I do not know this person
Never to even have coffee or would even want to entertain this type of person
The meeting will be in the managements office at her request
It has bed a strange thing to have to deal with
I would never let anybody in my home
I do not associate myself
Not able to get out
I have my daughter and grandchild I am concerned for
Her not allowing me to sleep as her bedroom is above mine
And what I was trying to get across
Is this

It is not okay to live and be awakened at wee hours of the morning because of her mental state
Her retaliation for what ever reason
Maybe having to as her to knock it off twice
And recently called the police
It is a concern
And I am very careful
Your concerns noted
Thank you
She's a nut
Just trying to understand mental disease
and how some behave
Love
Me

Well that's a relief, you are meeting her in the managers office. I misunderstood and thought you were going to arrange to meet with her without anyone else around.

Take your daughter with you if you can, don't go on your own please... Your building management don't sound that responsible either.

You are right about that
I also recorded the disturbance
My daughter will be with me
As she is here and hear the trouble
herself
Thank you for the concerns
Hoping she will stop
We shall see
Love
Me

It was always my right side
Something is not right
The left of my entire neck into my skull
The only headache
My blood pressure 165/102 with a pulse of 112
I am taking my meds as prescribed
No changes
But did hurt myself about a week and a half now
Stretching with my right arm
Wiping the tile wall around the stove especially
Having OCD does not help any
On my left side when reaching to wipe
A shooting pain that began from the base of my left shoulder
Up into my skull
I want to say the feeling was like an electrical shooting bang
Quick and fast
Stopped me in everyway
Trying to nurse it for a week and a half now it is very sore
It has affected my left shoulder and left arm
Life has become progressively harder
My hands turning black and blue after shooting pain in the hands and feet pictures I have for the doctors
Having a new progressive problem
Aortic calcification of my abdomen and a diagnosis of scleroderma
that has now affected my lungs my heart is scary and saddens me having to turn this over
I pray for a miracle
To know the future is bleak in reguards to have to do things myself
And the kind of help I will need
As my spine continues to rot on so many levels
And two neurosurgeon recommendations
The entire spine has just to many things going on
This after first cervical two level fusion failed
Then the second surgery to fix it was botched
May that surgeon never forget me as he takes a knife to another
To be told you will be in a wheelchair down the road is becoming more of a true reality
I have had to accept much in my life
However
My failing body no fault other than genetic letdown
I tell my babies to be careful with their bodies
As a young very strong mother
Having much strength has caught up
Damage done cannot go back and do things differently
Someone at the age of seven
In this country at five
At my fathers side going through the steel trash cans
searching for bottles cans anything that might explode
supers for a 32 family building
Burned the garbage for years in a incinerator
The remaining bottles and cans me and my middle sister
with a wheel barrel took the steel cans to the curb
This three times a week
We made games up as we wheeled each other back into the enormous cellar
Jeez
The buckets of water in old school industrial buckets to mop the four floors
And then the cellar
Fun it was
The product Spic and Span a famous product when I was a child
blows me away
And I never stopped
Things changed as a garbage compactor replaced the incinerator was just as hard if not harder
After living 10 years
My parents purchased their first home
Memories
Just memories now
But I always worked hard alone side my immigrant parents
Tenants were highly impressed how the grounds were kept
OCD NOT JUST I afflicted
But a father that ruled with an iron fist
In his eyes he treated me like the songs never had
Even as a child
I took on much
Made me who I am today
A mother who feared him
Yet never took us out of the situation
She fatally attracted to him
That a memory
But real
So much damage to this body has taken over
Nothing I can do about it
A have a wonderful pulmonary specialist and me general practitioner my first visit he spent two hours with me
You read right two hours
I very much prapared with my records was very interested in my status did not dismiss me or my concerns explained to him I am so tired of going to doctors that do not go to the root the host of the ailment
All the nerves in my spine
That order y body to do what we take for granted is diseased and crushed
Then the additional problems
Just not cool
Not to feel pain of any kind
Is just the way it is
To say I was not careful cleaning the kitchen walls would be a lie
Careful s anyone could be
My body just cannot do it anymore
NOT ANYMORE
bummer I'm only 55
Life ceased at 49
Then my changes
The the cancer and the pill that stopped my estrogen release
Our feel good hormone gone whe I started tamoxifen
Two more years to go
What will happen whenit is time to stop the medication
Will my mind begin to feel good
Stripped of so much in such a short time
And dealing with life
on life terms
And turning my will over is something I pray for every single day
And all the other stuff coming from all sides
I don't want to FEEL
nobody to see the insides as things progress because it is internal pain
My body on the outside does not bleed
Invisible except formy hands and feet
I don't want to think about the future
I am scared even leaning on Heavenly Father

Well I got som stuff out
I am rotting away
And I cannot see a happy future
But I pray for a miracle
And I won't let go of my Heavenly Fathers hand
after doing all I can I won't let go
Through Jesus Christ I pray for relief
And just do
Do what was once an easy task
Now taken away scared

So where do I go from here
You have me wake Heavenly Father
I won't let you down
I have come this far
Not to turn back
I don't want to feel many things
Yet
IT IS WHAT IT IS
and I have to get over it
Love
Me

Just spoke with my baby sister
My mother just returning from her trip to her home land
Hypertension has taken many of my mothers side of the family
Her siblings passing massive heart attack
Today's news my first cousin I met in 1969 and 1972 as my parents were visiting their homeland
My first cousin Imré 51 just passed massive heart attack
51
My entire extended family lives in Europe
My mother myself and my two sisters are the only ones here
Don't know what it is like to have extended blood family around
My mother atrial fibrillation high blood pressure on blood thinners
The main artery along her neck is not holding up and is to dangerous to clear it up as other things are wrapped around it
That is why she is on the blood thinner
51
51
It is prevalent on my mothers side
His only other sibling Marika and very ill father my uncle my mothers brother are the surviving family
We are all here for just a moment in time
Can't we just love one another while we are here
Not when our time comes be missed
What to do
What to think
Love and to loved in return
Is all I wish for
My son has a heart condition at 33
There is an extra electrical charge to his heart that is dangerous
and needs surgery for it
I am just beyond thinking of what is going on with my immidiate family my babies
I know what I feel
I know I need to calm
Stress depression a overly active heart not a good thing
I have to learn not to get upset
Let go and let God
All I wish for is to love and be loved in return
Sad
So sad
Me

It is one thing to have a very tiny family
And having to block them from my life
As to judge another is not their right
To not have a clue of ones circumstances
And just assume they know what is better
To share as I have with my family and friends
Truth I have come to learn upon my own assessment
My time here on earth
My on personal experiences
Having no trust in any relationship
Starting with my parents
Because it all stems from my sick ill parents
Beaten, sexually abused put down never being good enough
For who
For who
I have come this far in life to understand many things
Married once I say is enough
Until I see and observe as the years go by
For the men and women who want sex money your everything
And I smart enough
May it be caution
Knew there is a broken family
Ours
I am responsible for
I not ever taking on someone and bleed them if whatever it is they had to give
And give they wanted
Always at a price
To say I let things happen and not take responsibility
Is just not who I am
Difficult I am not
Misunderstood for sure
But to put up with others and their know it all attitudes is on them
To know I still have two Children under my care my roof
is my priority
My family and friends are done bleeding me of the good person I am
To squash ones spirit for blank and giggles is enough
The TRUTH
the simple TRUTH
A force to be reckoned with
This just my experience amazes me
It has always been about the truth
ie; just looke at our candidates
Lies are of abundance
Prevalent in this families history
no doubt
Understanding I may have my own opinion is not the same as the utter TRUTH
am happy to say because of my experiences from as early as single digit age have seen many many terrible things and knew as a young child something was very WRONG
And I never settled for it
labeled the black sheep of the family
Always asking questions
Always looking for the true heart of it all
Not in this persons life
I unable to be conditioned by my parents
Remembering the lies
So many lies
Just never ever was ME
and thankful not ever allowing my inner spirit to wavier in my quest to better myself for myself and like who I am
This I have achieved
A very bumpy road it was at first and smoothed out as time moved forward
Now as generations have their own views
own views and beliefs
one cannot escape the TRUTH
And IT be the issue in every aspect of our lives
I am not here to hurt anyone or gain anything from doing so
It is not in my nature or makeup
In fact I have had to practice how to be selfish
Something unnatural to me
Not for what it IS
Perfect i know i am not but aware always at my behavior
A doormat I am not
To try and behave in a manner where I am not the cause
of another persons pain or suffering
In stead offering any help I can give to make life easier
for them if possible
I a product of such sadness and hardship because of another's unwillingness to be real my parents
and be kind is not the way of the world
I am humbled to say this much my children know of me
The way of the world today is freighting for the future of my children
They have a much different life then when I grew up
I tell my eighteen year old
If her phone were to crash
So would her world
It has become an appendage
Explained back when I was a youngster
And if I needed to reach anyone I would try to get through a busy line I would have to dial o for operator and explain the importance of getting through a busy line
There aren't any mailboxes on the corner streets
Rarely can you find one
No human to speak to but automated systems
How frustrating to the persons who do not have the capabilities to do so
As my eldest after brain surgery
Not everything is for the better
No human interactions
A disservice to oneself
This is as far as I go
and far as social media is concerned
I chose not to have Facebook
Not interested
Like my eldest said to me not to long ago
My poet has many who follow her wanting to get to know her
One example
When responding to a person interested so he said about her work
opened up conversation with his penis
you all get the picture and point I hope
Many misinterpret what I may try to get across
That is not my problem
However do I or we have to accept what the Internet has to offer
I was doing homework after my botched failed surgery
Getting the answers my doctor tried to excuse away
He was caught in many lies
All impersonal
But true
Befriending someone today on social media is a chance we all take
And voiding those or blocking them and not entertaining their
interest
is a choice
Just with a simple tap of a button
My child has her older siblings who express to her
as they are the millimium babies
and explaining how only decade and a half later
they too may not relate
Having found this site a few years back I have learned to weed out much unnecessary stuff
I have much to offer
And will continue to be real and honest about
Me
And let the rest fall off my shoulders
I have come to find many who I relate to and have had meaningful conversations with
However enough is enough
My mother
Not worthy of that title
For she verbally said she would never have had children
but because my father was to leave her if she wouldn't
And he then be the kind of father he was to me and my sister
Nobody to protect us
My youngest sister spared for she was a baby and ten when he killed himself
And a mother a month after his suicide had her lover move in with his son leaving his wife and four children
I
already gone
left at seventeen
She kicked my two sisters to the curb
And made his children her new family
Again it is what it is
And the truth
It isn't okay
I am sick and tired of the way people are towards each other
And me
And I do not have to take it
And won't
Me

Having come a long long way slowly in life
Especially the last few years
I have come to learn much about who I am and what
kind of a person I am
I have had many things happen not in my control
and have had to acquire the power I was given by my maker
It is a difficult thing to see others have their opinions
much of it that makes no sense
I have come far and know who I am today
Sad I get when having to see yet another doctor
And here too I have the choice to just not go there
Not so easy
In todays world it is difficult to find a doctor that would it seem like the time of day
Having found a doctor who sat with me for two hours
and take my case seriously and is interested in helping me with all that has taken away my quality of life a relief
It does not feel good having to let things roll of my back
As my back carried many of them throughout my lifetime
Even in places I never thaught I needed to
But have
My struggles only I and my maker know
The ones that really matter

Depression a part of my life
As my body does not produce the feel good hormone
Estrogen
stopped by my cancer drug tamoxifen
and add to that environmently depression
something I do have control of
Having to let go of my own flesh and blood
hurts me like no other kind of hurt
But it is something I must do
Want to be in my Heavenly Fathers arms as I look at the future and wonder how the heck am I going to make it
It is very scary
I have come to see who really call themselves my friends
Rather then lift me I am pushed down and I refuse to allow any of that kind of behavior to happen in my life today
I want to live the rest of my waking days happy
I am responsible for my own happiness
Not anybody else
It isn't easy to let go
However when letting go and letting God
Infact it has been my practice every single day
Having to truly let go is the only true serenity I will ever get
Is am responsible for many things in my life
Trying to walk in the path of Jesus Crist has been my comfort
Try not to complain
And am not afraid to keep it real
No I do not sugar coat Any of things that have happened to me in my lifetime
Stripped of much at a early age
And a mother who just won't own up to it
IS ON HER NOT ME
I can put my head on my pillow and not have any ill feeling that I hurt someone
that has never been who I am
I actually had to back down as I think many try to suck me dry and it is my enabling and not even see how far I must go to protect myself from others harm
There is this child inside who has been trying to heal her soul as she is connected to me
A part of me
That child is angry over many horrible things
And now a mother myself
Understanding what it takes to be the best mom I could possibly be to them
is all I can do
and hope they to see that this family lacks much of what it takes to heal
We
a one unit when together
This has hurt us on many levels
having to let go
And pray they get well
My son now in therapy
relieved I am
May he find himself and happiness
My daughter complacent as I am care taker of my grandchild
A great grandmother I have become
It is the hardest thing to watch your child hurt themselves
Truly hurt themselves so they don't have to FEEL
Feelings some say
They are just feelings
Important they are if not resolved
These feelings I experience come in waves
They do not go away until I address it
As it resurfaces over and over again
When the feelings occupy my brain to long it begins to take on in a physical way
Add to that CRONIC PAIN and then you find yourself in a very scary state
Suicide close in this family
My father at the age of forty seven leaving behind a family he destroyed as that little child who only wanted to please
Got crushed and put down and never good enough
I was a great daughter
A awesome sister
Blessed to become a mother of four
I could not relate to the mothers who forget they have children
I WILL NEVER GET IT
and when I practice a term I use just to give an idea of what I must do (be a little SELFISH not hurting anybody doing it)
is the only way I can take care of me
Putting everyone AND everything else first but myself
Now having a disruptive neighbor and not standing for it
will be the end of it
Having a difficult time getting sound sleep
And not respect her fellow tenants
Is on the agenda today
And addict and alcoholic roaming the halls knocking on doors and looking for drugs will stop at my door
Never a dull moment in this persons life
Having to rearrange my buttons so they cannot be pushed
a job it is
I have my daughter who lives with me and my grandchild both who need me
Try to the best of my ability to be the best role model possible be
Crouching down at the level of my grandchild showing her how to handle and problem solve and not get angry or frustrated calmly a change for certain in me
Being a young mother divorced at twenty four forced to return to work and never stopped until I became ill
the terrible surgical outcome and add to that breast cancer having made the decision to remove them finding my lump early and for that surgery to be a botched
was more than I could stand
To not have the help I need
But have learned to let it go
To have my lover care enough to ask
am I hurting you gives me hope in the thought that there is only one man ONE I have known since fourth grade be that concerned not is something I am not used to
Feelings I took with me throughout my entire life was healed
How
Someone was concerned if I was being hurt in anyway
A beautiful feeling when I was asked
And because of the gentle care and thought of my well being allowed me to look at another man and have hope they are as kind and gentle to their loved ones
Not to hurt someone else because one cannot handle it
I had to walk away many time
Only to return to it at the appropriate time and heal those feelings
Never to allow another to steal YOUR power away
Or not ever give your Power away
Something I have learned to do
Difficult it is if one cares about another
I like who I have become
Sad I may be as my body has been depleted of so much including my natural feel good hormone gone
I am sure my children can see this
as they to begin to heal themselves
Something I cannot do for them
Just be there when they need me
Just for now I must distance myself
The so called friends none I can say are truthful
Having to let go of them wasn't difficult but did hurt
and that hurt healed as I hold tight to what is important
Fighting depression not an easy thing to do
but am trying day by day slowly I heal my soul
My physical state I ask my maker to grant me a miracle
or ease my pain as my days in this weather hinders me
the only thing left to help this body
The water the pool
This year the first time unable to do it
I need not push my body when I cannot do
At the end of the day I pray I have done good in the eyes of
Heavenly Fathers eyes
My heart I am responsible for
No more crushing it
No more squeezing everything I have to offer
I will take care of Me first and pray for the others
Selfish it may sound
But I need serenity to be constant
It is my life
I want to live it happy
Wishing the same for others who relate
Me

hi eva. i am so sorry you are having such a tough time and hope that today goes better for you. you deserve to be happy. soft hugs.

holding on for dear LIFE
as life on life terms presents itself
with much sad news
all i can do is work on myself
and my mental state
fragile it is
and aware i am
yet this brain just wonders
all the time
replace it with prayer
i hope for the sake of my grandchild
continue to hold on to my faith and hope
that
one day i can wake
and be surprised with some happy news
until then
hoping
Me

after much going on
she sits in the movie theater
while i make arrangements to get the uniforms
and accessories shoes, underwears, boots, raingear
and on
it wasn't enough
that i arranged to get my grandchild into the school
that Eva would get the best a school has t offer
i am certain she will be recognized for her gifts and talent
above and beyond
this all because i taught her what she knows
she understands addition and subtraction
i pray she will not be held back
as many times third generation in this country
and the children do not speak english
many latino parents feel it is the schools responsibility
to teach them the english language
why do i say this
personal experience
my youngest part latino
has many times been spoken to in hispanic
why
because of her beautiful skin color is mistaken and teachers
just assumed she spoke spanish
and we know when one assumes
you read right
not speak to her in Hungarian but spanish
infact a substitute teacher asked Corissa to do something
the teacher did not believe her
it took another hispanic student to tell the sub
she does not understand
so
here we go again

my daughter relaxing in the theater
after last evening
where is the help
where is she helping herself
so trying to keep it together
HOPE
i am hoping and praying
i can only do what i can do

And I'm so sad
Me