doctors are leaving there practice
Since losing my private insurance from a job i could not return to and becoming a SSDI recipient has been a enormous challenge
I have tried and tried and tried and tried till there wasn't anything
left
The inept education on the other end of the phone who cannot answer any of my questions
This is year two having to apply for food stamps submitting all necessary documents and questions answered but year two again THEY royally screwed up once again
One letter comes in saying we are approved
And another that followed by one day as per post mark claim THEY DID NOT RECEIVE the recertification application I returned the requested documentation made sure i dotted my I's and crossed my T's then i immediately made a copy of the application with the date sentence sent it out quickly yet the response I get is if I do not fill out said application it will be terminated
Just like that
Will be calling agency tomorrow
And pray this will be rectified in a speedy manner

What the **** is going o
I have zero
Nothing to take care of my child my grandchild
It is scary
My previous place of employment refusing to give me what is rightfully mine
And here I am
Trying to keep it ALL TOGETHER
There is nobody on a professional as far as mental health i will not put myself in a system that doesn't know if they are coming or going
A system so broken
I fear the future
How my place of employment is refusing me a "early retirement pension" BASED ON TERMINOLOGY
I YET TO HEAR FROM THE PENSION DEPARTMENT
I am scared
Very scared
I cannot find a doctor for myself
The system S.U.C.K.S.
Many things are falling apart
What to do

Having so much to deal with
Is more than I ever imagined in my life
All a new again
May our health insurance look better sooner than later
Optimistic I am
Empowered I am
In Christ Jesus who wraps his arms around me
when at my lowest
Pulled out of the abyss over and over and over again
A family I am responsible for
A family who needs me now more than ever
My relationship with my eldest on a higher plane
I am in love with my babies
Babies no more
But will always be my babies
Together we will be soon again
Our dogs ashes were taken care of and will be near
Oh how I miss him
It gets harder and harder as time goes on
But find it in me to still put one foot in front of the other
Home bound
As this body has a mind of its own
Painful it is to the point of getting sick
Hard to keep food down
Swallowing a issue
Blood pressure still not under control
Prays meditation breathing and stretch as best I can
No life outside from home
Phone is my contact in the world
No I don't want to feel anymore
For it is not a way I would entertain relief
That is not an option
So one day at a time
And calling upon my protector
I will survive
Till my last breath
Me

I have never had problems with anyone in the building I love in
I live with a very disturbed person above me
It is five years I am in this building
Police have been called out all hours of the morning
She is not well and I have educated myself about the rules of the building
I have evidence recordings and the awaited reports from the police station to submit to management and enforce them to do their job
I have contacted the the proper authorities and building management and Office of Fair Housing Equal Opportunity
A few days ago receiving a call from them and will help me in the situation
I am tired of holding those who are responsible to take action
I came from a building that was in the end taken away from the owner to be
It took ten years of my life
I have made a difference in this world
Only I am sick now
I need my rest
At 4:40 this morning awakened called the authorities
When they came as they have come in the past were gracious
Listened to the audio of the noise disturbance that showed date and time
There are several recordings of her irrational behavior
Have found her at my door on two occasions
All the above in the hands of management
This is how my morning started
And will do all I can to make her stop
It is out of control
I do not trust management for personal reasons
Upon moving I was approached by several people who live in my building and the questions that were asked of me by the tenants
"How much money did you pay to get in this building"
The other question is
"How did you get into a two bedroom apartment"
My car has been vandalized upon asking for a handicap spot
Submitted all required documentations with my plaque
Camara that would show who keyed my car was not available according to management
This told me enough to keep an eye on them closely
Just another thing on my plate
My Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father the Holy Spirit
keep me strong while taking on possible changes
May this be the task at hand for many who live here in fear
One day at a time
Body broken and tired
My mind constantly working
Awaiting reports form all the times I had to call the police to ask her to knock it off
We had two meetings with management
After the second meeting that night I had to call the police again
Only now incriminating herself by leaving a note at my door
Stating
"I apologize and don't blame you for call the police"
Enough already
Limited sleep I do not have to express how important it is for a sick body
Not to mention my mind
Never ending
May I be used to make a difference
Don't want to feel anymore
Amen

Stripped of a way of life I still hold on to apparently
Having to clean up the mess tiny metal flecks having to saw through a metal entrance door
Two large gashes in my floor I had put down when moving in
Just cried the entire time
My OCD kicked in big time
And they aren't done yet
Awakened again at three with a thump that seemed to be like a bowling ball
Letter to be sent to the above tenant
As I was assured by management
Allowing me to see it
I hope this will put an end to her
Lets call it a tick
As she apparently isn't well
It is so out of control
My blood pressure 169/100
And am on BP meds
My mind
My mind
To calm my mind
So want to shut it down
So don't want to feel anymore
So badly don't want to feel anymore
Yet I have a reason for existing
I will never kill myself as I still wonder
What was he feeling when he took his life at 47
I can't imagine to pain sorrow sadness whatever
I will never know
But this I know for sure
If I can put one foot in front of the other
And make it through the day
I pray my children will too
I have a broken body
That reminds me every moment of my day
It shouldn't be like this
But it is
So with a prayer and hope
I manage to make it to put my head on my pillow to sleep
And then only to be awakened in a very bad way
May Jesus Christ wrap his arms around me
and fill my Spirit with calm
Heavenly Father the Holy Spirit
Come into my being
In Jesus name
Amen
Me

My depression
A factor of many reasons
Given up anymore trials to the antidepressants
As none took care of the problem
But actually made the matter worse
And then the withdrawals
No more
So this morning I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude
A love for an animal who is in doggy heaven
Awaiting my Spirit to join him
By for now
The joy that my family wants to be in my presence is a big deal
My children my sister
My daughter who left rehab again
My youngest learning some life lessons that do not change even with social media
Relationship is based on honesty
Now she suffers the consequence
The one thing that means more than anything
Is being honest
She came clean
And is hurting
But understands the lesson
Proud I am of her
To think of my childhood at the holiday times
My father having card games that started on a Friday night into to wee hours of into early Monday morning to go to work
The baking
The sled rides in the chapel yard next to our home that had an awesome hill
The decorations
On the Christmas tree
The Hungarian traditions would put holiday candy on the tree
My baby sister was my responsibility
My crazy wacky loving middle sister taught me how to smoke
Got so sick
Oh how grateful my family wants to be together to WANT to BE TOGETHER
My baby sister
My eldest daughter and husband her high school sweetheart making the dinner
Their significant love ones with them
Corissa with her older siblings
My granddaughter who is just precious
Will have mommy there who left the program
But now can spend and do the holiday homework
Very simple for my granddaughter
Her first kindergarten report card show how very advanced she is
and it turns out her favorite subject is science
Just so happens to be mine
I have this feeling of warmth my lineage after me are coming together
A surprised due me from my boy as I'm told
My eldest who has been calling once a day just to see how thing are
And she misses talking to her mommy
This will be branded into Eva's memory
She is at an age that is so very important for happy good memories
How they form us
I began to speak with Heavenly Father
Not understanding why I must go through the diversities throughout my life time
And can see now it made me who I am today
And trust in the purpose it will all make sense in the end
In all my adversities I get it
And the tears I shed are happy ones
Overwhelmed of the idea my babies adults now will surround me and gift me with their presence feels so wonderful
So very sad my daughter could not follow through
Until the next try
With a prayer and hope she keeps trying
To call upon the Holy Spirit Jesus Christ Heavenly Father
and the angels to protect this family and to please protect them as they go through their journey in life and look to YOU FOR THE ANSWERS
I give thanks to our loving father
And wait let him take over
I'm never alone
Thank you Jesus
Grateful I am
Amen
Me

Just got off the phone with my baby sister
My mother has been put on Paxil in the last four days
And it wasn't the Xanax withdrawal
She was taken off Paxil this drug took four days from her
She could have done so much damage to herself and others
She has no memory of the past four days
The er doctor released her with .25 mg Xanax
My sister took off work for the rest of the week
Stayed in bed with her
At some point my sister administered her meds with the Xanax and she slept through the night
Awoke to no memory er doctor said she was having a reaction to the Paxil
I'm f'in had it with the doctors
She cannot take antidepressants
You go into the er and tell them about the mutation
As my er experience
He had NO CLUE WHAT "MTHFR DNA MUTATION WAS"
I was educating him
Since finding the mutation a year now
I only came across ONE doctor ONE it was my daughters
OBGYN
ONE
and more than 50% of the population suffers from the depletion of folate their entire life
My jaw just hanging
Sure why don't you just kill her
I'm sick of it all
May health and good change be in our future
So many addicted
AND THE SMART duff doctors JUST WON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
again personal experiences not just once twice more than two dozen just in my case since becoming ill at 49 years old
And old this body feels
Broken
And I stay sober
It would only take three drinks
And ALL the pain GONE
but I would lose all I worked for
A better life on life terms
I don't understand
But I carry my cross
Let me carry it without whining
When the weather is as it has been rainy
I'm good for nothing
But I WILL put one foot in front of the other
And just do
Hoping with a prayer You are holding me tight
And never let me go
Amen

May all sentient beings be well...

As well wishes go out
Dispite differences
Honoring a request
Not recognized is more
then whatever it may be
I have no desire to know
And have a kind heart to offer
It's similar to how my mother has been
married for three years and is now living with her third husband she divorced
Having to understand when one needs another and not understand there just might be a problem
As for my ill father and a mother who looked the other way
for her fear of losing her man
Sad
When one hasn't a clue
How so very hard it is was in my addict times
Many years put behind me
And that was the easy part
The hard part was tending to our character defects
This is always in the works
Brutally honest
Is who I am
Careful not to be hurtful
So with hope and a prayer
I accept your decline and will never
contact again
To those who get me
It's on
Peace and Love to the
World
Love
Me

He was young
47
Can't help but wonder
How badly was he feeling
To just do it
I tell my kids
If I have to fight this as they know me completely
No secrets
And have come together
How do I help my babies
Keep it real
No lies
Won't ever give up
Ever
I pray the pain disappear
Today my doctor will give me a injection in the back of my neck
It's been years
It was tempory relief
He tells me my nerve is being impinged and very angry and inflamed
Looking for some relief
Especially when at my daughter and hubby
The entire family together
Yeah hoping for relief
His birthday
Do many years ago
Gone
Me