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Old 12-23-2017, 09:27 PM #661
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Default Sad for them

I really feel sad for my kids
To not have the other parent be civil
No relationship
I have come to understand that someone from the other side wished me well
I have had no contact with anyone since my divorce only from one sister in law who has long passed
With an apology letter and pictures of her two girls
Sad that my children did not have a healthy relationship with the first man a young girl falls in love with her daddy
And a young boy their mommy
To see that we could have had some normalcy
That they could have a prototype of what it is like for two people who made babies and have their lives come first and never abandon them
Both men both
CouldnÂ’t find it in their mind when they were not who I loved and they couldnÂ’t accept that I didnÂ’t want to have sex with them anymore
And they the children were forgotten by them or used as Corissa experience was with her father
He really messed her up big time
She needs so much help
And then I think about how hard they made it for me
Not taking responsibility in any form
So why am I stuck on this
I look at them and see how much they had to go through themselves
A crappy start
And then CorissaÂ’s father telling her he isnÂ’t giving her anything
He responsible for so much destruction in her life
ItÂ’s sad
IÂ’m sad for all of them and now Eva
So to be head of this family
Honored
Let them rise to the occasion
They are awesome people
They are my babies
Me
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Old 12-24-2017, 10:19 AM #662
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Default The one gift under the tree with her name on it

She woke came in and said
There is something underneath the tree
Who is it for
I told her I don’t know
Look for a name
She said if it has my name on it
I don’t know what I’m going to do
I said go and see
She came running in
It has my name on it
Can I open it
Not yet I said
Not yet
You can open it soon
Just be patient
It isn’t going anywhere

I wish I could have just a morsel of her happiness
Just a morsel
Watching her is the best way to it
So that’s what I’m going to do
To say in truth how I feel is to sad to even write
How many will take their life
How many have nobody to talk to
For someone to hear
Everything will be okay
How many
I am hoping and holding
It is something that I have to do
May she always remember her gift from her grandmas hands
Something I will never forget
Can’t wait for her to open it
I have given all and left with worries I will turn it over
May I keep my sanity

MY SANITY
NOT A CONCERN TO ANYONE
BUT I WILL LIVE
FOR ME
AND CARE FOR HER TILL SHE CAN DO THINGS FOR HERSELF
CANNOT BE SAD AND IT ROLL OVER ON TO HER
BUT THE TRUTH IS I AM SO SAD IT HURTS

Set my mind free of worries
Come into my spirit and heal this broken being
In your name
Me
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Old 12-24-2017, 09:39 PM #663
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Heart Long time gone

I have not been here in a very long time. Eva I was hoping your life was improving. I cannot help you from here but I can send HUZS
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to keep thee in all thy ways.
psalms 91:11
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Old 12-25-2017, 06:59 AM #664
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Default Why is my spirit in the dumps

For all I am to be greatful for
Why am I visited by this doom
What does it want from me
Every single day I fight this with my might
Why am I sad
What is wrong with me
Why am o crying in my sleep
What is my problem
What
Was his mind all over the place like mine is and just couldn’t take it any more
It is strong
It won’t go away
Not without a fight
I’m not nuts
Just bloody sad
What
What is wrong with me
To stir awake and go into a crying fit
What
What is wrong
My hormones
What
Hold me tight
I ask again Heavenly Father
Hold me tight so it hurts and not my brain
I cannot explain it anymore than i already have
And every day I wake I fight
Would you please
Please
Heal this mind
Make it want to live
Not be so so sad
If I knew what makes me feel like this
Would change so much to the end
Soon to be 57
And to be sad for the past five or more years
Strong I must be for today
It’s just not there
I need to find it
Will call my sister
I know they to are sad
Time to take my meds
Hoping this to will pass
This to shall pass
I just need to hold on
Hold me tight
Don’t ever let me go
Me
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Old 12-25-2017, 01:41 PM #665
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Default Children are here

But for one and she won’t stop
Calling off the hook
Just won’t stop
I haven’t had any words with her in sometime now
And it is getting out of hand
No reason for anymore drama
She just won’t quit
I have nothing to do with her and I am still her problem
Me
She wants to pick a fight with me
And I won’t let her
It is OOC
and I’m holding on
Just holding on
To much crap
Just to much crap
Everything is how it is because of her OOC behavior
I just don’t get it
Me
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Old 12-27-2017, 09:00 AM #666
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Default No relief

With all that has happened in this past year alone
I wonder
Will it every pass
Having had a long
It seem forever that I live with some form of monster
That lives inside
I cannot find a way to explain
This horrible horrible gut eating monster
Robbing me of any goodness I seek
Holding on is all I can do
As I pray for this to pass
I have been in therapy most my life
Never getting any good solid escape from this monster
I will not entertain antidepressants as I have gone through a slew of them that just made things so much worse
Not another pill thank you
Just having to up my pressure meds upsets me
I can not control my own pressure
The overwhelming doom that live inside of me is draining
Every single morning I cry
Cry it all out
I meditate and empower myself into a better mind set
But to get there is work
Hard work
To not let anybody steal any happiness I may have
I do not like this feeling
It is horrible
And not to rid of it for such a long time is draining
To stir in my sleep as I wake
I feel I in my gut
It manifests itself physically
Who in heavens name wants to feel what I do
It crippling it I pray just be the weather
I do not do well anymore in the cold
And I am not financially stable to make a move
I just want to jump in my car and just drive
Drive and never stop
And I can’t even do that if I wanted
My family can see it has taken its toll
I have a wish
Only one
Wish
To wake happy
The tears I cry in my sleep so evident
My hair stuck to my face
For my little Eva ask me
Are you okay mimma
I tell her yes why
She tells me
You face looks sad
I don’t want you to be sad
Of course I fib and tell her otherwise
This horrible monster doesn’t only rob from me
But robs from my loved ones
Dear Heavenly Father
Come to me
Hold me so tight In this horrible time
You know all
You know my mind
You know my heart
You know my spirit
Help me in this terrible time
Rip from me this monster that has a hold on me
Let me live
Let me laugh
Let me feel you in my being
Rip from me the thoughts that cripple me
They are real
As my body rots into nothing and will be gone one day
Allow me some calm
Allow me the laugh
Allow my family to get the best of me
Rip this monster from me I ask in your name
Amen
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Old 12-28-2017, 12:07 PM #667
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Default Made my case

Took the ongoing issue I experience with this above tenant and called the office
It is noted
And all the promises
I told them
I do not want anymore excuses
I have video of her on Christmas Day dumping so much water on her terrace that of course came down onto my porch
I was not about to go out and clean up her mess she caused to be on my porch
Instead just told the office
Anytime you want to view what goes on when the office is closed I’m ready
To send it to the assigned worker on this ongoing matter I will make stop
She’s messing with the wrong woman
Have had enough experience
She is hanging herself
But when it comes to my sleep
That’s where I say enough
So what does she say
That blank blank blank is not going to get away with anymore
that she will handle it
And to just give her a little time and she will be moved
I said fine
But I do not want to be disturbed anymore
To that I get
We will have a party as she is out of there
All of it means nothing
Just want them to know I will do everything in my power and stand in the truth of it all
Do not need a party
Just need you to do your job and tell her to knock it off
We shall see
We shall see
Happy New Years
No more stepping on me or my family
I will not stop
Me
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Old 12-30-2017, 07:30 AM #668
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Default Baby sister to the rescue

My baby sister will be here with me
Will spend the night with me
And tomorrow spend it at my daughters
My night not any different from the other days
Trying to hold on with all my might
What a job
Again pipes broken on 5 floor
Our line
No water
I have another day to get through
Before I get to close these eyes that cry
When I’m up
Apparently when I’m sleep also
Do not know of my dreams if I am having them
But I is for certain I am disturbed
Can’t wait for spring
It is welcomed by this one
Me
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Old 01-03-2018, 09:21 AM #669
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Default I am certain without doubt

Something is very wrong
Ashamed I am not
My mental state has declined at a rapid rate
The ups and downs aren’t balanced
The stress through my lifetime I fear has taken over my mind
I cannot shake what’s happening
And I dread having to find a doctor because I don’t trust them
I really am coming apart inside
And I have tried so hard to shake it
Hold hoping it too shall pass
My Heavenly Father is my maker
Help me on this difficult lonely journey
I don’t know anymore
I cannot put my finger on what’s causing this horrible feeling of doom
I don’t want to live like this anymore
And I don’t want to be pumped up with all different meds as the too are on a process of trial and error
I guess I would be deemed a project to a doctor
And I’m not keen on that kind of experiment
When I would smoke cannibas at its been a while I don’t experience these moods
And I have been smoking for many years
At a point where I want to clean up this aging body I still know what I would experience
And cannibis helped as it is my own experience and assement
I know me I know what my brain experiences and how I feel afterwards
Happier I feel
Why
What is it in cannibis that changes this sandness to bearable life
I have a high level of stress most my entire life
And having not a drink in such a long time
I now void in my life by my choice I began to spin out of control
I can only explain it like such
“Just that calm feeling of the first three drinks”
It’s been three decades I haven’t had a drink
But I have in my illness past seven years when I would take a hit or two I am a much different person mentally
The calm I get
My surroundings don’t affect me like they are now for so long
I am physically broken not speaking of my mind here although the brain to is an organ
I cannot dismiss the idea I now am in a bipolar state
But first things began to break down at the age of 49
Since then the domino affect just took over
I do not just have issues with my spine it is so much more
Fibromyalgia diagnosis was first and the list is long and so many other things just came it seems out of nowhere
If the mind and body go hand in hand my mind followed
I am so in tune with ME
I know something is wrong
And it is draining me into nothingness
Everything is just so overwhelming and I want to stick my head into the sand
I made choices I am smart and protective of my own
But it’s me now
I am broken in everyway have but myself nobody to lean on to take it away for a while
What is happening to me
Who do I go to
Who can trust with all that has happened
I trust nobody including my last psychotherapist I was with for seven years seven years and all he would say is you have stuffered many horrible situation in my lifetime
No kidding
No kidding
My entire family are self medicating with dangerous drugs
It is not the answer
This I know for CERTAIN
and I understand why they got to that point
Who wants to feel all the pain when a drug can take it away temporarily
It just that it take everything and some form the individual
Including life on the streets
Why if I only took a few tokes from a cannibis and not anything else not to do anything else is it not taken seriously I don’t want to hear of drugs that put a person in a state of nothingness
Are in such a zombie state
That to is not a way to live and understand why my son and my grandchild’s mother have experienced in there treatment
They express the horrible affects
And how it is not worth it
I just don’t know
I don’t know anymore
I feel like I’m loosing my mind who I am as a human
The fears that have come to me
I fight this and feel like I’m loosing it all
I right this moment have no desire to live
It’s not there
The work
The hard work
Just keeping it together
All for what when I cannot be feel crave happiness
To laugh
Just the act
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Old 01-03-2018, 07:18 PM #670
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Default

Eva has your state passed legislation for legal MJ? Is it worth enquiring with your physician again? I’m told some states while not legalised if neighbouring states are GP will provide a script to be made up in neighbouring state?

I have no words to offer you for the depression, it is a horrid place to be in. All I can say is my tears which were once never ending are dried up. I no longer cry at the drop of a hat. I still cry in situations but the endless tears, they are gone.

Sending you much love and hugs
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