I wish I was numb, I don’t want to feel anymore ever. It hurts too much. He’s moving in with her and yet he says he still wants counselling. They’re exchanging emails. It turns my stomach as they declare their love and excitement to see each other. Why can’t he see he replaced one addiction for another. I wish it didn’t hurt so much, I wish I hated him.

To much TIME invested
Not that easy to let it all go
And to be quite honest
Why should you let go of the good times
If there are
This isn’t something one can just kick yo the curb without revisiting where did it begin to change
Or maybe the question should be
When did I stop being everything I’m not
And getting nothing that makes me happy in return
This is the part that really really gets me
Why is it so hard to step aside and man up or woman up
STEP ASIDE
do the adult thing the humane thing in or out of sobriety
And do whatever
But have the nuts to man up and say something
Not to mention to just follow the Ten Commandments
Infidelity a no no
Why is it so difficult to do the right thing
AND STRP ASIDE
PERIOD
So
To all those who do not have the decency of respect
I command you to step aside before I crush you
And don’t you forget it
It will hurt
You hold on to what feels good only
Live
Me

My life forever changed
My life in other people’s hands days have gone by
And I’m still waiting for my recertification for food stamps
The only thing I get help with
Not a word
I don’t want to have to be on the phone all day
Oh how very wrong this all is
My job
My job
Gone
I had a good job
A job made for me as corruption came and bit the in their butt
Gone
I don’t like javeing to wait to see if we will have to ration as we already do
I’ll be on the phone all day
Waiting for someone to pick up the phone
This is so wrong
So wrong
No reason for the delay
Me

To see her in a sad state
Of course Mimma doting over her live nurse Mimma
She loving it
Anything to make her feel better
Cancelled dentist appointment
For the new year
Having to do do do
And I do
All I can
Hold me up Heavenly Father
Hold me tight
In your arms I stay
Saddened won’t let it evolve into depression
Just won’t allow it
I have what it takes mentally
Thank you for my gifts in my day
Hold me Father
Amen

There is this hole in my gut
I don’t know where it comes from but it finds its way
Meditate I do
Heavenly Father comes to rescue me
But why do I have a hole in my gut
It it a horrible feeling
Something I battle with
It has been void for a bit but it comes and Gods its way down deep
I have spoken to my family
And we will all be together here for Christmas
Speaking to my child was so refreshing
To know my son still struggles
Found his way to the rooms
Met up with one of my good friends
Someone my children thought was the father of my last pregnancy
What wrong with me
What is wrong with this mind
Why does it do the things it does
Why do I have a feeling of doom
It is a horrible feeling
Horrible
I have a good strong sense of self
I listen to what this world is going through
The changes of what the holiday season means
Since when has the birth of Jesus Christ come into question
What the hell does “happy winter” mean
Oh sweet Jesus what is the afterlife going to be like
Why am I thinking like this why
Why can’t I just wake up and be or feel like I want to be here
What happened to this body mind and soul
How can it shift so drastically from one moment to another
Who is paying attention
Why should anyone feel this way
Just because
There has got to be a reason
What that is I do not know
But I can say this
I do not like it
Want it
Push it away
But it always finds its way into my being
What is it
Where does it come from
How can it take such a hold on me
Meditate I do
What is going on with this world
What is going on
Heavenly Father come to me
Hold me tightly
Make it go away please
In your name I ask
Show me the way

I do not appreciate a company who takes from my account
Causes me to go into a negative
At a cost of 35.00 charge and not have my product
That just ****** me off to no end
35.00 is much to me when I live limited
I told them do not draw until the middle of the month
Did they listen no
Could I talk to anybody
No
It is the weekend
Have to wait till tomorrow
****** off I am

May it be seasonal
May it be situational
Who the blank blanken know
But I don’t like it
Having a tough time with this broken body
But my mind means more to me than my body
I am never going to get better in them neck of the woods
But my mind is a different matter
Had a tough time with sleep
I woke to void this morning and my hair stuck to my face
I was crying in my sleep
Wish I knew why
But my hair
It’s evident I was crying
If I only knew why
Why
What was my brain thinking
I don’t remember my dreams anymore
I love to dream
That’s taken away
And when I think of a good friend and what they are going through
Brings me home to how I have treated myself
Hanging on
Hanging on
Still hanging on
Nobody should have to feel like I do
I doesn’t feel good
My body wants to be comfortable
It is so broken
Is everything falling apart
I feel like I’m never going to get to wherever it is I’m suppose to be going
I pray I’m not falling into another sad place
I need to feed this brain
It is in a crappy place
Help me Heavenly Father
Help me
Help me be free of this feeling
Rip it from me
I your name I ask
Amen

Eva your strength is your grace, you share it willingly with us all. Our tears at night shed unknown perhaps for a reason to spare us more despair. Hold on my dear friend, hold on, we will take this journey together, our broken bodies with many more NT.rs turning to this site for help, strength and even sanity.

My tears that were once endless 2 years ago now not so willing to traverse my face. Perhaps it a blessing what is happening to me now, didn’t take place 2 years ago, I fear I would not have been able to cope, I’m not strong now, but then, I was not a willow bending in the wind, I was a patch of grass trampled beneath. A willow will survive strong winds, it will bend and bow but it will survive, a strong oak tree, in the winds will not bend, its boughs will break. We are willows my friend, we are willows.

Pam,
Thank you for your insight. Well put. You will take better care of yourself instead of being "a patch of grass". I like the phrase "we are willows"....Yes we must be........

Gerry

What a beautiful explanation that you get when thinking of it
How awesome it made my body feel
How important it is for one to be validated
Not just because
But as it is a real matter and is happening
Validate the pain
Bury it if you can
That will never work
As the tree sways as it may
Holding on to the windy days
For it is it’s tribulations it feels
Holding on
Going with the wind
And the the calm
The wonderful calm
Is serenity
Reaching for the ground
To wrap yourself in its beauty
The willow tree
It is my wish that we understand our journey is completely our own
And all that happens is our story
Some are beautiful and some are ugly

I turned the TV On
To hear a story of a young man in grammar school
Who has been bullied
Pouring milk on him shoving food down his shirt
It ripped my heart out as this mother videotaped him and how it felt for him
It went viral
May this young man become the angel he became for many who was afraid to talk
A child is on a road the moment they are born
It is up to us the villageand by that I mean the school and where were the adults
What were these children who bullied this young man and what was going on that they cannot see that is wrong
Where did they learn that bullying is okay when it is clearly an evil doing

My son now at a height 6’9” was builled when he was in school
And I had to handle this in the early 80’s
Because he was so tall and skinny

And two decades before him I was bullied
Deemed second tallest girl in grammar school
Standing straight my top height 5’9”

And boy did it come in my favor for the rest of my life
Yup tall lanky sexy momma
My height how many wish they had
And I would tell them be happy with who you are and what we are given
It wasn’t a name I liked “big bird”
Nope
Didn’t do anything for my self esteem
That’s what I got out of my height


And it always are the shorter than average man that would be interested
Oh the stories I could talk about

Living as a reputable sexy waitress for well over a decade
In the same town
And to run into them
Priceless sometimes
That’s all I have to say about that
The job I loved most in all my corporate bull
In the end working for my town I lived in since coming into this country at 5
I swore I would never work in city hall
I do NOT LIKE POLITICS
But it was the right time
And the right thing
12 and a 1/2 years
And was always red flagged keeping them honest they would be aware when I was in a room
And I loved it
Because the truth is the truth
Can’t manipulate the truth
And my relationship with my boss the mayor
Knows me well
I still call upon him
Know
Don’t lie to me
Caught him in a few

It’s poopy to have to go through so much corruption in my lifetime
I’m in absolute awe at the enormity of it

And I sway like that willow and entangle the truths that need to be addressed
Where were the adults
For this young man
And what about the other kids around watching
I watched him as he asked the question to his mother
Why do they do that
It’s hurting him
And he tells others to stay strong that it will get easier as you get older
Not true
The adults who are trained to be child educators
Roll models to many
This you man surly was a role model to anybody listening

To remember that awesome analogy of who we are
I hope Heavenly Father is pleased with us
We try and do the right thing
I am
And this poppy negative whatever wants me
And I won’t let it take me

Thank you of the reminding me who I am and who I strive to be
With much love

Today I take Eva to the doctors
She is not getting better
Three day rule
To the doctors today
Love
Me