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02-06-2015, 05:44 PM | #31 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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no sense talking about that
when me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | ger715 (02-06-2015) |
02-09-2015, 01:18 AM | #32 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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all remains the same
and the explanations make no sense i have no desire to get me going me
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02-14-2015, 01:49 PM | #33 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I have so many thoughts that go thru this very very sick yet educated myself with my life lessons
and less thank a week i woke up with the feeling i have to get ready for work my routine changed in a moments rest before getting in the shower as everyone slept ONLY i eventually and quickly realized i have no place to go this is what i have been trying to explain until it came to me last week my eldest daughter expressed to me how i shouldn't have had any children maybe i shouldn't have been born not the case where do i put that crazy i'm not out spoken i could be i am not in any good way so many things terrible things going on and all of it out of my hands my not wanting to feel is a constant what was going through my mind until she rang the doorbell at 12:30 in the morning not hearing from her all day because she bailed him out in my mind she was chopped up her body parts scattered no teeth hands or feet this is what was on my mind yesterday evening i ask anyone how does this mind go there this is nuts am i nuts depression evil thoughts all unwanted to be held and told it will be just fine rest get better and don't worry i'll take care of things for a bit my dream that's all it is tired of all my heart a stone tired of hearing i still hear a fight in you done me
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someone who cares eva |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | Lara (02-15-2015) |
02-14-2015, 04:29 PM | #34 | |||
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Magnate
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When our mind is Dark, our thoughts easily turn to the Dark and Twisted, no matter how much we fight. We are vulnerable to our inner weaknesses, I offer no solution to this - I have little for myself.
However, you have the inner strength of your loving Faith to draw on. You have the outer strength of your Friends here, loving and willing for you to improve, to feel some respite. Let those strengths support you through the days and nights. Dave. |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (02-14-2015), Lara (02-15-2015) |
02-14-2015, 11:24 PM | #35 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
I have you and so many others here Who love me and keep me going as i am near giving up I am tired of everything I have you and others keeping me Afloat Afloat Amen
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someone who cares eva |
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02-15-2015, 01:25 AM | #36 | |||
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Legendary
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Dear Eva,
Regarding what your daughter said to you... please try to remember that sometimes children, even grown up children, say things out of their own pain that hurts us deeply. Then again sometimes they just say things for a reaction I guess. Sometimes they need a bit of tough love. Straight talk! It's not right how some treat those that love them the most. You're in a very deep hole of a depression there at the moment. I'm not sure I've ever seen you so sad and in so much obvious pain. Apart from everything that's going on there at home for so long that is so complicated, it appears you have been left in a position of being responsible for so many despite your serious medical problems and subsequent treatments. I wonder if everyone just expects you to cope with it all because they can't, or is it that they know and expect you to be able to deal with everything because that's what you always have done. It's a bit different now. Things have changed for you somewhat with illness and time and changes and now it's really you who are the one needing the support. I remember you talking on one of the threads about medications. I would have to wonder if some medications that you have been prescribed are perhaps not a good mix and if this is making you feel worse right now? Considering all that you have been through, especially in the last couple of years, you have to remember that you are strong. You are strong and you will get through this period of time. You've done it before and you can do it again and if it feels too bad, please call for help. |
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02-15-2015, 08:51 AM | #37 | |||
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Magnate
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Dear Eva,
While I had my short break I had the chance to see my Medical Records and found - unbeknownst to me - I was diagnosed with Depressive Personality Disorder in '89. I read up on this 'controversial' Psychiciatric diagnosis and now understand that - in some of us - our brain chemistry makes us more likely to become severely Depressed. Perhaps your brain chemistry is similar to mine. The Depression is still there to deal with, caused by our pain, our inability to be able to DO, the way we are seen and treated… BUT, analytically, IT'S NOT OUR FAULT! We cannot control the brain chemistry we were born with any more than we can control the colour of our eyes. Our Depression feeds on itself, we give it power over us in our inability to break free. Accept our brains are different and take a little piece of relief in that. Dave. |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (02-15-2015) |
02-15-2015, 02:47 PM | #38 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
you have certainly been paying close attention thank you for being real to be brutally honest i do this hoping others will talk i have never be in a state of depression that tugs at me to just do away with myself i have learned that my culture will take their own life to inflict harm an sadness this my father did for sure i know my mental issues were living in this body when i saw my father rape my birth parent under the age of five clearly vivid frighted me (mother) to the core as i remember so much more when living in South Africa where i and my sister were born my first attempt to kill myself i opened the Bible said to God speak to me randomly opened it Psalm 6 verse 6 and decided to hang around until now watching Mass this morning the message seemed to be just for me to hear though certain many felt the same i don't know when my depression took over BUT IT IS HERE with a vengeance it has been a while now and i must talk about it for its grip is solid as the sermon message was "stop making excuses" and as much as the pain turn to anger turn to blame turn to i don't want to go anywhere yes Lara i was that kick butt mom until i became ill physically this is what i do something needs fixing i am the go to person come to think of it i have been the go to person since as tiny as i can remember So God, strike me if what i say isn't the truth i have had many adversities in my life some i brought on myself i don't understand with everything that a woman goes through just on a monthly basis until our menses stops as child bearing years should be over am i disappointed sadly as i have made adult decisions for the better of my families mental health and survival whatever the status might have been in the past I KNOW i put my children first even before my drinking would start no missed doctors as they grew dentist, glasses overall yearly well check not to have anyone to teach me of the importance but i knew and then they grew with much knowledge i passed on to them and then they grew even more mentally gave them as best i could the understanding there IS something greater then us God a foundation a beginning to an end i do not want to go on anymore not anything i believe my children understand as they to tried one by one it is only now for some Godly reason i have no desire my sadness indescribable i have been weaned off Zoloft as i was unable to handle the side effects from the femra back to tamoxifen Zoloft lessens the effectiveness of my cancer drug so Lara my brain is not right with all these changes just the drugs themselves then you bet they think i can manage with what is at hand and i can't Lara i can't without hurting i want out of my own head and there is only one way that can happen shut all the lights out what good am i i have reached my threshold just call my child in asked her if outside my room the house is in order she says yes i say okay i'll come and see she says please don't come out i wanted to tell her i don't ever want to come out but i didn't she has her own issues at almost seventeen where can i help when i am in a Devils hole i cannot even take myself to a hospital to take care of me my grandchild needs me to be okay or she will be taken my body for the most part dictates what the day will be like then the brain always there and always conscious of how i can or can't be a part of the world and that world was my immediate family now i come to you and this place of others who have helped by reading about what has happened to them physically oh the remorse i have for a man i trusted with my body failed me and never respected his oath never to harm so Lara i am at the end of the tunnel the light has turned to amber chips that have given there all i was to late just to darn late and worn today Gods word i am not to make any excuses i just will be just be i send you much love holding just holding me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 02-15-2015 at 05:57 PM. |
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02-15-2015, 02:55 PM | #39 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
i am in hope such as reading what you shared HELLO MENTAL HEALTH I SAID HELLO ANYBODY, ANYBODY ANYBODY THERE WHO IS NOT BEING HEARD I AM SO SORRY i am here me
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02-16-2015, 12:00 PM | #40 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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i have to also let you know
as the country is not serious about mental illness add to that physical ailments the kind like you say invisible to another other than my bloody pain and i find myself talking in a excuse like manner never wanting to go there my depression without a doubt a collective intrusion i want so badly NOT to feel like this i am now on my way to apply for medical insurance for my sixteen year old and granddaughter appointment has been made will return and pick up where i left off much love to the world i am ill this much i know i have family with me there is no option me
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