[QUOTE=ger715;1260554]Eva,
Not sure how I would manage without my Faith in God. When I was pre-teen girl; my mother worked nights; parents separated a few times before the last time when I was 11, my Dad left. My Dad stayed in my life. I was often left alone with my who is brother is 3 1/2 yrs. older than me. He was very temperamental; and still is (Never married all he has is my 3 children who look after him since my mother died in 2002).

The Church was only a block from our apartment and was open 24 hrs daily with the Blessed Sacrament exposed. I would go many nights by myself and just sit in Church.....That really helped me since I was fairly depressed even as a child......

Today, I feel those years have instilled the desire and faith I have. I go to church weekly. There are many chapels next to Churches that are now having the Blessed Sacrament exposed 24 hrs. Will drop in for a time now and again just to sit there. Of course talk to Him; but often just quiet so I can listen to God. It is so calming.

I know you are a woman of deep faith. Maybe you and little Eva might just drop in and sit for a while. Feel the calm knowing you are in His presence and really not alone.

You and your family are in my daily prayers..

Gerry[/QU
Hopping this message finds you well
And too thank you for the suggestion
It be the place of calm
Love
Me

In my own world I live
Having so many I think of
Some not with us anymore
Trying to get my life in order
With situation on top of situations
Never forgotten
Hoping all have gotten better as so much time has go by
I am not to ever be self absorbed
Have good thoughts to you all
In my own life that dark cloud just doesnÂ’t seem to lift
Fighting through it to find the sun
Asking Heavenly Father for a miracle
Is the last thing I ask
To wake I must give thanks
Put my depression to the side and replace it with the promises
Meditate in my belief
To trust and have faith and hope

My child who I raised no help from her father
In fact the core of her tornado stems from no true structure
As he never lifted her in a proper manner
Giving her a solid foundation so it was my job to introduce a Heavenly way
The only way to submit ones self
To the Father and listen to be thankful for another day because it be the answer always

Disappointed again as she took flight into another home and a mother who took interest in my child and had her do what I would and did when her daughter. Was in my home
Day two waiting waiting and not a word
Three oÂ’clock came and left a long time ago
Something is wrong
And thatÂ’s just what I feel
I contact the mother
And find manipulation already in the work
She knows the rules and ignores me
She shows me she just doesnÂ’t care
And itÂ’s me
I have to find the strength serenity to stay strong and not allow
My child to use me
But rather listen to me

Having to put herself in a position that she must face the music
I will never lie for her
Pray we come together as one
And for my grand baby see that Heavenly Father comes first and all else will follow

I am physically sick
Asking Heavenly Father for several miracles only he can grant

To all those I have connected with
You all know who you are
Forgotten you are not
And pray that all is getting better as time goes by
That happiness is in you heart and mind
I will be doing what I do ever single day
Me

Apart
And I’m left holding the bag
It has all come to light
If going to fight
Let the truth be the only reason.
Me

Never in my wildest imagination would I have believed all that is forgotten
Not to mention that the decision I have made were always about the welfare of the children I have been left to care for
Now I have a grandchild I cannot walk away from
Yesterday’s enlightenment was disturbing to say the least
I wanted to leave
Take nothing but my clothes and important papers
Never to return
But I couldn’t
I can’t walk away from my granddaughter
I am her everything
It is my children I want to walk away from
Never to return
To have done all I could just wasn’t enough
The threats and lies shocked to make the decision to leave
Walk away from them
I so wanted to
And I just couldn’t abandon my granddaughter
She isn’t old enough yet
I know who I am
And know where I want be
Having to ask Heavenly Father to carry me through this most difficult time ever
I don’t want to get specific
But it was enough to say enough
I have reached my threshold with my family
I have no regrets no desire to want to be in my children’s lives
It isn’t worth the pain and price of all the pain they inflict
So I will do my very best to concentrate on my body so I can raise my granddaughter and hope she can get it
Time is never going to stop
And I await my time to go home
Until then I am not doing anything anymore it’s not worth the pain

Me

Sending you love and prayers.

Things are how they still continue to be
I have cut ties with all
And they just don’t get it
Calling off the hook
Blocked they all are

My next venture is finding out why my hands and feet are doing what I have already expressed
Well my new vascular doctor
Sending me for what is called
Venous Duplex Scan Bilateral
Upon a guess
He thinks it may
It may have something to do with my breast cancer
Having been put on tamoxifen it shutting down my estrogen
The progesterone causes the veins and arteries to dilate
I have to have my annual bilateral ultrasound
My entire upper right back and lower back is so debilitating

And I try so hard to keep up with the world

My obgyn doctor says Eva you look so good
What’s going on
I just broke down and cried

This from a woman who played volleyball in the sand barefoot

Oh how I miss them days

Me

It is just taking it one day at a time
My mental state although fluctuates throughout the day
I look to my Father for strength the strength needed to be calm
Never do I want to be in that place anymore
And I am struggling with not taking my will back as far as that is concerned
It is by the grace and love I have to stay sober
And as I do it be now two and a half decades I find it more difficult keeping my word to myself enough already
They to are like an addiction
On it put me in a depressive state
It is that I fight every single day
Just one day at a time
One situation at a time
My last child who I just do not know anymore
And do not know what happened to her
As I did my very best
And she still at twenty does absolutely nothing to help herself
She know she needs some help and guidance
I havenÂ’t failed in that department
In fact she thinks she can come and go without bringing ANYTHING TO THE TABLE
she the one who wants that mommy back before I got this ill
Yet she wonÂ’t lift a finger to help in anyway
Every time we are out and go into establishments
At the register I ask are you hiring
She is going to night school something that is at the top of the list of things to do
And IÂ’m not even sure she is there when she leaves the house
Yesterday I needed help with two loads of laundry
Never to be done
She said tomorrow
Well tomorrow is here
Taking flight as she got out of the car after picking up my grandchild from school
Is it their gift as recognized and in school for the gifted mean anything
And never to finish school
I must let go
Go of the entitlement she demonstrates
Asks for toothpaste soap pads feed her and still dip into EvaÂ’s snacks for school
Never denying my child of anything
Never did she return home after taking flight
And left with this angel
Having a difficult night as I explains the pain I experience now all over this beautiful body
Gifted I too am
Pushing through all that Heavenly Father allows to come into my life on a daily basis
I choose to take it and push back
I have my fears worried that this child of mine will not understand the road she is on
I ask Heavenly Father please give me the strength to call it as it is
No sugar coating it
It is real
It is killing me and my granddaughter has to be priority now
As she needs me to guide her teaching her
She is so smart
And her aunts and uncles nowhere to be in her life
Shame on them
A lovely child and a pleasure in everyway
I am her everything
Today she goes to visit her parents to be supervised by the other grandmother

On Easter Sunday I gave them the opportunity to take her to be supervised by the other grandmother

I found out upon her return she asked to call me
As she said before leaving with them
“Mimma can I call you when I am out? Of course I told her, I will be waiting for your call “
Her mother told her I was sleeping
But even more importantly the grandmother left while at the park
And was left with two unstable parents for most of the day
This cannot happen as the courts specifically said that I could be held responsible for such behavior
I am not ever going to allow that to ever happen again
In addition to that Eva was to by her father she is like Pinocchio
That she lies like him and her nose will grow
I was furious
Told them to knock it off
In this home the teaching of lies is understood
And she lives to be that one who can freely talk the truth
Can you imagine
At seven to continue to teach her to lie
Never going to happen

So this be a very interesting day
She already is worried she will not be able to call me
I told her to let them know if they donÂ’t they wonÂ’t have the chance to see her anymore
And that I wonÂ’t be sleeping
So if she wants to call me I am home

This is what I mean when I say the mental challenges I am faced with

So I have prayed meditated and while she is gone will try and do a few projects around the house
As for my twenty year old
Who knows
To be continued

Hoping my depression will be lifted
Me

As my granddaughter comes home crying
I’m told how horrible it was hearing her father say
He wishes my daughter dies
And to his mother who was supervising this to kick her out
She never wants to see her father again
Her wish granted
He’s a mad man
Something terribly wrong
And to tell my granddaughter not to tell me what transpired
How dare he
How much mor Heavenly Father
How much more
My daughter calling how she doesn’t know what to do
I told her get the hell away from him
Didn’t want to hear it
I’m just broken about it all
Broken
Me

Eva,
Have you been able to attend any AA meetings lately? I remember your mentioning a home base a while back.


Gerry

Hello Gerry
Hope this message finds you well
It has been a while
However I still keep in close contact to very important group members I have been with since the very beginning
I do so miss my Sunday morning meetings
I made a meeting everyday
Sometimes two on certain days
So to answer your question
No
It has been very difficult to sit for that long
But as the weather gets warmer
I hope to get some rides to my favorite one
Thanks for asking