today i have music on as i write
somethng i never did before

last week i contacted my oldest friend
Maureen
Yugoslavian
we pick up where we left off

today i called a lover who i also know
as long as Maureen
we went to grammar school and high school
together
he wanted to know what was the honor of the call

as he has no clue it
my last intimate time
with him or anyone
he has no clue
our last time together
I say this not to be vulgar in anyway

we were watching SNL
though we weren't intimate
on that night he kissed my right breast
kissed me good night let himself out
i had no clue of my lump yet
he has no clue how memorable
everytime i look at the beautiful
picture of myself and right breast
so i never would forget
brings back memories

when i called him and told him
about having them both removed
this man called me night before surgery

I'm glad I called
and he answered for if just
for one moment in time
he then called the next day
called to see how i was

that was a bit more than two years

glad i did

we have a long history just because of time
and it's been in bits and pieces through the years

divorced
a father of a son

as much as i don't want to feel

i'm glad i called

we will be together in the future
so he would like that
and yes
just because at a very tough time
as a woman
him knowing of my body
called
the man called
him alone

and he doesn't know
how it has affected me
in a very good way

i'm glad i called

and he will touch me
and bring me back in time

if just for another moment in time

he seemed happy
and i did too

this i would very much like to

FEEL

me

Dear Eva,
My Sister phoned me today. I told her about my Depressive Personality Disorder - the first person in the outside World I have confided in.
We talked about our childhoods, the lack of Love expressed.
We talked about the hole inside me.
She understood, and in understanding made me feel that bit lighter.

A good day for both of us.
I said there was someone Special waiting for you.
Keep playing your music.

Dave.

Eva,

That's great!! Yesterday's (2/16) post to you (thread: making a choice every day) I had written "I wish you love". Also, mentioned a friend, or neighbor, etc..
Glad you were met with memorable responses.


Gerry

I did what I never imagined I could
and respond as I did
A comment remembered
"That's your job you are the mother"
REALLY
REALLY
It never stops
Until I shut them out
WHY
me

and all i would like to
just sleep
i can't
i have to take care of Eva
she is so on top of what's
going on
no option

goodnight
me

and to be in a depressive state
just blows
i was thinking of my maternal
grandmother
i remember her only meeting
her twice as children nine and thirteen
taking vacation to go to Hungary

after having a intense conversation with my sixteen year old
it was she who who had me thinking of my grandmother
to describe her is sad
always in the kitchen
a separate house adjacent to the rest of the house
ya know country girl
dirt roads
chicken coups
and now as an adult
could see in her eyes the sadness
a very introverted understandably
as it was time of WW 2
and how the German soldiers
would barge into the home order
my grandmother to cook for them
and she did so the story goes
and my grandfather helpless
just had to watch and pour the drink
wine

an in remembering her
and my conversation
keep a mental picture
and began to wonder
was she troubled with
depression
it be my assessment
to try and understand
me

It shouldn't matter
I have been in a severe depressive state
My pain is growing in spreading
My hands feet
all in the 5/6-6/7 area
My neck my shoulders my body all be riddled
in one way or another
It takes so much energy from this brain
that is always a problem
Depressed like never before
Me

I did not want to share this, but above the numbness and parasthesia in my feet and legs, I have been getting needle-sharp, tortuous pains spreading up to my torso. It has been over a week, either side of my Infusion - nowhere else to go with meds. You are not alone!
New pains, increased pains, affect our Depression big time. On top of this you have your family and your poor dog. A slide in Mood is not surprising.
I will not tell you to cheer up, but you can try to look at the positives. Little Eva is your Light - use that. Your minor victory clearing your useless Insurance. Do as I do and watch Comedies on tv. They will not change Moods, but a laugh or chuckle can bring a little relief, no matter how fleeting.
I have never been one for making lists, I find them pointless, depressing exercises, but you write well - with feeling. Keep expressing yourself here and know your Friends are supporting you.

Dave.

Unfortunately replaying all the sadness and looking back to bring to light what sorrows to a depth that can bring one's depression even deeper.

Dave has a point when he mentions what might lift his spirits us. For each, it is different; but I try not to let myself go into the dispairing thoughts; but thoughts that might be more uplifting. Dwelling in sorrow; only too often leads to more sorrow and depression.

Dearest Eva, I pray you can look at the good you have done and things that delight you; especially one who sings "You are my sunshine".


Gerry

Dear Gerry dear Dave

I have not said anything either
I feel a lump like mass under my
right arm pit
The glands just bellow my ears
where both upperers and lowers
are held together
It is swollen both sides
am I nervous
You bet
My cancer I found in the right breast
I don't talk about it
All I say is something is not right
To say stress has zero to do with
my failing health
If my hair could hurt it would
IT'S JUST ALL OVER

just had my shrink session
Wants to start me on Effexor
Please anybody on this medicine
Kindly share what and how it affected you
I have been put on several
The trouble is my cancer drug was changed
again back on the first one tamoxifen

Femera added to the pain in my hands and feet
To be known this be a side effect many complain
about painful hands
I had the stupid thaught my hands are useless
already how much worse can my hands feel
forget a scale of happy to sad faces
indescribable
So
When on Femera I now had to also get off of
Zoloft
Bad withdrawals
Even with careful proper weaning from it
Sweating in the sleep cycle
Must change clothes sometimes twice in the sleep hours
Everything I wear is cotton already
so i have had to walk away to do things
for Eva
Corissa is at her program
she is slooooooooooooooooowly getting it
i will be awaiting a call for a conference father should be there
we will see
we shall see
till then
i did all i could
i hate
utterly HATE how i feel
being impeccable with my words

for you both
Jesus bestow upon my wonderful
friends
who remind me of my "sunshine"
from my innocent grandchild
may you find Joy from her natural
giving of
Love
me