Another morning
Another cry out Father hold me tight
Went out yesterday after much time passed as the weather has kept us in
School out because of weather
It was a mad house
Did not go until the latter part of the day
Picked up a minuscule of what I went out for
I couldn’t use the motor chair available as I couldn’t get through the esile
No I do not expect anybody to be polite just understanding why leave your cart in the middle of the esile as you see I’m on my way
I yelled out
I hate the ****ing world and most people in it
What has happened to the f***ing world
Is there no consideration to anyone
Here the rule goes traffic to the right going
Traffic to the left leaving
The same way we use to climb a stairwell or exiting
The looks I did not concern myself
Paid for the few items as I b***hed and moaned
As I’m out I get a emergency call from my son
Mom I never thought I’d would become an addict I fell off again
I cried all the way home
I having to hold myself up
Have my child who

The abuse from my child has gotten out of control
Demanding to see her child
Telling me to honor the court order
She so f’ed up she’s got it all backwards
Where is the other grandmother to supervise any visits with her daughter
The only time she calls her is when she wants to pick a fight with me and I won’t let her
This makes her even more angry and threatening to me and the rest of my family
None of her siblings have any interest in babysitting her
She has not followed the judges order to date
Thinks she can threaten me
Her siblings already told me they would support me if we go to court

Eva is my concern
Her happiness and state of mind is all I’m interested in
And she has asked me time and time again do I have to live with them
You know what I told her
Not to worry
She has a fear that she will be taken away
It breaks my heart
I have no more to say I don’t want to be involved with her anymore
She is adding more stress than ever and I will no longer be able to do anything if I continue to allow her to drain the little I have left
She is not getting it
And thinks she can get away with the harassment she inflicts upon us
I put my foot down
Done with the crap
But now I have to buckle down and be careful and prepared for God knows what lies ahead
And to say this doesn’t put me in a depressed state make no mistake it does
It’s my child who has fried her mind
And all Eva wants is to be left alone
So I will do all I can
Me

I constantly am checking myself
Not to step in anyone
And I scratch my head
It isn’t me
I’m in sleep mode
And again
Awakened
Will drop a bomb until I wake
What kind of person does this
A very ill one
42 years she’s says she lives here
If that be the case she should know
But instead she thinks she had special privileges
I don’t think so
I wonder Heavenly Father controls all
Did my experience in my last place of residency
A 10 year fight with a slumlord who short cut building a four story building
Brand spanking new fell apart before the third and fourth floors were even finished
Brought him down to his knees with the truth
And in the process of delving in uncharted waters learned so much
Made a difference
In the end the building taken from him and it was at the end I became sick
Moving here in a HUD run building here to the corruption just out of control feel I was hand picked by Heavenly Father to make a difference and I have
I am missed from my last place we lived
Appreciated in the end are asking where is that woman
Well I’m here doing it again
Fighting the injustices that some think they can ram down the throats of the sick or elderly
I don’t think so
So I continue not to be pushed around
Keeping the few who bully honest and force them to do their job
As I wait for my entrance door that needed to be specially made there are 9 of us waiting it’s been over a year and when in the office asked the worker who I gifted at Christmas time not even a thank you as hard as it was but point is asked it’s 10 weeks now the doors were delivered when can I expect to have it installed as we are compromised in a unsafe way
His response was
I didn’t get a raise this year so I don’t know
I told him I will have to make a call and let them know what you just told me
Can you imangine
I also said to him
This is not my problem

Phone call from baby sister
My mother rushed to hospital
Her heart
Awaiting
Just waiting
The anger I have towards her
But my heart in the right place
Wanting her not to suffer
Waiting
Just another thing to deal with
Me

Eva, last year I had a terrible dream I woke from sobbing. My mum had died in the dream. I went to see her that day, she asked me what was wrong, I burst into tears and told her of the dream. She hugged me. And somehow from that day all the anger and feelings of hatred I held towards her for her treatment of me as a child disappeared. I know well how you feel. All I can say is they know not what they have done. An apology will not make me feel any better, I believe she knew what she was doing then. I see glimmers of that woman in conversations, but somehow I’ve forgiven her as I’ve forgiven myself. I was a child, I did nothing wrong. She doesn’t recall or chooses not to, but it makes no difference any more. That searing pain I felt when I was ripped from slumber, I know, no matter what she did, I will always be her child and I loved her then as I do now. Our generosity knows no bounds. We are transparent in our forgiveness of those who have sinned. I know you know what I mean. We wish them no ill.

You get me lovely lady
You so get me
It is true
I don’t want her to suffer in the end it’s not something I can do it all been said and done
I have extended myself one last time last year it didn’t chang it was still conditional
I had to make a choice
Out of site sure but still on my mind
If she only knew how much I want her in my lif
If she only knew how I cry for her
It is what it is
I can only control me myself and I
Thank you lovely lady
Be well
Glad you have found a place where you can share some time with her
Love
Me

Those glimmers of what she was in conversations, it awakens memories that twist like a knife and burn acid in my gut. I want to be able to spend more time with her as I know the years left grow shorter, but, she is who she is and bundled up with the woman I love is the woman who spurned me and has the capacity to hurt me all over again. So I don’t see her as much as she would like, but I message her every day.

Forgetting what her family did for her
Gave over and over and over
Support whenever she asked or needed
Mean to her siblings
Pointing her finger as she needs to look at herself
The father feeding her hatred as Eva hears them argue while in the phone with her
Yesterday my granddaughter needed to be told the truth of the matter as her mother argued with her defending the truth
As last night when she called I sat in the livingroom while she spoke to her mother
And sure as sure can be I hear Eva respond beginning to tell her mother where her sister and girlfriend were I shook my head no
As I had to tell her when you speak with mommy you talk about school the park things that are fun to do like knock knock jokes and if she begins to talk about grownup stuff you tell her you need to speak to mimma (me) about grownup stuff
I want to sew her lips shut
And to speak to her about her siblings not her business
I fear already the damage done
Like having to deprogram all the work of life to be fun and carefree as a child
SheÂ’s an honor roll student
Her mother tells me
DonÂ’t pat yourself on the back
If she were with me sheÂ’d be the same if not better
ThatÂ’s when I shut her down
All my babies including me grandchild recognized in kindergarten as gifted and to go to the school for those
I am limited physically
Now that my baby sister is down the shoreline things will change as the environment is just as important
We had so much fun last summer the few time we went to the shore
She live that I play with her
Love that I give her my attention good or bad
A awesome sweet child and has the only imagination
So I thought the year could start of on a good note
Blew that out the water
Now she is to figure things out for herself
I will not let her get a ride out of me
Instead I shut her down and she doesnÂ’t know how to handle that
The father still has a significant amount of money due and are using that as punishment
Little do they know as I have exhausted all I have obligations are paid food on the table I will willingly take from the Little I get and give to her that she should never feel anything out of the norm
May the day come he and she be punished for not financially be responsible as the courts ordered Eva is awarded 50.00 a week and while it has accumulated to a bundle due the are smoking their cigarettes that cost over 10.00 a pack gets his hair cut twice a week my child get her nails and hair done make me sick how they put themselves first
And to that where is the other grandmother in all this where is the help she could provide
Oh she has a life that comes first
Eva doesnÂ’t even want to go to her home as it is not kept up and has bugs so she has come home telling me
Ask do I have to go to the house
Why canÂ’t I go to the movie or park
ThatÂ’s what I ask myself
So depressing to know my child had this awesome gift and doesnÂ’t even see how she has to feed her mind
Not with smut
So I will continue to do do do
And hope Heavenly Father steps in and eases it up a bit
Oh how wonderful that would be
Me

So many of us have issues; especially with Moms. I have memories of dreams opening doors looking for my mother. We lived in a corner apartment building that faced two different streets. The memories are deep inside even tho I couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 yrs. old. She would put on her coat (at night) and I would chase after her going thru the yard to the other side of the building crying for her to come home.

There's so much more of that behavior (I asked her some years ago what could I have done so bad at that age to do that to me.....she said; "you wouldn't listen to me". Would have loved to hear the words; "I'm sorry.

Continued all my life and worsened into adult hood punishing me with not talking to me because my unmarried brother (3 1/2 yrs older than me) would let her know my dad came over to visit my apartment with a lady friend after my getting married at 19. (They separated when I was 11 and divorced when I was 16.) I was pregnant with my first child and still only 19; hung up for months when I would call. I really needed my mother. None of my friends had babies yet. This continued until my dad died and still wouldn't let up because she didn't think I should have continued seeing him. They split when I was 11 because of his seeing another woman.

I often prayed that I would be left with love, compassion and understanding. She evidentially didn't have it easy when she was growing up either.

But;..... I know my kids have issues with me as well; my eldest I was the hardest on and am often reminded of this. So the Mother thing continues...... Again, I pray they can forgive me for whatever I may have done to hurt them. I do remember to tell them that I regret and am sorry about many things that I may have done that may have been hurtful.

Sorry; didn't mean to go on so long...

Thank you so much for sharing
It means so much to this person
You too understand
As I ask for forgiveness
And let them know I will do my very best
And will never turn my back on them
As I too was hardest on my eldest
She has just shared with me the appreciation she has for me
And can look back and see that in it all I put them first
Even in my drinking days
And now my son fighting his demons calls me for support
Last night we spoke for some time in the end I told him I know exactly how he feels
And that I’m sorry
That I will never turn my back on him
He responds
I know you won’t mom
That he knows means everything to me
And my boy has put me through some tough times
But he knows
He knows
And when I was pregnant with Corissa at bingo with my mother and aunt who was visiting from Hungary and her oldest friend who is in her mid nineties and all but one of her children passed
And sitting across me in my native language I hear my mother tell them if she had to do it all over again she never would have had children
In the present that all is true as she is not in our lives
My baby sister was just told by her she was to be aborted but my father intercepted the confirmation call
It is deep
Very deep
She has no clue how I cry for her
Thank you
Wondering how you are doing on a different subject
Love
Me