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05-19-2016, 05:41 AM | #301 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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The utter disregard
The dismissive behavior A phone call I receive She is asking me to do something Something that would only take her 1 block to walk Could I search for her transcript And hung up on me when I told her she needed to go to a school to get them I call HIM tell HIM that having her call and ask for something I do not have and utterly hurtful to please not allow her to do that She is ignoring my test also What happened She isn't pregnant Something I feared Now to be cleared of diseases Will take at least a year Spent time with my my daughter My grandchilds mother We went To the park to feed the geese And in the bunch there was a white one Just one Now I know they did not just dump the birds in the man made pond But it was there We spoke about many things Many Even asked wh she stopped hugging and kissing me hello or goodbye I have so much in me that wants to come out So much of me unknown So much they don't know It is so important to me that they take the mutation seriously My youngest I don't know what to think or say It is beyond hurt at this point I am withering rotting slowly My body hurts with such intense pain I want to scratch y skin off it burns and hurts so much All on my right side My entire right side What is wrong with me We went out for lunch Went to a Brazilian restaurant I have faith my child has been bitten by the rooms I see it working She is tired Very tired She reached out to my son Turns out he to has lifted a demons I pray for the obsession to be lifted They will one day be who they were meant to be My children still have a chance to some happiness Divided we are You have no idea how divided Heavenly Father Give this family a chance to enjoy one another Heavenly Father Allow the obsession to be lifted Heavenly Father Allow that special someone into my life Heavenly Father Allow my grandchild a chance to begin life without drama Something she already understands She tells me how she want to be grown up like me I told her if that happens She will have to become way more responsible It is time to have lots and lots of fun Not that a adult cannot have the same fun But you get the picture Heavenly Father Allow us all to understand What it is all for and about We humans need to really stop and smell the flowers Look at the birds Look at the stars Look into one another's eyes when speaking to them Live a life of joy and happiness Enough sorrow Enough sadness To be empowered is what I try and do every morning Come here Write my life away Gives me purpose To hope to send good messages To be positive even in adversities that rip through me like a storm Love Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (05-19-2016), RSD ME (05-19-2016) |
05-19-2016, 10:26 AM | #302 | ||
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Senior Member
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hi eva. i am so sorry you are having such a rough time. i hope you know that i am praying for you. i hope things get easier for you and that you can smile again. i am feeling pretty depressed myself. my brother texted me last week while he was in a foul mood and used me as his verbal punching bag again. i can't take the pain he is causing me anymore and think i really need to cut ties with him until he gets help. i know he is ill but i am sick too and am not able to deal with him anymore. i've tried my best but he keeps pushing me away in anger. i don't know why he just won't get help. what he has is cureable. what i have is not. i wish he would understand that. he has a chance to get better which is more then i can say for myself. hope your daughter gets the help she needs so she gets better too. love and hugs from me.
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RSD ME . |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (05-19-2016), PamelaJune (05-19-2016) |
05-20-2016, 06:45 AM | #303 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
It was on a sunny brisk march morning I was getting ready to go to my first AA meeting that was in 1990 It was only in 1992 I began to understand some of the things said Such as staying away from the first drink Just didn't get it I did not get arrested ever I never looked the part I was never ordered to enter AA it was something I recognized I never since I left my home at seventeen missed a rent payment Never I never missed any of my financial obligations Including feeding and clothing my babies Neither of my children's fathers were honest and lied about their financial status Upon my divorce with three babies No financial support Ad nobody holding him accountable I ALWAYS FAUGHT A LOUSEY SYSTEM THAT IS ALIVE BUT NOT UTILIZED IN A FASHION THAT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK BUT NO THE CORRUPTION IS OUT OF CONTROL nevertheless I took on the job a busted my butt I would look back and can see when I lost my privileges to a drink After some number of years I developed princess hours A hardcore full time overnight worker Bringing in good money for the business Twelve years full time Tuesday night to Sunday morning My nights off were Sunday and Monday I also had been that mom on the block as we had the huge backyard I took care of Loved it Weeding was soothing Especially on a crisp sunny morning I miss that I wish I owned my own home With that it yard Only if I win the lottery Back to point My disease was lifted after two years trying it my way And once the obsession is lifted it does not stop there This is where you and I are simultaneously Only all my children are addicts in one way shape or form And to have found a mutation (MTHFR MUTATION) And to see the symptoms they harbor Each and everyone of them on a very serious level Gave them the information And if they do not take action on the information It's on them And it's a big deal Make no mistake It is newly found My eldest is in denial As a recovering alcoholic I understand addiction I doesn't have to be only drugs or alcohol I suffer from OCD err to the orderly and clean And aware of it doesn't make it easier We are diseased I was predisposed It spun out of control acquiring princess hours And got off early one in the morning Point This is where I lost it My managers And in my career waitressing went through Five overnight managers Even the three brothers gave it a try What try you wonder Well When I got the okay I could leave early I would have a drink ready in advance awaiting 3/4 vodka Even more A splash of cranberry Then would go to the bar up the block for a few more This is where I know it all started Hence I beg my daughter not to work that kind of job I did it for reasons She has no reason other then getting high She has her license to be a phlebotomist A degree in culinary I don't get it We are not to be their punching bags And it damn hurts I tell my children Please tell me how not to care Not to cry my heart out Coming this far only to be a slave to pills Never to have abused them to date And if I should ever am to entertain such a thought I would dump the pills and pick up a drink I know what drinking does When I was a young mother Wine was alway with our dinner Not a problem To have accumulated time in AA is not something I agree with For this person As the serenity prayer so beautifully put "And the wisdom to understand the difference" We control ourselves We have to stop being that punching bag The hardest thing I am still going through Is not talking to my children for the act of not talking to them is so difficult To hear they are not doing well hurts I know the ROAD one must follow You my dear friend have to become a bit selfish he is not in a position to see what is going on When active as he is And verbally punching you Time to get out of the way My children have put themselves through so much already You wonder when you get that phone call at a unnatural hour and know something is wrong I'm just afraid one day it will say to me We need you to come and identify the body You get it don't you I have reason to worry However You and I are NOT WELL we need to be well so if we choose to deal with them they do not strip us of our power I am here to help empower you I come here and write my life away It helps It helps ME NOW HELP YOURSELF let's just do the only thing we can PRAY Remember Going into the rooms Must be his choice And also once lifted if ever lifted One needs to maintain in order to sustain You are a awesome sister He will one day see this Time to pull back Not walk away Just step down We are going through this together I get it Love yourself We are not doormats Here if you need me Don't know what happened to yesterday's post on open profile Live Love Me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 05-20-2016 at 07:27 AM. |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | RSD ME (05-20-2016) |
05-20-2016, 07:04 PM | #304 | ||
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Senior Member
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eva, everything you said is everything i feel. it brought tears to my eyes. not because i am sad but because it is good to know that someone understands what i am going through. i only wish that you didn't have to go through it too. its not fair. but it is reality and you're right. we have to be a bit selfish to preserve our own health as best we can. i dread the late night messages and calls too. my heart skips a beat and is filled with dread. the same fear you fear. that i've lost a loved one to addiction. i hope and pray it doesn't come to that for either of us. and thank you for giving me the strength to keep going and keep it together. i've cried all the tears i have right now and need to keep the Faith that he will get better. but right now i feel like he's slowly slipping away from me, like when a child loses grasp of their balloon and cries as it quietly floats up into the sky out of reach and out of sight. but always remembered in our hearts. thank you again for caring. please always remember that i care too. love and hugs.
P.S. i am so very Proud of You for all that you have achieved and overcome. it takes Strong person with a good heart to be able to keep going when things are tough. and it takes a beautiful Soul to be able to share their struggles with others in order to help others become stronger too. thank you for helping me gain strength. love and hugs from your forever friend.
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RSD ME . |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (05-20-2016), PamelaJune (05-22-2016) |
05-20-2016, 08:30 PM | #305 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
Love Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (05-22-2016), RSD ME (05-21-2016) |
05-23-2016, 07:40 AM | #306 | ||
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Senior Member
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hi Eva. i just wanted you to know that i was thinking of you and hope you're having a better day today. i am not feeling too good but trying to manage the best i can. sending soft hugs your way.
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RSD ME . |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (05-23-2016), PamelaJune (05-23-2016) |
05-23-2016, 08:20 AM | #307 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
Approach each new day with desire to find Me Before you get out of bed, I have already been working to prepare the path that will get you through this day. There are hidden treasures strategically placed along the way Some of the treasures are trials, designed to shake you free from earth-shackles Others are blessings that reveal My Presence: sunshine, flowers, birds, friendships, answered prayer I have not abandoned this sin-wracked world; I am still richly present in it Search for deep treasures as you go through this day You will find Me all along the way Colossians 2 : 2-3; Isaiah 33 : 6 Just a little something given to me And I give to you and all who read it Empower yourself through the help of our Father I know you believe I also know how hard it is It is Your family Remember He couldn't ask for a kinder sister then you are to him Be a little selfish today Do one small thing that puts a smile on your face Love You friend in return Me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 05-24-2016 at 07:52 AM. Reason: Typo |
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05-23-2016, 01:10 PM | #308 | ||
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Senior Member
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thank you eva. that is a beautiful post. i needed it today. i am so afraid that i may have lost him and it is making me physically sicker then i already am. i am trying to be strong like you are and keep the faith. one moment at a time, one day at a time. thank you again for being there to help me deal with the uncertainty of what his future will bring. i will find comfort in the fact that God is watching over him. i already know God is watching over me because he gave me an angel to help me cope with all of this. that angel is you my dear friend.
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RSD ME . |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (05-23-2016) |
05-23-2016, 03:16 PM | #309 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
I'm here Love Me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | RSD ME (05-23-2016) |
05-25-2016, 08:54 AM | #310 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Had my daughter over to spend time with her daughter
Excuses excuses All she did was sleep After we had a early dinner Got her ready to receive her mother And she slept I came into my room to give them Mommy and daughter time I went into the room to see how they were doing Still sleeping And she was sleeping into the dark Had her get up Tried to explain what she did will never happen again She yelled and screamed with umpteen excuses I came into my room with my granddaughter when I asked her to please leave We locked ourselves in my room just waiting She left Leaving the door ajar God knows how long it was like that God please What is wrong with me My youngest calling me to say goodnight at 10:45 while on the light rail to still take the bus Alone She was alone What's wrong with her father God I just don't want to feel anything anymore I really don't want to feel Not like this I have a appointment to get a x-ray and cat-scan of lungs It already has been noted I have emphysema in my right lung The doctor was able to hear the wheezing I am scared My cancer was in my right breast My pain that is on my back right side The bone that would be wings to a bird Is killing me with pain and burning it has increased in intensity I can feel it spread I don't want it to be cancer again God please Not again Not my lung this time June 6th I see the oncologist and then later that day X-ray and CT how to let what go My life This has effected everything about me my well being isn't of anyone's interest To get to the doctors is just as difficult Not any of my children understand the magnitude Because I have no choice but to push myself One day I will push myself to far I have lost thirty pounds And did not see it happen Please the only time I list weight like this was with my breast cancer Because it is on the right side is what scares me My type of cancer loves bone Let it not be cancer I have no will to fight another run I know I need to calm and wait Right Tell that to my brain My body My feel I just don't want to feel All that I am doing is going through the same motions Over and over and over Until there isn't anything left I am left to handle things on my own Something I have done ALL MY LIFE NO MORE PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO GO IT ALONE A frightened woman asks Heavenly Father lift me Hold me Let me feel You in my Body Mind and Soul Please Heavenly Father Please They hurt me and my grandchild over and over again To be this sad and depressed is not how I want to live the rest of the time I am given This is not who I am I am not the person I once was And it HURTS
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