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i don't want to feel anymore

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Old 02-05-2017, 08:03 AM   #411
eva5667faliure
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Location: new jersey
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My Mood: i don't want to feel anymore
Default Having to mend this body

My OBGYN looking into doctors he knows
Having the insurance I now have
DOSENT get me far
But I fight all the way through
And hold them accountable
I'm sure it has been figured out
I have no problem when I have personally gone through something will not hold this tongue
Doctors who stood before me and dropped their heads in shame
To have been lied to buy the reconstructive doctor
What my OBGYN isn't hearing
If he finds me a really good doctor
I will have them taken out
And I want to have a symmetrical look
A flat chest
Only with a clean look
Does this make sense
Waiting for a happy feeling moment with this very broken body
L4L5 hurt so badly
Won't even even talk about my neck and shoulders
The muscles in my body gone
This beautiful body lost all its muscle
Because I have been walking with a cane for the past five years
the muscle in on calf is thinner than the other
My head still keeping it afloat
Having so many situations going on at once
Am I coming or going
I am so tired of the doctors
My lungs hurt
I woke up sometime last week
And my tongue hurt
You read right
I'm like
What the ****
my tongue
It lasted for two days
I brutal on my mouth
Having all my teeth
And one cavity in my lifetime
I brush at my tongue
Sometimes a bit to hard
Maybe it be the cause
What a weird feeling
Amazed at what the body can produce
Just like that
So
Taking all one moment at a time
Hoping to feel mentally better now
OFF THE TAMOXIFEN
we shall see
We shall see
Me
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Old 03-05-2017, 08:03 AM   #412
eva5667faliure
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Default Finding my own happiness

I need to let go
I need to say STOP
I need God to push me around a bit
I can't do it all
And I get no help
And this woman has been the rock for this family as far back as I can remember
It is time for me to laugh smile be happy
Not to worry worry and tell my children to stop
A time has come when enough is enough
Being pull in all directions go others and loosing myself
is not what I want to allow anymore
I need to not pick up the phone
I need not to help them figure things out for them
They all have their own journey so let them be Eva
Let them not dump on me when crap hits the fan
This is my life
The one life on this earth
As my body rots I must feed my spirit and continue to take care of me and MIT let others hurt or take my happiness from me
I need to make me first after praising my Heavenly Father
I need to laugh I miss laughing
I need positive energy in my life
With Jesus Christ my constant everything
I have no true support I know I need
And it hurts my feelings I can be forgotten that quickly
My baby sister who has become my rock
We both call upon Jesus Christ and accept what is put before us an leave the rest behind
Happiness is my goal to laugh
A huge belly laugh
That would last and last can be a good thing
Laughing my medicine
I am responsible in what I let in my life
No more depression
I will take what Heavenly Father has in store for me
I will try and do things with laughter
I miss laughing
Where did it go
Where is that hard core belly laugh
I have to capture it back
I will let the doctors do their crane I will try and bring laughter back into my life
One way or another
The spring weather is here
It feel awesome to watch the world tilt and watch the sun get closer and closer
To all who know me
I wish you all a belly laugh in your day
I will get what I need when I let go of the garbage
Not only mine but my families garbage
Enough already
Enough
No more dumping your problems on my lap and think its
"My job"
Done with this strategy that does not work
Because they still want to do things their own way
Until they throw in the towel and understand they cannot get sober alone
I have to step back and not get tangled in their chaos
And not take on any help until they work on themselves
It is so painful to watch
So I have decided to not be involved physically either
Out if sight out of mind to a point
But I must for me
And my own happiness
Happiness laughter love and be loved in return
Accept I must take this road alone
I will
I will push myself into a new way to start my very painful mornings
I cannot count on them
I must let this set in
I have me my Heavenly Father
The man we know as Jesus Christ sent in his image for our sins and debt in full
As this body get older may my spirit increase in strength to get younger in spirit is to get closer I get to be with Heavenly Father
This is for sure the way I want to live my life as it comes closer to and closer to a youthful spirit be what I achieve
I am going to work on my happiness and to put that smile on my face
No more sadness
No more bad news
No more sitting on the potty
May depression be trumped by happiness and laughter
Laughter
For us all
Blessings to us all
Amen
Me
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Old 03-06-2017, 09:41 AM   #413
eva5667faliure
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Default It is felt

Not ready to talk to him
He
My son asks
Or senses I'm distant
I told him he was right
And that I needed to get my thoughts together
before we talk
It's felt
Me
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Old 03-12-2017, 12:36 PM   #414
eva5667faliure
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Default Heart ache

It really can feel all the emotions we go through
When sadness is around as much as it is around here
It's tough keeping a chin up
Constant sadness takes on a toll physically I fight it everyday with the help of Heavenly Father
So much sadness
Must find things to do for me
Much love and happiness pours out of my grandchild
Will attempt a project
She is joy in everyday
And the best time is when she comes in my room every night to say our prayers
The Lord's Prayer and then the Hail Mary in the order she wants
We hold each others hand and close our eyes
Awesomeness
To find my happiness
My worries with my grown onesie hard
All I can do is pray they too find Jesus Christ
Amen
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Old 03-21-2017, 01:32 AM   #415
RSD ME
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My Mood: i don't want to feel anymore
Default

Hi Eva. Hope you're doing better today. I haven't been on the forum too much lately because of my poor health. But I'm feeling a little better an wanted to let you know that I"ve missed all of you so much and hope you're doing well. Hugs from your forever friend.
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GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY
TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
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Old 03-21-2017, 01:35 PM   #416
eva5667faliure
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Default Warm soft hugs

Back to you
Thanks for reaching out
It is so good to hear from you
Loving empowering hugs in return
Me
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