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10-02-2016, 09:44 AM | #371 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
I do not go near her This is why I called the police dept twice last night They were very gracious and heard the audio of this woman above me They explained if they should have to return She will be subjected to a summons I have taken the route to do this by law and protocol And we stay away from her and will never ride the elavator if she is on it I get it But I don't have to put up with it Living here for forty years as she told one of the officers means what That she can behave as she pleases No Won't put up with it I came from a home before moving here Who had the building taken from him he was such a horrible landlord and was found guilty but filled his pockets with loans and never applied it to the building he built and found to have taken many short cuts No insulation no retaining wall windows to small and on and on and on This tells me much if this is her mentality Many who live here for a long time made up their own rules And here comes Eva from a corrupt building into another Only this is a section 8 building and there are many who do not belong here and the going rate to get in is $10,000 that is starting and much more How do I know this Knowing my rights I needed to be put into a two bedroom apt Not a studio with three people And getting the two bedroom Many in the building who I do not know would approach me and ask how much did I pay to get in here and get a two bedroom In addition to that I know two who paid to come in here and were qualified to come into the building Personal experiences Horrible isn't it I have nothing to hide And donot believe such behavior should be allowed I will not be the one to open them can of worms This will happen soon It's catching up to them But I will heed to you warning I am as careful as I can Your a gem Thanks much Feel good Love Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (10-03-2016) |
10-02-2016, 02:13 PM | #372 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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This is how I feel this very moment
I have such a hole on my heart What heart It's shriveled up into nothing but trouble My health is going downhill so fast I just wonder when will my last breath be How much longer Sadness is always standing by to jump in To have to work at being happy sometime in my day is work Happiness is work I am stagnant in everyway possible But my mind This mind of mine just won't quit Constantly talking myself into a better space Looking for love I know my Heavenly Father is with me at all times And he be my true Love He loves me This much I know I am so so unhappy on a level that has zero to do with my family Just life in general Look at our world we call earth So much HATE Where is the LOVE just a snippet of it please Only you k ow Heavenly Father what is wrong with me Only YOU every single day I try my best to be upbeat But I get beaten down No job no love no life to share with another Nobody to hold me and tell me It will be okay Eva I'm here for you Don't worry I haven't had this EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE Under the age of five I was alone Having to take care of everyone else and me Only now I need help I'm so scared Frightened about how if I should breath another ten years What it will be like And then I think of a friend of mine who said one day Eva don't worry about what the future holds till you get to your destination Stay in the moment The moment is bleek and sad I have a nut who is taking away any little sound sleep I can get in away and have to call the police Really this is my life Really I HATE this doomed feeling Try so hard to start my day over and over and over I look forward to the night so I can close my eyes and just drift off only to be awakened by a nut I will not ever take my life Had that happen in already in my family Father checked out at forty seven My feel good hormone gone Can't have a drink to numb me I remember how the first three drinks made me feel It was a good feeling A really good feeling Because I began to let things go and not bother me That's what it did takes it away I HATE being a slave to my F medicines The F doctors half don't know what they are even doing Just give me the money I am young And my health gone All the children and persons living with physical adversities I can't even imagine All I know This isn't a way to live This isn't life What happened to me What the F happened to me Just waiting for that last breath Sad So very sad Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Andy_Pablo (10-02-2016), OhKay (10-03-2016), PurpleFoot721 (10-09-2016), St George 2013 (10-14-2016), tied (11-13-2016), Wiix (05-23-2017) |
10-02-2016, 04:10 PM | #373 | |||
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Member
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So sorry to see you feeling this way. But, "Dont worry Eva. We are all here for you. It will be ok in the end..."
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Credula vitam spes fovet et melius cras fore semper dicit... |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (10-02-2016), OhKay (10-03-2016), PurpleFoot721 (10-09-2016), St George 2013 (10-14-2016) |
10-02-2016, 07:46 PM | #374 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
Nothing has changed since last here This will pass But I just had a breakdown Having my granddaughter Awake me to help her with her stuffy nose brought resentments I don't know if I have any business having She's my grandchild and her mother nowhere to be found in making it better so they could be together And I know that will be a very slim chance at the rate she is going Even if she did get her act together got a place for her and her daughter Eva made it clear not to long ago She doesn't ever want to leave So part time it would be Or is it because I'm not super mom anymore That's what they called me The super is gone You get it Andy Wanting to work be a part of something rewarding My kids say to me You did the most important job ever Raising my four children And have children not mine who remember me I did my very best This I know to be true But to have a place where you engage in adult company Doing something you love And I always worked jobs that worked around raising them and a awesome employee I was complemented many times Not to have that special someone to rub my back when it hurts My feet hands To be held close and for the words to hear Don't worry Everything will be okay I'm here My dog is getting so old Seeing him just put me in a terrible funk If I remember correctly you too have a furry companion I love him so much it hurts And to see him getting old Reminds me of my life His little paws are all mangled like arthritis kicked in his back legs They don't operate the way they did when he was younger he a Australian silky terrier sat in my arms for over an hour licking my face dry as my salty tears stream down my cheeks I don't know It just that feeling one gets in their gut a physical manifestation And it s.u.c.k.s big time It's a terrible mind **** Then our country The world And no one to hold me and tell me It's gonna be alright To not worry how i will do it if it is getting so bad It's just so scary when I let my mind go into overdrive I worry about everything and everyone at my own expense I have to talk to myself and tell myself to knock it off This to myself Yeah I'm on that potty Kicking myself But I tell myself To awake Or be awakened by pain And have a nut who cannot control herself my neighbor above me I don't know In a funk for certain May it be the weather changing Or the lack of hormones Who knows And I wonder When that last breath will come The most precious thing one has until something goes wrong with ones health understands Without it everything is so much harder I so respect persons who trump their disibility they are born with But to have been healthy and it taken away I'm embarrassed to think this way To be born in a debilitating way and just push through it Makes me feel so small ashamed I cry very much in secret I know Heavenly Father knows all Including how I feel Who am I to question He hung from the cross for me and the world I want to give of myself And do not have the ability to contribute as I have You understand I know you feel my words Should I wake I just want to FEEL the happiness Though At the end of the day I must submit it all over to him Truly surrender for it to count Why I feel like this I don't know To know there are a few who get it Is the reason I let loose It's so overwhelming I just want to scream till I loose my voice Thanks Andy Thank you Be well Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Andy_Pablo (10-02-2016), OhKay (10-03-2016), PurpleFoot721 (10-09-2016), St George 2013 (10-14-2016), tied (11-13-2016), Wiix (05-23-2017) |
10-02-2016, 08:13 PM | #375 | |||
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Member
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Yes, I have a little cat called Gabriella... She is a loveable little pain in my backside, but she has helped me a lot...
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Credula vitam spes fovet et melius cras fore semper dicit... |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (10-03-2016), OhKay (10-03-2016), PurpleFoot721 (10-09-2016), St George 2013 (10-14-2016), Wiix (05-23-2017) |
10-03-2016, 05:45 AM | #376 | |||
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Elder
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Wanting to die vs. wanting to take your own life are very different things (I've walked down both paths). It's very common for people to wish for death during times of extreme stress, and you have been through so much my friend
I became disabled from MS at 28, and I feel the same guilt that you do that I'm unable to overcome my handicaps like others can. I want to return to work so badly, but can't. I miss interacting with other people… I am very isolated. I'm married, but there are difficulties, and I often still feel alone. Prior to my disability, I spent my life taking care of others. I understand your occasional feelings of resentment over taking care of your granddaughter. I used to get that way from time to time when caring for my mother. It's a natural response because life is just expecting too much of you I understand a life with constant pain, although I have chosen not to take pain meds. I think you likely suffer more than I do, and I know it's difficult for you to have to take pain meds with your history of alcoholism. None of these things are easy, they are just a couple of the issues that you are facing, and I know that your past still follows you I wish that the burdens you carry were lighter, and that your physical and emotional pain would go away I am so proud of you for making your sobriety a priority despite all the challenges you face, and I am happy that you find comfort in your faith in God |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | bizi (10-03-2016), bluesfan (05-25-2017), eva5667faliure (10-03-2016), ger715 (10-14-2016), PamelaJune (10-05-2016), PurpleFoot721 (10-09-2016), St George 2013 (10-14-2016) |
10-03-2016, 08:18 AM | #377 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
It is with much sadness I I write such horrible stuff Your response hit every note You are right And I just have to keep on trucking So sorry you have times you too feel alone Or is it lonly I have a good heart One that gone through the ringer To have someone turn away for whatever reason they may come up with saddens me Really I think that is worse I have been alone by choice Maybe a little to cautious on my part Couldn't imagine another person coming into my children's lives Having a dad like I did I could and would have killed for my babies And I have Any disabling problem We share the feeling that drape over us You are kind And understand my soberiety It is the one constant in my life And you notice that My family on the other hand seem to have forgotten it would be so much easier with a drink But that would just make me numb out of control because that's what happens easier But instead I have Thank you for seeing it Made the choice every single day not to pick up Because I was a functioning alcoholic Actually it was at the end of my waitress career my drinking got out of control At my job My night cap Before I went home Thank God I haven't physically harmed my babies I did a number on their psyche Still in healing mode Made good on my promise I will never kill myself Nor pick up a drink I am not a pill person In fact I get so sick It too a long time to find something that helped Guess what drug that is The worse ever OxyContin I take two a day 60mg tablets One at 6:30 in morning with the other bunch And again at night by 7:00P.M. In the morning in addition I take a 5mg oxycodone fast acting I take it with a hot cup of coffee Hoping for it to get into my blood stream to my brain and block it The nausea is constant Have some help with holistic remedy just became legal But cannot afford it Not much needed But a god send Zofran a anti nausea prescribed Zero affect Until an I found something that works And has been around never to have killed anyone Can impair but never die from Actually being taken very seriously Can be a gateway make no mistake For those who aren't addicts of any form As there are many forms I can be a gateway Experience So yup It s.u.c.k.s. How quick doctors push pills All my doctors know of my recovery Especially my pain specialist I have been with him from the very beginning Watched my Corissa go from early grammer school into a young woman He drives my train In addition to him My oncologist Pulmonary and PCP OBGYN Eye due Teeth due Doing everything to stay alive And take care of me I have to take care of ME tired I guess My halter goes on Wednesday Rather then today Oncologist is a few blocks away changed appointment To Wednesday So will do that So sick of doctors And I will need a cardiologist Had one for about seven years I'm just going on Fired him because of staff And another doctor my shrink of seven years Twice He had a hard time letting him go He was a pill pusher Why I say this When I found out about my mutation And that I needed a script for the product called Deplin I take the top dose 15mg It's what I will refer to as a mega vitamin And having been out on soooooo many antidepressants and refused to give insurance company a profile of my history with the meds he prescribed None ever working in fact put me into a very bad place That dark place And then the withdrawals So when he challenged my desire to start Deplin And how not having it in my system any and all antidepressants will NOT work Fired There are the two oaths you speak of having walked both myself You are right And you listened And you hit it right on Andy understanding Wanting to be a part of the world I think to myself How many times I want to read to children Or help and elderly by cooking for them and storing some in their freezer I did this and still do when I can May it be soup Pasta sauce You get the picture Called the school informing them of Eva's cold and fever Not time yet contagious As it has begun to hit me late last night My throat not that bad now Neighbor was quiet after 11:00 Anyhow So comforting To have some who care enough to hold me up Who have followed my life story And have some who relate You help me understand something And I'm so sorry you are treated differently too by the ones who say they love UNCONDITIONALLY How much more painful it must be to have that one you could hear them words Don't worry I'm right here I'm not going anywhere You can count in me To have taken the vows Two become one You have made me see things just a bit differently that is a big deal when having that other I speak of having It must feel absolutely terrible Terrible Do I say thank you for that No I'm sorry YOU are going through that And thank you for sharing it Hanging on with my faith And believing Heavenly Father Will see to it All Thank you for the love Thank you My eldest baby now thirty five Also disabled with horrible seizures We went through so much she was twenty two when she had her first seizure Blind in right eye After removal of occipital lobe It's the right eye That was suppose to be the trade off Wasn't a successful High hopes One day we will all be happy She has her high school sweetheart Married at times he too forgets So thank you for helping look at something differently And will pray your partner will find their way back into your life with a better understanding All that has happened was out of our control Feel my hug Love Mr
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"Thanks for this!" says: | OhKay (10-05-2016), St George 2013 (10-14-2016) |
10-03-2016, 07:10 PM | #378 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Do I allow myself to get hurt
It's the same thing over and over again And there is one thing I look for that means most to me and that is honesty I do not know my child It is a terrible thing how I'm reduced to texting her She doesn't hear mi call it being plugged in You know the ear phone It's terrible It truly a problem This generation of children are so disconnected to what really matters And until she learns that she will never understand She speaks to me with such disrespect With such a fresh tone And all I have ever done was always be where ever she needed me I created this I am the only one who can stop it I am so not appreciated So unhappy when it is just one sided so impersonal No conversation only when she wants to And it's always a crises It's me My own fault I have to stop it When one gets treated in such a manner One begins to thing Who cares It doesn't matter anymore Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (10-03-2016) |
10-04-2016, 06:38 AM | #379 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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We are all sick with a cold
Eva will be home yet another day It took a turn for the better a bit yesterday By end if evening a fever If returns again in the next 24hours I will have to take her to the doctors The weather not doing me any favors My entire upper right quarter is just so bad The burn with the pain My skin is on fire Yet there is a direct spot I can point to where it hurts the most and that where it all began Took my meds at 7:00 as usual with my coffee Waiting for it to wash over my body It's just horrible Oncologist and halter monitor Hope she gets better today Going through the motions Do my usual meditation hoping to empower myself enough with the Book that comforts me with its words Everyday something new And almost 100% of the time it's exactly what I need to hear I know Heavenly Father listens Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (10-04-2016) |
10-04-2016, 07:18 AM | #380 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Awakened with that doomed feeling I haven't felt for a good number of months
That feel good moment when starting Deplin This I'm sure is situational triggers of my mortality going where I should be at this stage at least Having made a decision not to get involved with any other man and raise my babies This was a conscious choice at 24 And I followed through Not to have that I could wait for as I thought I was still young I will have my time allowing that someone in my life That wasn't in the cards I live the woman side of life And kept my children away from "them" Not yet Having to turn men away that wanted to take care of me and my babies This I did do And when I thought I did what I needed to Raise them to be responsible young adults It would be my time I have my good long time brief companion That fills a small void Cannot have him in my life regularly Divorced he is one child We get together ever couple of months And time is rolling on by I am feeling very lonly Very lonly Have been awakened at how persons are really And that happened over night One moment to the next Forever changed Not anybody to hold like I imagined after I did my job raising them Not happening And I'm not interested in the kind where a woman is expected to put themself out and put out Just look into my eyes and tell me what you see Me Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | OhKay (10-05-2016), St George 2013 (10-14-2016) |
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