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Old 06-07-2017, 04:32 PM #461
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Dear Eva, you are such a strong woman, despite our infirmities we, you and me, just crack on. There is a reason others turn to us in their time of need, and those that expect us to continue to be "just us"! We feel this feeling inside and it builds as those around us blithely carry on in life treating us we once were. The difference we are noticing is not their behaviour, it is ours. They have not changed their ways, they have always been selfish & manipulative but we were so busy being consumed with getting on with life we didn't take time out of our day to let them know their behaviour is unacceptable. So here we are, now in our prime, and we've been dealt a cruddy hand. Our bodies are failing, our minds are not. Now we see with open eyes and hear loud and clear the shortcomings we (in love) kindly overlooked.

It will not, and is not selfish to look after yourself first. Think of it as a kindness, better they learn now to look after themselves and each other while we are still around to give them kind yet firm guidance. Yes, you may have said hurtful words, but they are just words, not swords, it seems those around us have very thick skins, I doubt our words pierce them, it is only us who suffer with guilt after, they have already moved on.

I'm trying a new tack. For everything anyone does for me, I use simple words.
Thank you for your kindness. How thoughtful of you. I've stopped doing the small things which assembled building blocks & stairways to anger in my mind. I don't get up at 4 and feed the dogs, the alarm goes off and I hit snooze, twice sometimes three. I haven't fed the dogs for a week. But they are being fed, to begin with there was a duplicate snooze button going off. Now it's just my own. That warm body lying beside me is up and out of the bed as soon as the alarm goes off. Needs must - my needs!!

So dear Eva, be selfish and know it's not selfishness but a kindness after all. The old saying you have to be cruel to be kind, comes to mind. Only we are not cruel, just selfless.
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Old 06-07-2017, 05:04 PM #462
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PamelaJune View Post
Dear Eva, you are such a strong woman, despite our infirmities we, you and me, just crack on. There is a reason others turn to us in their time of need, and those that expect us to continue to be "just us"! We feel this feeling inside and it builds as those around us blithely carry on in life treating us we once were. The difference we are noticing is not their behaviour, it is ours. They have not changed their ways, they have always been selfish & manipulative but we were so busy being consumed with getting on with life we didn't take time out of our day to let them know their behaviour is unacceptable. So here we are, now in our prime, and we've been dealt a cruddy hand. Our bodies are failing, our minds are not. Now we see with open eyes and hear loud and clear the shortcomings we (in love) kindly overlooked.

It will not, and is not selfish to look after yourself first. Think of it as a kindness, better they learn now to look after themselves and each other while we are still around to give them kind yet firm guidance. Yes, you may have said hurtful words, but they are just words, not swords, it seems those around us have very thick skins, I doubt our words pierce them, it is only us who suffer with guilt after, they have already moved on.

I'm trying a new tack. For everything anyone does for me, I use simple words.
Thank you for your kindness. How thoughtful of you. I've stopped doing the small things which assembled building blocks & stairways to anger in my mind. I don't get up at 4 and feed the dogs, the alarm goes off and I hit snooze, twice sometimes three. I haven't fed the dogs for a week. But they are being fed, to begin with their was a duplicate snooze button going off. Now it's just my own. That warm body lying beside me is up and out of the bed as soon as the alarm goes off. Needs must - my needs!!

So dear Eva, be selfish and know it's not selfishness but a kindness after all. The old saying you have to be cruel to be kind, comes to mind. Only we are not cruel, just selfless.
You beautiful warms soul
I need you to know
I have taught myself
Not to respond especially with any horrible words
In return
They cannot say o went there
I do however say things and do not follow through
Giving once again the benifit to a possible change
And I then tell them I need you to remove yourself from my life right now
I am being pulled down with the negativeness that lingers on for way to long
What I have done was block them
Not allowing them to her me or my grandchild to hurt
I will share with you
My granddaughter returned home Saturday after the father said horrible things to her
Crying at my door before running into my arms
She blurts out
Daddy said I'm the most boring child on the whole wide world
I was crushed
Brought me back to when o was a little girl and what my father and mother would say
And I'll leave it at that
I SO WILL take care of me and protect Eva
You are so on the money when you say
It is exactly how you said it
It is how I react
So on point
Thanks for reminding me
Love
Me
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Old 06-08-2017, 01:16 AM #463
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I'm so sad in today's day and age with all we know of children self harm an adult could stoop to such selfishness and say such a thing to such a young child. That memory will remain a fixed memory for her but with your love and support you can change the dialogue going on in her mind. Sounds to me daddy is the boring one who can't entertain himself let alone his own child. I'm so sorry it brings back those horrid childhood moments for you. They hurt I know. You are such a strong advocate for your grandchild and you are doing right by her - and you.
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Old 06-08-2017, 07:53 AM #464
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Default Wanting my last breath

My yesterday is today just so much worse
Nothing
4days and something went aray just like that
Yesterday is here again and I don't want to be in it
My two youngest children together for the past few days
They are not children
And their bull crap isn't anything I want to deal with
I am so done and now what
Wait for another repeat of such a horrible horrible day and I am so so so sorry
But it is not ok
Babies mother in the hospital so high on PCP
and then my youngest hung with her until mommy stormed out of the meeting
My youngest doing her thing with a jerk who is trying to 13 step my child and doesn't even know it
And has push me out of her way
Put her hands on me
A child I never hit or abused
And I don't know why but she is not the daughter I once had and knew
Her traumatic as she watched her sister high and it comes back to me when she came home at a late time
To awake me to that crap
And then I just caved
Caved where my brain cannot handle the pain and overload
I am not alive anymore
The life is sucked out of me and no body sees it at all
The veins in my hands hurt so badly
My feet hurt when I stand
Just burn me
Please
Just burn me
How does one keep a happy face on like she sees me try
And why does she have to ask are they happ sad pain or happy tears
And I don't want to feel see cry anymore because I have nobody else to talk to about this all
I am the only person who is trying to keep my granddaughter in a happy place
I can't today
A son who is kicking dope
My eldest who I hear has a unhealthy taste for alcohol addiction addiction addiction is killing them and me
Because I have lived longer
And my child tells me how traumatized she is seeing her sister in that state and just keeps dumping more and mor and mor and more I just want it to all end
I can't do anything about it
There isn't anything I can do
I don't want to hear any of it anymore
Who is listing to me
Who is helping me
What have I got to keep my granddaughter happy while the rest of them are killing themselves I all I can do is watch
I don't want to see hear feel know any of it
Why do I do this to myself
I have no body helping or looking out for me
But have to trust this is what Heavenly Father has in store for us
I don't have the nerve
I can't do it
To just slip away slowly pain free of it all
To not ****ing cry anymore
It does nothing it doesn't feel good afterwards
And I don't know when the next problem will arise
trauma she says
I am sure
Only
All I have to say about that
I relate
As I have 56 years of it and it doesn't seem to be getting better
What
What else must I have to understand my purpose is and for what
Who cares anyway I have to let go of this
HOW MUCH MORE SADNESS DISPARITY PAIN I DONT KNIW WHAT TO DO WITH IT
Nobody sees or hears
So what else is left to do
Watch my granddaughter life be destroyed
Why can't I have the means to just get away
Just run away
Why am I here
Why do I have to stay in this tornado that has become a monster
I come to you dear Father
Please please release my heat that hurt so much
My brain can't think anymore
Today I am good go nobody including myself
I have a hole where my heart used to be
I feel so sad no words to explain
Where do I go
What do I do
How do I move ahead when I have all this crap to deal with
I don't want to anymore
And then there is Eva
Tainted by so much ugliness
How do I protect us
No family
No mother to turn to
As she never wanted us
None of my children doing well enough to help
As they need it desperately
And I have been there so many times
Just want to throw the towel in
Pray pray pray pray pray I do not for me
It hurts so badly
My child able to push me
Why not kill me
There is so much hurt so much hurting all hurting
And I can't keep it together anymore
I just want to throw in the towel
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Old 06-08-2017, 10:43 AM #465
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Eva,
Sad... It appears they feel your place has a swinging door and are taking advantage of it. It's difficult to place rules like "open door" will not remain open under these conditions. Seeing this daily is just too painful in addition to all your physical pain.

So sorry you are having to deal with this kind of behavior.


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Old 06-09-2017, 10:09 AM #466
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Default Nothing changed

For the better
My yesterday is today
Even harder
Granddaughter tells me this morning
She was told to lie to me
What do I do
Father
Hold on to me tight
Just for today
Me
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Old 06-09-2017, 06:07 PM #467
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If I had the nerve I would do it
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Old 06-09-2017, 08:27 PM #468
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Mother calls from hospital
Eva begins balling I don't want
To leave here mimma
Father not any better
Comes to drop off some of Eva's stuff
Screaming in the halls after getting off phone with mother
After Corissa tells him what she said to Eva
A cluster everything as me and Eva are locked in my room
And under the covers reading her bible
Yes Eva has a bible
Read till she fell asleep
I am going crazy
And can't
Had to take BP meds my pressure out of control
I don't know how much more I can go
This is all so wrong
Wrong
Me
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Old 06-09-2017, 08:33 PM #469
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Eva I can't recall if you were awarded primary carer rights for your granddaughter and her parents visitation? If you are the primary carer you can go back to the courts and request supervised visits and regular drug testing. If instead your granddaughter has just been dumped on you because the parents aren't that bothered with her, then is it possible you reintroduce limited visits and rather than continue to strive on a family centred approach for her which I understand why, you reverse that approach slowly & quietly without responding & carry on as if nothing has changed. Remember you are her number one person. Immature & sad adults do tell children not to tell grandma, they say things like "what happens here stays here, or it's a secret don't tell". Whatever happens with you down the track, it's the time she is having now with you she will always remember & treasure. This time with her parents won't be recalled as good times, you can't change that, but you can limit the damage they do because she lives with you. Not them. I wish things were easier for you

Quote:
Originally Posted by eva5667faliure View Post
For the better
My yesterday is today
Even harder
Granddaughter tells me this morning
She was told to lie to me
What do I do
Father
Hold on to me tight
Just for today
Me
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Old 06-10-2017, 05:22 AM #470
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I have custody
And the case has been closed for about two years now
I will fight to the death
As it is killing me
Thanks PamelaJune
Thatks so much
Love me
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