NeuroTalk Support Groups - i don't want to feel anymore

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For you Gerry ❤️

These are some that I got together
The family picture you will see Corissa at 18 months
She will be turning 20 in April and that is my mother of course my children are adults and my boy was going throug his changes he is so handsome today looks like my father
The pick of Eva and of myself was a day I took them bowling just last month
You can see the pain on my face it was a bad day

The last few pictures I was not able to upload.

Sorry lol this is the last one

Had to find the right picture of my hand

Quote:

Originally Posted by eva5667faliure (Post 1257865)

Thanks for posting the pictures. Been looking forward to updated photos of "Little Eva". She sure is a beauty....

Gerry

Thank you for sharing Gerry, many of us had parents who survived the Great Depression, WW1 or WW11. My mum had a harsh childhood with a very strict father who once beat my aunt so badly she had an asthma attack & the ambulance was called, an unwell mother who was regularly hospitalised, living & moving often from 1 rental to another, to finally settling in a 1brm apartment on the 1st floor with both sisters (mum & aunt) sleeping on a verandah open to the elements all year round and accessed only by walking through their parents bedroom. With nana’s poor health money was extremely tight.

Gerry, mothers didn’t have much to go on for parenting advice in the 19th century, much of what was written was aimed at being a “good wife” with pithy statements like “children seen and not heard”... What we experience in our childhood influences our actions towards those we care for. Don’t chastise yourself too much, I’m sure you did what you thought was best for your son :hug::hug:

As an adult now I can see clearly how mums efforts at parenting were defined by her own childhood experiences; those combined with her insecurities, pettiness & keeping up appearances led to many poor and ill thought out choices. But with a greater understanding of her childhood experiences I am able to forgive her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ger715 (Post 1257775)

So many of us have issues; especially with Moms. I have memories of dreams opening doors looking for my mother. We lived in a corner apartment building that faced two different streets. The memories are deep inside even tho I couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 yrs. old. She would put on her coat (at night) and I would chase after her going thru the yard to the other side of the building crying for her to come home.

There's so much more of that behavior (I asked her some years ago what could I have done so bad at that age to do that to me.....she said; "you wouldn't listen to me". Would have loved to hear the words; "I'm sorry.

Continued all my life and worsened into adult hood punishing me with not talking to me because my unmarried brother (3 1/2 yrs older than me) would let her know my dad came over to visit my apartment with a lady friend after my getting married at 19. (They separated when I was 11 and divorced when I was 16.) I was pregnant with my first child and still only 19; hung up for months when I would call. I really needed my mother. None of my friends had babies yet. This continued until my dad died and still wouldn't let up because she didn't think I should have continued seeing him. They split when I was 11 because of his seeing another woman.

I often prayed that I would be left with love, compassion and understanding. She evidentially didn't have it easy when she was growing up either.

But;..... I know my kids have issues with me as well; my eldest I was the hardest on and am often reminded of this. So the Mother thing continues...... Again, I pray they can forgive me for whatever I may have done to hurt them. I do remember to tell them that I regret and am sorry about many things that I may have done that may have been hurtful.

Sorry; didn't mean to go on so long...

Quote:

Originally Posted by PamelaJune (Post 1257974)

Pam,
I remember my mother telling me how her mother cared and loved her sister, who was younger than her, more. She told me how often her brother would fight/hit her. Also, her mother/my grandmother (who my only memories of her bedridden with terrible Parkinson's) blamed her for the death of her baby brother because she had left a window open and he got sick with a cold/flu and died. She was just a child herself.

We all carry our crosses. Her hurt with my Dad's issues was not easy for her to deal with. Unfortunately, she wanted me to not have anything to do with him; especially after I became an adult/married with an apartment for him to visit me. I tried to explain to her I did not like what he did but he was my father and I loved him. He never forgot a birthday for me or my children.

I always made sure when my children were young they did not know about how I avoided telling her when I/we did see him. I didn't think they needed that burden too. I would just not bring them with me to visit with her for a few weeks in the hope they would forget to mention seeing him. Never told them "don't tell grandma".

Actually Pam, my son is the baby boy I had hope for after having two girls. My eldest daughter would often mention how he could get away with things she never could. The girls kiddingly referred to him as "Baby Jesus".

The one thing I did learn from my mother's "conditional love" was to always show my children "unconditional love". My reward for that is I receive it back from them "l0 fold".....

I loved my mother very much and by trying to understand what she was dealing with helped me not to hold grudges and forgiveness was always there. A little extra prayers helped as well.

I am glad with greater understanding of your mum's childhood experiences, you are able to forgive her.

My mind and body affecting my

Spirit
Sat in the car for four hours with my granddaughter
So my child could take her placement test
To get her diploma is what is more important than her getting a job
My body still hasn’t recouped from sitting for so lone
Eva had her dvd
I had mine
Ran into a retired POLICE OFFICER
He was interested in me very much this when Corissa was two known him for four decades school time
Would have taken me on with Corissa at the time
Again
No trust
Had convinced him to date his older girlfriend
Said he would never marry after his divorce
Guess what
He married her
There was just NO spark
Anyhow my hand hurt so badly I having a hard time typing
The throbbing in each finger as they tingle
My bones in joints with pain have increased my right chest behind my balloon under the armpit hurts
Having to go to a slew of doctors
Afraid I am
My mind is all over the place
Can’t put my finger on it
But I don’t think I want to know
Getting my granddaughter ready
It’s as if it just never stopped
And it hasn’t that’s the freaky fact
How much longer can my body go through
To hold a pen or pencil
A spoon knife silverware hurts to hold
My mind all over the place
Everyone calling me with their problems
And I just listen
Listen
And listen
I have but this place to come to
Falling to pieces
Heavenly Father keep my Spirit alive
In Jesus name
Amen
Me

My mind and body affecting my

Oh how the works

A dream
A very disturbing dream
Not much remembered
But lost of blood
Death
Murder of some kind
DonÂ’t know if I was the murder
Disturbing for certain
As it warms my spirit seems to have lifted just a tad
Is it that powerful
Just donÂ’t want to feel like I do
Oh how easy it is for my children to say
Mom if you feel that badly you should see a doctor
Really
Really
ItÂ’s been something I have done throughout my lifetime
And never has there been a breakthrough
Never
As a matter of fact my last psychotherapist for 7 years in the end was not helpful at all
Denying me deplin something in his opinion as he says dubiousin his opinion
I asked let me be the judge of that
Retired
Gone he is
Good riddance
As he did not listen to me if all the antidepressants he prescribed
And having to go through the withdrawals
Not him
Me
My mind and body
This depression is IÂ’m sure a result of environmental situational and family genetic
Having the idea that spring something short lived
Sometimes donÂ’t even experience it
Is enough to change how this mind works
Doctors they fit the most of my experience and but for the few who are on my train donÂ’t listen
Really
They just donÂ’t listen
Physically my body is so broken
The rain is coming down this morning
I must have slep wrong
My surgical site pinches with piercingpain depending hitch way I move it
So after dropping my granddaughter to school
And returning home
IÂ’m going back into bed
Hands and feet OOC
All around me are doing
As they have called upon me when crap hit their fan
And I am not even a thought
Anyone
Anybody
A
Anything I can do for you
Just to hear them words would be appreciated
Not the case
Go to the doctor
Well like I said
No monies to fall back on
Giving it to my family with the promise of returning it will never happen
And the copay was 15.00 dollars up now 25.00 way to much for this cookie
They will be spread far apart
ThatÂ’s just nuts
Depression always with me in one form or another
But holding on to Heavenly Father
Brush myself off
And one foot in front of the other
Me

When it visits me in my sleep

I can’t even run from it
As it visits me in my sleep
Oh to be woken up like that just *ucks
And not able to return back to sleep even worse
So up early
Got Eva’s lunch ready
Sending it off with a note in her bag everyday
Did the same for my children
She is a hugger
I get so many warm hugs from her
It would be something if it be the magic potion
Bottle it up and a dab when feeling like this person does
Honestly the love that emanates for her being is awesome stuff
We count the dogs we see on our ride to and from school
Mother failed to call her
This is how I know she call me to pick a fight
Will not entertain it
Ever
No contact
No desire
May this too pass
Me