytime you need me
I'm here
Love
Me

Had my daughter over to spend time with her daughter
Excuses excuses
All she did was sleep
After we had a early dinner
Got her ready to receive her mother
And she slept
I came into my room to give them
Mommy and daughter time
I went into the room to see how they were doing
Still sleeping
And she was sleeping into the dark
Had her get up
Tried to explain what she did will never happen again
She yelled and screamed with umpteen excuses
I came into my room with my granddaughter when I asked her to please leave
We locked ourselves in my room just waiting
She left
Leaving the door ajar
God knows how long it was like that
God please
What is wrong with me
My youngest calling me to say goodnight at 10:45 while on the light rail to still take the bus
Alone
She was alone
What's wrong with her father
God I just don't want to feel anything anymore
I really don't want to feel
Not like this

I have a appointment to get a x-ray and cat-scan of lungs
It already has been noted I have emphysema in my right lung
The doctor was able to hear the wheezing
I am scared
My cancer was in my right breast
My pain that is on my back right side
The bone that would be wings to a bird
Is killing me with pain and burning it has increased
in intensity I can feel it spread
I don't want it to be cancer again
God please
Not again
Not my lung this time
June 6th I see the oncologist and then later that day X-ray and CT
how to let what go
My life
This has effected everything about me
my well being isn't of anyone's interest
To get to the doctors is just as difficult
Not any of my children understand the magnitude
Because
I have no choice but to push myself
One day I will push myself to far
I have lost thirty pounds
And did not see it happen
Please the only time I list weight like this
was with my breast cancer
Because it is on the right side is what scares me
My type of cancer loves bone
Let it not be cancer
I have no will to fight another run
I know I need to calm and wait
Right
Tell that to my brain
My body
My feel
I just don't want to feel
All that I am doing is going through the same motions
Over and over and over
Until there isn't anything left
I am left to handle things on my own
Something I have done ALL MY LIFE
NO MORE PLEASE
I DON'T WANT TO GO IT ALONE
A frightened woman asks
Heavenly Father lift me
Hold me
Let me feel You in my Body Mind and Soul
Please Heavenly Father
Please
They hurt me and my grandchild over and over again
To be this sad and depressed is not how I want to live the rest of the time I am given
This is not who I am
I am not the person I once was
And it HURTS