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Old 11-06-2018, 06:53 AM   #711
eva5667faliure
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Default Trying to keep it off my mind

Had the pet scan done yesterday
Thursday I have three doctors appointments
Oncologist cardiologist pain specialist
I have my granddaughter home with a cold
She will be off on Thursday and I will have to take her with me
I will be with my granddaughter alone to receive the results
I have to do it
I have no choice
My family will be busy
So be it
Suck it up Eva
You have no choice
Suck it up
My body feels like it was beaten up badly
Hurt I am
From my head to my feet down to my fingers tips
Donít know why
But Iím in pain
Oh how much I would love to have a massage
Just the thought
It would be like heaven
In my dreams
So till Thursday
Me
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Old 11-08-2018, 05:28 AM   #712
eva5667faliure
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Default And today we go

Three not just one but three doctors appointments
And anxious I am anxious
Words they sure can cut like a knife
My eldest had some choice words for me
Oh how she remembers things
Yet when I asked her what were the words spoken when I gifted her with a three piece beautiful necklace piece a gesture of her help when I was working nights
and she over see n my youngest daughter
How it mattered that she remembered all she remembers is donít ever sell it
How sad was I
And I refuse to remind her
No I will not be at the table this Thanksgiving holiday
Why sit at a table where Iím not even liked
How quickly the past be forgotten
How hard I worked for my family
While making all the sacrifices I made
Not to mention not bringing anybody into my life and they all have either a husband or a partner of their own
Left to raise this precious child who is my granddaughter
How her truth is remembered
Thatís fine Iíll wonít take it away from her
Sad I am
The words I spoke as I put the gift around her neck was this be a token of my gratitude for the help you gave watching Corissa as I went to work this work I did was midnight till the morning and when I came home I took over and began getting my childs breakfast ready and lunch for school
She only watched her as she slept
Forgetting meeting her now husband
He lived with us for years
Years where his mother stopped cooking for him
Oh how she forgot how it really was
Hurt is far beyond the words of pain I have in my heart
Not my truth but the fact of the matter
No I will not be at the table
Let me fade-away
Let the emptiness I am dealing with be a reminder I once lived in their life
All for what
To be alone in it all
The excuses made to explain it all away
Alone I am
Sad it is
We will be in each otherís company as I get my news
And it be the last time
Me
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Old 11-09-2018, 07:27 AM   #713
eva5667faliure
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Default Happy to report

I am clear of any cancer in pancreas
Clear nodes in my body some calcification in abdomen something I already knew
To find my heart is enlarged
The flacanide is working having seen the cardio surgeon
Will be on it for the rest of my life with elequis a blood thinner
Pain specialist just printed out the scripts to keep the pain away from botched cervical fusion and a lower back I will not let anyone touch fear in all that has gone wrong
I will now address the balloons in my chest as the right one has begun to deflate and is scratching the back wall of my innards and the left a double bubble
So all is well
I am happy to hear the news
Having that worry taken away
And only Heavenly Father to bring me home
I can care for Eva without the worry of dealing with the c word
Hope
Hope
Let my family see the hope
Me
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Old 11-10-2018, 05:12 AM   #714
eva5667faliure
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Default Oh my God not

Even a chance to breath
A call from my daughter
My addict daughter who is in a situation where it is mandatory for her to stay sober so she doesnít go to jail the child I am caring for so she can get her life together
TELLS ME SHE IS PREGNANT
and THEY were planning to have more babies
It is persons like my daughter and where she is in her life that has no business having a any more children
When I asked
HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN
she tells me THEY were planning to have more children
This from a man who calls me and tells me how he will chop her up into pieces and put her into suitcases and dosent care if he goes to jail
This canít be happening
I am numb
Jus ****inf numb
While I have Eva in my care she gets pregnant to replace this child
I canít grasp this just canít
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Old 11-10-2018, 08:10 AM   #715
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Oh, oh, oh ---- that is awful. I wish there were something I could say to make sense of this. I keep you in my prayers.
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Old 11-10-2018, 01:39 PM   #716
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To be harassed in such a manner is more than I can stand
To keep a smile in my face while my youngest is torn to pieces remembering the day she walked out of the bathroom so high and Eva was just weeks old
To come up and visit is something she will never forget
Now this she is so distraught over the fact she is so unwell
There is nothing nothing I can do
There will come a time I will have to step in what will happen then
OMG what will happen then
To numb in this all teying sohard to keep it together
I just want to shake her
Numb I am
Me
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Old 11-10-2018, 10:20 PM   #717
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Let them go I tell myself
Why am I stressing what has no meaning
The idea that they havenít had a clue to this all
I me this woman calls it like it is
As I let it all out from the horses mouth no hidden crap just like it is
I me this woman will live with it
Hold it and kick it to the curbed
Let the clean sweep do with it whatever it does
I am so so done with them and not waiting for the emptiness to come
Itís over see you never
You have destroyed me
And I wonít let you all do it anymore
So the bulling stops now
Now
No more
Now and always to protect this child
Dear Father hold us in your loving arms let
NOBODY PENETRATE YOUR POWER SHE HOLD ME TIGHTLY
AND I HOLD YOU
ME
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Old Yesterday, 05:19 AM   #718
eva5667faliure
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Default For the first time

I will not be at the table
All traditions gone
Out the window
I will not take out the ornaments
Each one has a meaning to it
In the box they will remain only to be opened when Iím long gone
It just to painful for ME to even touch them
One by one to remember as it was made given
Ever year a new one put on the tree to be found
I will not
WILL NOT
be at the head of the table
Let them all see there is someone missing
They may not even notice
Wouldnít that be sad
I will be with my baby sister
Eva myself and my baby sister
I am so saddened by this all
I donít want to feel anything anymore
It drains me so much
Having to keep a smile on for this child
She is fully aware of my heart and emotions
Empathy she has
Not her job
Itís bad enough I tackle depression
Doom that visits me every single morning
Having to fight it with all I can
Not easy
Heavenly Father I call upon
I ask for him to hold me so tight that it be the only thing I feel
I pray for it to leave my being
Difficult from time to time but I gotta do it daily
Sadness a horrible emotion

Wishing all a happy holiday
Holding on
Me
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Old Today, 03:00 PM   #719
eva5667faliure
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Default To the police station I went

I am tired of the constant harassment
Taken to far
Then to cus at me
Over child support
His explanation
I forgot
But doesnít forget his cigarettes
Or hair cut before taking care of her
So let it all be on record
Something I had always wanted
But with all thatís going on with this body
Taking care of myself
Now we take card of this
He already body shamed her
Calling her the most boring kid in the world
A fight ensued you would think the other grandmother would remove her from it
Instead she hears him yell out at my daughter
You need to die
Done in everyway
And my child chooses him
Iím beyond beyond
So things are or will be taken care of
Just another day
Me
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