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06-14-2017, 05:40 AM | #481 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I had to write her again
Something I did not want to have done after already writing her Cried all the way home together I held her hand the entire ride home and let her cry it out Angry You bet And then the phone rang It was her Yelled out to Eva to pick up the phone As I picked up before answering machine would Asked where she was About 50 miles away at a Friends parents house Yup You would think the parents would have probed figured out a 19 year old not working not a graduate and the clothes on her back Okay Maybe not the kind of paranting I would do having some of Corissas run always Had them contact their parents and return the next day No I'm not okay She will be graduating kindergarten Putting on a show Told the teacher I was giving up my ticket for mother and BFF (her titti Corissa) I am so angry I am that Eva all over again Truly literally like Ground Hog Day I broke inside hearing her cry it out She cried so hard And there was nothing I could do but let her She hasn't really cried yet Yeah the tears would well up her eyes Just wanted to punch a wall So angry Today mad her her breakfast in the shape of a bear She smiled and was happy Hoping she will stay in that mood Raining here Gloomy "Gloomy Sunday" Me
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someone who cares eva |
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06-23-2017, 01:04 PM | #482 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Roller coaster ride
No stop surpressing emotions and tears And this ride doesn't stop I'm holding on for dear life One day at a time So broken Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (06-25-2017), RSD ME (06-30-2017) |
06-23-2017, 01:11 PM | #483 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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She's a gem
My granddaughter To watch her come into this world To see her grow up everyday Be it the blessings she brings me She is a gem I cannot understand how sick my family is To not see the innocent child who wants nothing more but her family I am her only constant And she is the youngest and she needs some kind of constant And it be me Blessed I sure am My cross I will carry Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | ger715 (06-27-2017), PamelaJune (06-23-2017) |
06-25-2017, 07:06 AM | #484 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Attention
Heaven forbid I do not go to the shore with my so and partner And my baby sister Because my son wants to do things his way and doesn't know how not to bring up certain things at places that should be fun to be at I wanted to avoid that Never expressing this I decline And OMG All hell broke loose The foul mouth utter disrespect Shut him down Broke his finger with some truth Stopped real quickly Having to remind him I can't take flight when I want to And run away for a couple of days I have a grandchild I am responsible for And what was his excuse about being a uncle to his niece Eva Nothing to say That was the end of him picking a fight He was someone I wasn't ready to hang with Not now Not till he gets clean And I doesn't hurt any less having to say no But getting better at it And turn it over to Heavenly Father Moving on My eldest missing me My granddaughter mother my third child in a fog And my youngest still hasn't seen enough Will be home today Each of them having different personalities haveing to deal with them differently Learning to walk away from some things For the good of my health I call my baby sister and asked what was said in any reference to me in anyway Sure enough She tells him I declined to come Which now explains the rant of texting I got from him Wasn't having it Sometimes I feel as if I give attention to one the other gets upset Childish behavior And they try to pick fights with me And I don't give them the chance Foolish Foolish Me
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (06-25-2017), RSD ME (06-30-2017) |
06-25-2017, 01:03 PM | #485 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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At the pool
I couldn't believe it She is balling crying after I settled all the stuff And she doesn't want to go in the water Who want yo see s child my granddaughter of all And all because she misses her titti (Corissa) Says she'll be home tonight I am f no matter what I try to do I cannot tell her to stop So we packed up came home and told her she could cry and the phone rings Her titti I'm beside myself It felt horrible she couldn't put her out of her mind And that's all I have to say about that
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"Thanks for this!" says: | RSD ME (06-30-2017) |
06-29-2017, 08:10 AM | #486 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Hoping to go to the pool and get sun to touch this body
And she have fun in the water Titti is home Much work we have as a family But we can make it happen I will not give up Hoping for a happy day for them as well as myself We shall see Another doctors appointment today Having had to retire from my municipal job Corruption on so many levels and was red flagged as I chose not to play dirty politics And the lies that caused me hardship even more Have lost my job and insurance And with all the changes that is going on I now have to wait next year for my pap Even though it is passed on by my maternal grandmother Means zippo nothing How is this preventive health care It's all a farce Lies Lies Lies I am left putting it into Heavenly Fathers hands I will stand in the truth ALWAYS And his protection PREVAILS AMEN
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (07-05-2017), RSD ME (06-30-2017) |
07-03-2017, 06:42 AM | #487 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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It is watching her having to adapt if it hard for me I know what Eva is feeling
Last night she says I'm praying that titti comes home right now tonight I deleted her from texting so she would have to call And guess what No call for two days I called her 19 times representing how old she is Then left her a message How she can respond to anyone else asap Cause I can't even have a few words with her without her responding to her dings and pings What happened to the children my child's age I have come to learn it isn't just me And I'm not out there in the world like I was so I don't see it I have a hilghly intelligent young woman who took the wrong road and hasn't found her way home On a road to self destruction So hard for me to watch and go through while having to tend to Eva a innocent child who doesn't want nothing more but a family to call her own I cry so hard in secretly And I could be across the room and holding back not letting a drop fall from my eyes And she says Mimma are those happy tears sad tears or because your body hurts This bothers me All I want is for her to be a happy child Not sad And miss her BFF I'm hoping that we get to see fireworks being on the 19th floor Her favorite holiday is this very somber time To think of the men women animals that die are maimed for life for our freedom Where is the patriotism in the country do we forget 911 in my back yard watching with our own eyes Truly I'm my back yard The sacrifices of all nations Buildings of the meaning of what we once could refer to this country as a "MELTING POT" What ever happened to that true term Where is the pride that comes with becoming a citizen of this great country And I look at my child the children of the world and am frightened what the future holds for them It isn't just my child so I have learned with no relief But with sadness The country who cannot look up to our elders and learn what they have and feed our minds with free speech not fictional stories The hate that is being emmited into society pushed into tolerance is not the wythis country workes We don't like or do like there is a process call election vote the issue in or out Not tolerated behavior such as my child I have done all I could do as far as suggesting what opportunities are available still trying to get her to get her diploma This coming from a gifted child herself My baby sister reminded me And says "Eva I don't remember our mother or father ever offer us a car if we learned how to drive" She asks "Do you ever remember anything like that" "Nope" was my response So no high school diploma No interest in learning how to drive Hey when dad fills the account for these unsafe UBERS and gives her spending money $50.00 each time Money the root of most of her problem It's been four days she hasn't returned as she left to a poetry show with her sister and was to return home but went to her friends patents home So back to what I was saying I'm calling 19 times Se responds Can you please stop doing that you'll blow up my phone And I'm eating with Michelle and her parents I said That's when you excuse that and say that's my mom I need to take this No that never came to her mind And thank God it an emergency It's the sick part that's screwing things up for me Good 70% of my life changed on a physical level I am deeply saddened at this ongoing problem since I became sick and couldn't drive her to and from school and she has no siblings I wondering what kind of bird that is easy maintaincesomething I have to get her something Sad Sad So so sad I will try to did a project for us to do
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (07-05-2017), RSD ME (07-03-2017) |
07-10-2017, 04:12 PM | #488 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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I have time for it not in my control
As this sadness is not in my control It is all the time Always there lurking And I call upon Heavenly Father And I still haven't got it It's not going away As hard as I try It is utter disparity ashamed I am As I still call for him I don't have the nerve And I won't do anything just wait And wait and wait I have a child that I will leave behind one day I hope she remembers how hard I tried I tried my best with the older ones And I just don't care anymore It's all I can do And when it's over it's over Just like that It happens Just like that Carry it till it's my time
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (09-29-2017) |
07-10-2017, 04:18 PM | #489 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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It's not what I thought I would ever say
And I have many regrets I have all of myself to them And forgot about me And look at how things turned out Self centered turds What did I do to myself Why did I do this to myself
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"Thanks for this!" says: | PamelaJune (07-18-2017), RSD ME (07-12-2017) |
07-11-2017, 07:23 AM | #490 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Told they are just feelings
It will pass Pass I have been praying That I be cal in the arms of Heavenly Father That all is in his control That he has our fingerprints before ever entering the world How is it that I got to this point How is it that I just want to give up and for it to just stop hurting Everything hurts Everything I cannot stop my brain from thinking what it does I pick up a book can't read as my mind is just stuck Stuck in this dark abyss Don't want to be here Don't want it to control me Did the therapist most my life For the most part No V8 moment All things I already figured out at a very young age Do I think about how sick this family is Sure I do Did anyone listen no A family of riddled with addiction mental disease and a struggle trying to grow up Easy Not for this one There isn't a time since the age of three Yup I have memories at a very early age I began one day describing to my mother in the 90's how I remember and told her in detail What do you think it was My father raping my mother This a family of scrects Oh on the outside a good well behaved hard working children Respected by society How many times did I go to school beaten on the morning Hated to gay my long hair brushed She was so brutish in her touch To this day the thought of kissing my mother or touching her disgusts me And it's not just me Recently my middle sister struggling to put my only nephew through college Her husband not my nephews father they divorced but stilllive together But her husband The man she fell in love with turned her on to herion And now she's just coasting through her life Crying "It's not our fault" "It's not our fault" She is right Then I look at the life I jumped into so young A young mother of three Divorced at at 25 And it managed to get harder and worse As I look into things deeply From the time I wanted to just die Still living home Asked for a answer As I opened the book to get my answer to do it or not I open up randomly and ask answer Father And I open to psalm 6 verse 6 till the end was my first experience of getting a answer And so I move on A mother who let her husband my father hurt me and my middle sister needed to tell this woman who is our mother "Eva isn't making up stories" It happened to me too We are adults at this point Married to her third husband Who eyes leering at my oldest may she have been 8,9 or 10 caught him looking at her in that disgusting filthy way as she was ballet dancing Well I couldn't hold back Lots of turd hitting the fan I knew that look I knew that look at a single didget age I have written of this over and over and over And I just start to think it is over before it started Wondered how my mother let it happen I listen to her a few days ago Yelling out don't leave me Please don't leave me I told her it's not in me to do it I'll have to wait my time To have a horrible relationship when we were younger The things she told me as I was the built it babysitter / as I were her mommy became my responsibility yup my baby sister remembers all the things I have done for her it was easy for Liz to take off whenever she wanted to hang with her girlfriends this was my prototype This the baby who was scheduled to be aborted Never happened And again abort another child at 36 She would lean on me and tried to explain it away Well here I am still talking about it I have a purpose What that is who knows I just do my best Bestowed with a family of my own made that decision Saying to myself you can do this Over and over again And she calls me crying a few hours later crying Please I need you here I don't have the nerve to this world @ericbolling @divorced W/4 children and a deadbeat father all their lives Why no talk about $'s states could save rounding them up its valid Calming her I'm not going anywhere I'm here for you And then my family They do not see it Just making excuses excuses excuses My youngest I have no clue where she is And then I wake and my granddaughter takes it all away for the moments I just want to give up Reminded I didn't pick up And managed another day Like it or not I blocked everyone from contacting me And it did not feel good But that's what I did until it hits me out of nowhere And deal with it So much hurt Not really what I wanted to get out but had to finish So much hurt So much not our fault And I have to get my crap together And figure out how am I going to handle this My last chance to help raise my grandchild I look for the butterfly Still looking Me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 07-11-2017 at 08:00 AM. |
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