my dear eva, i am so sorry you have had cancer and emphysema on top of all the other problems you are dealing with. but thank goodness you are there for your grandchild and thank goodness you are here for me. i need someone to help me stay strong while i try to deal with my own issues. i will pray that your test results show that everything is fine. you have to be okay and that's that. for your grandchild, me and all the people that you have helped here at NT. you make a positive difference in peoples lives and you matter. i am sending healing prayers and big hugs your way.

My dear sweet friend
Today you are my angel
It is your warm loving words that
help me see I am true to me
And it help you me and anybody going through a tough time
It's one thing to have our own difficulties
It another when others trample on you over and over
when I open my heart home and comfort when one needs it
I know in my heart you understand the sadness I feel
Trying to wake my daughter yesterday
To see Eva playing by herself when checking up on them
Just got a call my youngest nor her father or my eldest know
while in the hospital she was seen by a pulmonary dr
And a call came in from the dr office about a appointment with them tomorrow

NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT THIS
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE
I AM JUST BROKEN
NOBODY EVEN KNOWS
SHE HAS SOMETHING GOING ON
AND NOBODY ASKED QUESTIONS WHEN SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL
BROKEN
I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANY OF THIS
MAKE NO MISTAKE
THIS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN THE CASE IF I WAS INVOLVED
I HAVE GONE THROUGH ENOUGH IN MY LIFETIME OF BEING IN THE HOSPITAL
BROKEN

i hope you're feeling a little better today Eva. i am sorry you are having such a hard time and i hope that today brings some peace and joy to your heart. just wanted you to know i am here if you want talk or just listen. praying for you always.

After a suspicious deduction
And denial for the "early retirement benefit"
I was not only misinformed
But never wanted to give up my job
Having been denied my last request for leave without pay
And someone in the same identical status as I am in
Disease of course not the same her disibility stroke
However because we worked side by side
she hired six months before myself went out on disibility six months after I did
Has the same time put in with the city
Seven years eleven months active
And dismissed without cause
as my status sadly has declined
Point
I was dismissed last year April
I was told I needed ten years of "active" service
How I found out about this was through my friend coworker
Now identical in time
How is it she is eligible
And I am not
I will be entitled to zero when I would be eligible for early retirement age sixty
Zero
I cannot fight this fight
To much time has passed
And I do not even know how to approach it to a lawyer
I am flat out not entitled
I was misinformed by the association administrator
Then not a very good time on the phone with Corissa
My chest is weighted
From the constant lump in my throat
I know
I have no control over many things
I cannot do a thing at this very moment but want to give up
But I know I cannot
I am needed
Just took afternoon meds hope for some quick relief
I cannot begin to tell you how my body is failing me
And I know that the stress I put on myself is all about me not being able to control it
An in the end having to turn it ALL over t Heavenly Father
That is true serenity
I need to let go and let God
I NEED TO LET GO AND LET GOD
so difficult when you see your babies in distress
or headed that way
And I understand they must go through their own V-8 moments
But to see them suffer
And then there is me
I do not have that someone to take care of me and the things I cannot do anymore or wear anymore or watch a movie anymore
or be in a long ride
I think I will stop here
I am hoping for a call
That all I can do
Love
Me
I have learned never to say
"Never say I can't get any worse"
Jeez
In Jesus I trust
In God I believe

It has been some time now since speaking about the DEPLIN I am on
I am going through enormous suffering
And am able to go through the day
I wonder what I would be writing if I weren't on the folate
If I am somewhat at a better place while on the DEPLIN
This I know for certain

The depression is still alive
Not as intense I guess because of the
changes my brain has gone through
and are leveling out
It is still crushing
It is still an emotion I cannot shake
Having to wake early is bothersome
My back is out of control burning
The pain so great
I look at myself and wonder
How much time do I have
As my body continues to fail me
Unable to get anywhere with my family
I think of Sammy
Relate to his feeling as a young person
Worried about the future
Rather than having fun
I was constantly worring
T is a tremendous burden I carried as a child
Protecting my sister
Or so I thought
There is no room
My brain on overload
I am in a frightened state over my child
Who is headed on a heck of a road
I could loose her on this road
I am in need of help
To help her
Her father giving up is not the answer
He needs to step it up and work with me
Not solo towards her
Meanwhile he tells me
I see it wasn't you
Does not make it okay
He needs to step up
I can only pray for her return
That may never happen
And weighs heavy on me
I am forgotten in her invincible world
Until she is alone and frightened
I am scared
And have reason
How can a parent let go of this kind of behavior
I will not
Hoping for a better day
The deep abyss in my gut gone
Replaced by a different kind of fear
Me

praying that you and your daughter will find good health and happiness soon. i understand how hard it is not knowing where they are and if they are ok. i haven't heard from my brother in two weeks. no one has. i am very worried. i can only pray that he will find his way back to health and happiness too. it's hard i know. but there is nothing else that can be done. keep the faith. we have to hold onto hope. love and hugs.

Heavenly Father
Faith all will in the end be
As You see fit
He brought my child back home to me
She wants my guidance and help
She wants to be home with us
Thank you for the support an faith
It is true
It is heard
I do believe
Love
Me

Eva,

Pray this will be productive for both of you. Let her know I care about her. She is "special".


Gerry

I always do
Well wishes
Love
Me

I have story after story after story
Breaking news of the devestation
And this one sick human
Cannot take this and put it on my shoulders
This is a problem for me
I need to be in better control of what I let in my life
I understand this
Telling myself this is a challenge not having all this negative news playing over and over and over again
I have challenges in the relationship with my youngest child
Who could so easily be sucked into the way of this world
I need to help her help herself
A vicious horrible cycle I have to stop
All I can do is talk to my children
All about loving
All about loving
We cannot be afraid
So difficult
We need to pay attention when out in the world
when not home safe
One must live life
And not become ME
love
Me