Eva,
Our Heavenly Father knows how much you are needed. You have been given a heavy cross to bear. Pray He will give you the strength and courage to cope with all you are going through.


Gerry

It is 2:45 in the morning
Thank you dear friend
I lay in the hospital bed
Holding me overnight as my pressure is out of control
Her first day started and after dropping her off for first day
Sending her off with love
Telling her I will never leave you oh how sad she was to hear Corissa tell her she's not coming back was just to much
I layed a good hoping it will have meant something and she will see the light
To watch how my family is reacting is just to difficult to talk about
I have done the best I could
And for my grand baby to go through this all because of the young adult out of control behavior
X-ray cat scan and blood work all good
It's my pressure that won't stabilize
7:00 in the evening given the pill under my tongue as pressure was 189/152
This is what I fear
And not having any control over this body
I never thought it would get this bad
But it has
It has
Can't wait to see my granddaughter and apologize to her
She knew something was wrong as I was getting her ready
And talking to her and to hear her tears for fear I won't be home
Just makes it that much harder
I don't know what else to do anymore
All for what
I ask my Heavenly Father to help this family
Help us through this
Keep me around for I am needed in this babies life
Not to mention all my family
But I can't do it anymore
It's gotten so out of control
It is so out of my control
Not that it ever was but I'm sure you all get the picture

It was a scary feeling
Belching my jawline
The weighted feeling I couldn't get rid of
The lump that is still in my throat
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
We said the Lord's Prayer and Hail Mary as she cried for me
Oh dear Father
Heal me
Heal this family
Don't let me go when she now too needs me

This all because I couldn't keep it all together
Corissa I pray will find her way home
Till then I have to get myself together
For the sake of this little one who is innocent and loves her titti
Her BFF
I am crushed
Just crushed
And my fears have brought me to this point
Not a place I want to be
Lost in the abyss
Broken into pieces
And all I can do is pray
Pray that all will be fine
Me

Dear Eva, you and your loved ones are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray your BP is bought under control and you can find the strength to let your fears go free. Use the faith in yourself and our higher power to guide your thoughts to peaceful moments, I can't tell you it will all be ok, but I can tell you I believe in you and your ability to find the strength to be a patient in that hospital bed. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers and I'll check in tomorrow.

Still not well as my pressure is not stable
Between the physical pain and mental stress
I want to crawl under a rock
I must have a nuclear stress test
Another doctor
I'm sick of it all
I so sick of it all
It is deemed arrhythmia
Sick of it all

Oh gosh, I don't even know what a nuclear stress test is? Assume it involves an injection and imaging after exertion? But that sounds cruel and unusual to me. I know they subjected my mum to multiple (more than 5) nuclear testing & imaging post her csf leak, she came through them ok. You remain in my prayers and I'll have to go google. Please try to remain calm Eva, my dad would say don't sweat the small stuff, worry not over what you have no control.

Eva,
Corissa; what can I say? If you get a chance, please remind her how much I care about her. She is "special", there is just something I felt when speaking with her. She has the whole world before her. Wish we could get through to her. Please give her my love.

You have my email address if Corissa would like to correspond with me. I would keep whatever she would say/write in "confidence".

Praying.....


Gerry

I have my arms wrapped around you with great love respect and appreciation
I most certainly will
She is special
Beautiful
Smart
Has empathy for all but herself
She asked me just yesterday
Mommy am I beautiful
I answered
I wish you could see what I do
Your beauty is so powerful
Find it
See it
Don't let it go
Yes you are not just beautiful
But stunning
Inside and out
She is Gerry
She really is
Hoping she gets to love herself and never lets go
She say
Mom there is no place like home
And I know how hard you love
And I will never let go of that
I have to go
I have to figure some things outside on my own
And know I have your love to hold on to
Never forget
You did nothing wrong
Don't go blaming yourself
I have the best mom anyone could ever hope for
You are real and beautiful too
Thank you momma
I will return
I just have to do this
I told her
I will never give up on you
Never
All of you suffer depression
And it's not your fault
Just know when your ready
There is help
And I will always be ready to help you get that help
Please be careful about the choices you make as you find what I see
I can't wait to tell her you are asking about her
Yes I can't wait
With all my heart
Thank you
You have my word
I will tell her
Love
Me

Never will I let go
And keeping God in my being
Depression that riddles this entire family
Never will I give up till my dying day
With hope and prayer I go through what I am
Not alone
The aloneness I fell I'm praying will pass
As Heavenly Father has been watching and waiting for me to let go and trust him COMPLETELY
to my dear friends who have followed my life story
Thank you for your support as I too hope to give back what I receive
Thank you
At this very difficult time
Watching my babies go through this life of depression
May they find persons to lift them when they too feel they cannot go on
Depression kills all that is good
I cannot allow it to kill me
Trying my very best
Trying
Thank you all
Me

My son called
And tells me
Mom
No matter how many times I may be a jerk and mean to you
I'm sorry
Forgive me
I need you in my life
Please take care of you
For when that day comes
Know I love you and need you around as long as possible
And told him
I would do my very best for they be my all and am sad to see you all suffering
I will do my best
We spoke for three hours and did not want to get off the phone
Corissa has been speaking with her brother and he said he wants to be the brother he hasn't been
It is a beautiful thing when they reach out for one another
It's a beautiful thing

Eva, my tears have been dry this week, they've just returned in a vengeance reading this passage. My heart is breaking for you and yours, I pray Corissa gets to hear you have people across the world who know her through your passages and we know she is more than just another pretty girl looking to find herself.

Life is not easy, today's world offers so much more influence than what it did in our day. Millennials' lives are forever impacted by this social media intrusion on the younger members in our circle of influence, they who have encountered parental separation, abuse, death and so much more. Not so dissimilar to what we encountered but somehow made worse by the "normality" of it social media has given it. It's as if it's inappropriate to grieve for what's gone wrong or hurt in their lives & the only appropriate approach is to act out, turn to alcohol or drugs. I'm not oblivious to the obvious - so did many of us, or our loved partners but we knew in our hearts it was wrong. The wrong friends who aren't really friends but just people they've met in passing or through someone who knows someone and are therefore merely passing acquaintances (if even that) on social media just seem to encourage the opposite of what we would council.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs, know you and your loved ones remain in my thoughts

In another passage I will tell you more of the young lodger we now have living with us, suicidal our first day back from holiday & where I had to drive out to fetch her back as the cafe owner phoned me to say I've got her by her jacket, how quick can you get here, she's incoherent but intent on throwing herself into the traffic, yours is the last number she phoned so I've got you, can you help....

I hear you
And you certainly heard me
You are so on point
It is a different world
And we know it to be true
Retuning my love and hugs to you and yours
Me