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i don't want to feel anymore

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Old 10-19-2018, 08:22 AM   #701
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I keep you in my prayers.
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Old 10-19-2018, 05:48 PM   #702
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Default Flecainide

This just to add to the others
Will with prayer and hope bring my heart to normal sinus rhythm
It works on the electrical charges of the heart
Me
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Old 10-22-2018, 05:02 AM   #703
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Default Not having a clue

Hard enough to beat the beast down and out every single morning
I speak of doom that comes to visit and wake me
Even before I open my eyes to darkness it so early in the morning
Heavenly Father I pray
Please donít let it consume me
I donít well it
Itís evil and I rebuke it
In you name I ask it be gone as I put my feet to the floor and get up to start the day
Hoping to hear from oncologist office today that they cleared the PET SCAN AND MRI
This having to wait as the system figures out if I need it or not is just the pits
So till then Iím a basket case hiding it from the world
Get up and do
Do like nobodyís business
No clue
No clue
Me
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Old 10-25-2018, 08:45 PM   #704
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Default Answers finally but not without screwups

Tomorrow will be cats can with contrast
First thing after dropping off Eva to school
Monday will be the pet scan first thing after dropping Eva off
9:00
After that a MRI will be scheduled spefic kind my oncologist spoke with medical team with insurance company and told them it is necessary
So glad to have a doctor to fight for me
To get the answers that is riddled throughout this body
It isnít just one thing
So frightened I am
I donít want to think about it yet I canít help it
My body talks to me
I listen
Listen very closely
And Iím doing all I can to advocate for myself
Not an easy thing to do
Yet
Iím pushing through
And doctors are impressed
How I put a history of my medical explanations since birth
22 pages
you read right but factual
It helped him understand what to look for
and ask me questions
My cardiac surgeon said how much it helped him on so many levels and wished more people did the same
It pleased me to know I could help myself in such a way and not be helpless
I wonít stop as frightened and scared I may get
Depression is always with me
Keeping me company
I ask Heavenly Father hold me so tight that it be the only thing I can feel
Please let my spirit be free of it
Free to fly
I just stinks fighting it all
Me
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Old 10-27-2018, 06:06 AM   #705
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Default It couldnít have been more botched ten it was

At the wrong facility
Not even in the system
Finally get to where I needed to be
And to late to start
I just broke down and cried
All flipped about this persons
And situation
Not a clue who they were dealing with
And I went off
Silence in the room
Not s word as I went off
Then the apologies
Did not want to hear it
Just give me the date and time I need to be here I said
Monday is cat scan start the liquid Sunday night
Tuesday the pet scan stat to drink excess water and fast
Wednesday the plastic surgeon
I came home and crashed after picking up Eva stopped for pizza and just crashed
Iím so broken just so sad
Me
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Old 10-27-2018, 07:07 AM   #706
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Default Making coffee with tears

Still in freeze mode
Nobody to hold only to ask Heavenly Father
And I donít mean only in a unwelcoming way
I so want not to feel anything I am
Squeeze me so tightly that it be the only thing I feel
Where is everyone
Where is the authenticity of the world
I have just but to give
I want the pain to stop
Just stop
Will that only be when I donít exist on a physical plane
I donít want to feel anything anymore
Happiness just doesnít seem to exist
And you may think to yourself but you have little Eva
I do
And happiness exudes from her
She is growing so fast
I can hardly believe my eyes
She will be going through puberty soon
What is wrong with me
I ran around like a chicken without a head
And my body aches like no tomorrow
My back
Hands feet my entire being just hurt so much
It is raining terribly outside
So hard the wind even harder
Iím so broken hearted
So sad and broken
Me
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Old 10-29-2018, 05:08 AM   #707
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Default Deep darkness

Having zero contact with my youngest
Not a care in the world
No where to be found
Utter disregard and for what
Used in everyway now when needed most not a word
Nowhere near
Sadness riddled throughout this body
Pain and suffering I have been through and it doesnít stop
But for my child to disregard in the manner that she has hurts like heck
To see my son saddens me even more
He has to be kind to himself
They are getting older and suffer in their own way
Eva dear Eva
What will it be like for her
Today is the day all starts
Hold me Heavenly Father
Hold me so tight
Let me not fall
Hold me tightly
Me
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Old 10-30-2018, 06:19 AM   #708
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Default Botched istnt the choice word

So I started a second batch of contrast
They insisting my pet scan not cat scan was yesterday
My son went in yesterday to pick up a second batch for me to start last night
When he returned tell me how rude Norma was to him
And how polite two other woman were
I will not be quite when I get to that office with my son today
Itís her job to be kind cordial and professional
She was none of the above
I am the type of person who will go out of my way to commended a supervisor of ones job
Especially when they may go above and beyond
But to be rude to my son who she only met for the first time yesterday
Nope not going to happe
Not after ALL the crap I went throughout all the doctors staff sexual abuse in a hospital rude flipped attitudes that are out there they have no clue who they just crossed
And Iím still in transit trying to find out what is going on with this body
Pet scan changed to November 5th same facility then mri
Plastic surgeon Wednesday
My granddaughter crying waking up for her bff
Not even a call to her
But my son will be here with his partner till Thursday
Do not have to go through this all alone
I am so upset at Corissa and thatís all I gave to say about that
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Old 10-31-2018, 06:25 AM   #709
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Default So whatís wrong with this picture

After giving them all the medicines Iím on does and all medication I react to
I get ready woman tell me she read everything
Begins to put needle in for contrast
Not only blows a vein but proceeds to ask me if Iím on blood thinner of any kind
I did not say a word for what seemed forever
Then told her it was in information given
Apologies apologies apologies
I was just beside myself
And Iím accused of screwing up
Oh heck no
What the F IS wrong with people
How much more can I give to help you help not kill me
I so done done done
Still have pet scan on the 5th
Cardiologist surgeon back to back three days later plastic surgeon a week later oncologist same week
Really
And to be totally honest I really donít think Iím going to make it much longer
I feel I will have a short life
It stinks
But thatís how my body feels
And Iím so tired of the doctors and the way I feel
So tired
Me
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Old 11-01-2018, 06:17 AM   #710
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Default Having my boy over

The sadness in such magnitude
A brilliant man
Brilliant
Suffering
Depression
Bipolar and addiction
I just cry out
All of my family have mental disabilities
Disorders what ever you want to call it
Having time to talk to him alone
He too suffers the sense of doom
As he wake and the mind and body it becomes a physical entity
Invades the mind and body
DOOM
like the feeling this is it itís never going to get any better
Ever
I tell him I so understand
The battles of not masking the depression
That could be so much easier
But so much to loose on every level
I cry talking to him
Finding him up crying a three in the morning
Itís is such a helpless feeling
Feelings
Just feelings that can take one out
I say to him
I wonder when Iím at that point
What was my father going through that he didnít want to live anymore and blew himself away
Just like that
Gone at 47
I tell him if I go through what I do and it is so overwhelming
So overwhelming and I stick it out in a 24 hour day I pray my children can do the same
It isnít easy it is the hardest thing to have to do and on top of that a body rotting along so quickly
I do not think I will live much longer than the norm
So much pain and suffering
All over this body
I can hardly hold on to the phone and write this the tingling doesnít feel good it hurts
So with that said
Must get my angel ready for school
The one thing that give me utter absolute purpose
Ironic how she came into my care when I had my failed spine surgery
I stepped up
And no help to be had
All because I make it look so easy
If the could just feel what this body feels for 1 hour
Just one when at itís worse
But
It is what it is
What will be will be
Me
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