FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Today's Posts |
06-07-2017, 04:32 PM | #461 | |||
|
||||
Senior Member
|
Dear Eva, you are such a strong woman, despite our infirmities we, you and me, just crack on. There is a reason others turn to us in their time of need, and those that expect us to continue to be "just us"! We feel this feeling inside and it builds as those around us blithely carry on in life treating us we once were. The difference we are noticing is not their behaviour, it is ours. They have not changed their ways, they have always been selfish & manipulative but we were so busy being consumed with getting on with life we didn't take time out of our day to let them know their behaviour is unacceptable. So here we are, now in our prime, and we've been dealt a cruddy hand. Our bodies are failing, our minds are not. Now we see with open eyes and hear loud and clear the shortcomings we (in love) kindly overlooked.
It will not, and is not selfish to look after yourself first. Think of it as a kindness, better they learn now to look after themselves and each other while we are still around to give them kind yet firm guidance. Yes, you may have said hurtful words, but they are just words, not swords, it seems those around us have very thick skins, I doubt our words pierce them, it is only us who suffer with guilt after, they have already moved on. I'm trying a new tack. For everything anyone does for me, I use simple words. Thank you for your kindness. How thoughtful of you. I've stopped doing the small things which assembled building blocks & stairways to anger in my mind. I don't get up at 4 and feed the dogs, the alarm goes off and I hit snooze, twice sometimes three. I haven't fed the dogs for a week. But they are being fed, to begin with there was a duplicate snooze button going off. Now it's just my own. That warm body lying beside me is up and out of the bed as soon as the alarm goes off. Needs must - my needs!! So dear Eva, be selfish and know it's not selfishness but a kindness after all. The old saying you have to be cruel to be kind, comes to mind. Only we are not cruel, just selfless.
__________________
I can still remember what life was like before pain became my life long companion Last edited by PamelaJune; 06-08-2017 at 01:18 AM. |
|||
Reply With Quote |
"Thanks for this!" says: |
06-07-2017, 05:04 PM | #462 | |||
|
||||
Grand Magnate
|
Quote:
I need you to know I have taught myself Not to respond especially with any horrible words In return They cannot say o went there I do however say things and do not follow through Giving once again the benifit to a possible change And I then tell them I need you to remove yourself from my life right now I am being pulled down with the negativeness that lingers on for way to long What I have done was block them Not allowing them to her me or my grandchild to hurt I will share with you My granddaughter returned home Saturday after the father said horrible things to her Crying at my door before running into my arms She blurts out Daddy said I'm the most boring child on the whole wide world I was crushed Brought me back to when o was a little girl and what my father and mother would say And I'll leave it at that I SO WILL take care of me and protect Eva You are so on the money when you say It is exactly how you said it It is how I react So on point Thanks for reminding me Love Me
__________________
someone who cares eva |
|||
Reply With Quote |
"Thanks for this!" says: |
06-08-2017, 01:16 AM | #463 | |||
|
||||
Senior Member
|
I'm so sad in today's day and age with all we know of children self harm an adult could stoop to such selfishness and say such a thing to such a young child. That memory will remain a fixed memory for her but with your love and support you can change the dialogue going on in her mind. Sounds to me daddy is the boring one who can't entertain himself let alone his own child. I'm so sorry it brings back those horrid childhood moments for you. They hurt I know. You are such a strong advocate for your grandchild and you are doing right by her - and you.
__________________
I can still remember what life was like before pain became my life long companion |
|||
Reply With Quote |
"Thanks for this!" says: |
06-08-2017, 07:53 AM | #464 | |||
|
||||
Grand Magnate
|
My yesterday is today just so much worse
Nothing 4days and something went aray just like that Yesterday is here again and I don't want to be in it My two youngest children together for the past few days They are not children And their bull crap isn't anything I want to deal with I am so done and now what Wait for another repeat of such a horrible horrible day and I am so so so sorry But it is not ok Babies mother in the hospital so high on PCP and then my youngest hung with her until mommy stormed out of the meeting My youngest doing her thing with a jerk who is trying to 13 step my child and doesn't even know it And has push me out of her way Put her hands on me A child I never hit or abused And I don't know why but she is not the daughter I once had and knew Her traumatic as she watched her sister high and it comes back to me when she came home at a late time To awake me to that crap And then I just caved Caved where my brain cannot handle the pain and overload I am not alive anymore The life is sucked out of me and no body sees it at all The veins in my hands hurt so badly My feet hurt when I stand Just burn me Please Just burn me How does one keep a happy face on like she sees me try And why does she have to ask are they happ sad pain or happy tears And I don't want to feel see cry anymore because I have nobody else to talk to about this all I am the only person who is trying to keep my granddaughter in a happy place I can't today A son who is kicking dope My eldest who I hear has a unhealthy taste for alcohol addiction addiction addiction is killing them and me Because I have lived longer And my child tells me how traumatized she is seeing her sister in that state and just keeps dumping more and mor and mor and more I just want it to all end I can't do anything about it There isn't anything I can do I don't want to hear any of it anymore Who is listing to me Who is helping me What have I got to keep my granddaughter happy while the rest of them are killing themselves I all I can do is watch I don't want to see hear feel know any of it Why do I do this to myself I have no body helping or looking out for me But have to trust this is what Heavenly Father has in store for us I don't have the nerve I can't do it To just slip away slowly pain free of it all To not ****ing cry anymore It does nothing it doesn't feel good afterwards And I don't know when the next problem will arise trauma she says I am sure Only All I have to say about that I relate As I have 56 years of it and it doesn't seem to be getting better What What else must I have to understand my purpose is and for what Who cares anyway I have to let go of this HOW MUCH MORE SADNESS DISPARITY PAIN I DONT KNIW WHAT TO DO WITH IT Nobody sees or hears So what else is left to do Watch my granddaughter life be destroyed Why can't I have the means to just get away Just run away Why am I here Why do I have to stay in this tornado that has become a monster I come to you dear Father Please please release my heat that hurt so much My brain can't think anymore Today I am good go nobody including myself I have a hole where my heart used to be I feel so sad no words to explain Where do I go What do I do How do I move ahead when I have all this crap to deal with I don't want to anymore And then there is Eva Tainted by so much ugliness How do I protect us No family No mother to turn to As she never wanted us None of my children doing well enough to help As they need it desperately And I have been there so many times Just want to throw the towel in Pray pray pray pray pray I do not for me It hurts so badly My child able to push me Why not kill me There is so much hurt so much hurting all hurting And I can't keep it together anymore I just want to throw in the towel
__________________
someone who cares eva |
|||
Reply With Quote |
"Thanks for this!" says: | ger715 (06-08-2017) |
06-08-2017, 10:43 AM | #465 | ||
|
|||
Magnate
|
Eva,
Sad... It appears they feel your place has a swinging door and are taking advantage of it. It's difficult to place rules like "open door" will not remain open under these conditions. Seeing this daily is just too painful in addition to all your physical pain. So sorry you are having to deal with this kind of behavior. Gerry |
||
Reply With Quote |
"Thanks for this!" says: | eva5667faliure (06-08-2017), PamelaJune (06-10-2017) |
06-09-2017, 10:09 AM | #466 | |||
|
||||
Grand Magnate
|
For the better
My yesterday is today Even harder Granddaughter tells me this morning She was told to lie to me What do I do Father Hold on to me tight Just for today Me
__________________
someone who cares eva |
|||
Reply With Quote |
"Thanks for this!" says: | RSD ME (06-10-2017) |
06-09-2017, 06:07 PM | #467 | |||
|
||||
Grand Magnate
|
If I had the nerve I would do it
__________________
someone who cares eva |
|||
Reply With Quote |
06-09-2017, 08:27 PM | #468 | |||
|
||||
Grand Magnate
|
Mother calls from hospital
Eva begins balling I don't want To leave here mimma Father not any better Comes to drop off some of Eva's stuff Screaming in the halls after getting off phone with mother After Corissa tells him what she said to Eva A cluster everything as me and Eva are locked in my room And under the covers reading her bible Yes Eva has a bible Read till she fell asleep I am going crazy And can't Had to take BP meds my pressure out of control I don't know how much more I can go This is all so wrong Wrong Me
__________________
someone who cares eva |
|||
Reply With Quote |
"Thanks for this!" says: | RSD ME (06-10-2017) |
06-09-2017, 08:33 PM | #469 | |||
|
||||
Senior Member
|
Eva I can't recall if you were awarded primary carer rights for your granddaughter and her parents visitation? If you are the primary carer you can go back to the courts and request supervised visits and regular drug testing. If instead your granddaughter has just been dumped on you because the parents aren't that bothered with her, then is it possible you reintroduce limited visits and rather than continue to strive on a family centred approach for her which I understand why, you reverse that approach slowly & quietly without responding & carry on as if nothing has changed. Remember you are her number one person. Immature & sad adults do tell children not to tell grandma, they say things like "what happens here stays here, or it's a secret don't tell". Whatever happens with you down the track, it's the time she is having now with you she will always remember & treasure. This time with her parents won't be recalled as good times, you can't change that, but you can limit the damage they do because she lives with you. Not them. I wish things were easier for you
__________________
I can still remember what life was like before pain became my life long companion |
|||
Reply With Quote |
"Thanks for this!" says: | RSD ME (06-10-2017) |
06-10-2017, 05:22 AM | #470 | |||
|
||||
Grand Magnate
|
I have custody
And the case has been closed for about two years now I will fight to the death As it is killing me Thanks PamelaJune Thatks so much Love me
__________________
someone who cares eva |
|||
Reply With Quote |
"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (06-10-2017), RSD ME (06-11-2017) |
Reply |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Forum | |||
can't take anymore | Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome | |||
Not sure anymore | New Member Introductions | |||
just cant do this anymore | Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD and CRPS) | |||
Please help - cant take it anymore! | Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD and CRPS) | |||
What Should I do, I just don't feel wanted anymore | Survivors of Suicide |